How do I tell my future spouse that I am not a virgin

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curiousgrace

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Ok so here it goes… I am a female in my late twenties and am single. I believe that I am being called to the married life. I met this really nice gentleman at Church several months ago who is a few years older than me. I was quickly drawn to him (physically attracted in a non-sexual way). He is kind and considerate and I have been noticing that my respect for him has been immensely growing. He has just recently left the seminary after being there for several years.

Well, I feel there is a possibility that he may like me too based on our communication. I may be thinking too far ahead, however, one thing that really concerns me is IF he would like to begin courtship, how exactly I can tell him that I am not a virgin. I reverted back to the Catholic faith on my own last year after being raised in a non-practicing Catholic family and after living a very wordly life. I am immensely ashamed of my past sins, however, am learning to forgive myself as I do physically and spiritually feel that the good Lord has forgiven me providing that I live a chaste life to which I have been since I have reverted back to the faith. By passing this judgment onto myself I know that by doing so I am underestimating God’s mercy thus not trusting Him and I know this is exactly what satan wants.

Could you please help me with the following questions:
  1. Does he have a right to know all of my sins in the past? (e.g. how many partners I have been with - as there have been a few since I was 18) etc.
  2. How could I approach this with him; and when during the courtship should I tell him? Will he quite point blank ask me if I am a virgin?
  3. In your opinion, does the fact that I am not a virgin mean that I would not deserve him as much as another woman who is a virgin does?
Thank you so much for your time and God bless.
 
If it were me, I would let your friendship develop to a point that you do ask one another about past relationships and just be frank and sincere about the past and what you hope for the future ,where you are at with your faith now.
God bless and all the best ,I’ll remember you in mass.
 
curiousgrace said:
Does he have a right to know all of my sins in the past? (e.g. how many partners I have been with - as there have been a few since I was 18) etc.
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Only after he proposes to you or you two discuss marriage in a serious way. You don’t have to give him all the details because he may think you remember all those guys because you have feelings for them. Just say you lived an active sexual life and went to many parties and if he wants to know more you tell him if you two are openly discussing marriage between you two. Otherwise just for dating you owe yourself respect for giving up fun and choose God so you shouldn’t in any way feel inferior to him or guilty in front of him. As you probably have confessed your sins by now, if God forgave you you have no need to feel guilty anymore. Stand back up and life a good life. I heard I saying that not even the devil can hold back confessed sins. If you haven’t confessed them, start with doing that before dating again.
curiousgrace said:
How could I approach this with him; and when during the courtship should I tell him? Will he quite point blank ask me if I am a virgin?
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He won’t ask you directly if he truly is the gentle man you think he is. You should tell him if he proposes to you.
curiousgrace said:
In your opinion, does the fact that I am not a virgin mean that I would not deserve him as much as another woman who is a virgin does?
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No, as I said in my first question, not even the devil has the power to hold back against you sins you have confessed. There are many big women saints who lived a promiscuous life and stood back up and only looked forward at the Father who wants you come home to Him.
 
curiousgrace said:
Does he have a right to know all of my sins in the past? (e.g. how many partners I have been with - as there have been a few since I was 18) etc.
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No, he doesn’t have a right to know.
curiousgrace said:
How could I approach this with him; and when during the courtship should I tell him? Will he quite point blank ask me if I am a virgin?
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Tell him when you feel comfortable doing so. No one can know if he will ask you.
curiousgrace said:
In your opinion, does the fact that I am not a virgin mean that I would not deserve him as much as another woman who is a virgin does?
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The fact that you aren’t a virgin doesn’t mean you deserve him any less. This is something to be cautious of - if he or any other man says otherwise, I would just move on. You don’t need to apologise for what you have already been forgiven for.
 
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curiousgrace said:
In your opinion, does the fact that I am not a virgin mean that I would not deserve him as much as another woman who is a virgin does?
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By what you´ve said, it seems like you have repented this sin - so from there on it´s nothing more to worry about. People make mistakes. Maybe he is a virgin, but he do probably have quite some other sins bugging him. Just because you fell into that sin, and he might didn´t doesn´t by any mean show that he is a better person than you.

To bring up an example; Personally, I´m a virgin - BUT I struggle with pride. To any means, being prideful might grow in such a way that makes it at least as bad as fornication. So, I still have plenty of sins I need to repent. Your friend probably has it the same way.

We are all sinners, but some of us are more aware of our own trespasses rather than others. So please don´t think about you not deserving him, because as long as your intentions are pure - which they are - you deserve him just like anyone else.
 
If he asks you point-blank, then tell the truth. It will set you free no matter how it all turns out.

He may never ask. He may not care either way. He might not want to know. He might not be a virgin either and doesn’t want you to judge him, or doesn’t want to go into the reasons why. He may simply assume that a late twentysomething has had sex.

You’re under no obligation to start the conversation, however.
 
I’ll try to answer your questions in order:
  1. Obviously differences of opinion exist. I would say it’s fair for him to know that you’re not a virgin as well as a few details. For example if your encounters were within any committed relationships or more one off sort of things. I also think he especially deserves to know if you’re still friends with/talk to any of those guys.
  2. It seems that for most people they feel the need to tell their partner all their “stuff” pretty early after dating. It’s part of making sure the person really knows who you are and that they want to date you anyway. People seem to just naturally do it as it “gets serious”. Just be honest, or say you’re not going to say xyz detail. If you’re not honest about it you’re going to cause issues, and it’ll be hard for him to trust you.
You may also need to be ready to learn he’s not as perfect as you think he is. If he’s not that, will make your life easier in this way (being equally yoked and all) but harder in others.
  1. No. Absolutely not. However, it may be that he wants to be with someone who saved herself for him. That’s for him to decide. Personally, I think that’s a valid choice, as long as he himself has been pure (otherwise it’s pretty sexist and you should run anyway lol).
Another thing. Our society glorifies sex. Says that sex is liberating. Along with that they say that you shouldn’t care about the sexual history of your partner. But you know what, we do care. It’s human nature. It doesn’t make someone a bad person if your sexual history causes them some distress. Above all I think it’s important to be honest, and give him a fair amount of time to adjust. Don’t fall into the trap of making him the bad guy for feeling pain at your news. He may have questions. Be patient and understanding.

Note: All of this is a 22 yo guy’s opinion, who’s been in that guy’s position before. Older guys might feel different (unfortunately the older you both get the more history you expect).
 
As a man I use assume that every woman I meet isn’t unless they’re a nun

I don’t see how it’s any of his business or why it would matter. Is Paul worse than someone like mother Angelica because Paul had a past? I don’t think so
 
curiousgrace said:
Does he have a right to know all of my sins in the past? (e.g. how many partners I have been with - as there have been a few since I was 18) etc.
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No, he does not. That is between you and your confessor. If you were to have an incurable STD Or something else of that nature, then yes he would certainly need to know.
curiousgrace said:
How could I approach this with him; and when during the courtship should I tell him?
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I don’t think sexual history is something to talk about until you are pretty far along in a relationship, such as discussing marriage and family. My husband and I did create a list of deal breakers and exchange it with each other. We did that pretty early on because we were long distance and therefore it was very expensive and time-consuming for us to date. I think at some point you do need to discuss deal breakers, and I kind of liked exchanging the list because we were able to Review them on our own. And then discuss anything that we thought was an issue.
 
Hi, absolutely. I understand what you are saying here. Thank you for your response. I guess because I believe that saving yourself for your Catholic spouse is the most beautiful gift you can give to your special other. I don’t mean to be sexist but as a woman and the giver of life with God, I feel that I should have guarded this, this was my honour that I have stripped away. He has every right to walk away from me. It will hurt me bad but I have no other option.
 
curiousgrace said:
  • Will he quite point blank ask me if I am a virgin?
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I sure hope not. How rude! But if he does, then I suggest an answer such as “I’ve made mistakes in my past, and I’ve sacramentally confessed those mistakes”.

For some men, this is a dealbreaker. I hope it’s not a case for him. Remember everyone is entitled to their deal breakers. I had a guy refuse to date me because I was not a cradle Catholic. I thought that was completely stupid. But that was his prerogative.
curiousgrace said:
In your opinion, does the fact that I am not a virgin mean that I would not deserve him as much as another woman who is a virgin does?
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Absolutely not. We all sin. You need to get over the idea that this is some kind of egregious sin that’s worse than any other sin. You need to make sure that you have respect for yourself, and you do not view yourself in a derogatory way such as “used” or “less” or “dirty”. If you feel this way about yourself because of a sexual history, you need to get some counseling.

And if he feels that way about you, run do not walk in the other direction.
 
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That was interesting, thank you for sharing that with me. In regards to the deal breaker list - do you mean it had on there things you wouldn’t accept from that person? Mine would probably have things such as ‘smoker’, ‘drug-user’, ‘gambler’, ‘alcoholic’ etc. Are those kind of things what you had on there?Were you open to forgiving your husband for his past if there was anything bad as long as he put it behind him and did not commit those sins again?
 
I’m going to be frank here and probably some people will disagree with me but whatever, it’s really not that big of a deal. Most people aren’t virgins before they get married. And based on some marriages I’ve seen just because they were virgins doesn’t mean that the marriage worked out.

As a man I wouldn’t want to be with a virgin who thinks she’s better than other women because she never had sex. I think think you’re too hard on yourself. Besides, for all you know he probably isn’t a virgin either. I think you ought to go to counseling or spiritual direction because when your self esteem starts being affected, that’s not from God.
 
curiousgrace said:
In regards to the deal breaker list - do you mean it had on there things you wouldn’t accept from that person?
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Yes. We actually made two lists a dealbreaker list and a must-have list. My deal breakers were also things like smoker, drug use, heavy drinker, etc. But there were other things too, such as how we viewed finances, raising family, going to church etc.
 
curiousgrace said:
Were you open to forgiving your husband for his past if there was anything bad as long as he put it behind him and did not commit those sins again?
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Of course.

If I felt like there were a true addiction problem, that probably would’ve been a dealbreaker because addicts are not the same thing as former partiers in their younger days.

I am a former partier/worldly person. My husband was extremely on the straight and narrow/faithful Catholic his entire life.
 
That is horrible about the cradle Catholic thing. How sadly very shallow. Say he didn’t want to be with me because I am not a virgin… does that make him shallow or is he very much entitled to want to be with a person who saved herself?

If he saw I was not only remorseful but accepting of my past sins and that from then on I truly respected myself and carried myself well bathed in the love that I have for God and God’s love for me, could you see he may still have issues with this? it’s very hard to say. As sad as I feel about it when I really see it from their perspective I can understand why virgin bachelors would seek a virgin bride although i am not sure whether he is a virgin and it’s absolutely not my business.

I do know one thing for sure, any potential future spouse is bound to ask at some point whether it’s during the courtship or just before marriage. I cannot imagine it will never get spoken about.
 
You are beating yourself up for a sin which Christ and the Church have both forgiven.
You do not owe your future spouse virginity. You are a beautiful child of God who will still give herself in a special way to her husband on her wedding night.
 
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