How Can I Help Sibling Without Enabling?

  • Thread starter Thread starter sparkle
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
S

sparkle

Guest
Dear Friends: Have an older sibling with a wife who just cannot get it together. Parents have enabled him his whole life from being responsible, financially able, bailed him out from literally every mess, etc. He is a musical genius, yet has NO common sense. Know the type? He has always “run home to Mom and Dad” when the goin’ gets tough and folks have ALWAYS bailed him out, despite advice from relatives. I love him and wonder how can I help? I’ve invited him and his wife to the Catholic Family Conference with us, which we’d pay for everything, yes a strain for us, but we’d do it all the same for family. Encouraged him to no end, with Scripture, etc., prayed for the intercession of St. Rita for him (thx to Fritz) What else can I do? Should I do? He’s now homeless, just left folks house who kicked him out for the umpteenth time. Am losing sleep over it. We have no money ourselves, barely enough for gas these days. I don’t know what is the right thing for do for someone like this, who has been enabled therefore, they have no “UMPH”. As a Catholic, my heart goes out, but how can I know if I’m helping or hurting?

Thoughts soooo appreciated. Luv ya’all~~
 
Keep praying for him, but stay out of it. He needs to learn the hard way.
 
40.png
urquhart:
Keep praying for him, but stay out of it. He needs to learn the hard way.
Click to expand...
Thank you friend, for your advice. Yes, I have been, but he gets our whole family so involved and upset…it’s hard. You remind me of the basics.

God Bless You Dear Urquhart~~
 
It’s tough, because whatever you do to help will be seen as enabling by him. Doesn’t his wife have anythign to say about this? It seems she’d get tired of living with a homeless man.
 
40.png
The_Angelus:
It’s tough, because whatever you do to help will be seen as enabling by him. Doesn’t his wife have anythign to say about this? It seems she’d get tired of living with a homeless man.
Click to expand...
His wife is a foreigner, and I know most happy to be married to a handsome American.
 
You’re in a tough spot! I would suggest calling around for information from social service agencies. Most will only work with them if one of them actually calls, because they have to take resonsibility for themselves. However, you might be able to find out if there are any subsidized housing opportunities in your area. Depending on where you live, there may be options other than your family to help him. However, to use them, he’ll need to take some responsibility.

Where I work we have a transitional housing program for people who are homeless but can’t get a place of their own yet for various reasons. They rent apartments based on income (no income = $25 per month rent) and they have to meet with case managers at least once a week in the program. They learn how to manage money, take care of a home, deal with social service agencies, find a job, etc. etc. Every housing program is different, but I know there are lots out there.

Where do you live? I might be able to help you find something to look into. Good luck! :blessyou:
 
Since there are no kids involved it sounds like time for every one to step back, stop bailing them out and let them figure out once and for all how to keep their own boat afloat. It can be hard to stand by and watch someone you love stumble, fall and suffer. But on the other hand if no one gives them the chance to learn, they may never do it.

I, too, have a brother like this. He and his wife are bright enough–she even graduated from an Ive League college–but collectively they don’t have the common sense of most potted plants. To be blunt, they are a couple of over-grown spoiled children. They have been the recipients of a variety of parental bail-outs over the years largely because they ventured into the baby making business immediately after they were married. Things have improved a little over the years, but I’m sure if they didn’t have trust fund $ to fall back on they probably couldn’t support themselves.
 
40.png
urquhart:
Keep praying for him, but stay out of it. He needs to learn the hard way.
Click to expand...
Really really hard thing to do. HOWEVER, I did it when my 27 y/o daughter thought she knew better. Hardest thing to do sometimes…letting someone you love live their own life.
~ Kathy ~
 
40.png
Katie1723:
Really really hard thing to do. HOWEVER, I did it when my 27 y/o daughter thought she knew better. Hardest thing to do sometimes…letting someone you love live their own life.
~ Kathy ~
Click to expand...
Hey thx Katie1723 and IO!!! Very hard when you keep seeing your parents bailing them out of EVERY mess!

Just found out he “quit his job” --was not fired–then shows up at my folks again asking for $$$$$–of course they always give it to him since “he’s such a brain”. And my dad is a minister! They just refuse to see and “feel so sorry for them”. They have no kids.

He’s very manipulative as well. Why I even found myself writing to him offering to give them a little money. Couldn’t help it. Keep thinking of the charitable thing to do–if you have it–give it–then being extremely puzzled as to knowing when you’re enabling, hence the reason for my post.

Thx friends. All (name removed by moderator)ut is sooo helpful and I thank you all!

Funny–of all the kids–my folks know they’re in the wrong by handing him endless $$$$, but they haven’t even called me in 2 weeks, but they called my other siblings. Weird huh? And I haven’t expressed any opinions to them! What explains this weirdness? IO–any thoughts my wise friend? Others?
 
40.png
sparkle:
Funny–of all the kids–my folks know they’re in the wrong by handing him endless $$$$, but they haven’t even called me in 2 weeks, but they called my other siblings. Weird huh? And I haven’t expressed any opinions to them! What explains this weirdness? IO–any thoughts my wise friend? Others?
Click to expand...
I would bet this is because YOU tell it like it is. They know you are right and have been all along.
~ Kathy ~
 
40.png
Katie1723:
I would bet this is because YOU tell it like it is. They know you are right and have been all along.
~ Kathy ~
Click to expand...
Yes, Katie–I suppose, although I keep to myself about it, except sharing my views with one sister. Latest is now, this sibling “popped in” again at folks today again, and we’re all supposed to be there for this next weekend for a family event reunion, staying with the folks, and now of course my family will be shuffled off to a motel, cuz “he’s” got to stay there.!!! Dad says once again this morning, how “sorry he feels for him”, etc., etc., “why the rents are so expensive where they live”…with no job, etc., knowing full well how he quit his last job just recently, with nothing to go to, but once again, as always he just “appears” at folks for a bail out. They drop everything and everybody else to assist him.

Needless to say, I am very upset and hurt over this. Why? I ask? I feel like I don’t even want to go for a visit now next weekend. I’m always last on the list, and witnessing such ENABLING, makes me sick! Oh all I ever hear is “poor him”…they don’t see what they’re doing. Should I even bring up his name? I feel like perhaps I should not even mention him again. They’re gonna do what they want regardless, right?
Any advice on what I should even say to parents? I sit and listen to them feel “so sorry” for my manipulative, incompetent sibling, uuuugh---- it makes me literally sick. I did suggest about a year ago to my folks how I thought it might really be a good idea for them to go get some counseling over this problem, after some weird events where they rented him a car, took it away finally, telling him to gain employment, then felt so guilty for taking it away–they drove 6 hours to return it to him. Wow–is this weird or what??? OH they wouldn’t hear of my counseling suggestion, and assured me “We know what we’re doing,we’ve prayed about it”…uh huh. OK. I do think in cases like this, there is some WAY back need for parents to live thru their children. They see perhaps a talent, a gift, and then nothing else matters, except to force that child to exceed in it. For THEM maybe, for the parents’ egos. Probably. I dunno, this whole scenario really bums me out.

What say? Anything?
 
I don’t think you CAN help this sibling. It isn’t your job, either.

It sounds like aside from the hurt you feel over this sibling taking advantage of your parents, you also feel hurt that he apparently gets more attention, compassion and help from your family than perhaps you do.

I notice that your feelings are a little delicate in regards to what your 11 year old says about your parenting, what your in-laws say about your home and how you keep it, the lack of attention from your husband and now even how much your parents call you. I can imagine that separately these situations are all hurtful, but dealing with them together is probably particularly painful.

As difficult as it sounds, I think perhaps something you might consider doing is learning to find your esteem in the love that Christ offers you and not the meager hand-outs from your family. This means choosing not to weigh your self-worth against how much attention or appreciation you receive from family members. In simple terms: stop keeping track of how much everyone else gets and how little you receive. Yes, it’s not fair that your parents seem incapable of recognizing your brother’s manipulation. It’s not fair that they call all of your other siblings and don’t include you. It’s not fair that they promised you a place to stay and now you feel forced to get a motel. However, you are an adult now and no longer a child. As such, you must respond with the mind and heart of an adult.

If you can’t afford a motel next weekend, then don’t go. I know you don’t want to miss out on something fun, but won’t the experience be tainted by resentment anyway? Your lazy brother gets to stay with Mom and Dad while you and your family of 6 is put out. If you don’t like it, don’t go.

Furthermore, start re-shaping your thinking about these situations. It’s okay to talk about the hurt you feel, but recognize that you may not have these situations resolved the way you want them to be. You cannot change the interaction between your brother and your parents. It is not really your business how often or how much they choose to bail him out of his many messes.

I also think you may have a misunderstanding of what charity would be in this situation. It is not “charitable” to give money to an able-bodied man who chooses to quit his job and laze about until he no longer has a home or food to feed his wife. The “charitable” thing to do is not contribute to his laziness. It actually does more harm than good–it becomes the opposite of charity. If you want to love your brother, encourage him to get a job and make steps to move out of your parents house and support himself.

IF you are asked about this situation–only IF–then be honest about your opinion. It appears from your words that you choose to keep all this resentment and anger inside, and then privately feel very hurt and seek approval and attention from your parents and siblings in ways that only end up hurting yourself. (Such as giving money when you don’t have it and he doesn’t deserve it–but you know subconsciously that your parents would “approve” of such an action because they are so convoluted in their own thinking.) But otherwise I wouldn’t waste my time or energy worrying about what my lazy brother is doing and how my entire family is in a twitter over what his latest drama is. You might be surprised to find that when YOU get bored by it, OTHER family members will soon realize that it’s a waste of time to be regaled time and again by the woes of a lazy man.
 
40.png
Princess_Abby:
I don’t think you CAN help this sibling. It isn’t your job, either.

It sounds like aside from the hurt you feel over this sibling taking advantage of your parents, you also feel hurt that he apparently gets more attention, compassion and help from your family than perhaps you do.

I notice that your feelings are a little delicate in regards to what your 11 year old says about your parenting, what your in-laws say about your home and how you keep it, the lack of attention from your husband and now even how much your parents call you. I can imagine that separately these situations are all hurtful, but dealing with them together is probably particularly painful.

As difficult as it sounds, I think perhaps something you might consider doing is learning to find your esteem in the love that Christ offers you and not the meager hand-outs from your family. This means choosing not to weigh your self-worth against how much attention or appreciation you receive from family members. In simple terms: stop keeping track of how much everyone else gets and how little you receive. Yes, it’s not fair that your parents seem incapable of recognizing your brother’s manipulation. It’s not fair that they call all of your other siblings and don’t include you. It’s not fair that they promised you a place to stay and now you feel forced to get a motel. However, you are an adult now and no longer a child. As such, you must respond with the mind and heart of an adult.

If you can’t afford a motel next weekend, then don’t go. I know you don’t want to miss out on something fun, but won’t the experience be tainted by resentment anyway? Your lazy brother gets to stay with Mom and Dad while you and your family of 6 is put out. If you don’t like it, don’t go.

Furthermore, start re-shaping your thinking about these situations. It’s okay to talk about the hurt you feel, but recognize that you may not have these situations resolved the way you want them to be. You cannot change the interaction between your brother and your parents. It is not really your business how often or how much they choose to bail him out of his many messes.

I also think you may have a misunderstanding of what charity would be in this situation. It is not “charitable” to give money to an able-bodied man who chooses to quit his job and laze about until he no longer has a home or food to feed his wife. The “charitable” thing to do is not contribute to his laziness. It actually does more harm than good–it becomes the opposite of charity. If you want to love your brother, encourage him to get a job and make steps to move out of your parents house and support himself.

IF you are asked about this situation–only IF–then be honest about your opinion. It appears from your words that you choose to keep all this resentment and anger inside, and then privately feel very hurt and seek approval and attention from your parents and siblings in ways that only end up hurting yourself. (Such as giving money when you don’t have it and he doesn’t deserve it–but you know subconsciously that your parents would “approve” of such an action because they are so convoluted in their own thinking.) But otherwise I wouldn’t waste my time or energy worrying about what my lazy brother is doing and how my entire family is in a twitter over what his latest drama is. You might be surprised to find that when YOU get bored by it, OTHER family members will soon realize that it’s a waste of time to be regaled time and again by the woes of a lazy man.
Click to expand...
WOW Princess Abbey: You are absolutely right! In everything you say! Thanks alot! I guess I hadn’t realized alot— Thx for making me aware Abby!!! I did offer to bring him and his wife along to the Catholic Conference with us this summer. Said we’d get them a hotel room, just maybe they’ll go!!! A slim chance!

Thx again for your very wise postPA!!!
 
40.png
sparkle:
Funny–of all the kids–my folks know they’re in the wrong by handing him endless $$$$, but they haven’t even called me in 2 weeks, but they called my other siblings. Weird huh? And I haven’t expressed any opinions to them! What explains this weirdness? IO–any thoughts my wise friend? Others?
Click to expand...
Their radar is working just fine, thank you. They know where you stand, which is not where they have chosen to stand.

I would seriously doubt, with all the history, that they don’t have apretty good idea where you stand. Avoidance is a very loud voice…
 
40.png
Princess_Abby:
I don’t think you CAN help this sibling. It isn’t your job, either.

It sounds like aside from the hurt you feel over this sibling taking advantage of your parents, you also feel hurt that he apparently gets more attention, compassion and help from your family than perhaps you do.

I notice that your feelings are a little delicate in regards to what your 11 year old says about your parenting, what your in-laws say about your home and how you keep it, the lack of attention from your husband and now even how much your parents call you. I can imagine that separately these situations are all hurtful, but dealing with them together is probably particularly painful.

As difficult as it sounds, I think perhaps something you might consider doing is learning to find your esteem in the love that Christ offers you and not the meager hand-outs from your family. This means choosing not to weigh your self-worth against how much attention or appreciation you receive from family members. In simple terms: stop keeping track of how much everyone else gets and how little you receive. Yes, it’s not fair that your parents seem incapable of recognizing your brother’s manipulation. It’s not fair that they call all of your other siblings and don’t include you. It’s not fair that they promised you a place to stay and now you feel forced to get a motel. However, you are an adult now and no longer a child. As such, you must respond with the mind and heart of an adult.

If you can’t afford a motel next weekend, then don’t go. I know you don’t want to miss out on something fun, but won’t the experience be tainted by resentment anyway? Your lazy brother gets to stay with Mom and Dad while you and your family of 6 is put out. If you don’t like it, don’t go.

Furthermore, start re-shaping your thinking about these situations. It’s okay to talk about the hurt you feel, but recognize that you may not have these situations resolved the way you want them to be. You cannot change the interaction between your brother and your parents. It is not really your business how often or how much they choose to bail him out of his many messes.

I also think you may have a misunderstanding of what charity would be in this situation. It is not “charitable” to give money to an able-bodied man who chooses to quit his job and laze about until he no longer has a home or food to feed his wife. The “charitable” thing to do is not contribute to his laziness. It actually does more harm than good–it becomes the opposite of charity. If you want to love your brother, encourage him to get a job and make steps to move out of your parents house and support himself.

IF you are asked about this situation–only IF–then be honest about your opinion. It appears from your words that you choose to keep all this resentment and anger inside, and then privately feel very hurt and seek approval and attention from your parents and siblings in ways that only end up hurting yourself. (Such as giving money when you don’t have it and he doesn’t deserve it–but you know subconsciously that your parents would “approve” of such an action because they are so convoluted in their own thinking.) But otherwise I wouldn’t waste my time or energy worrying about what my lazy brother is doing and how my entire family is in a twitter over what his latest drama is. You might be surprised to find that when YOU get bored by it, OTHER family members will soon realize that it’s a waste of time to be regaled time and again by the woes of a lazy man.
Click to expand...
Very insightful!
 
I’m in agreement with a few others who already posted, based on personal experience. When you have a friend or relative who, for whatever reason, hasn’t grown up enough to take personal responsibility to get himself out of a major financial slump… there’s not much you can or should do about it. Going through such a tough time on his own will probably prove to be character-building.

If you’re compelled by compassion for him or God inspires you to reach out a helping hand (which you may be, since you’re losing sleep over this), I really recommend confining your help to actions. (never give money or large gifts like a car, even if you could). You could research into charities or government organizations who help people like him get back on their feet, and then direct him to them. Or you could keep him posted on “help wanted” signs and drive him to interviews.
 
Friends: Just have to “vent”.

Heard from my sibling (the one completely enabled by parents) tonite via e-mail. Well after offering to take him and his wife to the Catholic Conference and giving them a little money, and in general expressing my concern for him and his spiritual life, I was blown away by his e-mail of today.

He tells me to pretty much “go shove it”. That he in no way wants to be told about Catholicism, “keep it to myself”…and he doesn’t want or need my concern. He said he found them insulting. Hummmmm–really? I am a bit hurt, but then knowing him and how off the beaten path he is, I’m really not surprised. He laughed at my suggestions of employment for him, etc., etc., and my encouraging him to “make it on his own”.

I can’t help thinking of Princess Abby and her wise advice. I feel so much when I stick my neck out to help or even share my new-found faith, it just gets snipped off. 😦 I really feel for my brother, but he doesn’t want or need it. —Except $$$$ from my parents however.

Thx for listening guys~~and
Many Blessings for a Great Weekend
 
40.png
sparkle:
Friends: Just have to “vent”.

Heard from my sibling (the one completely enabled by parents) tonite via e-mail. Well after offering to take him and his wife to the Catholic Conference and giving them a little money, and in general expressing my concern for him and his spiritual life, I was blown away by his e-mail of today.

He tells me to pretty much “go shove it”. That he in no way wants to be told about Catholicism, “keep it to myself”…and he doesn’t want or need my concern. He said he found them insulting. Hummmmm–really? I am a bit hurt, but then knowing him and how off the beaten path he is, I’m really not surprised. He laughed at my suggestions of employment for him, etc., etc., and my encouraging him to “make it on his own”.

I can’t help thinking of Princess Abby and her wise advice. I feel so much when I stick my neck out to help or even share my new-found faith, it just gets snipped off. 😦 I really feel for my brother, but he doesn’t want or need it. —Except $$$$ from my parents however.

Thx for listening guys~~and
Many Blessings for a Great Weekend
Click to expand...
This must have been really painful for you.
The thing about sin is that it really seperates us from the good intentions of those who love us.
I will pray for you and your brother. It may take years but maybe the love you have given will take root.
 
Sparkle,

Your first responsibility is to your children. Sounds like you have your own difficulties to work through. Don’t take on your sibling and his family. It will not serve either of you well. Sometimes “silence” in a family is a good thing. Your parents tossed him out…that should tell you something!!

Love and peace

Mom
 
Friends: Once again, this sibling has approached my loving elderly parents for a large sum of money, with a most dishonest scheme. They of course gave it to him, *again. **YES, ***it has been an ongoing pattern, this time I found out some info on the lies and untruths that my brother has proposed to my parents, to get this large sum of money. Do you think I should tell my parents about it?

Thank you.
P.S. I feel my parents are/and have been in the dark for years about this sibling. He has lied and maneuvered to get what he wants, mainly the “funds”, but I fear he is a “pathological liar” at the same time. I just feel they should know about it, then if it is their choice to continue in this pattern, well, then it is their choice. I don’t see how they could be so blind to it. All the while, saying: “He is our son, we love him,”…This sibling of mind has had the wool pulled over their eyes completely for probably 25 years now. Do I have a duty to tell them?
Advice most appreciated~
Luv, Sparkle
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top