How do I get my son to stop hitting? He's turning 6

[Serap]

One thing the daycare teacher told me is to keep giving different consequences, so my son never knows which consequence he’s going to get.

Good idea?

I believe that hitting has an automatic time out though.

 

[jmjZelie]

That is wonderful news, Serap! I am so glad to hear it.

 

[pensmama87]

One thing the daycare teacher told me is to keep giving different consequences, so my son never knows which consequence he’s going to get.

Good idea?

I believe that hitting has an automatic time out though.

I do think sometimes consequences can grow stale.

I don’t only do time-out, but that is my go-to for behaviors that are seriously unpleasant around others - whining, complaining, hitting, etc. If you can’t behave around other people, you don’t get to be around other people.

I try in some sense to make consequences fit the crime - so if they don’t pick up their toys, I take them and the toys have a “time-out.” Or if they fight over a toy, I take it away. If they haven’t done something they need to do, they can’t move on to the next fun thing until they do it.

I feel like I have a large enough (at least for now) set of things I can do when my children misbehave. Time-out is kind of the last thing (though I have also done straight to bed for the night when it’s evening. I say, “Oh, if you’re having so much trouble listening/being nice/etc you must be so tired you need to go to bed right now.” )

 

[mommy_k]

We had a much more peaceful weekend and a much better behaved boy.

It began with time outs after a warning. At one point, my son said, “I get a warning first right?” lol…although hitting doesn’t get a warning.

They cleaned up their toys when I asked
My son’s aggression was greatly reduced
I was able to be a much happier parent

I set the oven timer for 5 minutes and would tell him each time that once the oven timer went off, he could come out. It was too cute. As soon as the over timer when off, I’d hear these footsteps running out of the room to join us.

He lost his tablet last night for singing teasing songs about his sister. He had probably 10 time outs and he stayed there without me coaxing him with cars and bribes.

He asked about the cars and I told him no more cars bc when I would take away the reward, it would make him really sad. I told him that I would give him a car from time to time to play with. He didn’t seem to mind at all.

I think we are on track. He told me last night at bed time, for the first time in a couple of months, that he really loves me more than he loves his cars. I was really missing the closeness with him and we seem to be getting it back.

I didn’t have to raise my voice…it was great.

I raised my voice at my daughter and apologized afterwards. She has a tendency to whine especially during homework and it drives me bonkers. I need to come up with solutions to stop myself from yelling.

Before bed, we played, “Simon Says” to teach my son the difference between listening and hearing when he’s at school. It was a lot of fun. My daughter really enjoyed it too.

Things are a lot better though!!!

That’s great! Yes, timeouts work especially well with a timer.Our kids would watch the time as it goes by–no debates there. Consistancy is key with time outs.

When the kids get older-time out looks different----as teens can have to stay home and not attend functions and so on when they need discipline for something. So it is a consistant discipline method for over the years too.

All time out is a removal of freedom. And all our children understand this-from our youngest to our 20 year old.

 

[SuperLuigi]

Do you have any children or are you a teacher, teacher’s aide, social worker, psychologist, psychiatrist, or psychiatric nurse, hesso12?

If not, I don’t think you have much to add to this discussion.

This logic doesn’t track at all.

Just another reason not to come on here for advice.

 

[SuperLuigi]

You need to meet my son . He has been spanked, timed out and gone without toys/privileges. For an entire year, he was doing great and recently started up again.

My son is very sensitive and he’s been through a lot of transitions in the last 3 months.

We will overcome this soon, but its great to be able to get ideas from other parents.

Don’t buy too much into that scientific “research”. I just read an article not to long that said not even to put kids in timeout.

 

[SuperLuigi]

That’s great! Yes, timeouts work especially well with a timer.Our kids would watch the time as it goes by–no debates there. Consistancy is key with time outs.

When the kids get older-time out looks different----as teens can have to stay home and not attend functions and so on when they need discipline for something. So it is a consistant discipline method for over the years too.

All time out is a removal of freedom. And all our children understand this-from our youngest to our 20 year old.

Except now “time-outs” are even being criticized…

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

I think giving your son a list of rules would be great. Like on a white board.

Some things I would overlook though. The teasing song for one. Siblings tease each other. My daughter has braces, she had a terrible overbite. My son would call her, “Bucktooth McGee” I called him out on it, and she defended him. She thought it was funny.

Deciding when to intervene often can be the hard part.

 

[Serap]

I think giving your son a list of rules would be great. Like on a white board.

Some things I would overlook though. The teasing song for one. Siblings tease each other. My daughter has braces, she had a terrible overbite. My son would call her, “Bucktooth McGee” I called him out on it, and she defended him. She thought it was funny.

Deciding when to intervene often can be the hard part.

Well this morning my son was teasing his sister singing a song that she’s a “poopie”.

I told him if he didn’t stop, he’d have to go to the other room and not be able to watch TV. My daughter was really upset.

He kept doing it and I followed through. I moved him away from his favourite show, WildKratz.

 

[Serap]

What consequence can you give for refusing to put on shoes? I need help b/c it happened again this morning.

He was mad at me for enforcing a consequence for making fun of his sister after his sister asked him 3 times to stop.

Thanks

Edited to Add: The old me would have smacked his leg to make him cooperate, but I will not spank anymore.

I told him outright that mommy is getting very mad and doesn’t want to spank anymore. I said, “I don’t want to spank you anymore, but I can feel myself getting very angry. If you do not put on your shoes, I will take away your tablet tonight.”

Just as I began to say, “That’s it the tablet is gone!”

He jumped and pushed his foot in the shoe and said, “No mommy!”

I said, “OK…good, let’s go.”

He said, “Can I have my tablet tonight?”

I said, “Yes bc you finally cooperated before I took it away.”

Was that ok?

 

[Mary_Gail_36]

What consequence can you give for refusing to put on shoes? I need help b/c it happened again this morning.

He was mad at me for enforcing a consequence for making fun of his sister after his sister asked him 3 times to stop.

Thanks

Edited to Add: The old me would have smacked his leg to make him cooperate, but I will not spank anymore.

I told him outright that mommy is getting very mad and doesn’t want to spank anymore. I said, “I don’t want to spank you anymore, but I can feel myself getting very angry. If you do not put on your shoes, I will take away your tablet tonight.”

Just as I began to say, “That’s it the tablet is gone!”

He jumped and pushed his foot in the shoe and said, “No mommy!”

I said, “OK…good, let’s go.”

He said, “Can I have my tablet tonight?”

I said, “Yes bc you finally cooperated before I took it away.”

Was that ok?

My son refused to put on his shoes on sunday on our way to Mass. We would be late, so I picked him up without shoes, and put him in the carseat. I had the shoes with me.

He was horrified about going to Mass shoeless and he put them on.

Serap, I just want you to know, I think about you often. I hope I’m not coming across as Super mom. I have thousands of faults and probably as many regrets in my parenting journey. Parenting is hard.

 

[Serap]

My son refused to put on his shoes on sunday on our way to Mass. We would be late, so I picked him up without shoes, and put him in the carseat. I had the shoes with me.

He was horrified about going to Mass shoeless and he put them on.

Serap, I just want you to know, I think about you often. I hope I’m not coming across as Super mom. I have thousands of faults and probably as many regrets in my parenting journey. Parenting is hard.

No problem. Never thought you were Super mom, but definitely a great mom

The thing is that my son is strong and 52 lbs. I have a hard time picking him up, let alone forcing him to walk barefoot. I guess I’ll have to try though

I know he would not want to go out side barefoot for sure.

 

[Serap]

I think you did a great job! I would not be concerned that he needs a consequence for “refusing to put on shoes” he needs a consequence for disobedience. You will go crazy trying to find an appropriate consequence for each offense, I would guess that many of your son’s offenses fall into the category of disobedience.

In fact you can make it simple for him and tell him that he has one set of consequences, one for disobedience, one for back-sass/lying, one for teasing and the most serious one for violence. You get to decide when he does something wrong what category it fits into.

I will offer you this one suggestion though, I would try not to over-explain things to your son. I noticed from your post that you tried to explain to your son why you were mad and that you didn’t want to hit him and I would try and avoid all of that and simply say “You are disobedient your tablet is gone.” I read a book years ago called “Scream Free Parenting” by Howard Runkel. I believe he wrote a Christian version of the book as well and it helped me a lot. It encourages parents to not talk, lecture or scream to their children but implement clear consequences calmly and let the consequences do the talking for them. I examined my own parenting and saw how often I would ramble on and on to my children but I wasn’t really implementing any form of discipline so nothing was changing, no wonder I was exhausted. They key is to remain calm and enforce your consequences firmly but no yelling, lectures or scolding. Simply, “Son you hit your sister you are going to your room for 30 minutes” and that is ALL you say. Don’t respond to crying or negotiate or explain, nothing. Even if your child screams you ignore it. It can be a very freeing experience if you stick to it. Naturally, at times you will want and should have heart to heart talks with your children about life lessons. However when emotions are in high gear is not the time, it took me a long time to learn this. God bless.

Thank you!

I decided to switch from the new Positive Parenting approach and picked up a highly recommended book called, Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child, Revised and Expanded 2nd Edition: Eliminating Conflict by Establishing CLEAR, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries. It follows the same type of process as you described.

It explains that strong willed children simply need MORE discipline, not more yelling and explaining.

Last night, my son was making fun of his sister at school pick-up and I gave him a warning. He then said, “I’m going to take ___'s hat and throw it in the garbage.”

I then said, “You are making fun of ___. No freezie when we get home.”

He lost it and had a meltdown. I would not back down and he hit me right outside the school. I tried to sit him on the steps for a time out and he outright thrashed around and refused.

I said, “Sit on the step for your time out. I will stay here.”

He would not, so after noticing so many eyes on me, I just took his hand and said, “If you will not have your time out here, we will have it at home.”

He kept trashing around and crying all the way home. Ughhh! He hit me twice.

I said nothing. I was so angry and was afraid of what I would say. I walked him straight to his room with his backpack and shoes on, put him in his room and left him there for about 20 minutes.

I go back to the room and he has completely taken my bed apart - pillows, sheets, etc on the floor. I was sooo mad. I made the bed again and told him that if he every did that again, he would lose his cars for 3 days. He kept saying sorry. I was so mad at him that I didn’t ask for help to make my bed. I was genuinely afraid I would smack him hard.

I then turned to him and told him that he was having another time out for what he did to my bed. I then left him there for another 10 minutes.

He was a good boy for the rest of the night. I swear to God, if I don’t kill this kid, I will have wings in Heaven

Any feedback…welcome…I’m still learning effective discipline skills.

 

[alphawoman]

You did well. You kept calm on the outside (even if you were livid!), your actions were consistent with your words, and you followed through effectively with reasonable and proportionate discipline. After a few weeks of maintaining those habits, I predict your son’s behaviour will be radically improved. Good luck!

 

[Serap]

You did well. You kept calm on the outside (even if you were livid!), your actions were consistent with your words, and you followed through effectively with reasonable and proportionate discipline. After a few weeks of maintaining those habits, I predict your son’s behaviour will be radically improved. Good luck!

Thank you. I feel lost and like I’m somehow “faking” it right now.

 

[UbiCaritas]

Something that comes to mind–I wonder, would it be possible to put your son in some sort of physically demanding sport? Running, kickboxing, etc?

The reason I ask this is that he actually reminds me a little of me at his age. Oh, heck, if I’m being fair, he reminds me a little of me today.

When I get really angry or stressed, it’s like my words don’t work. I have to work it out physically. As a kid, I’d sometimes hit my sisters because they’d aggravate me, and I didn’t know how to handle it. (Doesn’t excuse the behavior, just explains it.) Even today, if I’m overwhelmed with stress, the toddler’s screaming/whining and DH asks me a simple question like “What setting should I put the dryer on?” or “Where are the other diapers?” I’m not really able to answer; all I can do is go do it myself because I can’t think of the words to explain how to do a simple action. It will have nothing to do with DH per se, and everything to do with the 5-10 little aggravations that have occurred over the course of the day.

As an adult, the best thing for me is taking the time to do a hard workout most days. I’ve figured out how to juggle time so that I can go for a brisk walk/run in the mornings and also do ab and weight work. On days I do this, I can control irritation a lot easier, and I can handle it more calmly before many small irritations build up into explosive rage.

In a pinch, perhaps you could you tell him to run up and down the stairs in your house ten or twenty times, or something like that?

 

[Serap]

Something that comes to mind–I wonder, would it be possible to put your son in some sort of physically demanding sport? Running, kickboxing, etc?

The reason I ask this is that he actually reminds me a little of me at his age. Oh, heck, if I’m being fair, he reminds me a little of me today.

When I get really angry or stressed, it’s like my words don’t work. I have to work it out physically. As a kid, I’d sometimes hit my sisters because they’d aggravate me, and I didn’t know how to handle it. (Doesn’t excuse the behavior, just explains it.) Even today, if I’m overwhelmed with stress, the toddler’s screaming/whining and DH asks me a simple question like “What setting should I put the dryer on?” or “Where are the other diapers?” I’m not really able to answer; all I can do is go do it myself because I can’t think of the words to explain how to do a simple action. It will have nothing to do with DH per se, and everything to do with the 5-10 little aggravations that have occurred over the course of the day.

As an adult, the best thing for me is taking the time to do a hard workout most days. I’ve figured out how to juggle time so that I can go for a brisk walk/run in the mornings and also do ab and weight work. On days I do this, I can control irritation a lot easier, and I can handle it more calmly before many small irritations build up into explosive rage.

In a pinch, perhaps you could you tell him to run up and down the stairs in your house ten or twenty times, or something like that?

Never thought of that. We try to play a physical game together every night to help him get it all out.

Last night, we played Simon Says with a lot of physical things like hop on one knee, jog on the spot, etc. The three of us had a good giggle in the process.

My son and I also built a ferry boat out of some cardboard packaging bc that is what he wanted to do with me. I let him take the lead in creativity. Even though I didn’t agree with his methods, I let him problem solve to put it together.

I too am like you when I’m stressed and I often say, “I don’t care!” in response to requests in I’m in flight vs. flight…not good.

I need to work out everyday at lunch time, so I can cope. I have great abs though

 

[Elena321]

You need to seek a psychological evaluation of your son now…all you are doing now is empowering him with what he sees as your weakness to use stern discipline…of course he doesn’t take his aggression out at school because he knows he’d probably get a butt whuppin’…you mamby pambying him with a points system is playing you for a sucker…keep that up and by the time he’s a teenager you and your daughter will be the ones getting a butt whuppin’…sorry…not trying to sound cruel…I worked in a psychiatric hospital and saw the results of how ineffective a points system is…get him help now or regret it later…God bless

In response to this:
Assuming you worked in an adult Psychiatric Hospital then of course a points system would have been ineffective with adults because it would have been infantilising them,patronising them and stripping them of their dignity,respect and autonomy as adults.
Adults in a Psychatric Hospital (regardless of their illness manifestations) should never have been treated the same way as children with behavioural issues.

OP:Have you checked if your son has Autism or anything else that could make him unable to have empathy or not understand how his actions affect others?
Personally i would first find out if the issue is medical (not his intent) or if the issue is just a very naughty child and then i would take it from there.
H needs a very gentle,compassionate approach if it is Autism (or other medical) and a firm,consistent,discipline approach if hes just a extra naughty child.
Have you tried explaining to him that even when mummy is “naughty” at work there are consequences for her?

 

[Viki63]

A brief comment on the shoe problem, as there is a lot of good general advice on here.
My son, at around two, two and a half, would take off his shoes when he got mad, usually in the car or the store. He finally did it one winter, with snow on the ground, and I just let him walk bare footed from the car to the house (not far, just up the driveway). He complained it was cold!
As I recall he stopped taking his shoes off after that. Natural consequences.

.

 

[slh3016]

I’ve been following this thread for a few days and here are some observations/questions I’ve made and some possible suggestions:

1. Does your child get a “freezie” every night? If so, I’d cut this out immediately. He should only get one for exemplary behavior and they should be very infrequent.
2. How is your child’s diet? What does it consist of? Many foods contain chemicals or preservatives that react within people differently. Sugar is one of the biggest culprits (hence removing the freezy suggestion above).
3. It sounds like you are driving yourself crazy trying to control/manipulate his behavior (a/k/a behavior modification) when it seems that your child’s heart needs to be reached. On some deeper level, he needs to understand WHY we shouldn’t hit. Basically, put the fear of God in him. Does he know or understand about sin? If he’s turning 6, he will have First Communion in the next year or so so I would think you need to start having conversations with him about this now.
4. Does your child having any learning disabilities that he is disguising with aggressive behavior? Is there a way to have this tested? I would definitely seek out all resources for testing for learning and behavioral disabilities including autism. Speak to his pediatrician, too.
5. Is there a male role model in his life that spend one-on-one time with him? I remember my husband and son doing a lot of playful “rough housing” at that age to release energy
6. How much one-on-one time is he getting with you? Do you read to him? Could this become a special time with you that he enjoys?
7. Honestly, I’d take away all media until this issue is resolved because tablet play and gaming activate parts of the brain that release chemicals (dopamine and seratonin are two that I recall). These chemicals control your pleasure sensations and if you are addicted to them from constant release, it is much easier to get frustrated when you experience displeasure and/or not getting your way (i.e, think of a drug addict having withdrawals and how angry they get).

Again, these are are just observations/questions/suggestions based upon information given.