How do I get my son to stop hitting? He's turning 6

[Serap]

Children also need to realize that a repeated choice to deliberately harm someone else is going to lead to a more severe punishment.

Sometimes, you can see a kid just about to lose it or go for it, and you can almost hear the little gears clicking in their head as they weigh whether the punishment is going to be every bit worth the payoff of getting to commit the crime. When the “crime” is going to harm themselves or others, however, that computation should not take long. They need to know this is the realm of Class A felony, and that if they commit one of those with clear premeditation they may get far more than the “usual” penalty.

This is why hitting is an instant time out away from family because my son hates being alone. This is the ultimate consequence for him. He will do anything to avoid banishment.

 

[EasterJoy]

I don’t use dump and run as a penalty for violence for anyone other than an angry, overtired infant. I was just amused to see that another family has a similar term for that.

In the case you cited, I think the “you just committed a felony, kid” message came through loud and clear, LOL!! The next time those little gears turn, the prospect of a commensurate response the child had not seen coming will definitely enter into the “profit-loss calculation.” Do you worst, and you may see a side of Mom you did not know she had!

 

[EasterJoy]

One thing that I have taught my children is that God gave us our strength to help and to protect, not to injure or harm. If someone gets a little rough and I see they are tempted to lash out, I ask why did God give you your strength? And it gives them a moment of distance from their anger to make a better choice. This has been an especially important lesson to teach my son who has three younger sisters. It has given him a sense of purpose, too. He feels proud that God made him a protector and now we can talk about how he would feel bad to abuse that gift.

I think this ties into what EasterJoy just posted above about anger being a useful servant but a terrible master.

So maybe, as a proactive thing, at times when all is well, enlist your son’s help in things that require strength. I ask my son to help with all sorts of things that test his muscles in a positive way, like carrying groceries or running the vacuum or carrying the recycling out. He is seven, by the way. Boys need to use their muscles in positive ways every day, at work and at play. It helps them learn how good it feels to use their strength for noble purposes.

Exactly. Very often, these lessons come up later, when you’re talking about the theory of dealing with an upsetting situation when you are not upset at the time.

 

[UbiCaritas]

I don’t use dump and run as a penalty for violence for anyone other than an angry, overtired infant. I was just amused to see that another family has a similar term for that.

Ditto! Clearly, great minds think alike.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Children also need to realize that a repeated choice to deliberately harm someone else is going to lead to a more severe punishment.

Sometimes, you can see a kid just about to lose it or go for it, and you can almost hear the little gears clicking in their head as they weigh whether the punishment is going to be every bit worth the payoff of getting to commit the crime. When the “crime” is going to harm themselves or others, however, that computation should not take long. They need to know this is the realm of Class A felony, and that if they commit one of those with clear premeditation they may get far more than the “usual” penalty.

Exactly! In DD’s case, the consequence for doing something wrong is usually along the lines of being told not to do that (“No-no, don’t touch the electrical outlet,”) or perhaps immediately consequential (if I’m cooking dinner and she decides to glom onto my leg while tantruming, she gets sent behind the baby gate to the living room, where I can’t drop a pot of boiling water on her). In the case of biting–which, to be fair to her, really only happens when she’s absolutely furious about having to go to bed–I go for the big guns, because that’s something so totally unacceptable that it needs to be nipped in the bud ASAP.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I have been following this thread and I still have no idea how in the world this happens more than once…

Sometimes I think we over think things and get caught up in a bunch of peripheral stuff that inhibits our parenting.

This is a one time thing. Unless the child has severe issues I can’t imagine this being a problem.

 

[jmjZelie]

I have been following this thread and I still have no idea how in the world this happens more than once…

Sometimes I think we over think things and get caught up in a bunch of peripheral stuff that inhibits our parenting.

This is a one time thing. Unless the child has severe issues I can’t imagine this being a problem.

Kids have different temperaments. Just like adults, they struggle with vice. Only they haven’t yet learned mature coping mechanisms. One of the 7 capital sins (vices) is anger. So, it shouldn’t surprise us that some kids struggle with anger and acting out that way. At some point, with patient and consistent parenting, they will grow in temperance. I have an older Catholic parenting book that describes such a boy who decided, when he was around the age of reason, that he didn’t need his anger anymore and he was done with it. From that point on, he was determined to maintain his temper so that his company would be desired by his friends and family. And so he did.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Kids have different temperaments. Just like adults, they struggle with vice. Only they haven’t yet learned mature coping mechanisms. One of the 7 capital sins (vices) is anger. So, it shouldn’t surprise us that some kids struggle with anger and acting out that way. At some point, with patient and consistent parenting, they will grow in temperance. I have an older Catholic parenting book that describes such a boy who decided, when he was around the age of reason, that he didn’t need his anger anymore and he was done with it. From that point on, he was determined to maintain his temper so that his company would be desired by his friends and family. And so he did.

I have seen a lot of kids. With a lot of temperaments and there are somethings they learn not to do real fast.

The OPs son, regardless of temperament would only hit my wife once…

 

[jmjZelie]

I have seen a lot of kids. With a lot of temperaments and there are somethings they learn not to do real fast.

The OPs son, regardless of temperament would only hit my wife once…

I think that a father stepping in to deal with his son would be very appropriate in this situation, yes.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I think that a father stepping in to deal with his son would be very appropriate in this situation, yes.

or the person hit. I did not clarify that I would be the one to handle it… My wife would only allow it once as well…

 

[jmjZelie]

or the person hit. I did not clarify that I would be the one to handle it… My wife would only allow it once as well…

That was true for us as well. But I chose to spank for that. And I know that Serap doesn’t choose to spank and is looking for something else that won’t feed into the problem, and spanking did not work for her before.

How would you or your wife handle it?

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

That was true for us as well. But I chose to spank for that. And I know that Serap doesn’t choose to spank and is looking for something else that won’t feed into the problem, and spanking did not work for her before.

How would you or your wife handle it?

Spanking could be used but so could about a million other things. angrily placing him in a corner, etc… There are a million ways to handle it that would stop it immediately. Like I said before, all of my kids have hit. They have only done it once. Especially a 6 year old!

 

[Serap]

Spanking could be used but so could about a million other things. angrily placing him in a corner, etc… There are a million ways to handle it that would stop it immediately. Like I said before, all of my kids have hit. They have only done it once. Especially a 6 year old!

You need to meet my son . He has been spanked, timed out and gone without toys/privileges. For an entire year, he was doing great and recently started up again.

My son is very sensitive and he’s been through a lot of transitions in the last 3 months.

We will overcome this soon, but its great to be able to get ideas from other parents.

 

[EasterJoy]

When a parent who has successfully stopped their older kids from hitting and fails with one of the younger ones, it is usually with a child who only hits when they “lose it.” In that case, they’ll hit back to the bitter end. They are so angry, they’re brain dead. You cannot hit a kid like that hard enough to stop him without committing child abuse. There are some kids that won’t even stop then, not when they’re in a rage. The other child who will do this is one who cannot cope with being dominated. Again–they’ll go down with the ship. Little lions, they are! The last is the child who is just a very slow learner when it comes to self-regulation. They learn a lesson one day, and the next day–pffft. Gone. These are children who need to be disciplined and who need consequences like any other kid, but who need a little bit different strategy.

When I have run into a really good parent who is very concerned about a child who hits but who does not know how to cope with a child who hits–in other words, not the “oh, kids do that, he’ll grow out of it” parent–it is very often a parent who was physically abused as a child or who had to witness physical abuse as a child. They don’t have the experience with a hitting incident dialing down in anything like a matter-of-fact way. They get very emotional themselves when they are hit or see someone hit, and their emotions can be very frightening. Their concern that they not “lose” it as they have seen others lose it can hamper their ability to deal with the situation.

I think it is entirely possible that some families have more members who are prone to emotional “flooding”–overwhelming physical responses to anger, frustration, fear, and so on that make it very difficult to think clearly or act rationally. When you have that, I wouldn’t be at all surprised to have quite a few scary incidents in the family history, even if there isn’t a pattern of outright abuse.

 

[jmjZelie]

When a parent who has successfully stopped their older kids from hitting and fails with one of the younger ones, it is usually with a child who only hits when they “lose it.” In that case, they’ll hit back to the bitter end. They are so angry, they’re brain dead. You cannot hit a kid like that hard enough to stop him without committing child abuse. There are some kids that won’t even stop then, not when they’re in a rage. The other child who will do this is one who cannot cope with being dominated. Again–they’ll go down with the ship. Little lions, they are! The last is the child who is just a very slow learner when it comes to self-regulation. They learn a lesson one day, and the next day–pffft. Gone. These are children who need to be disciplined and who need consequences like any other kid, but who need a little bit different strategy.

When I have run into a really good parent who is very concerned about a child who hits but who does not know how to cope with a child who hits–in other words, not the “oh, kids do that, he’ll grow out of it” parent–it is very often a parent who was physically abused as a child or who had to witness physical abuse as a child. They don’t have the experience with a hitting incident dialing down in anything like a matter-of-fact way. They get very emotional themselves when they are hit or see someone hit, and their emotions can be very frightening. Their concern that they not “lose” it as they have seen others lose it can hamper their ability to deal with the situation.

This is very wise. My son is no longer struggling with the urge to hit others as much (although occasionally he does forget and then oh he gets so upset and he cries his poor apology and feels so guilty) but he struggles more with the urge to hit an object or kick it across the room. It is how he processes frustration. But not very healthy. So we are working with him to find a healthier way for him to process his frustration so he won’t get angry and break an object. I wonder if Serap’s son is struggling with frustration, and are there any other good ways to address that before it becomes anger?

I have been teaching him to practice mindful breathing so far. It helps him control his body, but it doesn’t help with his stress or frustration.

 

[EasterJoy]

This is very wise. My son is no longer struggling with the urge to hit others as much (although occasionally he does forget and then oh he gets so upset and he cries his poor apology and feels so guilty) but he struggles more with the urge to hit an object or kick it across the room. It is how he processes frustration. But not very healthy. So we are working with him to find a healthier way for him to process his frustration so he won’t get angry and break an object. I wonder if Serap’s son is struggling with frustration, and are there any other good ways to address that before it becomes anger?

I have been teaching him to practice mindful breathing so far. It helps him control his body, but it doesn’t help with his stress or frustration.

Another key is to expect frustrations to come. Expect things to go wrong. Expect people to do things you don’t like. Expect disappointment to feel bad in your body, sometimes, to make you want to cry or yell or hit something. It isn’t a matter of “if” something is going to go wrong, after all. It is just a matter of when. (It never ceases to amaze me how someone can drive the freeway for decades and still be surprised that the other drivers are just as bad as they have always been! What? Did you think all the bad drivers were staying home today? )

Learn to recognize what your body’s Anger and Frustration reactions do to your breathing and how tight it makes your jaw and how wild your thoughts go, and–as you say–learn to breathe more slowly and relax your jaws. Then learn to say, “Frustration? I can handle you. You’re not here to help. You just talk me into trouble and into doing things that make people not want to help me. Be quiet for a minute, so I can think. Stand back and let me handle this. I can handle myself and tell others I don’t like this situation without you! Now anger, you’re right, this situation isn’t fair, but you come here and you let me do the talking.” (Or, “Anger, I know you’re trying to look out for me, this is a bad situation, but this is how the rules work. They won’t think it is fair if I unleash you. Stop barking until I need you, because I have to handle this one without you.”)

 

[Serap]

Another key is to expect frustrations to come. Expect things to go wrong. Expect people to do things you don’t like. Expect disappointment to feel bad in your body, sometimes, to make you want to cry or yell or hit something. It isn’t a matter of “if” something is going to go wrong, after all. It is just a matter of when. (It never ceases to amaze me how someone can drive the freeway for decades and still be surprised that the other drivers are just as bad as they have always been! What? Did you think all the bad drivers were staying home today? )

Learn to recognize what your body’s Anger and Frustration reactions do to your breathing and how tight it makes your jaw and how wild your thoughts go, and–as you say–learn to breathe more slowly and relax your jaws. Then learn to say, “Frustration? I can handle you. You’re not here to help. You just talk me into trouble and into doing things that make people not want to help me. Be quiet for a minute, so I can think. Stand back and let me handle this. I can handle myself and tell others I don’t like this situation without you! Now anger, you’re right, this situation isn’t fair, but you come here and you let me do the talking.” (Or, “Anger, I know you’re trying to look out for me, this is a bad situation, but this is how the rules work. They won’t think it is fair if I unleash you. Stop barking until I need you, because I have to handle this one without you.”)

Wow! That was awesome!!

 

[Serap]

This is very wise. My son is no longer struggling with the urge to hit others as much (although occasionally he does forget and then oh he gets so upset and he cries his poor apology and feels so guilty) but he struggles more with the urge to hit an object or kick it across the room. It is how he processes frustration. But not very healthy. So we are working with him to find a healthier way for him to process his frustration so he won’t get angry and break an object. I wonder if Serap’s son is struggling with frustration, and are there any other good ways to address that before it becomes anger?

I have been teaching him to practice mindful breathing so far. It helps him control his body, but it doesn’t help with his stress or frustration.

Yes he needs to learn how to deal with frustration. You are right there.

 

[Serap]

When a parent who has successfully stopped their older kids from hitting and fails with one of the younger ones, it is usually with a child who only hits when they “lose it.” In that case, they’ll hit back to the bitter end. They are so angry, they’re brain dead. You cannot hit a kid like that hard enough to stop him without committing child abuse. There are some kids that won’t even stop then, not when they’re in a rage. The other child who will do this is one who cannot cope with being dominated. Again–they’ll go down with the ship. Little lions, they are! The last is the child who is just a very slow learner when it comes to self-regulation. They learn a lesson one day, and the next day–pffft. Gone. These are children who need to be disciplined and who need consequences like any other kid, but who need a little bit different strategy.

When I have run into a really good parent who is very concerned about a child who hits but who does not know how to cope with a child who hits–in other words, not the “oh, kids do that, he’ll grow out of it” parent–it is very often a parent who was physically abused as a child or who had to witness physical abuse as a child. They don’t have the experience with a hitting incident dialing down in anything like a matter-of-fact way. They get very emotional themselves when they are hit or see someone hit, and their emotions can be very frightening. Their concern that they not “lose” it as they have seen others lose it can hamper their ability to deal with the situation.

I think it is entirely possible that some families have more members who are prone to emotional “flooding”–overwhelming physical responses to anger, frustration, fear, and so on that make it very difficult to think clearly or act rationally. When you have that, I wouldn’t be at all surprised to have quite a few scary incidents in the family history, even if there isn’t a pattern of outright abuse.

Words of wisdom here

 

[Serap]

We had a much more peaceful weekend and a much better behaved boy.

It began with time outs after a warning. At one point, my son said, “I get a warning first right?” lol…although hitting doesn’t get a warning.

They cleaned up their toys when I asked
My son’s aggression was greatly reduced
I was able to be a much happier parent

I set the oven timer for 5 minutes and would tell him each time that once the oven timer went off, he could come out. It was too cute. As soon as the over timer when off, I’d hear these footsteps running out of the room to join us.

He lost his tablet last night for singing teasing songs about his sister. He had probably 10 time outs and he stayed there without me coaxing him with cars and bribes.

He asked about the cars and I told him no more cars bc when I would take away the reward, it would make him really sad. I told him that I would give him a car from time to time to play with. He didn’t seem to mind at all.

I think we are on track. He told me last night at bed time, for the first time in a couple of months, that he really loves me more than he loves his cars. I was really missing the closeness with him and we seem to be getting it back.

I didn’t have to raise my voice…it was great.

I raised my voice at my daughter and apologized afterwards. She has a tendency to whine especially during homework and it drives me bonkers. I need to come up with solutions to stop myself from yelling.

Before bed, we played, “Simon Says” to teach my son the difference between listening and hearing when he’s at school. It was a lot of fun. My daughter really enjoyed it too.

Things are a lot better though!!!