How Catholic teaching has ruined my dating life.

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montanaman:
Back in the bad old days, (about a year ago), it was very simple: I would meet a girl through a friend, or perhaps at some politcal function, or if I really wanted to break the rules, at work. Once in a while I’d get bored and curious and sign on to some Internet singles site. A pretty predictable course of events would follow: Most girls would move too fast even for me, or they would drop some deal-breaker on the first date like, “I’m against abortion, but I don’t think it’s my place to say it’s wrong,” or just as bad, “I think Michael Moore has a lot of good things to say.” But once in a while, I’d meet a girl I could see myself spending time with.

Well, obviously that has never worked well. I’m single, (though I’m loving it for a change), but now as I consider taking a dip in the dating pool again, I have several self-or-Jesus-imposed rules I that drain that pool considerably. Generally speaking, if she wants to grope, I lose interest, (ideologically speaking, of course. It’s not to say that a certain animal part of me isn’t on board with that thought…). If she departs radically from Catholic-inspired beliefs, she’s out. She doesn’t have to BE Catholic, but it helps. However, if she suggests at some point during the relationship that “after our third child you can get snipped,” I’m gone. (It’s happened before–and she taught CCD).

So, by my calculations, that means there might be three or four girls in the world that make the final cut. (I hope they’re in America). Now, do you see how this drastically effects my dating life? Anyone else run into this? Any other guys rearranging their socks on nights when they used to be out partying?

MM

Disclaimer: The above sentiments do not reflect a desire to leave the Church, disaffection with Church doctrine, or anything less than joy at the late realization of what true freedom is…
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Yes, and as a faithful Catholic female I can say it’s a universal problem for those of us who actually believe and practice ALL of the faith…

I suggest you consider www.avemariasingles.com. It is not your typical “singles” website. The people on this site are SERIOUS Catholics-- with a few exceptions-- and you know their views up front. I met my current significant other (not yet a finace and “boyfriend” sounds too high school) on Ave. The challenge-- we live 1000 miles apart. The committment is there though and we see each other once a month and talk on the phone every night. We started out emailing, which was great… then phone calls… then finally met 4 months into it. We’ve now been dating for a year and have been discerning marriage the last two months. The phone/email was a great way to get to know someone.

It’s not easy, but it’s worth it!!! For those who do not feel compromise is possible, this is really the way to go. Meeting people in the parish was not an option for me, as they would be “cafeteria” variety men and I would have to give them the heave-ho.
 
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montanaman:
I recently signed up with CatholicSingles. It’s not great, I think. Of course, I only signed up with the cheap membership–i.e. “free.” So far, I’ve had a couple of hits, but they never write back, and I’m not sure if they can without a “real” membership. And I’m not sure if I want to do that. Call me a snob–I still prefer the real-life method.

Oh, for anyone else in this situation, Theology on Tap is pretty good. Guiness, girls (or guys), and God. It doesn’t get much better than that. 😉 👍
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CatholicSingles seems to me to be “catholic lite”. I’d suggest www.avemariasingles.com for serious Catholics. It’s a whole different ball of wax.
 
When my fiance and i met, i had drifted from the faith. I know his questioning of my beliefs and views on the world helped me to really look at what i used to believe, and made me realize the inconsistencies i used to justify these beliefs. I can definitely relate to how u feel when u hear a woman u are interested in talks about her non-Catholic views, but who knows. Maybe by questioning these people that you meet, you can get the gears turning in their heads about why they believe what they believe.
All I know is, if my fiance had just stood up and walked away when i told him things like i was ok with guys going to see strippers, etc, we certainly wouldn’t be getting married next summer. And i can’t imagine anyone more perfect for me!
 
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montanaman:
What? You’re telling me there are available girls out there who stand up for Church teaching? Where?
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Sure there are. My 18 yr old dd is one of them. Find a good young adults group or a Theology on Tap gathering. —KCT
 
All I know is, if my fiance had just stood up and walked away when i told him things like i was ok with guys going to see strippers, etc, we certainly wouldn’t be getting married next summer. And i can’t imagine anyone more perfect for me!
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I didn’t walk away, (though I took a few breaks), when my last girlfriend told me she:
  • She thought Catholics and Catholicism were wierd, if not twisted.
  • That she was personally opposed to abortion, but she might drive a friend to the clinic.
  • She couldn’t really believe in the Christian God, though Zeus and other characters from Greek mythology might have some credibility.
  • She reduced all my beliefs to “the way I was raised,” or an “emotional need.”`
  • On a break, she slept with two guys, and
  • Later, she needed one of them to model for a business photoshoot. She’s singing backup vocals in the studio of the other.
Finally, though, we ended it. Conclusion: I need much, much higher standards. The Church has been providing them all along–thank God I’m finally listening.
 
My recommendation, get involved with church organizations. Don’t hang around waiting for someone to show up. Think about what your values are put some works behind them. Catholicism seems to be important to you, so become an active part of ministries in your parish. The more involved you are the more people you will meet.

You said that being a Catholic is not a requirement, but that the person must have the right values. I partially disagree. You need to have fundamentally the same values, but I would not hold it against someone for not understanding church teaching. Unfortunately, our local churches have not been sending out a consistent message. It sounds like you have a grasp on your faith, and you should not be afraid to share it with someone maybe not as far along their faith journey as you are. In any case, I would personally be more afraid of a non-Catholic. It would be hard to reconcile an argument with someone who sees no authority in the Catholic Church, than an poorly educated Catholic who simply needs a little teaching. Maybe you should help with RCIA?

Just put your faith into action, and things will take care of themselves.
 
You said that being a Catholic is not a requirement, but that the person must have the right values. I partially disagree. You need to have fundamentally the same values, but I would not hold it against someone for not understanding church teaching. Unfortunately, our local churches have not been sending out a consistent message. It sounds like you have a grasp on your faith, and you should not be afraid to share it with someone maybe not as far along their faith journey as you are. In any case, I would personally be more afraid of a non-Catholic. It would be hard to reconcile an argument with someone who sees no authority in the Catholic Church, than an poorly educated Catholic who simply needs a little teaching. Maybe you should help with RCIA?
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Just put your faith into action, and things will take care of themselves.
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Thank you all, for the great, encouraging responses. You should know, however, that I consider things to be pretty good in the romance department. It’s my stalling “career” that needs prayers, if anything.

My intention with this thread was to write something humorous about the state of Catholic dating in America. I think I was going to tell a funny story. Whatever I intended, I feel like a dork for making it sound like a pleading thread.

But, to answer your question, KofC, (or to respond), I’m going to partially disagree with your partial disagreement. There are a LOT of women out there who choose to be blow-up dolls for morally atrophied guys. Even many girls who still call themselves Catholic or Christian. That’s why I say that if a date-worthy girl comes along who’s some kind of Protestant, I’m going to give her a second, or third, thought. I just got out of a relationship with a girl for whom I had to not only explain Catholic beliefs, but I had to give her context and definitions just so we could use the same sort of language. Having just spent the last month in an innocently intense e-mail exchange with a knock-out Protestant girl on the road for work, I can tell you, it is REFRESHING. She might think we’re papists, but I welcome the relative ease of conversing with a girl who has Christ as her starting point.

As for the RCIA, I’ve been thinking about something like that. I’ve been eating this stuff up for over a decade now, so it’s possible I might have something to contribute. Possibly even better–how about an apologetics group for high school, college, and post-college folks? Has anyone thought of doing this?

Anyway, thanks, all. This place has brought me back and set me back on fire.
 
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Jessica:
P.S. I’d be really impressed if a guy invited me to pray a rosary with him- just me, him, and the Blessed Mother!
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I always found this so beutiful. I remember how “lucky” I thought a guy frind of mine was, when I saw him and his very decent a good catholic girlfrind praying the Rosary TOGETHER, just them two. I remember thinking to myself how GREAT it would be if I had the same luck of finding a woman who is a great catholic and was willing to pray the rosary with me. However I am still looking here in New York City. The ones I have had in the past(relationships, have been with those who could care less about the catholic faith).
I believe this is an excellent thread with which many us guys cfan identify with.😉
 
I actually did ask a girl to pray a rosary with me once. But I was too immature and too dense to realize she liked me, I got weird, and we never talked again. I’ve spent the last ten years slapping my forehead over that one.

Oh, and that “rosary date” was in the Portiuncula near the Tomb of the Unborn Child on the Franciscan U. of Steubenville campus. I’ll be there’s a few people here who got sore knees on the flagstones of THAT little Catholic hangout. 👍
 
I know exactly how you feel…although I am a girl 🙂
I have run into similar problems with the dating scene. I also have tried internet dating on so called “catholic sites” only to find that most if not all of the people on them either do not accept all the church’s teachings or at the first sign of temptation will…let’s just say “jump ship”. It is tough in this day and age to find people who think the right way (God’s way) about morals, marraige and family etc.
One time I actually had a man e-mail me on a dating site and say that based on my description of what I was seeking that the guy was either a priest or consecrated brother or doesn’t exist at all, and maybe I should consider a religious vocation instead. I was a little offended because all I really want is someone who loves God and tries his best to live his life that way. Plus I have gone down the vocation road and as of right now do not feel called. Single life can be very frustrating and there is usually a lot of pressure from friends, family etc about why it is exactly that you are single. Being single is not a defect or a problem it is simply God’s will for you right now. Try not to get too discouraged. You are not alone! Pray to St. Raphael. God Bless! 👍
 
montanaman and kyrie,
Same problem here! Maybe we should start a support group…heh heh…
It is not easy to find a good woman (mate), and oddly enough, the older you get, the more likely it is that they have already been too “intimate” with someone…
At one point I would ask God all the time for a perfect woman but I have chilled out on that one after realizing that all that worrying is not going to make a wife fall out of the sky, and God will provide somehow. Besides, I think single life is a vocation too, even if you are not in religious life…you can still give yourself completely to Our Lord.
I was thinking it would be nice to write a letter to Jesus and our Blessed Mother on what you are trying to find in life, fears hopes…etc…for some reason it is nice to get things on paper and then you can get rid of the letter (burn it) and just know that it is all in Our Lords hands.
 
Man, oh man… When it rains, it pours. Sorry guys, I’ve got good news to report for a change.

Short version: I have this protestant co-worker friend with whom I’ve had a long, on-going e-mail relationship with. Just friends–we laugh at the absurdities of our jobs. The occasional walk, yadda yadda. She got back from a long work trip in Texas, and (sorry if you’ve heard this before, by the way), and we had what could only be called a loooong date. Coffee, taught her to play pool, (she turned out to be a shark), then dinner on the Potomac while watching sailboats and sunsets.

Then, just as the humidity is starting to cause me to sweat through my shirt, she says, “Hey, you think the National Shrine is open this late?” I say, “Well, heck, let’s find out!” So, we go. It was closed, but we walked around it and talked God for a while. Then I ask if she’s ever seen the Franciscan monastery. She says “no,” so we go.

The monastery has a long walkway around gardens with scenes from the rosary all along it. She was amazed by the mosaics, the “Hail Mary” in dozens of languages, etc. Fireflies are streaking through the roses, the moon is coming out, the sky is clearing off, leaving everything warm and dewey. We have perfect silence with each other and it’s just dandy.

So, we drive back to work, (where she’d left her car), and she says, “So, are you going to say it, or am do I have to?” I laugh because I was feeling it too. I told her the truth–she amazed me. She said the same. (There’s actually a lot more to this–we’ve known each other for two years). Then, well, modesty prohibits me from going on. But I can say nothing happened I should confess. (And I have an overactive conscience.) Suffice it to say…wow. Good, clean kissing. Can’t beat it.

I get home, check my inbox, and I’ve got half a dozen messages from CatholicMingle.com. I’m not going to pursue any of those, (besides, they’re nowhere NEAR me), but still, it’s a good feeling.

Lol. I’m sure I’ll be posting questions she brings up about Catholic theology in the near future, but for now, wow. We both don’t need it, we’re both extremely cautious, and we both know where the lines are. (She laughed when I told her how Catholic teaching has ruined my dating life–and she understood exactly what I meant!) Even if it isn’t meant to be, this kind of thing gives me hope.

Alright, sorry for the long post. I’m just in a good mood. 👍
 
I’m in too 🙂
All of us singles could use a little support from time to time so we don’t get too frustrated. The sinlge life is a vocation that some are called to…and it’s not a bad thing. I mean in today’s world it is looked at as bad- ie “what is wrong with so and so they never got married, or never date” etc. But God has a plan and I personally think that single people can have a wonderful opportunity to spread the faith becuase they can devote all of their energy. Don’t get me wrong married people are very capable as well but singles (most of us anyway) have more time on our hands. 😃
 
Montanaman, if you are serious about a woman - as in, you want to find THE ONE TO MARRY rather then THE ONE TO MAKE OUT WITH, I suggest Ave Maria Singles On-line. They have a bazillion of the very kind of Catholic women you describe! (and men too, ladies.)

Ave Maria Catholic Singles On-line does not allow non-Orthodox Catholics to apply. Also, you have to pay the one time fee in order to even get a look at who’s in there: it’s a serious place and not made for casual perusal. So their privacy is protected from oooglers.

You don’t have to like go get married in a few weeks! You start off as friends and correspondants with whomever God puts in your path and you let the Holy Spirit be your guide. I highly recommend this service (founded by a Catholic that was sick and tired of the same kinds of women you described for fellow Catholics sick and tired of the relentless pitfalls of trying to find a serious Catholic date!).

avemariasingles.com/
 
Michelle Therese,

Thanks for the suggestion. I started this thread originally as a tongue-in-cheek look at how Catholics, or anyone serious about finding “the one,” are severely hamstrung, in a way. At the very least, our beliefs complicate things a bit…

Anyway, I think someone else suggested ave maria singles. I checked it out, but it looks like you need to fork over $100 just to start. I quickly determined I’m not THAT serious.

Someone else suggested Catholicmingle.com, and that is by far the best one. But, just as I was starting to get some solicitations, I met a “real life” girl who is curiously amazing. On paper, she’s almost everything I’d want on my checklist. Except for the Catholic part, that is. She did, however, say the most attractive thing about me is my spirituality. (Is that a Protestant way of saying you’re ugly?) So, this girl might be worth spending some time with. We’ll see.

The Catholic Courtship Experiment continues…
 
I origionally wrote this to montanaman but from the sounds of it, there is a great need for a SINGLES program. I’d like to introduct to ALL OF YOU, the CFC-Singles for Christ.

IT IS NOT a dating service. It costs nothing to join, except you time. It is a ministry that helps build Spiritually Strong Catholic-Christian men and women. Though lately, I have attended more weddings of SFC members marring SFC members. (it’s a bonus not a requirement).

Just here in Chicago, we have over 125 Singles who meet in small groups on a weekly basis (women meet with women and men meet with men). Once a month, all the small groups meet in an assembly to continue to strengthen each other.

If you would like more information, please let me know.

God Bless,

Davis Gray
CFC-Singles Coordinator
Chicago Chapter
North Central US Area Leader
 
dhgray…I have never heard of SFC it sounds cool. I actually live near Chicago so I think it is cool that there a quite a few people involved from the area.
montanaman…that is cool that you have met someone amazing like you say. Good for you 👍
Be cautious of the protestant thing…it can get very complicated (speaking from experience) If you ever do decide to join an online dating service, try catholic match or ave maria…not catholic mingle (no offense to anyone who likes it). I went through a phase of being into those sites and joined all 3! I’m embarassed to admit that. But I found that Ave Maria was the most serious, catholic match was in the middle and catholic mingle was kind of a joke. The fee for Ave is $100 I think but your membership never expires. Catholic match was like 50 or so for a year I think. Anyway, I don’t know if that helps anyone. 😛
 
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