How Can I Help Sibling Without Enabling?

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Again, you need to trust in God. Out of great evil comes great good. Unless you can go to the authorities with proof of illegal activity on the part of your brother (lying to your parents to get money may or may NOT be the basis for a fraud charge) and your parents are so incompetent that you need to take over their care and so press charges against him, you need to get over the fact that they are helping him and let God do HIS JOB.

Frankly - it sounds like that old Smothers Brothers routine; you are mad because they like your brother ‘best’.
 
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LSK:
Again, you need to trust in God. Out of great evil comes great good. Unless you can go to the authorities with proof of illegal activity on the part of your brother (lying to your parents to get money may or may NOT be the basis for a fraud charge) and your parents are so incompetent that you need to take over their care and so press charges against him, you need to get over the fact that they are helping him and let God do HIS JOB.

Frankly - it sounds like that old Smothers Brothers routine; you are mad because they like your brother ‘best’.
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What you’re saying, I think, falls into the category of “True”, “True”, and “Not necessarily related.”

She is hurt that he takes advantage of them and that they seem to take her for granted. But as he has not come home repentant, but rather returns each time ever more emboldened to rob them, she is not entirely in the position of the elder brother in the prodigal son story. Of course he’s upset with her. She’s challenging his “right” to be irresponsible and trying to put stop to his racket!

There is a world of ground that lies between “this is none of my business” and “you, Mom and Dad, are incompetent, so I am going to take this decision out of your hands”. The story is complicated by her jealousy, but at least she recognizes it. There may be nothing she can do, but talking to someone who has actually met her brother and parents, someone with pastoral experience who can help her discern what part jealousy plays and what part a legitimate desire to protect her parents from harm, will help her decide where her response should be.

You may be right. She may have no good option but to pray, give her parents the love and support due them, and keep her mouth shut. The possibility exists, though, that she ought to be doing more. It is one she ought to have help investigating from someone better able to guage the true landscape than we could possibly have.
 
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BLB_Oregon:
It is one she ought to have help investigating from someone better able to guage the true landscape than we could possibly have.
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now THAT’S an intelligent response - a neutral party to truly evaluate whassup with this family…and then LET GOD DO HIS JOB…
 
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sparkle:
Hummmmm. Never considered that one. Thx for sharing your opinion, as always, LSK, but I would say I’m more concerned about at this juncture especially, after this latest fraudulent and completely dishonest illegal activity, this event is just so shocking, their being “taken”, duped, having the wool pulled completely over their eyes. I do know it is still their life, and people do have free will, yes, but I do think if someone is blatently ripping someone off, especially within your family, we shouldn’t just sit there and think, “it’s their problem, let them deal with it, they must know the jist of it.” Many folks just don’t grasp the jist of it. My other siblings are stooped also as to know how to handle it. Thought I could get some insight here on the forums. Seems it’s really the culture today, and the prevalent thinking, “everybody fend for themself”. No one wants to get involved today, and try to help. That’s life I guess. At the same time, LSK, I think I grasp your point too, that if a person has done what they can, and pointed out something over and over, and people keep making the same mistakes, choosing what they want to think and believe, it might be time to stop trying to assist, and let the chips fall where they may.
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EXACTLY let the chips fall where they may otherwise YOU are the one with the problem. There is a line between helping and interfering. You let you point be know, and that’s all can do your brother and your parents are adults.
 
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kaymart:
EXACTLY let the chips fall where they may otherwise YOU are the one with the problem. There is a line between helping and interfering. You let you point be know, and that’s all can do your brother and your parents are adults.
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Yes. Kaymart. I see what you are saying, and I thank you.
 
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sparkle:
Yes. Kaymart. I see what you are saying, and I thank you.
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Your welcome, I didn’t mean to sound harsh but I been there done that and I got burned. We can’t change others, but we can change how we react to them. 20 years ago, My dear BIL, God rest his Soul, was a “text book user of people”, drank like a fish and beat his wife,When we tried to help and My husband and I were the “bad” ones. We cut ties with them, my BIL’s widow is as nutty as he was, but the children now 35 and 27 are close with us.
 
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kaymart:
Your welcome, I didn’t mean to sound harsh but I been there done that and I got burned. We can’t change others, but we can change how we react to them. 20 years ago, My dear BIL, God rest his Soul, was a “text book user of people”, drank like a fish and beat his wife,When we tried to help and My husband and I were the “bad” ones. We cut ties with them, my BIL’s widow is as nutty as he was, but the children now 35 and 27 are close with us.
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Thanks for sharing this kaymart. Romans 8:28 Praise God that your BIL’s kids are close to you guys!!! That’s so neat!!!🙂
 
I told my parents just lately via a letter the fraudulent schemes my sibling is maneuvering this time, (that I positively found out about) and also that I feel he is “pulling the wool over their eyes”, and perhaps he has a serious problem. I also said I feel my parents have chosen not to face the reality of the situation, but rather have these high hopes for him because I feel they have some need to put him on a pedestal, and not see him clearly. You know often that “competition” thing among their siblings. He is the firstborn of us kids, and very gifted intellectually, although off his rocker. This is all I’m going to ever say about such to them again. All my other siblings agree with this assessment as well. I think they must have known all along how he is, how he lies, fabricates, etc., but the pain, (as some other poster mentioned) of losing a relationship with their son must override all this and their better judgment. I really feel I needed to tell them this in love. They phoned me, the day they got this letter, and I just haven’t wanted to talk to them yet, rather want to give them several days to ponder what I wrote. Matter of fact, I don’t feel like talking to them at all for weeks quite frankly, and neither do my other siblings. We are all just so fed up with the never ending saga.

Thx for listening~~
Sparkle
 
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sparkle:
I told my parents just lately via a letter…

Matter of fact, I don’t feel like talking to them at all for weeks quite frankly, and neither do my other siblings. We are all just so fed up with the never ending saga.
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You might consider that contacting them to tell them your “asessment” of the situation only perpetuates it.
 
dizzy girl:
You might consider that contacting them to tell them your “asessment” of the situation only perpetuates it.
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Perhaps --but sometimes a confrontation just might be necessary. It takes real discernment, prayer and wisdom from God to know the difference, I think.
 
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sparkle:
I told my parents just lately via a letter the fraudulent schemes my sibling is maneuvering this time, (that I positively found out about) and also that I feel he is “pulling the wool over their eyes”, and perhaps he has a serious problem. I also said I feel my parents have chosen not to face the reality of the situation, but rather have these high hopes for him because I feel they have some need to put him on a pedestal, and not see him clearly. You know often that “competition” thing among their siblings. He is the firstborn of us kids, and very gifted intellectually, although off his rocker. This is all I’m going to ever say about such to them again. All my other siblings agree with this assessment as well. I think they must have known all along how he is, how he lies, fabricates, etc., but the pain, (as some other poster mentioned) of losing a relationship with their son must override all this and their better judgment. I really feel I needed to tell them this in love. They phoned me, the day they got this letter, and I just haven’t wanted to talk to them yet, rather want to give them several days to ponder what I wrote. Matter of fact, I don’t feel like talking to them at all for weeks quite frankly, and neither do my other siblings. We are all just so fed up with the never ending saga.

Thx for listening~~
Sparkle
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Friends: Yes, I know this situation will probably never be any different, but nonetheless, it does upset me and my other siblings. Just found out, yet again, just last nite, that this brother has bombarded my folks again, without phoning, showing up on their doorstep yet again, for handouts. Mom calls me at midnight saying “your father is ready to have a heart attack” over it all. I really think they’re waiting to send my father into his grave, and then cash in on their home and fortune. Yes, I am upset about this. And for due reason. Man, one sister and I did not sleep all nite after this news. I am just so disturbed over it all, and don’t know what to do, at this point. Just need to vent I suppose. I see my dear parents in the midst of this “co-dependent” relationship and yet they choose no out, or cannot say NO, to this lying, scheming, dishonest brother and son of theirs. Matter of fact, they are planning events here for the next couple weeks, and counting on us all to attend, this, that, etc. It is very hard for me and my other brothers and sisters to know what to do. I am the second oldest after him, always the stable one, etc., therefore I am the one everyone has called, my phone has not stopped ringing all weekend. Please help me friends. I’m afraid yes, my dear parents are in the midst of a co-dependent relationship, here, one very sick indeed. Many know my story. I so appreciate all advice offered.

Luv,
Sparkle
 
It has become apparent that your entire family THRIVES on drama and turmoil. I would find it exhausting and annoying, but it seems you can’t get enough of it. I guess it provides an interesting and consuming distraction from pulling weeds in your own back yard.
 
Island Oak:
It has become apparent that your entire family THRIVES on drama and turmoil. I would find it exhausting and annoying, but it seems you can’t get enough of it. I guess it provides an interesting and consuming distraction from pulling weeds in your own back yard.
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Hello IO. God Bless You Today. Thank you for offering your (name removed by moderator)ut here, you are entitled to your opinion of course, as we all are on here, on the mysterious “web” forums, where we don’t know anybody and they don’t know us, but IO, I must inquire? do you have any Godly and constructive advice? You can see here I am in need for some advice, all the same. Why do you have the need to criticize and comment in such an uncharitable manner? If you do not have any to offer, why do you even bother to answer this post? To get your 2 cents in I suppose.

God Bless You~~
Sparkle
 
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sparkle:
Thank you for offering your (name removed by moderator)ut here, you are entitled to your opinion of course, but IO, I must inquire? do you have any Godly and constructive advice? If not, why do you even bother to answer the post? To get your 2 cents in I suppose.

God Bless You~~
Sparkle
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I have offered reams of it in previous posts, all still on file for your consideration–not that it seems it has had any impact.
 
Island Oak:
I have offered reams of it in previous posts, all still on file for your consideration–not that it seems it has had any impact.
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Thank you IO for your (name removed by moderator)ut and your reply.🙂 I do realize however, that unless we all have walked “a mile in someone else’s shoes”, we really don’t know fully their situation and it is hard to give concrete and useful advice. Thank you though all the same.
God Bless~~
 
Sometimes life is dramatic whether we choose it or not, because life is multi-dimensional and very demanding plus we can’t control most of the people we live with or love (or hate). The situation Sparkle finds herself in is not due to her wishes or motives, but those of people around her. Don’t blame her for trying to make sense of her world or for trying to help her troubled parents. These are natural responses to the chaos her brother creates, that is, her desire to bring order and truth to a very sad and confusing situation. She is doing the best she can.
 
Sparkle,

There are countless threads and posts full of advice for you, all of which say basically the same thing: stay out of it, keep away from toxic people.

Your brother receives handouts from your parents. You and your husband receive handouts from your inlaws. Everyone involved chooses these situations. If you don’t like it, learn how to say no, hang up the phone, block emails, return free money to sender, close the door or don’t answer it in the first place. If you choose not to do those things, then you choose to be involved and the cycle continues.

Since you like step by step concrete instructions, I will include some for this situation.

Given that your siblings are calling off the hook regarding this situation, don’t answer the phone when their numbers come up on caller ID. If you answer accidentally, tell them you don’t feel it’s healthy to engage in conversation about this subject matter and end the phone call.

When your mother calls and begins speaking about the situation, politely tell her you don’t want to be involved with your brother’s latest drama and nor do you want to hear about it. If she calls back, repeat the same sentence.

If you start feeling confused about what “charity” is, remind yourself that you don’t need to send your brother another $200 check and that you are instead STAYING OUT OF IT.

When your mother lets you know the “events” she’s planning in the next two weeks, politely decline. If she inquires why, tell her that you feel the drama surrounding your brother is too intense for the time being and you do not want to be involved. Since it will surely be discussed, you feel it best not to attend.
 
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Cupofkindness:
Sometimes life is dramatic whether we choose it or not, because life is multi-dimensional and very demanding plus we can’t control most of the people we live with or love (or hate). The situation Sparkle finds herself in is not due to her wishes or motives, but those of people around her. Don’t blame her for trying to make sense of her world or for trying to help her troubled parents. These are natural responses to the chaos her brother creates, that is, her desire to bring order and truth to a very sad and confusing situation. She is doing the best she can.
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:amen:

Let’s give sparkle credit for caring and trying. Turning a cold shoulder and walking away from family members, as advised by many, is not necessarily a caring, Christian response. Perhaps that is why sparkle does not embrace this advice–no matter how many times certain people advise her to do so.
 
My prayer is that you can get to a support group and perhaps receive some peace and relief. After some time, you will have some tools with which to deal with your problems.

So often we end up being caretakers when we would do better to simply care about. There is one thing you can put money on and that is, if you keep on doing what you have always been doing, you will keep on getting what you have always been getting. To continue to do the same things and expect different results will only result in pain and disappointment for you.

How often have you heard that old poem, Broken Toys? It has given me more than a little relief when I find myself continuing to try to facilitate a little self-improvement for someone else:

godslittleacre.net/spiritualgrowth/broken_toys.html

It’s so much easier to see the mote in our brother’s eye and ignore the log in our own…

Peace and blessings.
 
Let’s give sparkle credit for caring and trying. Turning a cold shoulder and walking away from family members, as advised by many, is not necessarily a caring, Christian response. Perhaps that is why sparkle does not embrace this advice–no matter how many times certain people advise her to do so.
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Hey thx LaChiara and cupokindness!!🙂 Yes, it is true my parents have called me every time this occurs, I just know they must need to let me know about the latest and “vent”. We’ve always been a very close family. As they do not heed my advice, now my other siblings and I just say “uh huh”…“uh huh”…and that’s it, then change the subject. We don’t want to get involved any more with the whole deal, but our folks are old now, and frail, 🙂 and if they need to talk, that’s OK.

God Bless~~
 
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