How do i stop resenting my sister

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TarAshly

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hi all. well heres the deal. i love my sister very much but the decisions she made in her life deeply effected my family. in fact it destroyed it in part. my mother and my grandmother no longer speak to each other and my grandmother has been given about 6 months to live and they still wont speak to one another. she lied to everyone, my grandparents (who she stole from) my parents my brother and me. we all gave her money and she lied about what she did with it. its an absolute miracle shes not in jail. it was all because she got mixed up with the WRONG guy. she was using drugs and stealing. then she got pregnant by him. we hadnt heard from her in months and all of a sudden she calls and asks me for money. i send it too her and i ask her why she says shes pregnant and she needs to see a doctor. i told her i would send her money for a bus ticket home if she would leave this guy there. i told her i would send her back after thanksgiving (last year) or buy the guy a bus ticket to move down here. she hung up the phone and i lost her. i tracked her down with the internet and cell phone numbers etc… and called her and told her that i would convince my parents to allow her and the guy to live with us until they got on their feet again. i sent my sister her bus tickect and promised the guy that if he would just let her spend thanksgiving with her family i would mail his the day after thanksgiving. well the holiday went nice. then the day came. i told my sister that i had to lie to get her home. that my parents said the guy couldnt come live with us and that i would never send him a dime. she flipped out on me. she couldnt understand that i did it because i loved her, and that she had been down the same path with drugs before and i wasnt willing to destroy my family again. continued…
 
TarAshly, honey, why don’t you cut to the chase and tell us what you want us to say, so that we don’t waste time giving you advice which you will just reject and get huffy about anyway!
 
so after weeks of fighting with the guy, him threatining my life and my families, my sister agreed to let him go. 7 months later she gave birth (on time) to a beautiful healthy baby girl who is the absolute joy of my life. my sister is an incredible mom and has stayed clean. im so proud of her. the problem is that the continues to perpetuate the idea that she is completely innocent. that she never stole money, she never helped her boyfriend break into my grandmothers house, and she was never on drugs. its a rediculous lie that has divided my family beyond belief. my mother wont speak to her parents (she was living with them at the time) and my brother and i cannot convince my mom that my sister is a liar and a manipulator. she infuriates me with her lies. my family is destroyed. everytime my mother and i fight its because of her. my sister still resents me for lieing to save her life ( i would do it again in a heartbeat) i cant explain to her that i was doing to protect her and my unborn niece. she mooches off of my parents, and they support her and the baby. shes a great mom dont get me wrong. but she wont grow up and support herself. shes been completely awful to me throughout the entire wedding proccess and i just know that shes going to do something on that day to cause problems. i love my sister but i dont like her. i need to know how to prepare a relationship damaged by years of jealousy on both sides, hurt feelings, constant competetion, and anger.
 

. she mooches off of my parents, and they support her and the baby. shes a great mom dont get me wrong. but she wont grow up and support herself.​

First of all, it’s your parent’s problem, that they choose to support her. I suggest you butt out before you make matters worse. Kicking someone while they are down is not the way to solve the problem.
Your sister is “down”. She has tackled a drug problem and is on her own with a child. What do you want her to do? By you throwing her past in her face over and over is going to make her think,"…what’s the point in trying to be different?"
My two cents, take it or leave it.
 
I will pray for you and all your family.

I know this may sound bizarre, but I truly think that the best thing you can do now for your family would be to stop trying to help anyone to see that your sister has made errors that they refuse to accept. Continue to love her, love your mother, love your grandmother and when someone says something unkind (even if it’s true) about another member of the family, immediately go into mental prayer, asking God to protect your family. Watch your words, that you do not also join in talking about the sins of others.

If someone asks you if something they are currently doing is right or wrong, tell them, but be extremely cautious. From what you describe, your family is well wrapped in the web of confusion. When things are in this state, right appears wrong and Sin appears to be correct. This is family you’re working with, and you need to develop a degree of detachment that will prevent you from reacting rather than acting. Prayer is the best way to prevent yourself from continuing in the patterns that are probably very well engrained in you.

Remember, ultimately, you can only control yourself, not the other members of your family. But if you find the fullness of peace and Love which can only come from Christ and following all His Laws (as we’ve said elsewhere), you will find them changing in response to your changes.

And know that Christ did not come to bring Peace but to divide families. So, if they don’t follow you to Christ immediately, and I suspect they may not, keep praying. Create in your own home an example of what it means to Love and Serve Our Lord. Do it to the best of your ability. Honestly examine your own life and spend your time and energy on that, first and foremost.

You are about to commit to the vocation of Marriage. Your husband deserves all your Love. If you are spending too much time focused on the family of your parents, you will be neglecting him.

I am glad you managed to get your sister out of what you describe as a TERRIBLE situation. Pray also for the father of your beautiful niece. He will forever be her father, regardless of whether he supports her, or even acknowledges her. Some day she will begin to see some of her mother’s traits in herself and she may begin to wonder if various aspects of who she is came from her dad. If he is only spoken of in disparaging terms, this will affect her self-image. Help her to always respect her mother and father, for the mere fact that they are her mother and father.

God Bless you Tar and your family,

CARose
 
Someone’s going to have to have a change in attitude for a relationship to be ironed out…and since you are the person seeking Christ, it’s most likely gonna have to be you. You are going to have to be the bigger one.

You sound like you have a bit of anger toward the situation. Ask God to help you with the anger.

Don’t assume she is going to be a problem at your wedding. You cause your own worries taking on that one.

And you commented that she has been awful to you during the wedding process. Maybe your expectations of the weeding process and how people are supposed to be treating you are too lofty? It is an wonderful thing to be getting married and is solely important to you right now. But remember, your sister has issues in her life that are equally important to her. Your wedding, while important, may not be her top issue. Maybe you are just expecting her to deliver more than she can.
 
i think i misrepresented my problem i apologize. the problem is that whenever my sister and i fight my mother always takes her side, and then my mom and i fight because im fighting with my sister. my mother asks me all the time why im not close with her and i cant explain to her that i dont want her to end up manipulating me too. i have never EVER mentioned my sisters past to her. my only problem is she lies and lies and lies and makes the situation a million times worse than it needs to be. i cant trust her, she rude, and greedy and selfish, and i just dont like the way she treats my parents or anyone else in my family. how do you get around not liking your own sister. i would lay down my life for her i love her so much, but to be honest outside of family functions i dont like spend that much time with her. which is difficult because shes dating my soon to be husbands best friend. i wish i could enjoy being around her. anyone else have a similar problem in your family?
 
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jrabs:
And you commented that she has been awful to you during the wedding process. Maybe your expectations of the weeding process and how people are supposed to be treating you are too lofty? It is an wonderful thing to be getting married and is solely important to you right now. But remember, your sister has issues in her life that are equally important to her. Your wedding, while important, may not be her top issue. Maybe you are just expecting her to deliver more than she can.
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again i misrepresented that problem. with that the problem is she interupts my mom and me when ever we are talking about it. she got blood on my wedding dress and acted like it was no big deal, she refused to go get fitted for her bridesmaids dress and has now said shes not sure if shes going to show up the morning of the wedding because it depends on if she feels like it. she didnt show to my shower so it wouldnt surprise me.

CARose: i love what you said about my nieces father. it will be hard to show respect to him, he is the scum of the earth in my eyes, however i do remember my mother talking so bad about my father and everyone around me did. so when someone would say “you look just like you daddy, or you are just like your daddy” it would make me so mad, even though they meant it as a complement. i would never put my niece through that. thanks for the good advice.
 
Why do you need to fight with your sister? Aren’t you both adults? I have a brother who mistreats my parents and irritates me crazy mad, however, I avoid by leaving the room and not placing myself in temptation’s way. I bit my toungue- and murmur to myself later, where it cannot cause harm. Or I find an excuse to leave and go home to avoid conflict.

Course, I’ve learned this the hard way by laying into him for years. But, once again, I reiterate…I am the one seeking a relationship with God. I am the one who needs to control myself becuase I now know, with the help of the Holy Spirit, that this is what I must do.

You are the one who is going to have to deal. Do not look for her to change. Whatever change you bring to the table, it will affect her in a positive way and you may be pleasantly surprised by her reaction.
 
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jrabs:
Need a conversion, go Green Scapular
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Jrabs, thanks for your tag, and Tar, thanks for your thread and all that you’re sharing regarding the challenges you’re encountering with your family.

I also have a difficult relationship with my sister, and I’ve been concerned about being with everyone at Thanksgiving. I’ve also been wondering what I can add to everyone’s Christmas gifts that might have a spiritual benefit. Green Scapular it is! I think I will sprinkle them liberally about the family when I’m down there. Last year it was the bracelet rosaries I make. I shared them with my nephews (twin boys, they got one in Yellow and one in bright Green to match their favorite Power Ranger), my nieces (including the two daughters of my sister, she’s no longer even a practicing Catholic), I gave my mothers rosary to my sister in the hope that she would see how worn it is and come to appreciate that in her time, my mom must have prayed a few Rosaries we didn’t know about. I also gave a couple to my sister-in-laws parents who were in town when my daughter and I were visiting. They’re fighting over who gets the “nicer” silver one, so I’m making a new one so he will give his wife back the one I made for her. 🙂

Families are a challenge, but the primary way for us to change our family dynamics is to change ourselves. And when that doesn’t work, look in the mirror and keep working on the problems you see. Bite your tongue, refuse to issue harsh words on others, only acknowledge anothers faults if they request it, and when you’re dealing with family, even when they say they want to know, proceed with caution. Do NOT look for opportunities to HELP them see their own errors or the errors of others.

If she interrupts you while you’re talking to your mom, first, before you react, say a prayer, perhaps the Prayer to St. Michael the Archangel.

St. Michael, the Archangel protect us in battle,

be our defense against the wickedness
and snares of the devil.
May God rebuke him we humbly pray,
and do thou Oh Prince of the Heavenly Host,
cast into Hell Satan
and all the evil spirits
who prowl about the world seeking the ruin of souls.

I would also like to recommend that you begin to pray the Rosary daily. You will find that more than any other activity, this will bring you the most peace in your life. Mary is a mother unlike any other. She will teach you to pray and as you learn to trust her guidance, she will lead you to incorporating the Fullness of the Truth into your life.

As you grow to know and Love Mary in a way that exceeds our human capacity, you will begin to understand that truly all things are possible through Christ. And perhaps you will begin to understand what is meant by “Honor Thy Mother”, for we are meant to follow Christ in all He did, and certainly we see that He followed all the Ten Commandments, including this one.

Honor your spiritual Mother and you may find it easier to not fight with your natural mother. My mother passed away 11 yrs ago, but I still remember the pain of not being understood by someone who held such an important place in my heart. Through Mary I have learned to hug my mom and love her in ways I had forgotten how to do.

I pray that before your mother passes, that you forgive her for not appreciating the beautiful, kind and loving daughter that you are. We aren’t daughters for the purpose of being the recipients of tons of love, although this is appreciated and appropriate. We are daughters because our parents, as human beings, are also on the road towards salvation. As their children, we naturally present to them the challenges they need to overcome on that path. Pray for your mother, that she may come to know the you that you strive to be. And keep looking in the mirror to ensure you give her ample opportunity to see the you that God has made you to be.
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Tar, your life is busy and complicated. Offer up all these challenges to the God who accepts the sacrifice of a humble and contrite spirit. He doesn’t want burnt offerings, He wants each of us to be Humble and to Love even the least of us as we would love Him.

I’m sorry that the beauty you inherited from your father has caused you pain. And I’m glad that you have taken that pain and learned that you do not desire to continue the cycle of harm that you endured. Christ has truly spoken to your heart, or you wouldn’t be coming here, seeking answers to some extremely difficult questions.

Again, I will pray for you and yours, as well as all others who, in reading this thread see their own challenges in the troubles shared here.

CARose
 
Tar,

Don’t worry about your sister…she’ll be fine. You have a lot to deal with already with your wedding and all.

I have a sister that I don’t like. She made really bad choices, divorced her husband who has brain damage from an accident because she didn’t want to take care of him (which i find almost unforgivable), and she uses her daughter as a pawn to get money. When i lived with her, to help her with my neice, she went out everynight and made me take care of her daughter (i was in my last year of highschool and had to work double hard to get my homework done and take care of a child). Finally, I moved away. She whines about how she never gets a break and we give her suggestions, support, money and she does nothing for herself.

As you can see, a similar situation. Basically, after fighting my conscience and heart, I decided that just because you don’t like your sister doesn’t mean you don’t love them. You can love your sister but you don’t hav eto like her at all. I help her when i can, especially for my niece’s sake, but i don’t like her and her actions. Just be the sister, help her out when she needs it, but let her know that you are disappointed by the way she has been acting (ie> lying, stealing, manipulating). She’ll deny it all, but she will listen to every word you say and take it to heart…that may bring about a willingness to change. You just have to be there when it happens.
 
Coming from a difficult, manipulative relationship with a sibling, I realize knowing the right thing to do and actually doing it can be a huge challenge. One thing I realized was that my sibling was very insecure to the point of being jealous/resentful that my life was on track and his was always on the verge of being out of control.

Instead of being smug in this realization or wounded by your sister’s conduct and the confused reaction of your family, allow some charity and pity to take hold. This girl’s life is a disaster–and don’t think she doesn’t know it. You may well have everything she wants (a stable life, fiancee, etc). Allow yourself some space from her. You have no obligation to run into a brick wall again and again. Your fiance I"m sure would welcome some breaks from this chaos no matter what friend your sister’s dating.

When you are with her try and keep it positive. Ask about the things that she’s doing right (being a good mom, getting away from drugs, etc.). As far as her part in your wedding–she may try and throw a fit to drum up some more attention. Don’t indulge her. Treat her as you would a 2 year old–don’t get angry or reward ridiculous tantrums. Stay unemotional in your conversations. Present her with the facts and if she won’t cooperate, tell her that’s her choice and you’ll miss her participation very much. End of dicussion. And please give up the hope of convincing your mother what a nightmare she is–that’s never a winning strategy.

I kow how exhausting this can be inside even if you keep it together on the outside. Remember all your blessings and put your focus there. Her conduct is not your responsibility and when you finally accept that you won’t believe what a burden is lifted!
 

i think i misrepresented my problem i apologize. the problem is that whenever my sister and i fight my mother always takes her side, and then my mom and i fight because im fighting with my sister​

Tar, she’s the weaker sibling. Of course your mom will feel the need to “protect” her. Maybe your mother feels guilty about the way your sister turned out?
 
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CARose:
Families are a challenge, but the primary way for us to change our family dynamics is to change ourselves.
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Great post through and through. Good insight.
 
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jrabs:
Great post through and through. Good insight.
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I second that. 👍 The responses (especially from CARose and IslandOak) are thoughtful, spiritual, and kind. There is a lot of wisdom here–much of it the result of people’s own experience.
 
Thanks for all the great advice guys! im enjoying reading other peoples experiances with this. i dont know if this is relevant but those of you that said you experianced similiar problems with your sibs… were they the middle and you the older or what? i’ve often read that birth order has a lot to do with it.
 
My mom and I aren’t very close. She insists that she does things for my brothers and I that never happen, and refuses to help us financially. My dad has been the sole supporter of us since I was around 12.

I have a hard time understanding why she does the things she does. I have always struggled with anger and resentment, but am getting better at dealing with the betrayal i feel. This may sound crude, but instead of sitting there wondering why she does things that seem contrary to maternal instinct, i look at her as spiritually and in other ways sick. Instead, i pray for her. No doubt your sister is still coping with everything that has happened to her in the last few years. Maybe you could try praying for her wellbeing-emotional, spiritual, etc. It’s hard to understand why sick people do things the way they do. Pray for her healing.
 
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