Hostility towards lifelong singles

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Who’s hostile?
I’m a Catholic and not bothered if somebody else chooses the single life.

That being said, if I were still on the dating scene and started dating somebody who didn’t want to get married and he didn’t tell me this, I would be very angry, especially if I invested a lot of time into him and had fallen for him.
 
I assume that the high cost of giving birth has to do with the doctors’ fear of malpractice lawsuits, which seem to be pretty common in childbirth settings. The cost of getting sued has to be paid for by someone, and that “someone” is the patient who might sue them.

Another reason for high cost of childbirth is all the prenatal care–or the lack of it. Nowadays, moms are examined for Strep B carriage, which can lead to a devastating meningitis in a newborn, and many many other potential complications of childbirth, most of which never happen, but…if they DO happen, and the doctor could have prevented it by pre-natal testing–it’s a big lawsuit and one that the doctor will definitely lose .

So IMO, high childbirth costs go back to fear of lawsuits.

We know an OB/GYN who quit obstetrics because he got tired of being sued. His malpractice insurance cost him a half million a year. He was an amazing OB, but he still got sued, usually for stupid things that he had nothing to do with (e.g., position of baby’s nose). Malpractice lawyers can be snakes.
 
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I agree with communication in dating. Ideally, the couple would discuss their goals in the relationship early on and avoid this situation. I knew I didn’t want to marry or have children from an early age, around age eight. I’ve never dated for that reason.
 
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I’m curious. In what ways have you gotten hostility for choosing to remain single? I am not saying it does not happen. I’m just curious who has been hostile toward you and in what ways?

Dont let people get to you. I am married and it does not make me any less selfish then you. And people get into relationships and marriage for selfish reasons all the time. Some of the most selfish people i have ever known have been in long term relationships. At least one person i know who is in his 50s and never married is one of the least selfish persons I ever met
 
Norseman82 said:
That sounds to me like a very selfish reason to be single, like the lady I met at a Catholic discussion group who said that marriage would interfere with her sports leagues.
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She likes sports more then a relationship. I loved my wife more then the thought of being single and spending all my spare time doing volunteer work, which lots of lifelong, single practicing Catholics do. Who is more selfish? Me or her?
 
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Norseman82 said:
That sounds to me like a very selfish reason to be single, like the lady I met at a Catholic discussion group who said that marriage would interfere with her sports leagues.
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I think it’s pretty healthy for someone to recognize that they are not cut out for marriage because they have interests, whether it’s playing sports, fishing, a career or whatever, that would interfere with them giving their all to a spouse and family.

The only question is whether they find some other way to give of themselves to others, such as by being an awesome aunt to their nieces and nephews, or by volunteering at the local charity one day a week, or serving at their parish in some capacity, etc. You can give of yourself in ways other than by being a spouse.

People are not all called to marriage. Those who recognize that and don’t make a bad marriage are doing society a favor.
 
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I would never try and pressure people to marry and have Kids. Think of how the children would be treated, possibly. The grandparents, and others that put pressure on a couple would end up very sorry. Who knows, they might even try and take the kids away

Please, let your children and friends make up their own minds about having kids. These Innocent souls may end up paying the greatest price. Even very young children may pick up on the idea, the fact, that their parents didn’t want them, and thats a terrible way to live!
 
What I notice is that people find it impossible to accept that a woman never desired marriage and children. It’s not necessarily hardwired. Most humans want to reproduce, but the desire for marriage is a result of socialization. I’m asexual and aromantic. This seems to offend people. Acephobia is real. So is hostility to lifelong singles, especially women. People accuse you of being selfish. I notice they don’t accuse the millions that divorce selfish. They don’t accuse people having children out of wedlock selfish. I honestly could care less what anyone thinks about my personal life. I am genuinely baffled as to the hostility, especially towards women. I think it stems from a belief, albeit not expressed that a woman’s sexuality belongs to men. Thoughts?
 
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glencor63 said:
What I notice is that people find it impossible to accept that a woman never desired marriage and children.
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It’s acceptable only if she becomes a religious sister. Mother Angelica for example has said that she had no interest in sex or getting married, which is understandable given her dysfunctional family life growing up and the traumatic effect it no doubt had on her. Nobody bats an eye.

Most women who are either not oriented towards marriage, or not oriented towards children, will find other people to hang out with (both male AND female) who feel the same way so they don’t have to constantly get told by well-meaning but annoying people how they’ll change their mind.

I don’t think it stems from the idea of a woman’s sexuality belonging to man though. I think that many people genuinely find marriage and parenting to be The Greatest Thing Ever and as usual simply can’t comprehend that someone else might have a different view. There is a tendency in this society to think that people who have a different view must be wrong, or have something wrong with them. That’s not to say that there aren’t men who have the ownership view of women and their sexuality, but they’re a relatively small group in my experience, and easily laughed at and dismissed out of one’s social circle.
 
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glencor63 said:
. I am genuinely baffled as to the hostility, especially towards women. I think it stems from a belief, albeit not expressed that a woman’s sexuality belongs to men. Thoughts?
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No, I think that is too extreme. I have never heard anyone say a womans sexuality belongs to a man. It belongs to her husband because she chose him. Not simply because he’s a man and she is a woman.

Its probably just that they cant complain about divorced people and or people who cohabitate and have lots of kids out of wedlock because they know too many people who are divorced or cohabitating or have no problem with making kids out of wedlock. They will offend too many people and people are use to those things. Not so much people who actually Want to remain single for life

I think it is great you are happy single. I have known of too many lifelong singles who never found love despite wanting a relationship. And that is sad.
 
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I did not date in my teens, 20s, 30s, or 40s. I was in one sexual relationship in my mid 20s. I was so glad when it ended. I regained my freedom. I didn’t have to engage in sexual intimacy. It was so freeing. Whew! Peace of mind!

I have lots of friends, male and female. With my male friends, the friendship is strictly platonic. I go out on group dates or non-romantic one on one dates. I’m not a lesbian. I’m not attracted to women. My friends are a diverse group. Some are happily married with children. Some are married and childless. Many wanted to marry and/or have children, but never met the right man/woman. One of my best friends has been married for many years. She and her husband never wanted children. It’s what brought them together. She knew, like me that motherhood was not something she desired. I have friends that are divorced. I have friends that are widowed.

I never realized I was supposed to be looking for a husband as a young woman. LOL😂! I seriously never had that dream. It was truly baffling to me to hear the desperation of friends trying to find husbands. Reading, “Lady in Waiting” in a group in my early 30s; I was completely clueless that it was all about waiting for a spouse. I remember thinking, “Why am I reading this book”? I couldn’t relate. I still can’t relate. I couldn’t relate to girls needing boyfriends and boys needing girlfriends. I can’t relate to seeing men, wanting to date and have sex with them. I can appreciate beauty. I can appreciate attraction. I remember reading an encyclopedia article that stated that some people believe all women should have children because they are female and it’s a duty. I was really offended. I didn’t want marriage or children and knew no one had the right to judge that decision. I was around eight or nine years old. I knew I was asexual before the AVEN Movement. This has been my outlook and personality my entire life. People must understand that there are truly lifelong singles and celibates and no we don’t all have a vocation to religious life.
 
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There is nothing wrong with you. You are OK just the way you are. You have received a HUGE blessing in knowing what you want and not being afraid to live your life accordingly. So many people get married and/or have kids, only to realize they are miserable and they aren’t cut out for their situation in life.

I am sorry people can be judgemental about you being single. I have seen it though, so I know what you are talking about. I have a sister who is similar to you, and I have watched well-meaning family members and friends relentlessly try to play matchmaker with her. She shouldn’t have to explain herself to the level of detail you have explained yourself here. And yet, it is uncomfortable. I don’t get why people are always trying to insert themselves like that into the lives of other people. Anyhow, it says more about them then it does about the other person.
 
Thanks, QwertyGirl!

The problem is the sexual culture of the last 50+ years. There was a time when we weren’t so open about sex and the experience of sexuality. People had sex in private. They didn’t talk about needs and wants. They didn’t discuss sexual techniques. They didn’t discuss orgasms, sodomy, sex toys, or other private matters. I appreciate that the subject of human sexuality is no longer treated with shame. I’m glad that diverse sexual orientations are now recognized. What I don’t like is living in a culture that has elevated sex to the level of a deity. I hate hook up culture! Sexually transmitted infections are rampant. Abortion is a direct result of sexual promiscuity.

Aromantic Asexuals challenge the culture and not just secular culture. There’s reluctance, even among many Christians to acknowledge asexuality. Asexuality isn’t celibacy! It’s the absence in varying degrees of sexual attraction. There are different types of asexuals. Education is vitally important. I heard a podcast where a woman stated she was asexual. The minister proceeded to counsel her as if she was heterosexual; ignoring her question completely. It was so frustrating! There was a statement from a group dealing with Catholic vocations that stated asexuality didn’t exist because sexuality was "a gift from God”. (I can’t find the link). Anyway, I posted my question to read the opinions from fellow Christians about the hostility/ignorance that lifelong singles and/or asexuals often encounter. Peace!
 
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I think sometimes when people aren’t comfortable with the idea of being open to different sexual orientations, they don’t know what to do or say if the are presented with a situation like that. I think education is key. It doesn’t happen overnight, certainly. And it doesn’t happen at all if one isn’t open to the idea of learning more.
 
glencor63 said:
I never realized I was supposed to be looking for a husband as a young woman. LOL😂! I seriously never had that dream. It was truly baffling to me to hear the desperation of friends trying to find husbands.
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I didn’t get it either. I enjoyed having boyfriends and dates but I wasn’t in any hurry to get a husband. When I was young I felt I would have been happy just skipping the whole marriage thing to be honest. I didn’t see that as a big sacrifice and thought women who were anxious to get married were a bit odd. I could see that some of them really loved children and were driven by a wish to have their own babies.
That definitely wasn’t me. My mother had felt pretty much the same way as I did when she was young, and turned down several marriage proposals before at age 35, when she had pretty much decided marriage wasn’t in the cards for her, she met my dad and something just clicked between them. So maybe I got it from her.

The only reason I got married was that my husband was this Harry S Truman type who kept hanging around me for 10 years hoping we’d end up together I guess, and finally I got tired of dealing with other male idiots in my life and decided I might as well get married to Old Faithful as I was fresh out of other bright ideas. Now that he’s gone, I am having to get myself back to the mindset I was in when I was in my 20s, about not needing to be married/ not wanting to be married. I got used to being a wife during my marriage, I even got to enjoy it when the “eek, I’m someone’s wife” wore off after a few years. Now it’s hard to go back.

But I have zero wish to go looking for another husband. I was lucky to find the good man I had and it was enough of an adjustment to be married once. if God wills it to happen again it’ll happen, if not I won’t mind, I have a lot of other things to do with my life.
 
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I’m glad, because it worked out for me too.
I’m a better person for having married him. I didn’t realize what a good husband he was until we were about 15 years in and I had seen a lot of the rot that went on with other married couples.
 
glencor63 said:
I did not date in my teens, 20s, 30s, or 40s. I was in one sexual relationship in my mid 20s. I was so glad when it ended. I regained my freedom. I didn’t have to engage in sexual intimacy. It was so freeing. Whew! Peace of mind!
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I went on one date when I was 18, then did not go on a another single date until I was 27 I believe. I wanted a relationship but not enough to do anything about it. In my late 20’s is when I began to actually feel lonely so I actively started trying to find a girlfriend. I did not get one until I was 29. I really thought that there was a big possibility that since it seemed so hard for me to get a girlfriend that I might be single my entire life. That made me so sad. To the point that I cried in prayer many times in front of the blessed sacrament thinking about it.

I think it is awesome that you are completely content single. It shows how messed up society has become when people get looked at funny for being a lifelong single by choice but nobody bats a eye when they meet a 23 year old girl who is pregnant with her 3rd child, non of them born in wedlock and shacking up with her “baby’s daddy”. Nobody at all mentions how wrong that is these days. The problem is definitely not your life choice lol
 
I had several bachelors among my older relatives, and at least one spinster I know of. Never thought anything was wrong with it. People remain single for various reasons, and it’s really none of anyone else’s business. My own brother is a bachelor. I don’t judge any of them.

Also persecuted are married folks who remain childless. Nobody is obligated to bring a kid into the world, and there are some folks who have enough self awareness to realize they aren’t good parenting material, so they wisely refrain from having children.

We are often too busy judging others while totally ignorant of the facts of their situations.
 
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