How do I explain same sex marriage to my seven year old?

[goout]

One of the problems with not addressing these issues directly (yet appropriately to the child’s state in life)
is that the world will run roughshod over your child if he/she is not prepared to have good common sense, AND, be able to articulate it. These issues are not meant to be tolerant of the complacent, they are meant to run them over.

These issues like gender fluidity and marriage sameness are not really about the superficial sexual issues, there are about deception and the erosion of reason, and the establishment of complacent indifference. They are about changing the way people think, and eroding objective truth so that “anything may go”. Because if anything is permissible, anything can and will be done to people.

Anyone who thinks the serpent’s speech in The Garden is about the apple, or about sex, has missed the point badly. It’s about eroding confidence in God, calling God into question and accusing him, relativizing the moral order to the whims of people. Causing chaos and disorder.

The agendas that actively promote marriage sameness, and gender fluidity, and absolute personal autonomy will not stop there. Take a look: we are the brink of infanticide.
It won’t stop there, and smoothing it all over for our kids will not help.

 

[Allegra]

And if a person’s teeth fall out, they still have a mouth. If they get throat cancer and have their tongue removed, they still have a mouth. If they are born with a cleft pallet, they still have a mouth. Their mouth may not be ideal, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have one.

 

[PetraG]

My parenting philosophy has long been that if they’re ready to ask a question, then they’re ready to get an honest answer.

Every family is different.

Keep it honest.
Keep it simple.
Keep it kind.

Yes. You can never cover every aspect of a question in one answer, but the answer should always be true. At seven, any answer also needs to be one that can be run through the blender of a 7-year-old mind and repeated in any company at any time. That argues heavily in favor of “Keep it Simple.” Let us hope we always keep it kind, but in this case special care needs to be taken lest the child interpret a negative verdict on the living arrangement with a negative verdict on the persons and their intentions. I would stay out of that as far as possible, because “Keep It Simple” becomes impossible.

I would just say that there are two men both living in the house and the boy considers them both to be his dad. Biologically, people have exactly one mother and one father; that never changes. Sometimes, though, people adopt or else the dad has another man living with him that helps him take care of his son and he has his son also call the other man his dad, too.

That’s it. I would not get into whether or not the two men have a sexual relationship or not. It isn’t wrong to say that it is very common for parents who don’t have siblings to have their children call particularly close friends of the parents “Aunt This” or “Uncle That”–which is to say, not everyone that someone calls Aunt or Uncle has ever really been their aunt or uncle, but people do get called that by children because the parents of the children want them to regard them with that kind of closeness. Parents decide how their children address other people, and it isn’t wise to try to interfere with that.

 

[pnewton]

Was he also a dentist?

 

[PetraG]

Someone obviously hasn’t read much Aristotle.

We need to remember that fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

Setting up a 7 year old to make pronouncements about the living situations of his classmates that will land him in a world of trouble he is not equipped to handle is not a kind thing to do. If he knows that at least one and perhaps both of the “dads” in such an arrangement have the title in an honorary fashion, either because of having adopted the child legally or because those directly involved have the right in our society to give that title without consulting anybody else, that’s sufficient. As for the sexual relationship, the less 7 year olds imagine who is the sexual partner of whom, the better. They are not equipped to dwell on such things even when the relationship is proper!

My sons had a classmate who called two women “mom” and did not call his biological father “dad” (who was the brother of the biological mother, heaven help us). They did not grow up to consider the arrangement as just a variation of an ideal in accordance with the divine plan for the family. They did grow up to understand that there are people who do it, anyway.

 

[PetraG]

I never once suggested the 7 year old should be making a point to dictate these things to their classmate.

I’m a firm believer in leaving people alone that aren’t causing trouble, but in telling the truth when asked a question so as to provide proper instruction.

The child should be told that a family consists of a mother, father, and children and that same sex couples are inherently opposed to the order put forth by God in his creation. The child should also be told it’s not his job to lecture others.

Here is the thing about 7 year olds: What their parents tell them becomes their de facto family gospel to spread to the world. Whatever you tell them, you can expect them to repeat boldly and defend fiercely.

Instruction that requires discretion is better left for an age when the child is more capable of discretion.

 

[esieffe]

We should afford our kids, every bit of innocence we can, especially given how different the world is from when we were kids. It will be tough enough when they reach the age of reason.

This is a discussion for another day, I don’t care what anyone says. No one will be scarred because you deflected. “That sounds a bit silly or strange doesn’t it?” Leave it at that, unless it keeps coming up.

 

[PetraG]

Tell him the truth, They’re sick and need adjustment

This is what you want your 7 year old telling the entire school about his classmate who is in this kind of home arrangement? I can appreciate the desire for honestly, but what good and kind end do we suppose is going to be served by explaining it that way to someone when they are too young to appreciate what is meant by that? I mean that if you tell a 7 year old that people in this situation are sick and need adjustment, they will usually conclude that there is a health professional somewhere who will make that diagnosis and can provide that adjustment, that there is somewhere that such a person can be sent away to for “adjustment.” That’s not what you meant, but that is what will many times be heard by a first-grader. They can be extremely literal.

When someone has been mislead about what is right and what is wrong, say that. That is usually the situation, and does not imply that the people have an issue that can be helped by a psychiatrist.

 

[PetraG]

I don’t disagree. I still don’t agree with telling the kid that something is normal and acceptable when it’s not.

I’d stick with what it is and refrain from saying whether it is acceptable or not unless asked directly.
Even then, explaining anything to a child requires a great deal of forethought. You have to consider how this is going to be repeated after it is run through a 7 year old mind. Few things are less predictable, so “keep it simple” is very good advice. The less said without ducking the question entirely, the better.
I would stay off the topic of sexuality entirely. They are not ready to wrap their heads around that.

 

[PetraG]

Well put. I agree with that.

I’m a new parent to a 2 week old, so I won’t pretend to know exactly how things work with raising children. Things are a lot different than when I was a kid. I didn’t know what gay was until I was in late middle school.

These are my “phases of childhood”:

1. The Suicide Watch. This is between birth and the age of three, when you will find yourself automatically scanning every environment for things your child could inadvertently choke on, strangle on, fall from, pull down on themselves, etc.
2. Living Under Surveillance. This overlaps somewhat with the Suicide Watch. It is the age at which your child understands what you say well enough to repeat back whatever you say almost (but maybe not quite) exactly as you said it, and often at the worst possible time and volume. If you have ever used foul language, start learning now to substitute at all times verbal reactions such as “You #@%$! Learn how to drive!” with “Ooo…that man was NOT SAFE!! That makes me so angry!!” Learn to taste your words before speaking! You will thank yourself later, trust me.
3. Who Are You, and What Have You Done with My Sweet Child? This is the age starting at about age 11 or so when your child is going to begin their transition to being your adult child. You really need to look at it that way. Don’t fight it. Say, “OK, you’re becoming an adult, but adults still have people in authority over them, and this is how you make your views known to a fellow adult when you’re not equals in authority.” I told my sons that they would not become men by just getting to be a certain age and they wouldn’t learn it in a day. I told them if they started to practice acting like men when they were ten, they’d have the hang of it by the time they actually were men. I cannot tell you how famously they got along with their coaches and teachers. They really did grow up to be fine men, and we had essentially no “teen rebellion” problems with them.

 

[PetraG]

No. You’re not according to the strict definition. Or the traditional definition. Or the definition of the Church. Yeah sure, according to the modern, loose definition of family, you are. My mom was a single parent with me and I don’t think she’d have regarded her and me as a family.

You’re not saying that a widow and her orphaned child aren’t a family any more?
No, I’d say that three orphans left raising each other are still a family. A hurting family, a family desperately missing a father or even both parents, but still a family, because the members still have duties to each other and a bond with each other that the absence of one or more of them cannot break.

 

[AdamP88]

Yeah, sure but in the context we’re speaking about I don’t think that’s relevant. All those were a family at some point, but they aren’t pretending to be whole, healthy, and the norm.

Gay marriage is doing exactly that. So are attempts to basically treat every “family” as normal and equal.

 

[PetraG]

Yeah, sure but in the context we’re speaking about I don’t think that’s relevant. All those were a family at some point, but they aren’t pretending to be whole, healthy, and the norm.

I’ve heard a psychologist say the definition of a dysfunctional family this way:
A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.
Excepting the Holy Family, there is definitely truth in that one. Sin renders relationships dysfunctional to some degree, and every family has it.

Remember: We are talking about how to talk to a 7 year old, a person who is literal and who lacks discretion. Everything you say can and will be interpreted literally, extrapolated without comprehension of whether that is appropriate, and announced loudly to anyone who will listen. Prudence requires serious care about what is said and how it is said.

Keep it honest.
Keep it simple.
Keep it kind.

This is the best advice.

 

[AdamP88]

I’ve heard a psychologist say the definition of a dysfunctional family this way:
A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.
Excepting the Holy Family, there is definitely truth in that one. Sin renders relationships dysfunctional to some degree, and every family has it.

So all families are dysfunctional in some way therefore we shouldn’t promote the actual best type of family?

 

[AdamP88]

By the way, I’m coming at this from a perspective of having come from a single parent environment. I know my mom and stepdad did their best for me but I’m not trying to pretend that that’s the ideal situation or getting upset that statistically, kids do better if they are reared by their biological mom and dad.

Those are just facts.

 

[PetraG]

So all families are dysfunctional in some way therefore we shouldn’t promote the actual best type of family?

Do you mean we should tell our 7 year old to tell the world that there are “best” families and there are “non-families” and nothing in-between?

No, you didn’t mean that. Yes, a 7 year old will often think you did.

 

[TC3033]

This is the dictionary definition of “family”:

a group consisting of two parents and their children living together as a unit.

Which dictionary are you using? I looked up family in two different dictionaries (including Merriam-Webster) and in neither one was the term family exclusive to opposite sex partners.

I’m a single parent. Are me and my child therefore not a family?

I 100% believe that you are a family.

 

[whatistrue]

This is the dictionary definition of “family”:

a group consisting of two parents and their children living together as a unit.

That is one of many definitions, and leaves out myself and my children after my first wife died. It also leaves out single parents, adoptive parents, grandparents raising children whose birth parents are deceased, and many other groupings that have nothing to do with SSA or sin in general.

 

[GhostOfBBM]

You’re moving the goalposts. A family not being the platonic ideal of a family does not render it not a family. By that logic, there hasn’t been a family ever anywhere. We’re all flawed in some way.

 

[AdamP88]

Do you really think that life is that simple? That cut and dried?

I think this phrase is often used when people are trying to convince themselves of their moral rightness.

It, God forbid, you were widowed and raising your children alone would you not be a family?

No. We’d be an incomplete or broken family.

If you, God forbid, faced infertility and adopted children would you not be a family?

Well, my wife and I possibly are in that situation. Not quite sure how it’s gonna pan out yet. And no, we’d be a married couple. If we adopted then sure we’d be a family but I still wouldn’t pretend that that is the ideal situation either.