Hostility towards lifelong singles

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glencor63

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Why is there so much hostility towards lifelong singles/celibates/asexuals? I am middle-aged. I’ve never had a desire to marry or have children. I prefer being alone. I’ve never craved an intimate relationship. I’ve felt this way since childhood and no I don’t have a vocation to the religious life. Why does this choice anger people, especially Catholics and Evangelical Christians?.
 
Assumptions, usually. What I’ve found is a lot of people think about what they were like as young adults (when they were single) and project that onto all single adults. People get the idea that single adulthood continues forever as though you were in your early 20’s the whole time.

Most of us were a bit immature as young adults. That’s just life. Marriage often brings a lot of necessary maturity to people, but it’s not the only way.

That and I think a lot of people just can’t wrap their head around celibacy. There’s an idea that single adults must be constantly struggling with temptation, or are looking for freedom to go out partying or otherwise simply being selfish.
 
What’s wrong with partying? As long as you aren’t endangering yourself or other people, what’s wrong with going to concerts/parties with other lifelong singles? When people marry and have children they don’t want, that’s the epitome of selfishness!
 
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Put it this way: there’s nothing wrong with going to a concert or party, so long as one doesn’t make “having a good time” one’s main goal in life. But lot of people seem to have the idea that a single life must be a life focused on one’s self and one’s own enjoyment.

We are all called to the service of God and of others, according to our state in life and our own gifts. Isn’t that what St Paul says about those who stay single? That it is a gift to be able to serve God without the distractions of family.
 
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Hypotheses:
  1. Imagine going through the work of keeping a child alive from birth, then seeing someone not needing to sustain a child. Hostility from a place of Envy is the first response.
  2. The single life is a vocation that is not discussed a lot. We of CAF might be more likely to know of it, since we see more Catholic content.
  3. Sexual desire merely emerged to make you a robot in propagating your genes. Evolutionary psychology regularly reaffirms super politically incorrect things. You are experiencing a rage from others who follow the desire to propagate the genes.
  4. Married people are more mature certainly is a way of feeling like one has supremacy over many people, and thus incentivizes bragging.
  5. The married person wants to justify their actions after doing the do.
  6. Their is a saying between the non-poor/wealthy, “Money talks and wealth whispers”. In a time when marriage rates decrease among the poor, https://www.usnews.com/news/blogs/data-mine/2015/10/26/marriage-and-the-growing-class-divide, this is a morally permissible way of bragging about money. Even if you are richer, people assume you are not.
  7. The principle of evolution says the virus that makes more gets to propagate their genes, and grow in influence. People are afraid to apply that thinking to religion, despite it being rational. Thus you not having kids, causes stress on the mind to dominate the world by breeding.
 
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glencor63 said:
Why is there so much hostility towards lifelong singles/celibates/asexuals?
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I wasn’t aware that there was such “hostility”.

What I do see in the world, not just the Catholic world, is a whole lot of people who can’t seem to understand that some people don’t want to have sex and/or can happily go without it, and this isn’t necessarily a sign that something is wrong with the person or that they need a doctor to “fix” them, especially if it isn’t interfering with their life or causing a problem with a spouse (which obviously isn’t going to happen to a single person).
 
1ke said:
Hmmm… don’t know what kind of people you encounter, but I don’t know anyone who is “angry” with other people’s life choices.
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I’ve seen it before. Anger might not be the word I’d use. But I have definitely met plenty of judgmental people. The most annoying ones are usually those who tend to assume single people are immature or selfish (yes, I have heard people say this).

I mentioned just the other night at a Catholic event about pursuing consecrated virginity and ended up getting treated to a lecture on all the benefits of marriage I presumably hadn’t considered. It would probably have gone on but I found a reason I needed to go talk to someone else after the second topic change failed. I wouldn’t call it anger or hostility though so much as general bafflement.
 
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I never really think about other people’s opinions. In fact, I began to feel more relaxed and comfortable when I stopped looking for a spouse. Other people, most of them, anyway, responded by becoming more comfortable with me. The others really don’t matter that much.
 
Anger? Or is it jealousy, presenting as anger? I have observed this before.

Many married people discover marriage isn’t all they thought it was going to be. They live with major regrets. Then they have kids, which makes their regret even greater. Sure, they love their kids and maybe their spouse, but life can be really hard for some. They look to their single friends and relatives and say to themselves, “I wish my life were that easy and enjoyable”. Then they get angry that it isn’t. Then they take it out on the ones they percieve as having the better life. If their life is miserable, they think it is only right that everyone’s life is miserable.

Sad, but true. Say a prayer for them and don’t let it get under your skin.
 
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DarkLight said:
The most annoying ones are usually those who tend to assume single people are immature or selfish (yes, I have heard people say this).
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Yeah, anymore I just walk away. I don’t need more lectures and harassment over the fact that I’m single.
 
QwertyGirl said:
Anger? Or is it jealousy, presenting as anger? I have observed this before.

Many married people discover marriage isn’t all they thought it was going to be. They live with major regrets. Then they have kids, which makes their regret even greater. Sure, they love their kids and maybe their spouse, but life can be really hard for some. They look to their single friends and relatives and say to themselves, “I wish my life were that easy and enjoyable”. Then they get angry that it isn’t. Then they take it out on the ones they percieve as having the better life. If their life is miserable, they think it is only right that everyone’s life is miserable.

Sad, but true. Say a prayer for them and don’t let it get under your skin.
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I think this sums it up. It’s sad, so we shouldn’t get upset with people who have this type of thing happening in their lives. It’s tough to be in a life that “isn’t all they thought it was going to be.” Many people, married and single, divorced, widowed, or questioning their sexual orientation, are going through the doubts and bitterness over their lot in life, and it’s very hard to work through it without letting some of the resentment and anger spill over onto others who seem to have everything all together.

So I agree with QwertyGirl–pray for them. And try to be friendly with them–they could use all the REAL friends they can get!
 
Thinking about this some more, I would imagine there are people out there who were raised with the notion that it was one’s duty as a Catholic or a Christian to get married at a young age and have as many kids as possible. These types of people tend to look askance at anyone who doesn’t seem to be doing both of those things. I have fortunately never had to deal with people like that, and the folks I know who did marry young and have a lot of kids don’t think like that. But I imagine they are out there.
 
There are married people that make the pursuit of pleasure a life goal. One only need look at celebrity couples.
 
No, my mother is dead. My father did not raise me. It’s my impression of many people in the culture at large. There’s an unwillingness to acknowledge lifelong singlehood as a legitimate choice. There’s actual hostility towards asexuality which has always existed in the shadows. Approximately 1% or 74 million people experience sexuality along the asexual spectrum, regardless of what the Catholic Church or any other church believes.
 
glencor63 said:
Approximately 1% or 74 million people experience sexuality along the asexual spectrum, regardless of what the Catholic Church or any other church believes.
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That’s an odd statement to make.

The Catholic Church doesn’t “believe” anything regarding “a sexuality”.
 
Sorry about your parents.
I ask because many times the pressure to marry and have kids comes from the parents.

Being one with a twenty-something son who doesn’t seem interested in even having a girlfriend (even though he has many friends, male/female), I do occasionally push him to search, marry and have a family.

I think he thinks he’s going to live forever and money, stuff and fun are going to remain forever important to him.

As a parent I want him to have a full life, not just the husk, but the whole enchilada.
A sacrifice? Sure, but what he’ll add to his life, our family and the world cannot be measured.

As far as “many people” are concerned I think you give them way too much credit.
Most are only thinking about themselves and don’t give a damn about you.
 
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I cannot imagine being angry at someone because they are single. Wow. I can think off the top of my had of 5 people who are lifelong single folks who are key to the function of our parish.
 
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