His father doesn't approve and I'm lost.

[Cristiano]

Okay, I need you to quote the OP to prove that she has been sending what you call *sexually explicit emails *to the feller. If you cannot show this… I really do hope you will apologize.

Please explain to me why would a man would think that a woman is a whore (according to her own words)?

 

[WokeUp]

Those of you throwing stones must have missed my recent post addressing all of these accusations and clearing things up.

I have not had a relationship with him for all of these years. I have simply been there for him as a friend to listen and give him advice and as he matured he served as a friend to me as well. A friend and nothing else. I saw different people, so did he.

We didn’t see one another as more than friends until nearly a year ago- he was a legal adult at that time. That was when it finally hit me that this man was everything I wanted in a potential partner. I will admit to making the mistake of getting caught up in the feelings and making him into too much of a man too soon- he still has plenty of growing up to do, as do I- but there was nothing age inappropriate.

I said nothing sexually explicit to him, in the letter or in the text messages his father read. He did gather that we did plan to have relations someday, which is what could have caused him to possibly think of me as a whore. For some parents, that’s all it takes, the knowledge that somebody would like to someday have that sort of relationship with their son or daughter, even though I said nothing explicit and actually lectured him for using a crude term. I am not a whore; that doesn’t mean a strict father wouldn’t consider me one, however.

 

[HouseArrest]

This is really a stretch, but a possibility… what if this boy is not really who he says he is? You have met him once in real life… correct?

 

[Cristiano]

This is really a stretch, but a possibility… what if this boy is not really who he says he is? You have met him once in real life… correct?

What you say sounds really creepy but it also sounds like a real possibility.

 

[maryjk]

Those of you throwing stones must have missed my recent post addressing all of these accusations and clearing things up.

I have not had a relationship with him for all of these years. I have simply been there for him as a friend to listen and give him advice and as he matured he served as a friend to me as well. A friend and nothing else. I saw different people, so did he.

A friend is a relationship. Not anything wrong with friendship. The problem comes when you are being a friend and you are an adult and he is a child. This happened for 5 years. As a parent, I see that as a problem. My child needs to be friends with others his age and if he has an adult friend it needs to be someone I approve of.

We didn’t see one another as more than friends until nearly a year ago- he was a legal adult at that time. That was when it finally hit me that this man was everything I wanted in a potential partner. I will admit to making the mistake of getting caught up in the feelings and making him into too much of a man too soon- he still has plenty of growing up to do, as do I- but there was nothing age inappropriate.

What you are not understanding is that being friends, even without a sexual relations, is a problem when you are hiding that friendship. Or when you are an adult and he was a child.

I said nothing sexually explicit to him, in the letter or in the text messages his father read. He did gather that we did plan to have relations someday, which is what could have caused him to possibly think of me as a whore. For some parents, that’s all it takes, the knowledge that somebody would like to someday have that sort of relationship with their son or daughter, even though I said nothing explicit and actually lectured him for using a crude term. I am not a whore; that doesn’t mean a strict father wouldn’t consider me one, however.

Okay, so you weren’t sexually explicit, in your opinion, but you did tell him that you wanted to have sex with him “someday?” This is a young man you have met, what, once? The rest of the relationship has been on line? Sorry, but in my book that is a sexual conversation and you should not be having that type of conversation with anyone but your husband. There is no way that should have been written in an email. I am not surprised that the father got upset. I would have as well.

I have a 16 year old son. I would be VERY concerned if he had a friendship with a 21 year old woman. I would wonder what was wrong with the 21 year old that she wasn’t friends with other 21 year olds. I would also do everything I could to protect my son.

Right now, the best thing you can do is to let this young man grow up. You can do some growing up too. If, in a year or two, you still feel the same way, you can contact him. Or maybe even wait until he is through college. Either way, doing that will go a long way to assuring the father that you are not a predator. (Not saying you are, just that a relationship you have with the young man would concern me, as a parent.)

 

[Cristiano]

…I said nothing sexually explicit to him, in the letter or in the text messages his father read. He did gather that we did plan to have relations someday, which is what could have caused him to possibly think of me as a whore…

Do you understand that here you are contradicting yourself. It you were talking about planning to have a sexual relationship then you were talking about something sexually explicit even if does not describes the act in its details. If a person, in the workplace, were to have the same conversation that you describe it would be considered sexually explicit. People would get fired for that.

 

[GraceDK]

Please explain to me why would a man would think that a woman is a whore (according to her own words)?

From what the OP knows the father is extremely possessive and irrational… Maybe she assumes the father is as speculative as the folkes here…

 

[Cristiano]

From what the OP knows the father is extremely possessive and irrational… Maybe she assumes the father is as speculative as the folkes here…

Maybe the OP should apologize to the father for making comments like that. It sounds that she does not know anything about the father. It looks like she never met him and she has not talked to him in at least 5 years.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

This is really a stretch, but a possibility… what if this boy is not really who he says he is? You have met him once in real life… correct?

No, she said she was IN HIS CITY once. Not that they have ever met face to face.

 

[WokeUp]

I understand the points all of you are making. His father’s reaction, however hurtful, is understandable.

I do have friends my own age and older, too. It has always been that way. Just because I was friends with somebody younger doesn’t mean that there has to be something wrong with me in order for things to be that way. I’ve never wondered what was wrong with older people who were friends with me. Good people of every age exist.

Our friendship wasn’t hidden and neither was our relationship. I eventually told everyone in my life what was going on, and his friends and his brother knew too, he has told me. There have been times when he was hanging out with groups of his friends on the phone with me and proclaiming his love for me to all. Even before this went down, he stated that his father didn’t know for now because he wouldn’t understand, but he never anticipated that his reaction would be this bad.

I understand that his father is upset about the idea of his son planning a relationship that will include adult relations someday, but it isn’t all me. There are two parties involved, it is a completely mutual thing and it isn’t as though I’m the first girl his son has ever been with- he’s a bit of a charmer.

To those of you saying that he may not be who he represents himself to be, perhaps you’re right. It would actually be much easier for me to move on were I to believe that he’s this horrible, crazy liar who is only playing mind games with me, but seven years of friendship (and feelings on his part) and nearly one year of love? That’s the ultimate mind screw and I just can’t believe that it was all a lie.

I would agree with those of you saying that apologizing to his father would be a good idea, but I don’t feel it would be appropriate to try to contact him. I only know his father from the things he has told me, he and I have had no direct contact. That might only make things worse. “Now this crazy girl is bothering me, too?”

I do agree that moving on and focusing on myself and my life is best for now, however. I am going to send him a final message clearing things up and apologizing for things I feel must be apologized for. Then the ball is in his court and I will know that I did what I could and I can take the steps toward eventually finding peace.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

From what the OP knows the father is extremely possessive and irrational… Maybe she assumes the father is as speculative as the folkes here…

That’s the thing, GraceDK. She has never met the “boy” in person (that we have heard about), and has certainly never met his father. She wrote something which she stated might make the father believe her to be a “whore,” (her words) yet you think all is hunky-dory.

If I found out my son had been having a long-term online relationship from the age of 12, without my knowledge, and with a girl who was then 17? And who was now discussing a future sex life with my son, now that he is 19? You bet I would hit the roof. I don’t care what excuse the girl might use, this simply isn’t right.

 

[maryjk]

I understand the points all of you are making. His father’s reaction, however hurtful, is understandable.

I do have friends my own age and older, too. It has always been that way. Just because I was friends with somebody younger doesn’t mean that there has to be something wrong with me in order for things to be that way. I’ve never wondered what was wrong with older people who were friends with me. Good people of every age exist.

Yes they do. BUT when an adult befriends a child, as you did, there is a problem if the child’s parents don’t know.

Our friendship wasn’t hidden and neither was our relationship. I eventually told everyone in my life what was going on, and his friends and his brother knew too, he has told me. There have been times when he was hanging out with groups of his friends on the phone with me and proclaiming his love for me to all. Even before this went down, he stated that his father didn’t know for now because he wouldn’t understand, but he never anticipated that his reaction would be this bad.

His father didn’t know about the relationship, that makes it hidden.

I understand that his father is upset about the idea of his son planning a relationship that will include adult relations someday, but it isn’t all me. There are two parties involved, it is a completely mutual thing and it isn’t as though I’m the first girl his son has ever been with- he’s a bit of a charmer.

I’m not sure what to say here.
Of course his father is upset that you are sending emails talking about sex. How could you think that sending an email like that would be okay? How do your parents feel about this relationship?

To those of you saying that he may not be who he represents himself to be, perhaps you’re right. It would actually be much easier for me to move on were I to believe that he’s this horrible, crazy liar who is only playing mind games with me, but seven years of friendship (and feelings on his part) and nearly one year of love? That’s the ultimate mind screw and I just can’t believe that it was all a lie.

I would agree with those of you saying that apologizing to his father would be a good idea, but I don’t feel it would be appropriate to try to contact him. I only know his father from the things he has told me, he and I have had no direct contact. That might only make things worse. “Now this crazy girl is bothering me, too?”

I am sure contacting the father right now is a bad idea. He has already blocked your phone number from his phone. That should tell you something.

I do agree that moving on and focusing on myself and my life is best for now, however. I am going to send him a final message clearing things up and apologizing for things I feel must be apologized for. Then the ball is in his court and I will know that I did what I could and I can take the steps toward eventually finding peace.

The ball is already in his court and he has let it fly by. You just need to move on.

 

[nickybr38]

I think you guys are making way too many assumptions here.

I had a 40 year old online friend when I was 16. I had a terrible crush on him and let him know. He remained my friend anyway. We had deep discussions about philosophy and religion. Sometimes I would flirt with him and he would ignore it. He’s a wonderful guy. I never told my parents about him because I DID have a crush on him but he didn’t know. How could he? Now, years later, he’s getting married and we are still good friends. My whole family has web chatted with him at some point. They all know his name now. I even have an invite to his upcoming wedding (because I demanded one mind you… hee).

Mind you our relationship didn’t develop into a romance and the age difference between these two is much, much smaller but I totally understand how this could very innocently turn from an older teenager befriending a young man and then later developing deeper feelings for him. There doesn’t have to be anything wrong with either of them for this to have gone this way. I absolutely believe that she was just friends with him. Yeah, maybe he had a serious crush on her but for me it’s not a stretch that they could be friends despite the age difference. ESPECIALLY when the friendship was contained to just the internet. I’m not sure if you noticed but some 12-year-olds can come off as mighty mature online. Some, not so much, but some are quite eloquent and mature seeming.

Furthermore, no matter how their relationship started he’s 19 now and was 18 when their romance started. It’s perfectly normal for a 19-year-old or a 24-year-old to talk about sex when they’re in a serious relationship. Maybe they shouldn’t be talking about it explicitly or working each other up but if they ignore the subject altogether that’s not helpful either.

OP: From your responses I think you are a young woman who was in love and who was hurt. I suggest letting things cool off. Put it away. Give it time. If he contacts you in future so be it, if he doesn’t, so be it. Either way you need to go on with life.

I’m sorry the posters here haven’t been… terribly helpful in their responses.

 

[maryjk]

I think you guys are making way too many assumptions here.

I had a 40 year old online friend when I was 16.

An on line secret, friendship between a child and an adult is wrong. The adult should know better. It doesn’t really matter how it turned out. Wrong is wrong.

 

[WokeUp]

maryjk, my parents had their concerns, as would any upon hearing that their child has fallen for somebody who lives hours away and is a bit younger. But they remember seeing things like Facebook comments over the years and hearing me mention him and they know that he is somebody I’ve known for a long time, so they ultimately accepted it and trusted my judgment, especially since they know I am a picky girl who had never truly fallen prior. I have never been afraid of being single or unable to be single, so when I said I’d found someone, they had their worries but knew they had to let me be me.

Of course, now they have their problems with him now that they’ve seen me live in the hell of this aftermath- I wept in my mother’s arms and instead of telling me I was dumb for reacting this way as she has before, she held me and wept as well- but they know that my relationships are my choice.

 

[nickybr38]

An on line secret, friendship between a child and an adult is wrong. The adult should know better. It doesn’t really matter how it turned out. Wrong is wrong.

Yeah? There are lots of things you don’t know.

She may have encouraged him to tell his father. When did she learn his father didn’t know? Was their friendship already established? When their friendship started SHE WASN’T AN ADULT… either… 17 year old’s aren’t the most mature people in the world either.

There are times when the ‘adult’ involved simply doesn’t know the ‘relationship’ (friendship) is secret. They are not at fault for what they can’t know. In this situation she was a child as well when their friendship started. We don’t know when she learned it was a secret. We don’t know how much they talked about their respective families at all. We actually know very little.

No one here is in any position to judge the situation properly. We can make plenty of knee jerk reactions but that’s all.

 

[maryjk]

Yeah? There are lots of things you don’t know.

I am sure there are lots of things I don’t know.

One thing I do know is that predators use the internet to troll for prey. The best way to do this is to befriend children and to have the children keep that relationship a secret.

Another thing I know is that the end does not justify the means. In other words, simply because it worked out for you, and your friend wasn’t a predator, doesn’t mean that it is a good idea for children to have on line friendships with adults.

She may have encouraged him to tell his father. When did she learn his father didn’t know? Was their friendship already established? When their friendship started SHE WASN’T AN ADULT… either… 17 year old’s aren’t the most mature people in the world either.

Within a year of the friendship she was an adult. If people want to claim he was an adult at 18, she was too. So from the time he was 13 until he turned 18, she was having an online relationship with a child.

There are times when the ‘adult’ involved simply doesn’t know the ‘relationship’ (friendship) is secret. They are not at fault for what they can’t know. In this situation she was a child as well when their friendship started. We don’t know when she learned it was a secret. We don’t know how much they talked about their respective families at all. We actually know very little.

That is why adults should not have on line relationships with children. For that matter, in person friendships between children and adults should only be allowed if the parents know the adult.

Would you really allow your 13 year old to go to the movies/dinner/the park with a 18 year old that you don’t know? How about your 15 year old with a 20 year old? Or your 16 year old with a 21 year old? Any way you look at it, it is wrong.

You might want to visit the FBI homepage and follow the links for internet safety to learn more about this.

No one here is in any position to judge the situation properly. We can make plenty of knee jerk reactions but that’s all.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Yeah? There are lots of things you don’t know.

She may have encouraged him to tell his father. When did she learn his father didn’t know? Was their friendship already established? When their friendship started SHE WASN’T AN ADULT… either… 17 year old’s aren’t the most mature people in the world either.

There are times when the ‘adult’ involved simply doesn’t know the ‘relationship’ (friendship) is secret. They are not at fault for what they can’t know. In this situation she was a child as well when their friendship started. We don’t know when she learned it was a secret. We don’t know how much they talked about their respective families at all. We actually know very little.

No one here is in any position to judge the situation properly. We can make plenty of knee jerk reactions but that’s all.

And there are lots of things that YOU don’t know, too. We are getting one side of this situation. I would like to hear from the father of this young man.

A teenager of 17 is not a “child.” However, a pubescent boy of 12 IS a child. We got into this discussion on another thread, and I am telling you that age differences + secrecy + online “relationships” = Trouble with a capital T. The whole thing is simply out of order.

And a 40 year old man who would communicate with a 16 year old girl without specific permission from her parents is also wrong to do so. Glad it all turned out well for you - those sorts of things frequently don’t. You were lucky. If I were your mom, I’d have yelled for about 2 weeks when I finally found out.

 

[Inego_de_Loyola]

If y’all want to have a debate about the theoretical dangers of online predators make your own thread. If you want to disparage the character of a person who came here with a problem looking for our advice, then get lost, as your presence in this thread is unnecessary, uncharitable, and unchristian. “Ye hypocrites and brood of vipers!”- The lord God, Jesus of Nazareth. “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”-Ibidem.

 

[nickybr38]

I will just say one more thing in response to you others - how do you really know the age of anyone you’re talking to online? How many kids are you chatting with on these forums without knowing they’re kids? Last I checked you can’t physically see someone when you chat with them online.

As to the OP: I think too many judgments are being made about her character. It is possible for a 17 year old and a 12 year old to JUST be friends. Maybe it was wrong to keep it a secret from his father but last I checked people make mistakes. I really think this is being blown out of proportion. If it is true they waited until he was 18 to initiate a romantic relationship then I just don’t understand what the fuss is about.