X
Xantippe
Guest
There’s a big difference between just peaceably attending the same large event with your nemesis for the sake of your children and grandchildren and being golf/fishing buddies with your nemesis.
- Status
I
Indigo_Cardinal
Guest
And if the OP’s father thinks that this is okay, along with trying to get the OP to cut her mother out of her life (as the OP mentioned in her initial post)…personally, I’m doing a bit of ‘reading between the lines’ and wondering if OP’s mom might not have had good reason for wanting to get rid of him and be with somebody else. I can’t help but wonder if OP’s mom has an earful of stories about emotional abuse. And now that OP’s father doesn’t have her mother to dump on, he’s picked OP as a surrogate to guilt-trip and control.
Some may call the OP father’s behavior borne out of love and hurt, but I’m wondering more and more as I read this if it isn’t a control freak who lost control, and if that isn’t what he’s really mad about–that his ex-wife finally had enough of him and hit the road.
H
Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
It was only a matter of time…
He deserved it.
Perhaps the moms fake husband can be a grandpa.
X
Xantippe
Guest
He’s being a bad dad right now, which does raise the question, what kind of husband was he, really?
I know the exact same question has crossed my mind, after my auntie spent 10-15 years making her feelings about having to deal with her ex-husband the center of any big family event.
H
Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
Ok. I’ve given my opinion.
I’m out.
I should have known better.
I’m out.
I should have known better.
N
nodito
Guest
I’m inclined to agree with Hoosier Daddy, gardenswithkids, and the others who’ve said that the divisive, stressful common events are the result of your mom’s ongoing adulterous relationship and because of your dad’s bad manners. You haven’t said, but I assume she is bringing new husband along with her to these events. My response would probably be along the lines of taking dad’s side and inviting him dad but not mom or her partner. And the conversation goes something like this: “Mom, you know I love you. When you chose to break up your marriage and kick dad out, you were making the choice to miss out on some events that are typically attended by both grandparents. I’m so sorry and I wish it wasn’t this way. We’d love to meet up with you later this week.”
I
Indigo_Cardinal
Guest
Exactly. And I’m taking a lot of this theory from the OP’s own description of her father: He doesn’t have a filter and doesn’t care who he makes uncomfortable, he’s determined to be unpleasant at gatherings, he’s trying to guilt-trip his daughter into cutting off contact with her mom–these sort of behaviors rarely just happen, they’re usually around for quite awhile. It might just be now the OP is the one dealing with them, and not her mother.
X
Xantippe
Guest
I love my auntie dearly, but looking back, her making her feelings about dealing with her ex-husband the axis that all major family events rotated around was a huge disservice to her children and (to a lesser extent) to the entire extended family.
The kids were carrying a big enough burden by having to deal with their own feelings and their own complicated relationship with their father–they should not have also had to manage their mother’s feelings for her or have their events hijacked by mom and dad drama.
I know (from a different situation) that when one is overcome by sadness, that one often becomes insensible to the fact that other people have needs and feelings, and I think that’s what’s happening in these divorce situations, too. But as parents, we can’t do that (or at least not very long)–we need to pull ourselves together and put our children and their needs first.
My experience with this came from the aftermath of a late miscarriage, when I was spiraling into the SAD. I just wasn’t much of a mom for a while. In retrospect, I’m horrified by how long that went on, but that’s what it’s like to be swallowed up by one’s feelings. I think that’s what’s happened to the OP’s dad. He may or may not pull himself together anytime soon, but the OP does not need to join him where he is and cannot be her dad’s nanny, because she has a family of her own to raise.
B
BlueEyedLady
Guest
You’re being sarcastic, but maybe.
My husband loves his dad. But he also loved the man his mom started dating when he was in high school and eventually married. Unfortunately, he died unexpectedly a little while back.His dad has always been, and is still to this day, bitter about the divorce and annulment. He doesn’t burden anyone else with it though.
But yes, we were looking forward to our kids having two wonderful paternal grandpas. Hubby’s stepdad was a rock for him, a professional and personal mentor to me, and just all around a strong, kind, genuine guy. Truly one of the best I’ve ever known. We were closer to him than to my FIL, but so what? It didn’t take anything away from our relationship with the other. We didn’t get closer to my FIL after hubby’s stepfather died.
If the OP’s child forms a bond with both, isn’t that a good thing? It only adds to the number of people who want to love and guide her, it doesn’t take away.
P
pianistclare
Guest
It’s always amazing to see what lengths people are willing to go to by ruining family events for innocent children.
I stick by my first response. Have a lovely party of a few close friends.
Let the grands come up with their own private celebrations.
Everyone can park their personal issues at the door, or they can not celebrate.
The baby is one. If you draw the line this year perhaps the will reconsider their venom in subsequent years.
If not, you certainly don’t have to play that game.
Your life, your child, your rules.
I stick by my first response. Have a lovely party of a few close friends.
Let the grands come up with their own private celebrations.
Everyone can park their personal issues at the door, or they can not celebrate.
The baby is one. If you draw the line this year perhaps the will reconsider their venom in subsequent years.
If not, you certainly don’t have to play that game.
Your life, your child, your rules.
X
Xantippe
Guest
That’s a very fair option.
It also has the advantage that if anybody is inappropriate, you can just pack up your baby and go.
M
MarkInOregon
Guest
So the spouse committing adultery gets to keep joyfully flaunting their adultery indefinitely at all events where the wronged spouse turns up? The spouse committing the wrong gets a free pass to turn up at all events and rub salt in the wound of the wronged spouse because she, the person who committed the wrong, acts civilly at these functions (and why wouldn’t she–no one wronged her and she got what she wanted)?
Based on how it seems Christians are supposed to act in the face of trials and suffering I do think the wronged spouse should bear his suffering by behaving differently, but that is much easier said than done–especially when the wound is not allowed to heal and is continuously reopened. How does a wound heal when the source of the wound is often around poking at the wound?
I wish I had words of wisdom for the OP and I am sorry I don’t. All I have to offer are prayers.
The peace of Christ,
Mark
X
Xantippe
Guest
Here’s what Judith Martin (the big etiquette guru) advises (this is advice to a woman who doesn’t think she can be civil to her adulterous ex-husband’s girlfriend at a son’s soccer game):
"True, you say you are civil to your former husband only for the sake of your son, which is a wise course to take. But don’t you realize how devastating it would be to your son to use the public occasion of his game to demonstrate your contempt for his father’s companion?
"Besides, you have an additional reason to be civil to her. That is that you want to make her feel terrible.
"If you cut her or, worse, say something cutting, you will broadcast the impression that you are either ill natured or devastated or both. This will only confirm any notion she holds that your former husband was justified in leaving you and that she has secured a prize that you — with your longer experience of what he is like — still want.
“If, however, you are able to be cheerful and cordial, you will broadcast the impression that you are not only good-natured, but happy to be relieved of the burden she has assumed.”
southcoasttoday.com/article/20091004/LIFE/910040361
That is a tall order, but what are the other options? Continually making public scenes and embarrassing the children and grandchildren?
As to how the wound is to heal, maybe if it is a continual source of affliction, the offended spouse will need to limit the amount of time they spend dealing with the erring spouse.
B
BlueEyedLady
Guest
It seems a lot of people would have the OP punish her mother on behalf of her father. Bad idea. Always, always, always stay out of your parents’ marriage. Taking a side could result in finding out more than you ever wanted to know.
G
gardenswithkids
Guest
I’m glad the party will work out for you since your mother decided not to come. That may show some sensitivity on her part as she knows her presence upsets your dad and puts you in a awkward situation.
You’re right that you are not your parents’ shrink. When your dad starts going off about your mother, you can gently change the subject. You can be direct and tell him you don’t want to talk about it with him. You can even leave the room if he won’t stop. He has serious reason to be upset about your mother’s behavior, but you’re not the person he should be talking to about it. That’s unfair to all of you.
Enjoy your daughter’s birthday party!
Try not to think about all the drama that lead up to it regarding the guest list and just appreciate that you made it through a year as a parent. Congratulations!
A
AClaire11
Guest
I believe the OP was saying that her mother did not come to the baptism, not that she won’t be coming to the party.I’m glad the party will work out for you since your mother decided not to come. That may show some sensitivity on her part as she knows her presence upsets your dad and puts you in a awkward situation.
You’re right that you are not your parents’ shrink. When your dad starts going off about your mother, you can gently change the subject. You can be direct and tell him you don’t want to talk about it with him. You can even leave the room if he won’t stop. He has serious reason to be upset about your mother’s behavior, but you’re not the person he should be talking to about it. That’s unfair to all of you.
Enjoy your daughter’s birthday party!
G
gardenswithkids
Guest
:doh2: Oh. I missed that. Thanks for clarifying.
Well never mind, except I still wish to congratulate the op on surviving her child’s first year of life. Hopefully she will also survive all the drama of the first birthday party.
U
UbiCaritas
Guest
If I might add something, albeit a bit late in the thread…
I was in a similar, but not identical, position to that of the birthday kid. My family was pretty dysfunctional when I was growing up. While my parents didn’t divorce, they’ve loathed each other for as long as I can remember. From the time I was five until I was twelve, we had a man living with us who wasn’t a family member. I think he had been at one point a client of my father’s, and in our family’s typical lack-of-boundaries scenario, this guy ended up moving in with us for seven or eight years after he lost his house in a divorce.
In retrospect, he and my mother were having an emotional affair. I doubt it ever progressed to the physical, but they would spend all evening drinking together while Dad was out of the house either working or hanging out with friends. This usually culminated in bad-mouthing Dad to us kids, and using me as a sort of focus for abuse because I was Dad’s favorite, and they knew they couldn’t do this stuff when Dad was home.
Rather than, say, put his foot down and toss the guy out, Dad dealt with this by picking arguments with him nearly every chance he got. Most of my memories as a kid of holidays involve screaming, yelling, and general WWIII-like behavior over the silliest issues, from religion (the guy wasn’t Catholic) to furniture (long story). Was Dad in the right for being angry about the emotional affair? Sure. Was Mom in the wrong for having it? Definitely. But the end result wasn’t to fix their marriage, or to improve the family. It was to make the kids feel utterly miserable and guilty, because the adults in their lives were being nasty to each other. Plus, when we got older, we were expected to take sides. I remember once sitting at dinner, Dad not there, and Mother and X haranguing me because I refused to admit that Dad was a bad person, husband, and father. I was maybe ten.
That’s no way for a kid to grow up.
OP, please try to set boundaries for the parents’ behavior, at least in front of your kid. They shouldn’t have to be friends (I quite see why your dad is angry!), but they also shouldn’t be allowed to make your daughter’s special events miserable with their problems.
I was in a similar, but not identical, position to that of the birthday kid. My family was pretty dysfunctional when I was growing up. While my parents didn’t divorce, they’ve loathed each other for as long as I can remember. From the time I was five until I was twelve, we had a man living with us who wasn’t a family member. I think he had been at one point a client of my father’s, and in our family’s typical lack-of-boundaries scenario, this guy ended up moving in with us for seven or eight years after he lost his house in a divorce.
In retrospect, he and my mother were having an emotional affair. I doubt it ever progressed to the physical, but they would spend all evening drinking together while Dad was out of the house either working or hanging out with friends. This usually culminated in bad-mouthing Dad to us kids, and using me as a sort of focus for abuse because I was Dad’s favorite, and they knew they couldn’t do this stuff when Dad was home.
Rather than, say, put his foot down and toss the guy out, Dad dealt with this by picking arguments with him nearly every chance he got. Most of my memories as a kid of holidays involve screaming, yelling, and general WWIII-like behavior over the silliest issues, from religion (the guy wasn’t Catholic) to furniture (long story). Was Dad in the right for being angry about the emotional affair? Sure. Was Mom in the wrong for having it? Definitely. But the end result wasn’t to fix their marriage, or to improve the family. It was to make the kids feel utterly miserable and guilty, because the adults in their lives were being nasty to each other. Plus, when we got older, we were expected to take sides. I remember once sitting at dinner, Dad not there, and Mother and X haranguing me because I refused to admit that Dad was a bad person, husband, and father. I was maybe ten.
That’s no way for a kid to grow up.
OP, please try to set boundaries for the parents’ behavior, at least in front of your kid. They shouldn’t have to be friends (I quite see why your dad is angry!), but they also shouldn’t be allowed to make your daughter’s special events miserable with their problems.
N
nodito
Guest
I guess that’s one way to look at it. I tend to see it more as the mom’s choice. Of course grandpa is going to be invited. Of course the man who helped break up the marriage and is now sleeping with grandma will not be. So where does that leave the grandmother? I guess she could attend alone…
X
Xantippe
Guest
Eh, there were a number of votes for not inviting grandma at all…
- Status