Hostility towards lifelong singles

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Anicette said:
But I have been told many times that I am nobody without a job, and a burden for my family.
Does this makes me more lucky?
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If you can afford to live without working a paying job, then yes, you are very lucky. Don’t pay attention to what others have to say about it. None of their business.
 
@glencor63

I’m very sorry that you are experiencing this.
Could it be perhaps that it is not so much hostility but more that people understand marriage as happiness and wish for you to experience this happiness?

It is probably because people aren’t used to this “third way” of chosen singleness so they encourage you to go to dating events etc because they believe you would be unhappy otherwise.

Regarding asexuality, that is a relatively new concept which not many people would know about.
Could it be something like Autism?
If this is the case then there is no reason why you couldn’t still get married (if you wished).

There was a beautiful show on TV here recently about a woman who helps people with Autism understand emotions and social skills in relation to dating etc and I think it really helped some people.
I think it was called Love on the spectrum.
Even if it not come naturally for someone from childhood perhaps it still could be learnt to some degree:)

I am just putting this out there as an option. Perhaps you would still prefer to be single. I think it is ok.
 
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Rozellelily said:
Could it be perhaps that it is not so much hostility but more that people understand marriage as happiness and wish for you to experience this happiness?
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I know this is addressed to a different person but I hope you don’t mind if I respond.

If they say they are happy with their marriage and want the same thing for me, I thank them wholeheartedly. This comes from a place of love for which I am grateful. People who wish you well are a blessing in life.

However there are people who do not even know me well but still judge me as defective based on the fact that I am not married.

Even if they were right and I am indeed defective, why would I inflict myself on another person?
 
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It sounds then more that it is a reflection of them and not anything wrong about you:)

Is it more women or men that judge you or is it both?

It is awful that some people are like this.
Are you able to feel ok within your self about not being married and not feel defective?
While it may not totally take away the sting it may at least provide a bit of a buffer so that their judgement doesn’t affect you as much.
 
Rozellelily said:
Is it more women or men that judge you or is it both?
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I’ve had both judge me.

Their judgement does not affect me in the slightest since I usually have bigger worries than someone’s uninformed opinion of me.

In my experience, Christians are less likely to judge me than non-religious people.

Chastity is not an unheard of concept for Christians I guess but for secular people, it’s unheard of for someone to forego sex. Some even think it turns one into a pedophile.
 
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Sarcelle said:
Some even think it turns one into a pedophile.
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Imo they are viewing it wrong. If that was truly the case then there would be no child molestors who who were married men in sexual relationships.
 
This idea is more common that we think.

Enter into any discussion about the Church sex abuse scandals and there will be a substantial amount of people who think this could have been all avoided if priests were allowed to get married in the first place.

Let’s face it. Celibacy will always be suspect. I have a hunch that this could be part of the reason why the Pharisees didn’t view Jesus in a favorable light. He didn’t fit the picture of a Jewish patriarch but nevertheless spoke like he had the authority of one.
 
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Honestly my worst experiences were usually with protestant christians. There’s a particular sort (not unknown among catholics either) that seem to think anyone not married nor seeking to be must be because they prefer to sleep around. The Catholic version will give a pass to priests or vowed religious. But still, a single layperson is viewed as someone who won’t really commit to chastity.
 
I have heard of single Evangelicals who have left their church and some have even left Christianity due to poor treatment by married people.
 
DarkLight said:
But still, a single layperson is viewed as someone who won’t really commit to chastity.
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A single layperson who does not sleep around is committed to chastity.

Why do people think it’s impossible to go without sex?

People don’t die if they go without.

By the way, a bit of trivia, there is a belief in Eastern Europe that people who die while single come back as vampires.

Guess I found my new career.
 
QwertyGirl said:
If you can afford to live without working a paying job, then yes, you are very lucky. Don’t pay attention to what others have to say about it. None of their business.
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We cannot afford more than many others to live on one income. My husband has no steady job and a salary close the minimum legal salary. We do others choices. Of course it help to live in a less populated area and have had some family support to start.

I think the idea that the families where the mother staying at home are from upper classes is largely a myth. And even if the income of the husband is higher, they only have one salary not two.
 
When I worked in the corporate world, I experienced this. I was a fairly young man too yet a few people were openly hostile to me on this issue because I was single.

The issue is that a married man or woman can be put into a position where they are more easily controlled. You can say “Either do this or you lose your nice job!” Tell this to a single man, and they might say “Great! Let’s talk severances!..How cool would it be to live in a different part of the country!”

It’s like anything…It is about how people can control you.
 
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I’ve never seen the hostility you speak of. I have numerous Aunts and Uncles that did not marry, as well as a brother who has never married; prefers being alone and said after he served in the middle east in the military, he would never want to bring children in to this world. I’ve never seen or heard hostility towards them for that in our VERY Catholic extended family. Questions, comments and a little ribbing or jokes… but never hostility.
 
CoffeeCatholic said:
Questions, comments and a little ribbing or jokes… but never hostility.
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Are you sure your brother sees it that way?

To be fair, as a single person I can’t say I have experienced hostility. On saying that, I would like to marry if I met the right person. However I am also happy to remain single if necessary. I don’t feel called to religious life, but may need to discern more deeply
 
Yep… I am sure my brother sees it that way. LOL. He and I are very close and he basically says he gets some ribbing about it and the general “haven’t found someone yet huh?” kind of stuff and teasing him that no woman can put up with him… but he said even that is far and few. (And he’s heard all the jokes over the years so basically no… no one even does that anymore.)

Mostly no one really cares - friends and family don’t spend time dwelling on his single status. And like you said - if he met the right person he’d probably get married. But he hasn’t. He’s good either way… he’s also not felt called to religious life at all. He was a military guy for 20 years and pretty set in his ways so it’s going to take a pretty special lady! But nope - he will even tell you that for the most part no one cares if he’s single or not and no one really brings it up! 🙂
 
glencor63 said:
aromantic asexual
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Just so that I understand, do you mean that you have none of the other things that are usually “found” in people with Autism such as difficulty reading emotions or situations, difficulties with social interaction or connecting, grasping non verbal communication etc but just feel lack of romantic feelings for anyone?

Out of curiosity, are you able to feel/sense what the characters feel if you watch romantic movies?
 
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I don’t feel sexual or romantic attraction to men or women. I don’t even know what it means to feel attraction or desire for someone. I can appreciate beauty, intelligence, charm, wisdom, etc., but it’s all esthetic, like admiring a beautiful painting or a sunset. There’s no inclination to pursue the person romantically or sexually. I completely miss cues of romantic or sexual interest. I approach everyone the same. I don’t go out of my way to entice, beguile, or enthrall. I dress and look attractive for me, not to attract a potential mate. I don’t pair bond. I never wanted marriage or children, even as a child. I honestly have never felt a sexual or romantic connection with anyone, even my one sexual partner. I was perfectly content never being intimate. Sex was actually very unpleasant, like a chore that had to be performed. I couldn’t imagine a lifetime of sexual intimacy. It would be hell. This is how I know I am an aromantic asexual.
 
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I am normal in a sense that I do feel romantic and sexual attraction but it has never been a priority in my life.

I also do not go out of my way to entice, beguile and flirt. I simply don’t know how to do that even if I wanted to.

I did dream of marriage and children when younger but now I simply don’t care.
 
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Rozellelily said:
Just so that I understand, do you mean that you have none of the other things that are usually “found” in people with Autism such as difficulty reading emotions or situations, difficulties with social interaction or connecting, grasping non verbal communication etc but just feel lack of romantic feelings for anyone?

Out of curiosity, are you able to feel/sense what the characters feel if you watch romantic movies?
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I know you meant well, but - the idea that something (like autism) must be “wrong” with people who don’t experience a desire for sex or romance is often part of the hostility. It might be well intended to ask but it’s still extremely frustrating the way a lot of people will automatically assume there must be some mental issue or something.

I know personally the main thing I find frustrating is the way modern society often assumes you will only have an emotional connection to your romantic partner and your biological family. This isn’t how it was for most of history or how it is in other places. Modern US society has an unhealthy focus on the nuclear family as the sole unit for all need for human connection.
 
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