How am I supposed to find a Catholic girl I'm attracted to?

[Young_Thinker]

Stop being so picky.

In a way, I am sometimes glad that I seem to be called to the priesthood because I wanted to marry soon yet was also very particular about girls. My potential wife would have to be objectively beautiful, kind and understanding, and from a “good”(i.e. aristocratic or genteel) family, and preferably either a blue-eyed brunette, Iranian, or “Latin”(French, Italian, Portuguese, or “Hispanic Caucasian”). Though I had never “dated” a girl in my life, I was often thinking of possible ways to met her. Now, I know that God does not have such a girl for me. She may exist but is intended for me.

 

[Young_Thinker]

She may exist but is intended for me

I meant, “She may exist but is not intended for me.”

 

[StJudePray4Me]

Hamburglar,

Respectfully, you are not in a position to have a new girl right now. By your own admission, you are not over your ex, and you are struggling with school and your mental health. I’m afraid that the girl of your dreams is not going to appear and turn it all around for you.

I think your fixation on women right now is unhealthy, and should be discussed with your doctors, not on an internet message board.

Good luck, and I’m sure we will all be praying for you – not just to find a wife but to find peace of mind.

 

[hamburglar]

Of course I don’t think physical attraction is everything. The most important things I look for are a strong faith and qualities of a good mother. The girl I’m attracted to is these things, as well as cute, but she has a boyfriend and it’s killing me knowing I can’t be with her and love her.

 

[PatriceA]

Of course I don’t think physical attraction is everything. The most important things I look for are a strong faith and qualities of a good mother. The girl I’m attracted to is these things, as well as cute, but she has a boyfriend and it’s killing me knowing I can’t be with her and love her.

Is this girl you are attracted to your old girlfriend or a new one? And I got to say, either or, you are now presenting a different scenerio than your OP and its quite confusing to offer you any kind of advice when the situation seems to be shifting so much.

 

[hamburglar]

Is this girl you are attracted to your old girlfriend or a new one? And I got to say, either or, you are now presenting a different scenerio than your OP and its quite confusing to offer you any kind of advice when the situation seems to be shifting so much.

Maybe I wasn’t clearer in my original post. I still miss my ex-girlfriend, but I don’t think I love her anymore. The girl I said I am attracted to is a different girl, but she has a boyfriend.

 

[Aetheria]

About unrequited love (since you said you’re attracted to another girl who already has a boyfriend), the best thing you can do about it is to try and stop obsessing about it. In college, I had a series of year-long, head-over-heels, completely hopeless crushes on classmates who were either already attached or wanted nothing to do with me. The only thing that helped was realizing that I wanted freedom from the sadness and angst this was causing me more than I wanted to keep mooning after whoever it happened to be at the time.

The best medicine, sadly, is absence. You know that she has a boyfriend and that your attraction to her therefore isn’t going anywhere, so why spend any more time on it? Try avoiding your crush object as much as you can, going to different events and spending time with other friends, and maybe it’ll become easier to see that you do have a life without her. Also, I found that going to Adoration regularly really helped: first, you’re going to spend time with someone you know loves you, more certainly than any girl ever could; and second, it’s a good time to offer up the pain of having a crush (it’s not really that different from e.g. having a broken leg, so why not?) for your future spouse, for the souls in Purgatory, whatever.

 

[rapunzel77]

Maybe I wasn’t clearer in my original post. I still miss my ex-girlfriend, but I don’t think I love her anymore. The girl I said I am attracted to is a different girl, but she has a boyfriend.

I have read all of your posts and I have to say that one of your main problems is that you haven’t let go. Let go of both of these girls. You are dwelling to much on might have beens. Instead, concentrate on school and expand your horizons. Take up a hobby. Perhaps get involved in a parish singles group so that you can meet other people. Above all, relax. As for as your mental situation, go to a professional. Perhaps you are already doing that.

UbiCaritas gave some good advice about mental health and finances but I have to chime in. It took me over 12 years to finally get my BA. I racked up a lot of debt. It will take many, many years to pay it off. Sadly, I also have credit card debt too . My husband did as well when we met. We knew that we were going to live paycheck to paycheck. Both of us have come from families who have done that. They didn’t have investments or anything. They just worked and raised a family. That is probably what we will have to do too. The key is being responsible with one’s money. Spend it on stuff that you need to spend it on and be prudent about it. Also, I was fine with my husband having a lower paying job as long as it was a steady job. We work to make it happen. In this economy, anything can happen. People are losing their jobs all over the place so I would say that its best to find someone who can maintain a steady job and is responsible with money. Sure, having absurd amounts of debt is not the best way to start a marriage. Since then we have also had many medical bills. However, we will work it out because we want to work at it. We have to. I think that the willingness to work through difficulties is one of the MOST important part of a marriage in addition to your other wonderful comments .

 

[EasterJoy]

Maybe I wasn’t clearer in my original post. I still miss my ex-girlfriend, but I don’t think I love her anymore. The girl I said I am attracted to is a different girl, but she has a boyfriend.

There is an old saying: Don’t marry for money. Hang around rich people, and marry for love.

I think to find a good Catholic girl to marry, you do what you can to be the best Catholic man you can be, and you hang around with good Catholics. Maybe you marry soon, maybe later, maybe much later. Maybe someday you realize that you have other fish to fry for the Lord, and don’t need the distraction. Let God take care of that. In the meantime, concern yourself with things of the Lord. That way, Catholic women who are similarly concerned will see you as someone with whom they can be evenly yoked.

Don’t worry if you mourn your lost hopes for awhile. It is better, though, not to actively go hunting until you feel finished from licking your wounds from the last time. That is a recipe for settling for less than you need.

As for the girl you are still attracted to, do not covet what now belongs to someone else. She is not his wife, but…well, “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Don’t have anything to do with her, save what you would see innocent for a male friend to be to her if she were *your *girlfriend. It is OK to be close enough that she can see you are attractive; she is not married. Just don’t actively try to win her from the other fellow. Let their relationship have its time. Make sure it is done with before you accept any overtures from her; she will respect that. If it doesn’t work, she’ll know where to find you, and she will know you to be a decent sort. If it does work out between them, well, she may have a friend that she just has to introduce to you, a much better match for you than she is. Stranger things have happened.

 

[EasterJoy]

I have read all of your posts and I have to say that one of your main problems is that you haven’t let go. Let go of both of these girls. You are dwelling to much on might have beens.

Eventually, but the letting go need not be immediate. A little mourning over what might have been is OK, and probably inevitable, IMHO. People aren’t made of stone. What hurts, hurts. You just want to stay out of the hunt and refrain from self-appraisal until you’ve decided to be done with the regrets.

But yes, eventually: What would have been is what was.

 

[hamburglar]

As for the girl you are still attracted to, do not covet what now belongs to someone else. She is not his wife, but…well, “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Don’t have anything to do with her, save what you would see innocent for a male friend to be to her if she were *your *girlfriend. It is OK to be close enough that she can see you are attractive; she is not married. Just don’t actively try to win her from the other fellow. Let their relationship have its time. Make sure it is done with before you accept any overtures from her; she will respect that. If it doesn’t work, she’ll know where to find you, and she will know you to be a decent sort. If it does work out between them, well, she may have a friend that she just has to introduce to you, a much better match for you than she is. Stranger things have happened.

I think this describes the current situation with this other girl and your post says what I need to do, and I am working on that. With my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I get really attached to things, such as this girl. It has developed into being essentially obsessed with her, and I’m having trouble letting her go, as well as the ex-girlfriend. Everyone always says to give it time, but that’s so hard for me when I’m “obsessed” with this girl.

 

[EasterJoy]

I think this describes the current situation with this other girl and your post says what I need to do, and I am working on that. With my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I get really attached to things, such as this girl. It has developed into being essentially obsessed with her, and I’m having trouble letting her go, as well as the ex-girlfriend. Everyone always says to give it time, but that’s so hard for me when I’m “obsessed” with this girl.

Ask your therapist, but you may have luck with substituting a different obsession for this one, rather than “just letting go.” Or you may have to talk to yourself about your OCD as if it were a little pest: “I’m not obsesssing over her. I’m obsessing over my idea of her. That is my OCD talking.”

 

[hamburglar]

It’s hard for me to know she is with her boyfriend everyday. It is hard going to bed knowing she’s going to a baseball game tomorrow with this guy, knowing they will have a great time. Perhaps it’s immature I think this way, but it’s taking over my life.

 

[EasterJoy]

It’s hard for me to know she is with her boyfriend everyday. It is hard going to bed knowing she’s going to a baseball game tomorrow with this guy, knowing they will have a great time. Perhaps it’s immature I think this way, but it’s taking over my life.

It is partly your OCD talking. It is like having a friend who won’t shut up…there is a degree to which the thoughts OCD runs through your mind is not entirely in your control. To some extent, you have to patiently endure it. And to some extent, all of us go through what you’re going through, like when you lose a tooth and your tongue goes to that empty spot until the new tooth comes in. It will eventually subside.

You might be able to turn your thoughts a certain way whenever this “friend” starts yammering: “I care about her, so as long as she is happy, I will decide to be happy for her, even though I miss her.” Mostly, though, I’d try substituting a different thought when the obsession starts talking, as in: “Whenever I think of her, this one I can’t have, I am going to pray for my eventual mate, that God is taking care of her and bringing her closer to him, whether I have ever met her or not.”

Talk to your therapist about it, but expect it to be the work of a lifetime. With some of us, it is a constant battle with weight; with others, judgement of others; with some, purity in thoughts toward the opposite sex; for most, several things like that. This is one of yours. It is a vale of tears that we are in. Be faithful, stay in the battle as best as you can, and trust God to free you in the end. But do not be discouraged that you have a struggle. We all do.

Good luck and God bless you!

 

[Nickomac]

Hi, I know how you feel. For 14 years I was in love with the same girl and was with her on and off during this time in between her other relationships. She is Catholic but as you can imagine not a very observant one (and neither was I). I asked her to marry me more times that I could count. During my times of rejection my strength of faith waxed and waned. After all these years we remain best freinds but nothing more, and now I would have it no other way. I learnt from this and a disastrous previous (civil) marriage that God is not at fault and it was his way of protecting me from making another great mistake. I look to my faith stronger now than ever and don’t worry about the pursuit of relationships. I am 51 years old, celebate and happy as before I gave too freely and paid the price. Let your faith strengthen you and don’t sacrifice it because you haven’t found that one special girl. Chances are if you stop looking then if its meant to be you will find each other. Make your peace with God and dry the tears, live your life and you’ll feel better for it. You are still very young.

 

[Zzyzx_Road]

Short and to the point: get yourself your own life, your own mission, your own purpose that doesn’t involve women. Does not mean you stop paying attention to women, just means you stop making them the be-all, end-all of your life.

 

[Sarcelle]

lol, this goes both ways. It’s hard to find a good-Catholic boy you’re interested in. Don’t just completely outcast a girl because she’s not “traditional/orthodox.” Perhaps you were placed into her life to help her find her faith again?

While I agree that we are all in different stages on out faith journey, I would be hesitant to suggest missionary dating.

 

[Sarcelle]

I think this describes the current situation with this other girl and your post says what I need to do, and I am working on that. With my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, I get really attached to things, such as this girl. It has developed into being essentially obsessed with her, and I’m having trouble letting her go, as well as the ex-girlfriend. Everyone always says to give it time, but that’s so hard for me when I’m “obsessed” with this girl.

Obsessed? All kinds of warning bells are now ringing.

Well to be blunt, she has made her choice and it’s not you. Let go and live your life and set yourself free from your obsession. Easier said than done I know. Life still goes on. You have to hop on it or it will pass you by.

Maybe you can find yourself a spiritual director?

 

[Allegra]

I don’t have any interests, any hobbies, or really any friends. I am depressed and lonely. I was so happy when my ex-girlfriend and I were dating and we both thought we were going to get married. Then she broke up with me and everything became terrible: I flunked out of school, went to the mental hospital, lost friends, and basically sat around and cried all day. I still am like this and I want nothing more than to find the girl God desires for me, and eventually marry her and have a family.

This is all evidence that you are not ready for a new relationship yet. Maybe that’s why you aren’t attracted to anyone. You aren’t ready yet.

 

[pensmama87]

Just a note that the OP is over five years old…and maybe Nickomac would have better luck if he started his own thread.