How do I get my son to stop hitting? He's turning 6

[bitterhope]

I’ll start with a disclaimer here: I believe spanking is alright on a limited basis for safety issues under about age 5. For a six year old prone to hitting, spanking makes no sense to me. I think you are right that your presence is fueling the fire. Not so much your presence but you lack of ability to remain calm and unemotional. He is feeding off of your frustrations and loves the results. He likes to see you scream and hit because then he can call you names. The cycle needs to be broken and as the grown up it is up to you to break that cycle. I would start by getting rid of the reward system because that is giving him reason to melt down as he loses points. It’s not doing it’s job at the moment. And I can’t see how you could afford to keep giving a car for each point–maybe redo the system where he must earn at least five points to get the reward. Personally I would get rid of rewards and go towards consequences at this point. Good behavior should not warrant a reward but bad behavior does warrant consequences. Rewards are a good short term incentive for learning new skills but tend to lead to spoiling if used for everyday expectations. Spoiled kids can be quite a handful and tend to continuously push for their way until they get what they want because that is what they have been trained to do. It’s all about them. If he were mine, I would go to a three strikes system where strike one is 6 minutes alone, strike two is early bedtime, strike three is the rest of the day (or if close to bed, the next day) in his room except for chores, school, bathroom and meals. You are able to distance yourself from the situation enough that your emotions remain in check and he has no attention for his bad behavior. It will retrain him that he cannot get what he wants by continuing to spiral out of control.

 

[Xantippe]

Yeah thats in the US,but here in Pakistan it isn’t neither in India or Israel.

I just checked and the OP is in Canada.

Canadian child welfare workers are even more likely to be suspicious of a spanking parent than American child welfare workers, so the OP would be putting herself in a dangerous position if she followed your advice.

 

[Kelfa28]

I agree with bitterhope on the reward system.

Good behavior shouldn’t warrant a reward. Bad behavior means a privilege is taken away.

I’ve only done reward for using the toilet and only for a short time just to associate the toilet with something positive. When she got the concept, which took only a couple of days, the rewards stopped and she gets a “good job” and a high five if she starts to celebrate herself.

 

[hesso12]

I just checked and the OP is in Canada.

Canadian child welfare workers are even more likely to be suspicious of a spanking parent than American child welfare workers, so the OP would be putting herself in a dangerous position if she followed your advice.

so your saying following the,advice given in Gods word is wrong?

 

[Casilda]

You need to seek a psychological evaluation of your son now…all you are doing now is empowering him with what he sees as your weakness to use stern discipline…of course he doesn’t take his aggression out at school because he knows he’d probably get a butt whuppin’…you mamby pambying him with a points system is playing you for a sucker…keep that up and by the time he’s a teenager you and your daughter will be the ones getting a butt whuppin’…sorry…not trying to sound cruel…I worked in a psychiatric hospital and saw the results of how ineffective a points system is…get him help now or regret it later…God bless

I agree in the observation that this is a power struggle between you and your son. Where is his father in this situation? Does dad support you in your points system? You can discipline without spanking, but BOTH parents have to be on the same page and not tolerate misbehaviors equally. If dad lets something slip by or has a hands off approach to discipline your children will see YOU as the problem, not their behavior. You need to show first and foremost that you LOVE your son, and what he does by hitting is HATE. He needs to show LOVE. When he is frustrated, ask him if he needs a HUG to get past it. Stop, pray, thank God, praise God for His Love. I wish you the best in raising your little ones.

 

[unstoppable_II]

I will not spank. I am looking for alternatives.
Thanks

The not spanking idea sounds like something out of Dr. Spock. I can remember only one time I had to spank one of my boys. Is the child’s father living with you?

 

[Xantippe]

The not spanking idea sounds like something out of Dr. Spock. I can remember only one time I had to spank one of my boys. Is the child’s father living with you?

Unfortunately, a lot of people aren’t as lucky as you.

If they start spanking, they’ll just keep spanking, and each time, they’ll spank harder. If this goes on long enough, eventually there’s (at the minimum) a lot of harm to the relationshp and (at worst) a tragedy.

My mom (bless her heart) was still hitting us into my teens when she was frustrated, and she eventually used wooden spoons and spatulas (and broke a couple), not to mention a horse quirt. (My parents had started with hand or a switch when we were littler.) It was not a good way to go and I’m afraid it seriously damaged her relationship with her older children for easily the next 15+ years. It also caused me to lose a lot of respect for her, because she was just so obviously out of control when she did that stuff when we were so big. (Of course, the respect issue isn’t yet an issue with a little kid.)

A child that will obey meekly after a spanking probably didn’t need the spanking. Whereas a tough kid will keep resisting, no matter how hard they’re hit. And that’s how tragedies happen–because parents have been told to keep hitting harder until it works.

 

[RCbkr]

I recommend a trip to the library for some John Rosemond books. The recommendations for problem solving in his newspaper columns are practical and apparently produce lasting results. Some would probably consider him a grouch, but he’s also very wise. He’s Protestant, not Catholic, but I think you could trust his advice. I believe you may be able to write to him for personal advice as well.

 

[unstoppable_II]

Unfortunately, a lot of people aren’t as lucky as you.

I don’t think luck has anything to do with it. The harder I worked, the luckier I got.

…A child that will obey meekly after a spanking probably didn’t need the spanking. Whereas a tough kid will keep resisting, no matter how hard they’re hit. …

This is Manichean [only two choices].

I think we need to find out if the father is present and if he wears the pants.

 

[bitterhope]

Unfortunately, a lot of people aren’t as lucky as you.

If they start spanking, they’ll just keep spanking, and each time, they’ll spank harder. If this goes on long enough, eventually there’s (at the minimum) a lot of harm to the relationshp and (at worst) a tragedy.

My mom (bless her heart) was still hitting us into my teens when she was frustrated, and she eventually used wooden spoons and spatulas (and broke a couple), not to mention a horse quirt. (My parents had started with hand or a switch when we were littler.) It was not a good way to go and I’m afraid it seriously damaged her relationship with her older children for easily the next 15+ years. It also caused me to lose a lot of respect for her, because she was just so obviously out of control when she did that stuff when we were so big. (Of course, the respect issue isn’t yet an issue with a little kid.)

A child that will obey meekly after a spanking probably didn’t need the spanking. Whereas a tough kid will keep resisting, no matter how hard they’re hit. And that’s how tragedies happen–because parents have been told to keep hitting harder until it works.

Yes. I can’t imagine hitting my older kids. Matter of fact, I don’t spank the younger ones unless it’s a safety issue that needs immediate attention. If a child only respects you because you are stronger than the kid really doesn’t respect you at all. To me, spanking should be reserved for toddlers running into streets, sticking things in outlets, or maybe the preschooler that has a death wish (such as no fear of jumping off high objects). Most behavior can be fixed through natural consequences or unemotional discipline. Of course if a child has developmental issues or other disabilities you probably need different tactics. But for “normal” everyday behavior problems and children that have no issues, reward systems tend to backfire while consequences that are doled out in a calm manner usually do the trick. The key is to be calm, unemotional, stern and consistent.

 

[mommy_k]

Thanks for your suggestion. I have chosen not to spank because the last 20 years of scientific research has already given the results of spanking.

I would appreciate it if this did not become a spanking debate. Can someone please help me if they have the time?

Thanks so much.

I use and have used time outs. They work if done consistantly. I have older kids and young ones too… When your child grows-the time outs change to taking away privileges and carries into teen years.

In your example, I would remove your six year old, pick him up and plop him on a chair in the kitchen and set the timer on the stove. If he gets up add more time.

Do this each time. If outside, bring everyone in. If at the store, I used to tell the child time out when we get home

Do not give negative attention to bad behavior either, just put him in chair.

When time out is over have him apologise.

 

[Xantippe]

I don’t think luck has anything to do with it. The harder I worked, the luckier I got.

This is Manichean [only two choices].

I think we need to find out if the father is present and if he wears the pants.

I think I got the idea from Greg Popcak and it was my experience in my family of origin that spanking was not a success for my parents. If it had been a success, they wouldn’t have had to keep hitting us into my teens.

I believe the OP is married. Bear in mind, though, that if she is the primary at-home parent, there will unavoidably be long stretches of time where she is at home alone with the two children. Also unfortunately, the after-school-before-dinner hours are prime time for outbreaks of bad behavior. And, as we all know, “Wait until your father comes home!” is sissy talk. Whatever consequence is going to happen needs to start immediately. (Although I think that when he is around, one-on-one time with each parent can be valuable.)

OP, come to think of it, there are some things to watch out for. With our autism spectrum daughter, when she was that age, it was predictable that she’d tantrum when she was hungry, thirsty, or needed the bathroom. Unfortunately, she didn’t have enough physical self-awareness to understand that she was hungry, thirsty, or needed the bathroom and that taking care of those needs would immediately make her feel better. She’d just start spiraling uncontrollably into a tantrum and violently refusing the stuff that would make her feel better. (We used to have to forcibly syringe water into her mouth to rehydrate her.) So, if I were you, I’d keep an eye on him, and see if there isn’t a relationship between his outbursts and being dehydrated, hungry, needing the bathroom, or a particular time of day.

Best wishes!

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

When my son is frustrated, he tries to get through it, but when he can’t, he hits me or hits his sister. He doesn’t have a problem hitting at school, but he hits me and his sister at home.

Every time I see him getting upset and he doesn’t use violence, he gets a point. If he hits me or his sister, he loses a point. He gets a small toy car for each point he earns each day. He loves this reward system.

He gets very angry with me if he loses a point. Most times, he hits me. I hold his hands and tell him to stop hitting me. I keep reading that time outs are ineffective and that I should stay with him, but it’s not working. He gets more aggressive and hits me harder. It seems like my attention to him is feeding the fire.

I eventually just lose my patience after about 30 minutes and I just lose it. I begin to punch my pillow and I scream into it. He laughs at me and says, “Poopie mommy.”

I’m feeling empty and drained. How do I effectively discipline him? Are time outs necessary during this time? I don’t want to be hit anymore…I can’t take it emotionally.

This is simply not working for us. He’s turning 6 in December.

Don’t have a grown up temper tantrum in front of your child.

It models the behavior you do not want. It is scary for a child to see mom lose control and scream and hit a pillow…

I actually think time outs work perfectly for this age. He hits you, a stern “No Hitting!” and put the child in a time out. Let him know that he needs the time to calm down. Do it calmly and matter of factly. When time out is over, have him tell you why he was given a time out, so you know he understands.

He then should apologize to whomever he hit.

But you need to remain calm.

Others have mentioned perhaps an evaluation. You’ve posted many times about his behavior. Even if nothing is wrong, maybe some parenting strategies on how to deal with your son.

 

[Serap]

I agree in the observation that this is a power struggle between you and your son. Where is his father in this situation? Does dad support you in your points system? You can discipline without spanking, but BOTH parents have to be on the same page and not tolerate misbehaviors equally. If dad lets something slip by or has a hands off approach to discipline your children will see YOU as the problem, not their behavior. You need to show first and foremost that you LOVE your son, and what he does by hitting is HATE. He needs to show LOVE. When he is frustrated, ask him if he needs a HUG to get past it. Stop, pray, thank God, praise God for His Love. I wish you the best in raising your little ones.

Yes, dad is in the picture and he’s more strict than me. If my son hit him, he’d have to go straight to his room.

DH is studying for PhD exams right now, so he has been very busy.

 

[Serap]

Don’t have a grown up temper tantrum in front of your child.

It models the behavior you do not want. It is scary for a child to see mom lose control and scream and hit a pillow…

I actually think time outs work perfectly for this age. He hits you, a stern “No Hitting!” and put the child in a time out. Let him know that he needs the time to calm down. Do it calmly and matter of factly. When time out is over, have him tell you why he was given a time out, so you know he understands.

He then should apologize to whomever he hit.

But you need to remain calm.

Others have mentioned perhaps an evaluation. You’ve posted many times about his behavior. Even if nothing is wrong, maybe some parenting strategies on how to deal with your son.

What do I do if he keeps trying to get out of his time out which he will and has always done.

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I think I got the idea from Greg Popcak and it was my experience in my family of origin that spanking was not a success for my parents. If it had been a success, they wouldn’t have had to keep hitting us into my teens.

I believe the OP is married. Bear in mind, though, that if she is the primary at-home parent, there will unavoidably be long stretches of time where she is at home alone with the two children. Also unfortunately, the after-school-before-dinner hours are prime time for outbreaks of bad behavior. And, as we all know, “Wait until your father comes home!” is sissy talk. Whatever consequence is going to happen needs to start immediately. (Although I think that when he is around, one-on-one time with each parent can be valuable.)

OP, come to think of it, there are some things to watch out for. With our autism spectrum daughter, when she was that age, it was predictable that she’d tantrum when she was hungry, thirsty, or needed the bathroom. Unfortunately, she didn’t have enough physical self-awareness to understand that she was hungry, thirsty, or needed the bathroom and that taking care of those needs would immediately make her feel better. She’d just start spiraling uncontrollably into a tantrum and violently refusing the stuff that would make her feel better. (We used to have to forcibly syringe water into her mouth to rehydrate her.) So, if I were you, I’d keep an eye on him, and see if there isn’t a relationship between his outbursts and being dehydrated, hungry, needing the bathroom, or a particular time of day.

Best wishes!

My son is six, and is definitely more prone to tantrums when he is tired. I know that if he has a tantrum, minutes or so later I’ll find him napping on the couch (or floor or carseat)

 

[Serap]

Don’t have a grown up temper tantrum in front of your child.

It models the behavior you do not want. It is scary for a child to see mom lose control and scream and hit a pillow…

I actually think time outs work perfectly for this age. He hits you, a stern “No Hitting!” and put the child in a time out. Let him know that he needs the time to calm down. Do it calmly and matter of factly. When time out is over, have him tell you why he was given a time out, so you know he understands.

He then should apologize to whomever he hit.

But you need to remain calm.

Others have mentioned perhaps an evaluation. You’ve posted many times about his behavior. Even if nothing is wrong, maybe some parenting strategies on how to deal with your son.

I cannot afford an evaluation right now.

 

[hesso12]

“You honor your sons more than me.1 Samuel 2:29

God’s word is complete for parenting. Even in 2015. 1 Samuel shares a principle parents of teens need to hear.

The reason why some people don’t like to punish there children even when there doing bad is because they honour or over respect there children more than God.

In the scripture we find God is asking us a question.

God’s asking you: Do you honor your children more than me?”

 

[Kelfa28]

OP, come to think of it, there are some things to watch out for. With our autism spectrum daughter, when she was that age, it was predictable that she’d tantrum when she was hungry, thirsty, or needed the bathroom. Unfortunately, she didn’t have enough physical self-awareness to understand that she was hungry, thirsty, or needed the bathroom and that taking care of those needs would immediately make her feel better. She’d just start spiraling uncontrollably into a tantrum and violently refusing the stuff that would make her feel better. (We used to have to forcibly syringe water into her mouth to rehydrate her.) So, if I were you, I’d keep an eye on him, and see if there isn’t a relationship between his outbursts and being dehydrated, hungry, needing the bathroom, or a particular time of day.

Best wishes!

Our oldest will only throw tantrums if she is hungry, needs to use the bathroom or is frustrated because we can’t understand what she is trying to say.

If she is losing control, the very first thing I do is get her on the toilet. She’ll resist but if that is the problem, something will dawn on her and she’ll use it and calm down immediately. If that isn’t the issue I’ll give her some water or ask if she wants her favorite snack.
If that isn’t the issue then I go to a time out and try to get her to calm down. She sits on the stairs for 3 minutes and I’m in the room…I ignore her but stay in the room. When the 3 minutes is up she comes off and we try to figure out why she is upset.

It’s still a challenge because of her speech delay. She is light years ahead from when we first recognized the problem but we still have trouble figuring her speech out because she talks too fast and mashes whole sentences together into one or two words…which you just can’t understand.

I’m sorry, but hitting a poor child who is hungry, needs to pee or has a speech problem she didn’t ask for and can’t fix on her own is just cruel.

It only takes one person to turn this into a spanking debate. Sorry that this happened OP.

 

[hesso12]

1. 
   *]Do you dishonor God by compromising His values for the culture’s as you raise kids? What TV shows, movies, or video games do you allow them to watch or play? Do the storylines honor God or dishonor Him?
   *]When your kids ask to do something because everyone’s doing it, do you allow it against your better judgement because you want them to fit in? Do you justify what you allow them to do because you fear they won’t be popular or they’ll be made fun of?
   *]Do you ignore, overlook, or justify your child’s sin nature when it needs corrected?If your teen gets in trouble, do you blame others involved or ignore the possibility your child may have had a part? Do you find yourself saying, “My child couldn’t possibly have done that!”
   *]Do you indulge your children by giving them what they ask for, even at financial cost or personal regret? Do you feel trapped by your children’s requests? Who controls ultimate decisions in these matters – you or your children?
   *]How do you enable your child? Do you do things for them they should do themselves? Do you justify their misconduct or blame others for their mistakes, lack of responsibility, or failed relationships?
   *]Does your desire to see your teen happy outweigh the pain of natural consequences they receive from poor choices? Do you remove consequences or fail to discipline because of their pleading, emotions, or power-struggles?