B
Bob_Crowley
Guest
I became a Christian in the formal, believing sense in late 1982. But it was also not a particularly good time for me - I was going through a divorce, didn’t have a job, had to sell the home we had, and was living with Mum. I also have a bit of a disability (hard fo hearing - moderate to severe loss), which has always made it a bit difficult to socialise.
I’d also had a a mongrel of a father, who deliberately set out to destroy my confidence over a period of 20 years, and pretty well succeeded. “Fortunately” he was dead by that time, having died nearly 4 years before. Just as an aside, I still remember after his funeral when we were having a drink at the Gaythorne RSL, when I felt what almost seemed to be a spiritual dead weight being lifted off my shoulders, as though this ever present Damocles sword had been lifted, and I was free! I still remember it - it was quite noticeable.
Not what you should say about your father, but that’s the way it was. I hated his guts.
It was actually a relief that he was gone, and out of my life, and the lives of the rest of the family! That’s how I felt then, and to be honest, unless he’d made a profound and permanent change in his attitude, I wouldn’t want him back again. Because all he’d do would be to turn everything to hell around him…
My self esteem was at rock bottom, or close to it. Things improved a few months later when I got a job, I started to get to know the young people in the church
But a bit over a year later, I was at what we call a Scripture Union Beach Mission. I was once again struggling somewhat, as the divorce was finalised, the house was sold, I’d recently been chewed out by the boss, and I was feeling out of my depth in this particular environment, being a new Christian, without much confidence and so on. I was also surrounded by younger people who had far more confidence, far more Christian tradition in their backgrounds, and who would have had experienced only a small fraction of the frustration I’d been through up to that point. Frankly, they wouldn’t have had a clue.
So I was wondering “How do I know this is all true, and not just a psychological prop!” My attitude was not one of “God loves me!”, but “How do I even know your’e even there, and why should I believe You give a stuff??”
Anyway we normally had a daily daily Bible Study sessions for “mission leaders” run by the overall camp leader. Now the weather is hot around Christmas - New Year over here, and since we sitting under a marquis (large tent), it was quite soporific. I was half dozing, half fuming. It was also the hottest time of day, around 3pm.
But as the camp leader read from an Old Testament passage referring to King David, he quoted the words, “… a man after my own heart …”. Precisely as he did so, this “double whammy” hit me, like a breath going through you in waves from head to foot. It was very pronounced, very noticeable (by me, but nobody else), and it made unmistakeably clear that God existed, He knew my state of mind and that He cared.
Needless to say, my attitude lifted from that time on, at least for the rest of the camp.
Now there have been negative occurrences since then, but in light of that “double whammy” and two more that I had in the succeeding months (and none since - God’s not a chatter box), I’m well aware God exists. Incidentally in a few months we move an immense distance through the universe - a miliion miles a day just around the sun alone for example. But on each occasion, God knew precisely where to find me, and how to highlight a phrase each time that someone else was saying, without a single other person knowing. He’s there all right, and He knows us, despite the fact we’re cosmic dust in universe terms.
Now I don’t have an answer to all the evil and suffering in the world, particularly in view of the fact it’s obviously part of God’s plan, or it wouldn’t be there.
But I know from personal experience he’s there.
What I hope for in your case is a direct experience of God’s presence. Maybe you should ask Him point blank for something similar to what I had. He’s not deaf, and He’ll know what you’re asking for.
And perhaps you’re a “man after God’s heart”, but like David, going through a very dry, prolonged, frustrating spell hiding in the desert, and feeling like you’re all washed up. I think that’s how Moses would have felt for 40 years on the backside of the desert. Sheep, dust, heat, and no sense of any real future.
But then one day a burning bush spoke to him, out of nowhere.
