How do I tell my future spouse that I am not a virgin

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curiousgrace said:
Could you please help me with the following questions:
  1. Does he have a right to know all of my sins in the past? (e.g. how many partners I have been with - as there have been a few since I was 18) etc.
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Personally, yes, I think he deserves to know – WHEN the time is right. When that time is, I’m not 100%, sure, but not before you are at the point where you are both sharing your more intimate secrets and past.

In regards to number of partners: You should NOT tell him the number of partners until he indicates he wants to know (he may not want to know), but you SHOULD indicate that you are willing to tell him the number if he wants to know.
  1. How could I approach this with him; and when during the courtship should I tell him? Will he quite point blank ask me if I am a virgin?
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He might one day “point blank” ask you. Or you could one day “point blank” ask him and tell him your situation after he answers. Do not assume that just because he was in the seminary, that he’s a virgin. There have been plenty of seminarians who are not virgins or at least took part in unchaste sexual activities.
  1. In your opinion, does the fact that I am not a virgin mean that I would not deserve him as much as another woman who is a virgin does?
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ABSOLUTELY NOT! A “born again virgin” is no less deserving of a man than a virgin is. Get this out of your head now. Now, if he discriminates against you because you were once not chaste, then it is his loss. For most men (even virgins) the main reason they are sometimes “put off” by non-virgin women is because they don’t want to sexually compete against former lovers or be compared to former lovers. It can make them self conscious. They also fear, that if they don’t live up to the former lovers, it could lead to you being unhappy. But it will NOT be because you are less deserving, so again, please get this out of your head.

God bless you & if you have any questions, please let us know.
 
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We are all sinners but our God is a great God who defines us not by our sins but by our triumphs. Be who you want to be not who you were. Be free 😀

To me, as a guy who is 20YO, it does not matter to me if someone is a virgin or not. What is in the past is in the past. Our God is a God of the present
 
curiousgrace said:
In your opinion, does the fact that I am not a virgin mean that I would not deserve him as much as another woman who is a virgin does?
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Do you think a woman who is a widow or someone who is divorced with a decree of nullity does not deserve him?

Who is he that he “deserves” a virgin? What does it mean to “deserve” a virgin?

It’s not about deserving. What we all deserve are the fires of hell.

What we desire is unconditional love. If he can’t give you that, he doesn’t “deserve” you. And vice versus.
 
See, the thing is, as your friendship develops, you’ll have a lot of talks about where you’ve been and where you are now. He’s going to tell you about being in the seminary and why he went there and why he left. You’re going to tell him about being away from the faith for a long time and then coming back. So it’s not like it’s going to come as a huge surprise to him if you ever get to the point of discussing your past intimacies. By the time you have the BIG talk, he’ll know so much other stuff about you and where you are now.

As others have said, get yourself fully checked for any diseases. There are many STI’s that can be symptom free, and some strains of HPV can cause penile cancers. When you do get to the point of an intimate discussion, you can tell him you have been tested for ever possible.

May God bless this new friendship of yours!
 
Tis_Bearself said:
I dated one like that when I was a virgin and he had a thing about wanting to be my “first” even though he himself had (and continued to have with other people while dating me) an active sex life. He was a total creep.
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That’s more than “creepy”, that’s downright hypocritical.
 
curiousgrace said:
Well, I feel there is a possibility that he may like me too based on our communication. I may be thinking too far ahead, however, one thing that really concerns me is IF he would like to begin courtship, how exactly I can tell him that I am not a virgin.
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Is he a virgin? Do you care? Are you going to ask him at any point? If he isn’t, what impact will that have on your relationship?
 
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It doesn’t matter, and he shouldn’t care. Your worth is not dependent upon virginity, and you lost none of it by losing your virginity. Don’t let yourself get caught up in purity culture. Chastity, not virginity, is what matters.

If he asks, don’t lie. If he’s bothered by the answer, the problem is his, not yours.
 
One man’s (?) opinion doesn’t make it true 🙂 and yes,in typing it you are advocating.God bless.
 
First, if he himself is not a virgin, your fears are (or should be) a moot point, since it is hypocritical for a non-virgin to be disappointed that his/her spouse is not.
curiousgrace said:
  • Does he have a right to know all of my sins in the past? (e.g. how many partners I have been with - as there have been a few since I was 18) etc.
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One of the topics often discussed here on CAF is when a man or woman who was a virgin married someone who wasn’t and how it still bothers them and affects the relationship. The almost universal answer is that the opportunity to no longer continue the relationship is before the marriage, not after. Therefore, if he wants to know, don’t lie; and if it turns out that he is and does not want to be “unequally yoked” virginitywise, then you two simply are not compatible. Do not hold it against him; rather, let him go and both of you can move on to people that hopefully will be compatible.
curiousgrace said:
  • How could I approach this with him; and when during the courtship should I tell him? Will he quite point blank ask me if I am a virgin?
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That depends on the individual. Most people don’t believe it should be a first-date discussion, but I would not wait until you are almost shopping for rings because if it is a “deal-breaker” and he cannot handle it, then the disappointment could hit him like a ton of bricks. And watching it hit him like a ton of bricks could hit you like a ton of bricks, because you could be witnessing the end of your relationship after making a huge emotional investment. But chances are that if it is important to him, and he isn’t afraid or naïve, he will raise the subject before it gets to this point.

On a side note, the only time the subject came up with someone I was considering marriage with was when she asked me, and it was a point blank “are you a virgin” when I was driving her back to her house after Christmas diner at my relatives.
curiousgrace said:
  • In your opinion, does the fact that I am not a virgin mean that I would not deserve him as much as another woman who is a virgin does?
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The most charitable response I can give would be to ask you to put yourself in the shoes of the other woman who is a virgin and may “lose out” in the competition to you.
 
You do need to tell him before you get married. Not doing so invites the Devil to undermine your marriage. Also, you need to make sure you have a clean bill of health, or if you do have any STDs that he’s willing to accept you with them. Indeed, were you to marry him while you know you have an STD and he doesn’t, it would not only invalidate his consent, it would be a crime on your part.

Now, odds are that he won’t be shocked that you’re not a virgin, and if he rejects you over this you wouldn’t have had a good marriage anyway. You don’t have to tell him early on, but it would not be fair to him to wait until your wedding day to tell him.
 
As everyone has already said, obviously just wait and see how your relationship develops. No need to stress or overthink this, give it all to the Lord. If it is His Will that you be married, then you will develop a deep abiding love and a big part of that love is the ability and desire to be open and honest with each other. I think you got excellent advice from a previous poster that if you find you are unable to discuss this honestly with each other don’t get married! Being intimate in terms of deep communication is one of the facets of very happy marriages and it is a big red flag if you can’t communicate at this level. Emotional maturity is a quality you always want to see in your closest relationships but especially in a potential marriage partner.

I’m going to hope that a man who was in seminary is someone who is able to talk and think about essential and important issues in life as a mature adult. As you and many others have said, we all are completely within our rights as free human beings to decide not to marry someone for any reason. However, love usually triumphs and what you might be worried about being a big issue may well be a non-issue.

Please never see yourself as a commodity to be traded or won, or what someone deserves. You are just as precious as any other woman virgin or not. As they are very few men who are virgins nowadays it would seem extremely hypocritical for a man to judge you harshly. However, I would cross that bridge when you come to it and just enjoy each other’s company and getting to know each other. You are a beautiful child of God and so is he.
 
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Norseman82 said:
curiousgrace:
  • In your opinion, does the fact that I am not a virgin mean that I would not deserve him as much as another woman who is a virgin does?
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This is not a “charitable response”. It presumes that someone who has fornicated, repented and been absolved is somehow less worthy in a “competition” for a relationship than someone who has never committed that particular sin (but no doubt has committed others, since we all sin). It also suggests that she owes some kind of debt to the virgins of the world to give them the advantage in finding a partner, which she doesn’t.

The only reason her virginity is even an issue is because
  • some men would strongly prefer to marry virgins - and as shown by this thread it’s clearly only “some men” who feel this way, not “all men”; and
  • she will need to be medically checked for STDs, as someone else said already.
That’s it. She doesn’t need to be concerned that other women who are virgins might feel bad if the Lord allows her to find a nice husband. It might be that the Lord is sending her that husband precisely to help her stay out of sin and eventually reach Heaven. It may also be that her future husband will choose her over other women for reasons of her personality, her kindness, her physical appearance, etc and the choice has absolutely nothing to do with virginity, in which case the whole issue of virginity is moot.
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Norseman82 said:
One of the topics often discussed here on CAF is when a man or woman who was a virgin married someone who wasn’t and how it still bothers them and affects the relationship.
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I remember some of those discussions as well, and if memory serves, people who were “bothered” by it were a clear minority. Most married people reported either never caring or having some initial misgivings that they got over relatively quickly.

I mean, people have a right to not marry someone for any reason, but I think for most people this is not the earth shatteringly important thing the OP seems to be imagining.
 
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curiousgrace said:
…

Could you please help me with the following questions:
  1. Does he have a right to know all of my sins in the past? (e.g. how many partners I have been with - as there have been a few since I was 18) etc.
  2. How could I approach this with him; and when during the courtship should I tell him? Will he quite point blank ask me if I am a virgin?
  3. In your opinion, does the fact that I am not a virgin mean that I would not deserve him as much as another woman who is a virgin does?
Thank you so much for your time and God bless.
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  1. No, he does not have the right to know anything at all about it. But if you would marry, then there is possibility of invalidity by Fraud or Deceit (Canon 1098), or Past or Present Condition (Canon 1102, §2), if there is such a condition of virginity intended and it is not revealed.
  2. Certainly early on if you are thinking of marriage.
  3. No bearing on being deserving.
 
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