How do I get my son to stop hitting? He's turning 6

[The_Old_Maid]

Right.

I think the expression was meant to refer to the fact that your son could very well know your “soft spots” and be playing them because he knows how to get what he wants (even when it’s not good for him.) So instead of you being the boss as the parent, he is actually the one in charge, which is NOT what makes for effective parenting.

“Authority” is often seen as a bad word, but it is absolutely necessary for a parent to have. That doesn’t mean that you use harsh methods, but it does mean that your son knows that you are the mom and that you are in charge.

I don’t have much to add to this, except to quote Tim “the Tool Man” Taylor that parents are people “who tell kids what to do. If we can’t do that, we’re just the tallest people living here.” :juggle:

I would say the OP needs a calm safe space as much as Junior does. Sometimes it may be okay to just walk away. If the house is breakable or something’s on the stove, change that first, but then disappear and breathe.

I agree with whoever said it upthread that “wait till your father gets home” is outdated and therefore mostly ineffective. However I would add one caveat. It might be worthwhile for Dad to take Junior aside to explain something to him: “When you hit Mommy, you’re not just hitting Mommy, which Jesus wouldn’t like and the Ten Commandments wouldn’t like. You were hitting my wife. You were hitting another man’s wife. Nobody hits a wife. Nobody hits another man’s wife. Nobody hits my wife. Never. Not ever. Not ever-ever.”

Once such trip to Never-ever-land should do it.

 

[pianistclare]

I don’t have much to add to this, except to quote Tim “the Tool Man” Taylor that parents are people “who tell kids what to do. If we can’t do that, we’re just the tallest people living here.” :juggle:

I would say the OP needs a calm safe space as much as Junior does. Sometimes it may be okay to just walk away. If the house is breakable or something’s on the stove, change that first, but then disappear and breathe.

I agree with whoever said it upthread that “wait till your father gets home” is outdated and therefore mostly ineffective. However I would add one caveat. It might be worthwhile for Dad to take Junior aside to explain something to him: "When you hit Mommy, you’re not just hitting Mommy, which Jesus wouldn’t like and the Ten Commandments wouldn’t like. You were hitting my wife. You were hitting another man’s wife. Nobody hits a wife. Nobody hits another man’s wife. Nobody hits my wife. Never. Not ever. Not ever-ever."

Well yeah. there’s that.

Once such trip to Never-ever-land should do it.

 

[LaughingBoy1503]

I don’t have much to add to this, except to quote Tim “the Tool Man” Taylor that parents are people “who tell kids what to do. If we can’t do that, we’re just the tallest people living here.” :juggle:

I would say the OP needs a calm safe space as much as Junior does. Sometimes it may be okay to just walk away. If the house is breakable or something’s on the stove, change that first, but then disappear and breathe.

I agree with whoever said it upthread that “wait till your father gets home” is outdated and therefore mostly ineffective. However I would add one caveat. It might be worthwhile for Dad to take Junior aside to explain something to him: "When you hit Mommy, you’re not just hitting Mommy, which Jesus wouldn’t like and the Ten Commandments wouldn’t like. You were hitting my wife. You were hitting another man’s wife. Nobody hits a wife. Nobody hits another man’s wife. Nobody hits my wife. Never. Not ever. Not ever-ever."

Once such trip to Never-ever-land should do it.

Wow. That is the tactic that I want to use if I ever have a son and he hits his mother. And he would get a spanking afterward. But that is just me

 

[EasterJoy]

I don’t have much to add to this, except to quote Tim “the Tool Man” Taylor that parents are people “who tell kids what to do. If we can’t do that, we’re just the tallest people living here.” :juggle:

I would say the OP needs a calm safe space as much as Junior does. Sometimes it may be okay to just walk away. If the house is breakable or something’s on the stove, change that first, but then disappear and breathe.

I agree with whoever said it upthread that “wait till your father gets home” is outdated and therefore mostly ineffective. However I would add one caveat. It might be worthwhile for Dad to take Junior aside to explain something to him: "When you hit Mommy, you’re not just hitting Mommy, which Jesus wouldn’t like and the Ten Commandments wouldn’t like. You were hitting my wife. You were hitting another man’s wife. Nobody hits a wife. Nobody hits another man’s wife. Nobody hits my wife. Never. Not ever. Not ever-ever."

Once such trip to Never-ever-land should do it.

I knew a fellow who said he saw his grandfather do essentially this to his uncle (who was very near to the fellow in age). The fellow’s own father never defended his mother that way. It made an enormous impression on him. Suffice it to say that his children never show any disrespect to him or his wife without repercussions. Not mean or abusive repercussions, but certain and definitely not wanted by the children.

All leadership, including parenthood, has to be about a lot more than telling underlings what to do. Having said that, there have to be times when the leader has to exert their authority and must brook no insubordination, for everyone’s good.

Hitting your mother or father is about as insubordinate as it gets. It cannot be tolerated at all, ever. The child does not need to be harmed or scared, but when a child hits, his world needs to come to a screeching halt. He needs to know that hitting is a “Go to Jail. Do Not Pass Go. Do Not Collect $200” situation. Hitting/spitting at/using foul language towards Mom or Dad? That’s a Class A felony, son. Cancel all your appointments, because your personal engagement calendar has just been filled.

Remember, OP, that there isn’t just time out and loss of privileges. There is also time* in* to things the child does not like to do, such as sitting through dinner without getting to talk, or having to do extra of a chore he does not like, unless he wants to lose all his privileges for the evening. (Remember, always try to set up the situation so that compliance with his “sentence” will make things better for him and refusal to comply will make things worse.)

 

[Serap]

Yesterday, I picked my son up from his daycare after school program. The ECE told me he was pushing other kids and lying about it.

I had to draw the line.

With the ECE, we both told him that he wouldn’t play with his play tablet. He was upset and uncooperative coming home. He hit me. I told him that he would go straight to his room. At home, I collected all his toys and closed the door. 5 min later I got him and he hit me again when I told him he would not be having any sweets or a freezie. I said, “You will not hit me.” and took him to his room.

I got him and then we bagan to talk about his day. I told him that pushing, hitting, yelling and lying was unacceptable. I warned him that if I ever get a call from the school for hitting, he will lose his play tablet for that week.

I just spoke to him in a matter-of-fact manner.

He then became a very sweet boy and we hugged. We then played and read together. The rest of the night went well.

No yelling, no spanking…it seemed to work.

What do you guys think?

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

Yesterday, I picked my son up from his daycare after school program. The ECE told me he was pushing other kids and lying about it.

I had to draw the line.

With the ECE, we both told him that he wouldn’t play with his play tablet. He was upset and uncooperative coming home. He hit me. I told him that he would go straight to his room. At home, I collected all his toys and closed the door. 5 min later I got him and he hit me again when I told him he would not be having any sweets or a freezie. I said, “You will not hit me.” and took him to his room.

I got him and then we bagan to talk about his day. I told him that pushing, hitting, yelling and lying was unacceptable. I warned him that if I ever get a call from the school for hitting, he will lose his play tablet for that week.

I just spoke to him in a matter-of-fact manner.

He then became a very sweet boy and we hugged. We then played and read together. The rest of the night went well.

No yelling, no spanking…it seemed to work.

What do you guys think?

Sounds good!

Does he play many video games? I would make sure no violent ones are sneaking in. I would limit the ratings to C and E.

esrb.org/ratings/ratings_guide.jsp

 

[Casilda]

Yesterday, I picked my son up from his daycare after school program. The ECE told me he was pushing other kids and lying about it.

I had to draw the line.

With the ECE, we both told him that he wouldn’t play with his play tablet. He was upset and uncooperative coming home. He hit me. I told him that he would go straight to his room. At home, I collected all his toys and closed the door. 5 min later I got him and he hit me again when I told him he would not be having any sweets or a freezie. I said, “You will not hit me.” and took him to his room.

I got him and then we bagan to talk about his day. I told him that pushing, hitting, yelling and lying was unacceptable. I warned him that if I ever get a call from the school for hitting, he will lose his play tablet for that week.

I just spoke to him in a matter-of-fact manner.

He then became a very sweet boy and we hugged. We then played and read together. The rest of the night went well.

No yelling, no spanking…it seemed to work.

What do you guys think?

His momma loves him, now he knows to listen to correction and the hug sealed it.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Yesterday, I picked my son up from his daycare after school program. The ECE told me he was pushing other kids and lying about it.

I had to draw the line.

With the ECE, we both told him that he wouldn’t play with his play tablet. He was upset and uncooperative coming home. He hit me. I told him that he would go straight to his room. At home, I collected all his toys and closed the door. 5 min later I got him and he hit me again when I told him he would not be having any sweets or a freezie. I said, “You will not hit me.” and took him to his room.

I got him and then we bagan to talk about his day. I told him that pushing, hitting, yelling and lying was unacceptable. I warned him that if I ever get a call from the school for hitting, he will lose his play tablet for that week.

I just spoke to him in a matter-of-fact manner.

He then became a very sweet boy and we hugged. We then played and read together. The rest of the night went well.

No yelling, no spanking…it seemed to work.

What do you guys think?

It sounds as though you did fantastically!

One thing: when kids are un-learning a bad behavior, they may try to push it really hard just before it goes away. This is called “extinction behavior.” Basically, he may want to see “is she really going to follow through with this?” over the next few days.

You may well get to daycare today and find that he’s been good all day. If so, great! Awesome! Spectacular! It may be, though, that you get to daycare and find out that he was again pushing other kids.

Don’t let it get a rise out of you. “I understand you pushed Sam on the playground today. I told you yesterday that if you pushed people, XYZ will happen. So, XYZ is going to happen.” Then follow through, but without yelling.

If it happens again, it doesn’t mean that what you’re doing isn’t working. (If it continues to happen for weeks even with consistent followthrough on your part, it’s time to re-examine.) It means that he’s a normal kid who is going to push his boundaries until he figures out what they are for a given scenario.

If it makes you feel any better, my 18-month-old has recently discovered biting as a way of expressing her dislike of doing something. A few days ago, I pulled her in to snuggle her and read her some stories pre-nap. She started screaming furiously because she (as ever) didn’t want to nap.

Me: “I’m sorry you don’t like napping, but you’ll be a much happier baby if you take one. Come on, let’s snuggle a little before you go up.”

Her: Scream scream scream notices mom’s chest is just about at eye level looks mom deliberately in the eye, leans in, and chomps as hard as she could

I yelped (dude, it HURT–I still have a nice mark from it five days later), but then said in a stern voice, “No. You do not bite me. That is not acceptable. No biting. No biting.” and then carried her straight to bed, put her in it, said “I love you, but you must not bite,” and walked out the door. No pre-nap stories or songs. Nothing.

A few days after that, she was throwing her usual pre-nap fuss, and started to lean in to bite. I pulled her away, and said, “Do you want to get dumped?* If you bite me, you will get dumped. Do not bite. Let’s read a story instead.”

She clearly thought about it for a moment, decided that while she hates naps, she hates being dumped before her nap even more and would rather have a story, thankyouverymuch, so a story she had.

Bear in mind this isn’t the first time she did either behavior. It’s a bit of an ongoing process. But she is learning that biting gets her a one-way ticket to a not-fun bedtime, and that she doesn’t like that at all, and that’s a good thing.

*“Dumped” is the family term for the baby going straight to bed.

 

[Serap]

Sounds good!

Does he play many video games? I would make sure no violent ones are sneaking in. I would limit the ratings to C and E.

esrb.org/ratings/ratings_guide.jsp

Thanks Mary Gail. I will check his games. They are things like Spiderman and Angry Birds, etc.

 

[Serap]

It sounds as though you did fantastically!

One thing: when kids are un-learning a bad behavior, they may try to push it really hard just before it goes away. This is called “extinction behavior.” Basically, he may want to see “is she really going to follow through with this?” over the next few days.

You may well get to daycare today and find that he’s been good all day. If so, great! Awesome! Spectacular! It may be, though, that you get to daycare and find out that he was again pushing other kids.

Don’t let it get a rise out of you. “I understand you pushed Sam on the playground today. I told you yesterday that if you pushed people, XYZ will happen. So, XYZ is going to happen.” Then follow through, but without yelling.

If it happens again, it doesn’t mean that what you’re doing isn’t working. (If it continues to happen for weeks even with consistent followthrough on your part, it’s time to re-examine.) It means that he’s a normal kid who is going to push his boundaries until he figures out what they are for a given scenario.

If it makes you feel any better, my 18-month-old has recently discovered biting as a way of expressing her dislike of doing something. A few days ago, I pulled her in to snuggle her and read her some stories pre-nap. She started screaming furiously because she (as ever) didn’t want to nap.

Me: “I’m sorry you don’t like napping, but you’ll be a much happier baby if you take one. Come on, let’s snuggle a little before you go up.”

Her: Scream scream scream notices mom’s chest is just about at eye level looks mom deliberately in the eye, leans in, and chomps as hard as she could

I yelped (dude, it HURT–I still have a nice mark from it five days later), but then said in a stern voice, “No. You do not bite me. That is not acceptable. No biting. No biting.” and then carried her straight to bed, put her in it, said “I love you, but you must not bite,” and walked out the door. No pre-nap stories or songs. Nothing.

A few days after that, she was throwing her usual pre-nap fuss, and started to lean in to bite. I pulled her away, and said, “Do you want to get dumped?* If you bite me, you will get dumped. Do not bite. Let’s read a story instead.”

She clearly thought about it for a moment, decided that while she hates naps, she hates being dumped before her nap even more and would rather have a story, thankyouverymuch, so a story she had.

Bear in mind this isn’t the first time she did either behavior. It’s a bit of an ongoing process. But she is learning that biting gets her a one-way ticket to a not-fun bedtime, and that she doesn’t like that at all, and that’s a good thing.

*“Dumped” is the family term for the baby going straight to bed.

Little rascal haha

 

[Serap]

This morning we were in a bit of a rush to get out the door…my bad.

Anyway, my son screamed at me and I calmly said, “You just yelled at me. You will not get a freezie tonight. Now let’s go to school sweetheart.”

And off we went…

Question:

If he has a good day at school, can I let him earn his freezie back with good behaviour or do I have to follow through no ifs or buts…???

 

[pianistclare]

this morning we were in a bit of a rush to get out the door…my bad.

Anyway, my son screamed at me and i calmly said, “you just yelled at me. You will not get a freezie tonight. Now let’s go to school sweetheart.”

and off we went…

Question:

If he has a good day at school, can i let him earn his freezie back with good behaviour or do i have to follow through no ifs or buts…???

follow through!

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

This morning we were in a bit of a rush to get out the door…my bad.

Anyway, my son screamed at me and I calmly said, “You just yelled at me. You will not get a freezie tonight. Now let’s go to school sweetheart.”

And off we went…

Question:

If he has a good day at school, can I let him earn his freezie back with good behaviour or do I have to follow through no ifs or buts…???

Tonight no freezie (btw is that a popsicle?)

Next time the consequence should be closer to the bad behavior. So take something away then, or a privilege. So maybe the car ride would be no music, or the walk would be quiet. This afternoon, is a long time to wait, he might not even register that is the reason why he’s not getting any freezie.

 

[jmjZelie]

Wow. That is the tactic that I want to use if I ever have a son and he hits his mother. And he would get a spanking afterward. But that is just me

Yes. As a wife and mother, I also like that approach.

If my kids mouth off to their father, I set them straight real fast. No one gets to mouth off to their father, who is my husband.

If my kids hit each other, I remind them that they are attacking my son or my daughter and I don’t tolerate anyone attacking my child. I remind them that their victim is not merely their sibling, that they can treat like some object that can be abused in anger. Also, I have found that giving lots of attention to the wounded party and immediately exiling the attacker works.

Back to Serap’s question, however, the way I dealt with any sort of hitting me or saying nasty things to me, was an immediate “you do not get to treat your mother that way” (I purposefully use the third person here, instead of first person, to give myself emotional distance and to make it clear that I am stating a rule, not pleading for niceness). And then it is exile to the bedroom. If they stay put, the door stays open. If they come out, the door must be shut. If they continue to try to come out, I hold the door shut firmly and silently. I have had a couple of very trying children who test me in every possible way, but they have learned not to be disrespectful or abusive because they don’t want to be exiled.

I know you need a method to work with your son on your own, but can your husband have a talk “man to man” with your son about how when he abuses his mother he is also abusing a man’s wife? I think that is very powerful.

 

[jmjZelie]

It sounds as though you did fantastically!

One thing: when kids are un-learning a bad behavior, they may try to push it really hard just before it goes away. This is called “extinction behavior.” Basically, he may want to see “is she really going to follow through with this?” over the next few days.

You may well get to daycare today and find that he’s been good all day. If so, great! Awesome! Spectacular! It may be, though, that you get to daycare and find out that he was again pushing other kids.

Don’t let it get a rise out of you. “I understand you pushed Sam on the playground today. I told you yesterday that if you pushed people, XYZ will happen. So, XYZ is going to happen.” Then follow through, but without yelling.

If it happens again, it doesn’t mean that what you’re doing isn’t working. (If it continues to happen for weeks even with consistent followthrough on your part, it’s time to re-examine.) It means that he’s a normal kid who is going to push his boundaries until he figures out what they are for a given scenario.

If it makes you feel any better, my 18-month-old has recently discovered biting as a way of expressing her dislike of doing something. A few days ago, I pulled her in to snuggle her and read her some stories pre-nap. She started screaming furiously because she (as ever) didn’t want to nap.

Me: “I’m sorry you don’t like napping, but you’ll be a much happier baby if you take one. Come on, let’s snuggle a little before you go up.”

Her: Scream scream scream notices mom’s chest is just about at eye level looks mom deliberately in the eye, leans in, and chomps as hard as she could

I yelped (dude, it HURT–I still have a nice mark from it five days later), but then said in a stern voice, “No. You do not bite me. That is not acceptable. No biting. No biting.” and then carried her straight to bed, put her in it, said “I love you, but you must not bite,” and walked out the door. No pre-nap stories or songs. Nothing.

A few days after that, she was throwing her usual pre-nap fuss, and started to lean in to bite. I pulled her away, and said, “Do you want to get dumped?* If you bite me, you will get dumped. Do not bite. Let’s read a story instead.”

She clearly thought about it for a moment, decided that while she hates naps, she hates being dumped before her nap even more and would rather have a story, thankyouverymuch, so a story she had.

Bear in mind this isn’t the first time she did either behavior. It’s a bit of an ongoing process. But she is learning that biting gets her a one-way ticket to a not-fun bedtime, and that she doesn’t like that at all, and that’s a good thing.

*“Dumped” is the family term for the baby going straight to bed.

We call it “dump and run” in our family.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yesterday, I picked my son up from his daycare after school program. The ECE told me he was pushing other kids and lying about it.

I had to draw the line.

With the ECE, we both told him that he wouldn’t play with his play tablet. He was upset and uncooperative coming home. He hit me. I told him that he would go straight to his room. At home, I collected all his toys and closed the door. 5 min later I got him and he hit me again when I told him he would not be having any sweets or a freezie. I said, “You will not hit me.” and took him to his room.

I got him and then we bagan to talk about his day. I told him that pushing, hitting, yelling and lying was unacceptable. I warned him that if I ever get a call from the school for hitting, he will lose his play tablet for that week.

I just spoke to him in a matter-of-fact manner.

He then became a very sweet boy and we hugged. We then played and read together. The rest of the night went well.

No yelling, no spanking…it seemed to work.

What do you guys think?

You did a good job! When you talk to him again, you might ask him what he does at school when he feels like hitting, since at school he does not hit. This gives an opportunity to have him consider how to extend that strategy to home. It also gives you an opportunity to ask where his school anger is going. Is he dealing with it, or just stuffing it? Is he listening to the sense of violation that lead him to feel that way, or is school just the place where you have to stuff it when you’re mad? You might also help him to consider other things to do when he feels anger. For instance, he might learn to turn his thoughts to what he can do instead of the first thing to do that comes to him mind. He might remind himself that he has ways to get past anger without hitting. He might feel better if he talks about it with someone else later. Maybe he knows someone who said things they didn’t mean when they were angry and couldn’t take them back later. And so on.

For instance, consider how an older person deals with someone they trust and know well when they are very angry. How do they express their complaint in a way that is respectful and likely to improve the situation instead of make it worse but also doesn’t just stuff the anger forever? Maybe the answer is to calm down–put out the fire first–and then talk about the issue with the other person when the bodily sensation of anger has passed. Maybe there is a need to honestly ask: Can this wait or should I express myself now? Sometimes, an immediate response is necessary, after all.

It is worth it for a young person to learn that anger is a terrible master but can be a useful servant. For instance, you felt not just hurt but also angry that your son hit you. You didn’t hit him back–he needs to think about that!–but you also didn’t let him just keep on hitting you without any consequences. He can learn from your experience with him how to deal with frustration or the feeling of having been violated without destroying the love and trust between yourself and the person who angers you. You can teach him that sometimes it takes some time to work out what to do with a situation that repeatedly angers you.

Anger is not something you can simply stuff in a bag and ignore, at any rate. It is good to have strategies for dealing with it and letting it flow away in a healthy manner.

At some point in his life, you might even consider the story of the Cleansing of the Temple. Wow, Our Lord got angry, too! His anger helped him to deal with a very wrong situation in no uncertain terms, because he had the authority to do everything he did. Yet look how differently he responded when the Temple being destroyed was his own body. That is beyond most six-year olds, but my point is that your son’s anger should be considered an attribute that can be both a gift and a burden, rather than just one or the other.

 

[EasterJoy]

We call it “dump and run” in our family.

Children also need to realize that a repeated choice to deliberately harm someone else is going to lead to a more severe punishment.

Sometimes, you can see a kid just about to lose it or go for it, and you can almost hear the little gears clicking in their head as they weigh whether the punishment is going to be every bit worth the payoff of getting to commit the crime. When the “crime” is going to harm themselves or others, however, that computation should not take long. They need to know this is the realm of Class A felony, and that if they commit one of those with clear premeditation they may get far more than the “usual” penalty.

 

[jmjZelie]

One thing that I have taught my children is that God gave us our strength to help and to protect, not to injure or harm. If someone gets a little rough and I see they are tempted to lash out, I ask why did God give you your strength? And it gives them a moment of distance from their anger to make a better choice. This has been an especially important lesson to teach my son who has three younger sisters. It has given him a sense of purpose, too. He feels proud that God made him a protector and now we can talk about how he would feel bad to abuse that gift.

I think this ties into what EasterJoy just posted above about anger being a useful servant but a terrible master.

So maybe, as a proactive thing, at times when all is well, enlist your son’s help in things that require strength. I ask my son to help with all sorts of things that test his muscles in a positive way, like carrying groceries or running the vacuum or carrying the recycling out. He is seven, by the way. Boys need to use their muscles in positive ways every day, at work and at play. It helps them learn how good it feels to use their strength for noble purposes.

 

[jmjZelie]

Children also need to realize that a repeated choice to deliberately harm someone else is going to lead to a more severe punishment.

Sometimes, you can see a kid just about to lose it or go for it, and you can almost hear the little gears clicking in their head as they weigh whether the punishment is going to be every bit worth the payoff of getting to commit the crime. When the “crime” is going to harm themselves or others, however, that computation should not take long. They need to know this is the realm of Class A felony, and that if they commit one of those with clear premeditation they may get far more than the “usual” penalty.

I don’t use dump and run as a penalty for violence for anyone other than an angry, overtired infant. I was just amused to see that another family has a similar term for that.

 

[Serap]

Tonight no freezie (btw is that a popsicle?)

Next time the consequence should be closer to the bad behavior. So take something away then, or a privilege. So maybe the car ride would be no music, or the walk would be quiet. This afternoon, is a long time to wait, he might not even register that is the reason why he’s not getting any freezie.

yes, it’s like a popsicle.

Ok, next time we walk with no talking. that makes better sense.