How do I console my friend who just got married and it’s like super obvious he regrets it?

  • Thread starter Thread starter Le_Crouton
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There are lots of us. It usually involves lots of preparation and discernment, a thorough analysis of what was most vital in a spouse, discussing critical issues ahead of time, lots of prayer and a desire to work HARRRRRD even when the bloom is off the rose. That last part is just as critical as any of the other things.
 
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Just seems like it’s better to not be married. Most relationships aren’t as you describe
 
It is better to be whatever God is calling you to be. Lots of messed up single folks too. That is irrelevant as far as what you are called to.
 
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I don’t know if I agree with that. Most marriages may not be perfect, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t happy. And even when they aren’t happy, I still think most would remain married given the choice.

I don’t know what kind of marriages you have seen, Le_Crouton, or what examples you have seen modeled. Some people would use what they see to make sure they don’t repeat the bad in their own marriages.

It sounds a little like you are throwing your own hands up before you have even begun.
Have you had bad dating experiences?
 
Sounds to me like he’s reading too much of the manosphere type stuff and needs to get his head out of that and concentrate on loving and helping his wife instead of worrying about her being subservient to him.
 
I know I just read it, and I’m not looking to make you feel bad about yourself, but should your friend, who’s having troubles in his marriage, be seeking advice from you, who haven’t even had a good dating relationship? Really, all you can do for him is advise he and his wife get counseling. And, if you do get into a dating relationship, don’t ask this guy for advice!
 
Legend said:
should your friend, who’s having troubles in his marriage, be seeking advice from you, who haven’t even had a good dating relationship? Really, all you can do for him is advise he and his wife get counseling. And, if you do get into a dating relationship, don’t ask this guy for advice!
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Yeah, this whole thing sounds messed up six different ways.
OP, tell your friend he needs to speak to his priest and/or seek out counseling on his own, and that he needs to stop bugging you about this stuff.

I would also suggest that maybe you cut this guy loose and go find some healthy friendships with people who are good models for how to go about a relationship. The people we pick for friends have an influence on our own thinking and behavior. I would no more hang around a guy like this than I would hang around a racist bigot.
 
While you can have compassion for him and especially his wife. You might want to consider how your own opinion on the subject reflects on your friend and your choice of friends.
 
“Friend, these things need to be discussed with your wife, your priest and or your counselor. I am not any of these things. How about the game last night?”
 
Wow, I’d have never gotten married if that was the process.

I met someone who became my good friend. After a couple of years, romantic feelings developed.

With a year of that time, we were married.

It has been almost 29 years. Yep, there have been ups and downs, the best thing is we each have our best friend during the down times.
 
See, people can’t even offer helpful advice on this website without being contradicted…

I’ll type usually in caps for you next time.
 
“That sucks that you’re having problems, man. I hope you and Sue can get some counselling and work it out. How’s your new job going?”

Seriously, there is nothing good that is going to come of commiserating with this guy. He needs to work on this with his spouse. Talking to you isn’t going to help, since you don’t have experience or training in the matter. As other posters have notices, he seems to have some really unhealthy ideas about martial relationships and women in general and for your own sake, it’s probably best not to discuss those things with him, lest in influence you in unhealthy ways.
 
Dr_Meinheimer said:
a desire to work HARRRRRD even when the bloom is off the rose. That last part is just as critical as any of the other things.
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Marriage is not hard work for everyone. I basically married my best friend and we had a pretty good and easy time of it for 23 years. Life sometimes was hard with its ups and downs and I am sure it could have gotten a lot harder if, for example, one of us became seriously ill or disabled as I saw my mom go through that with my dad when he got very sick and disabled. But God chose to not give us that cross.

I don’t think there is any statement one can make about marriage that’s a “one size fits all”. I agree with TLL that if I’d had to prepare and discern and work harrrrrd and all that, I wouldn’t have gotten married. My mother probably wouldn’t have gotten married to my dad either if she had to prepare and discern. She just knew he was The One and he knew the same about her and they were married within a year of meeting and never looked back. They were in their mid-30s at the time so it probably helped their judgment, yet mom had turned down several other guys before, so…God makes some marriages in heaven I reckon, and that’s just how it is.
 
Yeah, mine hasn’t reached the harrrrrrrd state either. Life can be hard, but in general, marriage makes it easier.
 
Pretty sure it’ll be hard for me. I was abused as a kid and idk how to love
 
That does sound difficult. Given that information, I would simply explain that to your friend. “Sorry, man. I’d love to help you but I’m not the one to ask. I was abused as a kid and “idk” how to love.”

Meanwhile, it might be a good idea to seek out friendships with more positive examples of family life. Probably also see a counselor.
 
Le_Crouton said:
Pretty sure it’ll be hard for me. I was abused as a kid and idk how to love
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This is why it is inappropriate for you to try to advise or console a married man with these issues. But you may need some consoling and advice from some positive loving friends.
 
I’d say turning down other guys is one of the cornerstones of discernment, but to each his own. The alternative is to wing it, which it if works, good on ya.

And by hard work, I simply means scripturally by definition, it involves self-sacrifice (which if it wasn’t difficult in some way, it wouldn’t be a sacrifice) and of course, the work involved for us with soon to be 5 kids 8 and under. Wouldn’t change a thing, but to pretend it isn’t hard work and effort would be lying to myself. Well worth the effort, of course.

And I would also so I am simply trying to encourage a guy who claims he doesnt see any strong marriages. I dont know anyone who claims there hasn’t been hard times over 40 or so years of marriage; I know right now, in the midst of us having children and owning my own business, homeschooling the kids while the wife is pregnant, it can be an challenging balance. Statistics bear this out. If it was not a challenge at times, the divorce rate would be near zero, and the implication would be selfishness, which we each possess to a degree, did not exist. Plus, most Priests, counselors, and reputable authors would likely agree. As would the posts I’ve read from of these same posters on the parenting board over the years. Infertility, surprise babies, sick children, ailing spouses, issues within-laws, pornography abuse, drinking issues, and on and on.

But maybe my marriage is just tougher than most, but somehow I doubt it. Luckily, I have a great wife and our shared Catholic faith 🙂
 
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