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curiousgrace
Guest
Yes, I would providing they were clean and I was able see they had changed which normally you can during courtship.
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blackforest
Well-known member
Do you have a right to know the sins of his?
If your relationship gets serious, it’s good to disclose anything that you consider “baggage.” But remember that your sins are no longer your sins; we take absolution seriously in our faith!
If wedding bells are ever in your future, he should know your sexual history for health reasons. You should be tested for STDs, as should he, if he’s not a virgin.
See above.
Good grief, no.
Does he not deserve you because you stole teabags from the cafeteria when you were in college? Does he not deserve you because you were driving 10 miles over the speed limit? Think of your worst non-sexual sin. Does he not deserve you because you committed it?
If our past forgiven transgressions were an obstacle, there would be no such thing as marriage!
I’d venture to say the opposite of what you’re positing - namely, if he doesn’t accept you after learning of your sexual past - the same way Christ Himself accepts you - then he doesn’t deserve you!
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1ke
Guest
Well we don’t know, maybe he has a family that he knows well enough to know they wouldn’t accept someone who didn’t meet their expectations. Maybe he had a bad experience with a convert who hurt him. We can never know. So I can’t say it’s shallow. I can say that I’d rather not be with someone who doesn’t accept a piece of who I am.
He’s entitled to his opinion and wishes on whom he marries.
I dislike the term “save yourself” for marriage. You aren’t a prize and you aren’t giving out a prize.
Sexuality is an intimate relationship, and our past choices do have consequences. If someone can not be with you because you have a sexual past it’s better for you both to accept it. Unlike other sins, this one does impact your spouse in a personal way.
You also don’t know what sort of formation he has had regarding sexuality. He may have been taught things that shape his outlook and reactions, either in a good way or a not so good way. So, he may struggle with it if he’s been taught thing about virginity that make it seem larger than life. Or he may have awesome parents that put it in perspective. Or parents that didn’t teach him anything and he absorbed things from the culture. Hard to know. But don’t assume bad motives if it is a dealbreaker.
Also, it’s not ok to treat someone poorly because of past choices.
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1ke
Guest
Honey, there is a saying in the South: don’t borrow trouble.
You are stoking this up in your mind into something of huge proportion and it just isn’t.
Sounds like you could use some spiritual counseling because you are being way too hard on yourself and worrying excessively.
Let it be. You aren’t even dating. You will know when the time is right to bring it up. You might go out a few times and decide he’s not for you and it never even comes up. So— chill!!!
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1ke
Guest
There is no such thing as a former addict.
And addiction would absolutely be a deal breaker for me. I’ve seen addiction in my own family and would never willingly bind myself to an addict or try to have children with an addict.
Fairly or unfairly it’s a deal breaker for me and everyone is entitled to their dealbreakers.
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curiousgrace
Guest
I just want to say what you said here was very interesting. As soon as I read it, I immediately thought of our Lord Jesus Christ telling his disciples not to touch Him as He had not yet ascended to the Father. Christ did not save His glorious resurrected body for anybody else except for the Father. You are right in the sense that we are not prizes and that we belong to God and Him alone. Now that you mentioned how you don’t like that term, I completely see why it shouldn’t be used. Thanks!
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Le_Crouton
Guest
I’d like to tell you that while you’re entitled to your opinion, there are such things as former addicts who are in recovery and are probably cleaner and more strong willed than your average person.
I encounter them every day. Keep your opinion if you want, but maybe spend more time around former addicts who have recovered and who spend their life in service helping others recover.
And while everyone is entitled to their deal breakers, I don’t think that those dealbreakers should be based on unfair biases toward people who have recovered from their addiction. They’re entirely different than people who are currently addicted. Attend any 12 step meeting and you’ll find people who are serious about God, recovery, and helping others recover.
I encounter them every day. Keep your opinion if you want, but maybe spend more time around former addicts who have recovered and who spend their life in service helping others recover.
And while everyone is entitled to their deal breakers, I don’t think that those dealbreakers should be based on unfair biases toward people who have recovered from their addiction. They’re entirely different than people who are currently addicted. Attend any 12 step meeting and you’ll find people who are serious about God, recovery, and helping others recover.
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Tis_Bearself
Patron
No. I think if you share with him you’re a revert and led a worldly, not Godly, life, that’s sufficient. He is not entitled to know every specific thing you did, and most men with a brain can guess.
He might “point blank ask you” if it’s very important to him that he have a virgin for a wife. In that case, I’d advise you to honestly answer him and, if he seems to be placing a very high value on virginity, perhaps consider whether this relationship has a future since he seems to want something other than what you are.
If he doesn’t ask, then you would want to bring this up in a “there’s something you should know” way when/ if the relationship starts getting serious and you start talking commitment and marriage. Like I said, if you simply tell him now that you’re a revert who led a worldly life, he can probably figure you might not be a virgin, so you wouldn’t be giving him a false impression.
NO!!!
You repented and were absolved from your sin. There is no requirement that you wear a scarlet letter for the rest of your life or that you don’t deserve a good husband who treats you decently just because you weren’t a virgin when you married. Many Catholic women AND men are not virgins when they marry. They’re not second-class citizens and they often make very good marital partners.
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DeniseNY
Guest
There’s a good chance he’s not a virgin either.
Whether or not you tell him is up to you, and I think you’ve been given some good advice here. What is kind of bothering me is that you’re thinking less of yourself because you’re not a virgin, and that is not the case. There is not a single person among us who has not sinned. You’ve been to confession and been forgiven. Now you have to forgive yourself.
Whether or not you tell him is up to you, and I think you’ve been given some good advice here. What is kind of bothering me is that you’re thinking less of yourself because you’re not a virgin, and that is not the case. There is not a single person among us who has not sinned. You’ve been to confession and been forgiven. Now you have to forgive yourself.
Tis_Bearself
Patron
I was in a relationship with an alcoholic for years.
People who have an addiction are in recovery, but they are NOT free of their addiction. They will have that disease the rest of their life and if they slip up even once they can relapse badly.
It would be a deal-breaker for me too, to marry someone with an addiction if I knew about it beforehand. I did NOT marry the alcoholic man.
I have also known, though fortunately not dated, a large number of drug users (uppers, downers, opioids, cocaine, and meth), some of whom developed addictions. Some made it into recovery, some did not, some have been in rehab/ recovery multiple times because they relapsed. So please don’t give me a lecture about spending more time around addicts in recovery. Some of us just do not want to deal with that in a relationship, and that’s our choice.
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LawyersGunsAndMoney
Guest
“I’m not a virgin.”
Tis_Bearself
Patron
This is not healthy thinking, Sure, it would have been better if you didn’t commit the sin of fornication and displease God. However, you have repented from your sin and been absolved. God gave you all your “honour” back.
“The most beautiful gift you can give to your special other” is a lifelong relationship with them and all that goes into that, which rolls up into a heckuva bigger and more beautiful package than whether someone somehow lost their virginity before marriage.
If you go into relationships thinking you’re “damaged goods” that’s going to show in your behavior and it will make you less able to be a good wife and a strong person. God doesn’t want women to think that way. Just stop already.
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His_helpmeet
Guest
I was a virgin and married a man who wasn’t. (He converted to Catholicism as an adult and was married previously. His first marriage was declared invalid and we are sacramentally married.) It didn’t bother me. I don’t know exactly how many partners he had but I know there were a few.
I think he should know, if and when you start seriously discussing marriage, that you’re not a virgin. You should also have yourself tested for STIs - many can have no symptoms, especially in women. (Hubby’s ex cheated on him so he had himself tested after they split up. He was clean. I didn’t ask him to be tested again.) If you do have a chronic STI he needs to know that. He doesn’t need to know all the fine details of how many partners you had or what you all did with them.
Initially I had wanted to marry a fellow virgin, but when I met Hubby I knew he was the one
He considers himself extremely privileged to marry a virgin and said it wasn’t something he had expected given his past. His past isn’t something we discuss very often and it doesn’t bother me. A wise man once said, “Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.”
I think he should know, if and when you start seriously discussing marriage, that you’re not a virgin. You should also have yourself tested for STIs - many can have no symptoms, especially in women. (Hubby’s ex cheated on him so he had himself tested after they split up. He was clean. I didn’t ask him to be tested again.) If you do have a chronic STI he needs to know that. He doesn’t need to know all the fine details of how many partners you had or what you all did with them.
Initially I had wanted to marry a fellow virgin, but when I met Hubby I knew he was the one
He considers himself extremely privileged to marry a virgin and said it wasn’t something he had expected given his past. His past isn’t something we discuss very often and it doesn’t bother me. A wise man once said, “Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.”
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LawyersGunsAndMoney
Guest
Yeah…honestly, guys who view virginity as the end all be all in a future spouse strike me as creepy. Neither my wife nor I were virgins when we got married and it’s never once bothered me. It’s just not something I think about…not because it bothers me, but just because I genuinely don’t care. As long as she’s not sleeping with anyone else now, I really could not care less.
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Pattylt
Guest
When my husband and I got to the point in our relationship where this came up, he told me he was a virgin. When I told him I was not he said, “Thank goodness one of us will know what we’re doing” and we laughed hysterically! It never mattered to either of us. As a matter of fact, his ability to joke and laugh over it made me love him even more.
Tis_Bearself
Patron
In my experience, they are often from some culture/ ethnic background that emphasizes virginity to a great degree. This could include a traditional Catholic background, or it could be that they’re from certain parts of Europe or the Middle East. if that’s the case, I can sort of understand it because it’s how they have been raised.
However, ordinary American guys who are all hung up on “young virgins” are indeed creepy. I dated one like that when I was a virgin and he had a thing about wanting to be my “first” even though he himself had (and continued to have with other people while dating me) an active sex life. He was a total creep.
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Cruciferi
Guest
Creepy weird
Tis_Bearself
Patron
Same with my husband. Unlike most of the other men I met, he took his sex life, his “manhood” whatever pretty lightly. He was confident in himself and felt that manhood came from behaving like a responsible and mannerly member of society, and wasn’t based on what transpired in the bedroom. And he joked and laughed a LOT. He was the greatest. I sure do miss him.
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Pattylt
Guest
Mine, too. I’m so fortunate to still have my husband and my heart aches for your loss. This is a great reminder to enjoy the time we still have together. 
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