How do I get my son to stop hitting? He's turning 6

[Serap]

So last night my son and I were playing one on one with his cars and race track in his room. I accidentally broke his race track and he began to melt down. At first he stopped himself from hitting me and I could see that he felt anger and pain at the same time. My gut told me to stay with him bc he needed me.

He did hit me lightly a few times and I held his hand and said, “No or I will leave.” I got up to leave 2 or 3 times and he begged me to stay and said, “Huggie!!!”

Then it happened. He cried in my arms for about 10 minutes finally releasing all his built up feelings. I just held him and said nothing. When he was done, he looked at me and told me that he really misses one of his daycare teachers from June.

Background: He moved up a level in his before and after school daycare program and was in full-time over the summer. He really misses his younger friends in the old program and really misses Stefani…his old daycare teacher. We talked about it and I just listened to him. He’s the youngest being a December baby and he’s with boys aged 6 to 8. It’s really hard for him as he’s still only 5. In Canada, December kids are the youngest.

He told me he really likes his grade 1 class, and he’s happy his best friend is in his class.

I just listened.

If I had of gotten up and left when he first hit me, he would have cried alone and would have only been able to feel anger at me leaving. I’m really glad I stayed bc we had a really special moment and he finally was able to acknowledge his sadness in leaving his caregiver Stefani.

I’m not sure if I did the right thing by not leaving, but I feel like I finally had a breakthrough with him.

What do you guys think? Was it the right thing to do in that moment?

 

[Xantippe]

5 kids, so far, 4 of them old enough to “hit” All of them have hit once… They don’t seem to do it after that. Why would a kid keep hitting?

1. Because it gets them what they want

and/or

1. Because they have neurological problems

 

[Serap]

I totally agree my mother was the same way one time when I was around nine or ten she told me not to pop the wheel on the bike I was riding we were visiting my cousins on the other side of town. Well there was a place in the road that needed to be fixed and the bike that I was on made a pop when I went over it because I didn’t know it was there she came and yanked me off the bike and told my dad that we were going home and that I was getting the belt and when we got home she beat me until the belt broke it was one one of my dads genuine leather belts. After that she drove the car over the same road because it was on the way to the grocery store and discovered the dip in the road because the car tire made a pop after that I was never really close to her even though she did apologize but then the damage was already done. Even into my adult life she tried to make all my decisions, even going as far as wanting me to put her name on my checking account thirty years ago when I was first starting out on my own by the way I still have the same checking account and she was not happy when I became Catholic. I come from a Pentecostal church of god background my mother is passed away now but too this day I will not have any belts in the house because they bring up memories of that brutal whipping that I got as a nine or ten year old for something that was not my fault. Oh yes I did not put her name on my checking account that was my first step to being independent from her.

I have a confession, I was spanking my son. Only an open hand to the clothed bum…no belts and I began to see the damage it was causing him.

I have stopped and will never look back. My kids are too precious and I want to be close to them in 20 years. I’m willing to put in the efforts to make that happen.

This is why I am now working on my son’s anger. He is sensitive and I messed up by spanking. I understand this now. He needs me to parent from love, not from fear.

 

[pensmama87]

So last night my son and I were playing one on one with his cars and race track in his room. I accidentally broke his race track and he began to melt down. At first he stopped himself from hitting me and I could see that he felt anger and pain at the same time. My gut told me to stay with him bc he needed me.

He did hit me lightly a few times and I held his hand and said, “No or I will leave.” I got up to leave 2 or 3 times and he begged me to stay and said, “Huggie!!!”

Then it happened. He cried in my arms for about 10 minutes finally releasing all his built up feelings. I just held him and said nothing. When he was done, he looked at me and told me that he really misses one of his daycare teachers from June.

Background: He moved up a level in his before and after school daycare program and was in full-time over the summer. He really misses his younger friends in the old program and really misses Stefani…his old daycare teacher. We talked about it and I just listened to him. He’s the youngest being a December baby and he’s with boys aged 6 to 8. It’s really hard for him as he’s still only 5. In Canada, December kids are the youngest.

He told me he really likes his grade 1 class, and he’s happy his best friend is in his class.

I just listened.

If I had of gotten up and left when he first hit me, he would have cried alone and would have only been able to feel anger at me leaving. I’m really glad I stayed bc we had a really special moment and he finally was able to acknowledge his sadness in leaving his caregiver Stefani.

I’m not sure if I did the right thing by not leaving, but I feel like I finally had a breakthrough with him.

What do you guys think? Was it the right thing to do in that moment?

You know your kid.

I would not be able to do the same with my kids in that situation. I’m not the sort who believes that babies who cry are trying to emotionally manipulate their children, but I do know that my 2 year old can fake cry to get his older brother in trouble, and that my 4 year old is actually very skilled at emotional manipulation tactics. If my sons did what your son did in that instance, it would be, probably 90 times out of 100, a trick to try to get me to not be consistent. And then ta-da, they’ve figured out a way for me to not follow through.

So I’m kind of in two minds about what you say here. On the one hand, yes, that could really be something that’s bothering him. But at the same time, I see you setting limits that you then don’t enforce. I let my children have their emotions and I welcome them talking to me about them. But at the first hit, no matter how light, nope, not acceptable. We’ll talk again in a few minutes. There is no excuse for hitting.

 

[alphawoman]

no…we have to pay for all that stuff here.

No, provincial health care covers routine visits to your child’s GP/ped and any referrals to MD specialists. A visit to a developmental ped or ped neurologist is covered by provincial health care. Psych and neuropsych are not.

 

[Serap]

I like the taking toys away. If I began taking my son’s cars away one by one, he would definitely smarten up even though he has a gazillion of them.

I do believe that if he hits, a time away to cool down is in order definitely. I can put him in my bedroom…he hates being alone, so this would be enough motivation for my son not to hit. He absolutely hates being alone.

 

[Serap]

No, provincial health care covers routine visits to your child’s GP/ped and any referrals to MD specialists. A visit to a developmental ped or ped neurologist is covered by provincial health care. Psych and neuropsych are not.

thanks for the clarification. i will see if I can do behaviour modification at home first.

 

[Serap]

You know your kid.

I would not be able to do the same with my kids in that situation. I’m not the sort who believes that babies who cry are trying to emotionally manipulate their children, but I do know that my 2 year old can fake cry to get his older brother in trouble, and that my 4 year old is actually very skilled at emotional manipulation tactics. If my sons did what your son did in that instance, it would be, probably 90 times out of 100, a trick to try to get me to not be consistent. And then ta-da, they’ve figured out a way for me to not follow through.

So I’m kind of in two minds about what you say here. On the one hand, yes, that could really be something that’s bothering him. But at the same time, I see you setting limits that you then don’t enforce. I let my children have their emotions and I welcome them talking to me about them. But at the first hit, no matter how light, nope, not acceptable. We’ll talk again in a few minutes. There is no excuse for hitting.

Thing is though is that Positive Discipline psychologists advocate my approach last night and it’s so confusing.

 

[pensmama87]

Thing is though is that Positive Discipline psychologists advocate my approach last night and it’s so confusing.

Different approaches work well for different kids. I think the important thing is to make it about your kid and your relationship with your kids, and not to be sworn to any particular psychologist or “style” of parenting. If you think that what happened last night was positive and a step in the right direction for you and your son, then that’s great. I just know that it is absolutely not something I would do for my kids. The next time my older son in particular started to melt down, he would bring out all the same stuff in the hopes that he could avoid punishment. So based on my experience as a mom, that’s something in particular I’d tell you to look out for.

A little backstory: I used to be really, really, really into attachment parenting - partially I think because I felt very insecurely attached to my parents growing up. And I think there’s a lot of good information on that for babies and toddlers. But as kids get older I think it’s a little bit harder because you start seeing such huge variation in personality. And frankly, the stuff I was running into on AP groups and hanging out with other parents who called themselves “AP parents” was…insane. So I decided I’d keep what worked for me from the early years, but leave the rest, and not put a lot of stock into me identifying as a particular “kind” of parent. Instead, I’m just the mom of my kids. I use a little here and there from a lot of things I’ve read and the advice of other parents. But if I try something for a bit and it doesn’t work, or if I just know it won’t work for me, then I don’t do it, and I don’t sweat it anymore.

 

[pianistclare]

**I do believe that if he hits, a time away to cool down is in order definitely. I can put him in my bedroom…he hates being alone, so this would be enough motivation for my son not to hit. He absolutely hates being alone./**QUOTE]

Sounds like he has you on a short leash.
Something is on it’s end here. While I thought the story of him crying was very touching and possibly a breakthrough…it stills says to me that he knows how to push your buttons.
You are the parent. I never advocate being the sort of parent that is cold and unfeeling. No clinical behaviors by anyone in our house. But, it does seem odd that he can’t self -soothe at all. Part of our job as parents is to allow kids to develop coping mechanisms that are appropriate. I suppose his behavior at school is different because no one acts like that in his class. He’s smart enough not to be the oddball with his peers. But at home he has already developed how he’s going to run things. If he runs you now…think what it will be like when he’s 17.

I will pray for answers for this situation.

 

[Serap]

Different approaches work well for different kids. I think the important thing is to make it about your kid and your relationship with your kids, and not to be sworn to any particular psychologist or “style” of parenting. If you think that what happened last night was positive and a step in the right direction for you and your son, then that’s great. I just know that it is absolutely not something I would do for my kids. The next time my older son in particular started to melt down, he would bring out all the same stuff in the hopes that he could avoid punishment. So based on my experience as a mom, that’s something in particular I’d tell you to look out for.

A little backstory: I used to be really, really, really into attachment parenting - partially I think because I felt very insecurely attached to my parents growing up. And I think there’s a lot of good information on that for babies and toddlers. But as kids get older I think it’s a little bit harder because you start seeing such huge variation in personality. And frankly, the stuff I was running into on AP groups and hanging out with other parents who called themselves “AP parents” was…insane. So I decided I’d keep what worked for me from the early years, but leave the rest, and not put a lot of stock into me identifying as a particular “kind” of parent. Instead, I’m just the mom of my kids. I use a little here and there from a lot of things I’ve read and the advice of other parents. But if I try something for a bit and it doesn’t work, or if I just know it won’t work for me, then I don’t do it, and I don’t sweat it anymore.

Yes good point.

I cannot let my son hit. It’s not ok.

I know that once my son loses it with anger, he needs a time out to calm down. Hitting will soon not be worth it for him if he keeps having a time out every time he hits.

and honestly, do these Positive Parenting techniques “really” work? 20 years from now, they could be saying something different for all we know

 

[Serap]

Serap;13267482:

I do believe that if he hits, a time away to cool down is in order definitely. I can put him in my bedroom…he hates being alone, so this would be enough motivation for my son not to hit. He absolutely hates being alone./

QUOTE]

Sounds like he has you on a short leash.
Something is on it’s end here. While I thought the story of him crying was very touching and possibly a breakthrough…it stills says to me that he knows how to push your buttons.
You are the parent. I never advocate being the sort of parent that is cold and unfeeling. No clinical behaviors by anyone in our house. But, it does seem odd that he can’t self -soothe at all. Part of our job as parents is to allow kids to develop coping mechanisms that are appropriate. I suppose his behavior at school is different because no one acts like that in his class. He’s smart enough not to be the oddball with his peers. But at home he has already developed how he’s going to run things. If he runs you now…think what it will be like when he’s 17.

I will pray for answers for this situation.

He’ll get it b/c as much as I’m lovey dovey, I’m also not going to put up with hitting. That is my limit…oh and name calling when angry also.

I have faith that he will turn out ok with some rules around hitting that are consistent and matter of fact.

For the last 3 weeks, I’ve been trying out this Positive Parenting approach. I am ready to admit that it’s probably not working for us. I at least wanted to give it a proper go b/c according to scientific research, the best behaved kids are from Positive Parents.

It could be biased science…but spanking is definitely out.

 

[EasterJoy]

I like the taking toys away. If I began taking my son’s cars away one by one, he would definitely smarten up even though he has a gazillion of them.

I do believe that if he hits, a time away to cool down is in order definitely. I can put him in my bedroom…he hates being alone, so this would be enough motivation for my son not to hit. He absolutely hates being alone.

On the “gazillion toys,” BTW, I learned from a poster here the value of having a child choose which 1/3 of their “gazillion” toys they want to have access to in a given week. They value the ones they get to play with more and also find “new novelty” when they bring out toys that had been out-of-sight for awhile. The method was started as a way to reduce clutter and wound up being a way to increase how much the children appreciated their things.

I also had some number of very cool toys that were too fragile for my sons to use without supervision. A useful treat to have is a chance to play with these “very cool” toys. Since you have to play with him, it is also something to enjoy doing together.

I had a son who would do the “dig himself in deeper” thing. He’d get past some point of return and just go bananas to the point that it was impossible to motivate him to do the right thing. He was down in the well, and there was going to be no “punishing him out of it.”

I used to give him his time alone and then go in and say, “What would you say to starting all over?” It gives them a way out that saves face, and sometimes a kid who has lost it just has to have that. Then you have a chance for everyone to calm down, be ready for what is coming, and privately review what the real problem was and how to handle it in a peaceable manner.

The whole idea, after all, is not just to expect him to behave, but also to give him the tools to recognize his own emotional state and to give himself options that are pleasant to others while being strategically advantageous to him. You don’t just teach him to suck it up when things don’t go his way. You teach him how to self-advocate in a productive way that other people will be open to listening to, how to choose his battles, and so on.

 

[Serap]

On the “gazillion toys,” BTW, I learned from a poster here the value of having a child choose which 1/3 of their “gazillion” toys they want to have access to in a given week. They value the ones they get to play with more and also find “new novelty” when they bring out toys that had been out-of-sight for awhile. The method was started as a way to reduce clutter and wound up being a way to increase how much the children appreciated their things.

I also had some number of very cool toys that were too fragile for my sons to use without supervision. A useful treat to have is a chance to play with these “very cool” toys. Since you have to play with him, it is also something to enjoy doing together.

I had a son who would do the “dig himself in deeper” thing. He’d get past some point of return and just go bananas to the point that it was impossible to motivate him to do the right thing. He was down in the well, and there was going to be no “punishing him out of it.”

I used to give him his time alone and then go in and say, “What would you say to starting all over?” It gives them a way out that saves face, and sometimes a kid who has lost it just has to have that. Then you have a chance for everyone to calm down, be ready for what is coming, and privately review what the real problem was and how to handle it in a peaceable manner.

The whole idea, after all, is not just to expect him to behave, but also to give him the tools to recognize his own emotional state and to give himself options that are pleasant to others while being strategically advantageous to him. You don’t just teach him to suck it up when things don’t go his way. You teach him how to self-advocate in a productive way that other people will be open to listening to, how to choose his battles, and so on.

I really like your approach. It seems like my son would respond well to this approach. If he has lost control, then he absolutely needs to be removed from the situation to calm down.

Would you take him to his time alone spot?

 

[UbiCaritas]

I don’t really have anything to offer, but thanks for starting the thread, OP! I’m not yet where you are parenting-wise, but I’ve gotten a lot of good ideas for the future from this thread. Like yours, my parents were fairly abusive, and while I don’t want to do as they did, I also don’t know how to parent well, and feel like a blank slate a lot of the time, or like I’m having to re-invent the wheel. It can be really hard.

 

[Serap]

I don’t really have anything to offer, but thanks for starting the thread, OP! I’m not yet where you are parenting-wise, but I’ve gotten a lot of good ideas for the future from this thread. Like yours, my parents were fairly abusive, and while I don’t want to do as they did, I also don’t know how to parent well, and feel like a blank slate a lot of the time, or like I’m having to re-invent the wheel. It can be really hard.

Us parents need to uplift eachother and support eachother. Parenting is hard work.

Someone said my son has me on a leash. My take is that by smacking him and yelling at him, I failed at my job to teach him emotional intelligence and coping skills. Now I’m stepping up to the plate to teach him skills that I should have already taught him.

I am taking responsibility for bad parenting, not the other way around.

 

[pianistclare]

Us parents need to uplift eachother and support eachother. Parenting is hard work.

Someone said my son has me on a leash. My take is that by smacking him and yelling at him, I failed at my job to teach him emotional intelligence and coping skills. Now I’m stepping up to the plate to teach him skills that I should have already taught him.

I am taking responsibility for bad parenting, not the other way around.

I don’t think anyone is questioning that you are trying to do the right thing.

 

[pensmama87]

I don’t think anyone is questioning that you are trying to do the right thing.

Right.

I think the expression was meant to refer to the fact that your son could very well know your “soft spots” and be playing them because he knows how to get what he wants (even when it’s not good for him.) So instead of you being the boss as the parent, he is actually the one in charge, which is NOT what makes for effective parenting.

“Authority” is often seen as a bad word, but it is absolutely necessary for a parent to have. That doesn’t mean that you use harsh methods, but it does mean that your son knows that you are the mom and that you are in charge.

 

[Serap]

I don’t think anyone is questioning that you are trying to do the right thing.

That was not in my thoughts at all. On the contrary…I have gotten some wonderful advice from wonderful people.

I am taking accountability for my part in this.

 

[Serap]

Right.

I think the expression was meant to refer to the fact that your son could very well know your “soft spots” and be playing them because he knows how to get what he wants (even when it’s not good for him.) So instead of you being the boss as the parent, he is actually the one in charge, which is NOT what makes for effective parenting.

“Authority” is often seen as a bad word, but it is absolutely necessary for a parent to have. That doesn’t mean that you use harsh methods, but it does mean that your son knows that you are the mom and that you are in charge.

Yes I agree.