Hi, I am married , and have a problem reacting quickly in anger , often to my husband. And
he is getting EXTREMELY tired of putting up with it.
I know that because I get worried about little things ( I can’t find this or that, and blame it on
my husband for not putting it away) or worried about his lack of manners in front of company and what they will think.
Sometimes, I know I"M RIGHT about certain things, and I’ll criticize him for things.
He is a WONDERFUL husband, and we’ve been getting along pretty good lately. It’s just
that once in a while I slip and say something (usually I feel justified) but I usually belabor the point. He is saying he can’t* live* like that anymore.
And I am afraid I must change, or else. REALLY, he’s serious.
My problem is, I do get excited over little things. It’s hard to let go. I don’t want to lose my husband over this.
Has anyone been through this, and has any advice? It’s real hard to change, because it just
happens so fast.
It happens so fast means that you have a habit that kicks in before the decision-making part of your brain can kick in.
I know couples who have “code words” to cut this off at the pass. One couple says, “it is after 4:30” as their code word for, “at least one of us is too tired for this conversation to do one bit of good.” Another says, “canoe”–just a random code word–to mean that the spouse saying he or she is feeling attacked. Personal attacks and defensiveness in response are the killers of marital communication and, in the end, the killers of marriages.
Do not make this code word into a code for “I am right and you are wrong.” It needs to be a code for “your tactic is not working because I am feeling upset with you right now or attacked by you right now and so it does not matter who is right or who is wrong.”
Also, consider that you have used up your bank account of critical feedback. Marriage researchers have estimated that it takes a ratio of five times as much positive feedback as negative feedback if the target of the criticism isn’t going to conclude that the critical person is simply too hard to please to make it worth trying to please him or her. That is also the ratio coaches have come to be told by sports psychologists. It may seem very high, but it works.
IOW, you need to do far more than to simply learn to control your temper. You need to fill up the empty bank account of gratitude with your husband. If it is not nice or if it is a left-handed compliment, don’t say it. If a positive thought about your husband presents itself to you, though–
say it!! Say, “That was a nice conversation…thank you.” Say, “I so didn’t want to load the dishwasher…thank you.” Say, “I know a lot of other mothers get stuck getting the kids ready for school all by themselves…thank you for not doing that to me.” And so on. I’m sure once you get into the habit, you’ll get to be quite good at it.
I would also suggest checking out books on communication in marriage by John Gottman et al. The library is likely to have them. His specialty is teaching couples how to make complaints that are not personal attacks. That kind of communication leads to dialogue, honest counter-feedback, lowering of defenses, compromises that both parties can truly feel good about, and a mutual feeling of trust and appreciation.
Your husband has let you know your marriage is at a crisis point. You are very right to take him at his word. I know at least one woman who did not. She’s been divorced now. She just wouldn’t believe that her husband felt as hurt as he said he felt. Now he’s gone and she’s alone.
I found that I have a superiority complex, which I directly attribute to the dysfunctional family life I grew up in. In my efforts to elevate myself in my own eyes (after a childhood of always being shamed and put down), my mission was to unfairly belittle my husband.