I a 27yo female who has been seeing a man for the past five months.
I seem to alternate between thinking he is the right one to being unsure.
That’s what you get for being a 27yo in the modern world.
I have been in past relationships and really don’t want to waste any time anymore as it is painful for both parties.
Since my last relationship, I was praying to God to spare me from pointless relationships and reveal to me the right guy.
There is such a thing as trying too hard, wanting too much, for the wrong reasons. It’s great that you already know to not fritter your life away, but one also needs to come to terms with the fact that there will always be an element of uncertainty, a leap of faith to make. I know that’s hard.
We met online and realised we have a lot in common:
- same cultural background (I’ve wanted this for a long time now).
- same religion.
- mutual friends.
- he used to go to my church. We go to my church together at times.
- he is respectful and caring.
- enjoy similar activities.
- both deal with conflict in a calm manner.
- both have agreeable personalities e.g. we are both nice people.
- both physically attracted to one another.
- his parents and family love me.
That does sound like a lot in common, and a solid foundation too.
Though there are some things that do concern me, such as:
-he is ten years older than me
That’s up to you. It does mean the two of you might not exactly be on the same stage of your respective journeys, but that range of age difference used to be considered desirable. Personally, I believe it’s too difficult to generalize reliably, it all comes down to the individual case, the specific two people involved.
-financially he isn’t in the best place
As long as he has direction…
and lacks career direction
… But, apparently, he hasn’t. If he hasn’t direction right now, that can be a minor bump on the road. But if he doesn’t have direction in general, he may need counselling and you may need to reevaluate (which does not necessarily mean ‘and subsequently end’) your relationship.
I utterly refuse to level any unwarranted, exaggerated criticism against him as a person, but it’s objectively a difficult situation to be in as his prospective fiancée, no doubt.
First thing, check if the two of you could maintain a modest but reasonably comfortable household that would cover your needs and preferably allow you to reach your potential (as British social workers are wont to say). If yes, then well, you have at least that. If not, then marrying would be problematic.
Next check if it’s the family’s livelihood that concerns you or if it is instead connected more with his attractiveness to you as a man devoid of a sense of direction or ambition. Then, consider just how important that it is to you. The point is not even to challenge your existing feelings or perceptions (though that too; as Catholics we sort of always have to challenge the reasonability and fairness of those), but to first of all realize just what they are. If it bothers you, the important question is will you be able to get over it, eventually, or not, rather than the question of appropriateness or fairness.
- I feel deeper conversations to be lacking at times (he is more of a practical, sensing type whilst I am intuitive and intellectual)
Well, it’s kind of logically impossible to have someone who would be both the same (high degree of kindred soul) and yet complementary. Some people are attracted to similarities, others to opposites, but the number one thing is that while one can be attracted to both, one can’t have both in the same ‘significant’ other. As humans we are entirely capable of having a set of simultaneously charished desires than cannot possibly be all met at once. Perhaps you may need to take some inventory.
-our spiritual levels are different (e.g. he is a Catholic Italian however distanced himself from the faith probably just due to spiritual malaise. He always goes to mass and other catholic events with me if I invite him, but on his own he isn’t very motivated).
That sounds troubling. A lot of our fellow posters here started from the same position and eventually arrived at a point where both the spouses are hardcore practising Catholics that go about it jointly and happily, but no one is guaranteed such an outcome.
Next, it seems to me the gentleman in question may be suffering from a deeper, broader, more underlying problem connected with finding sense and direction in life in general. That doesn’t make him unmarriageable, but it would be safer for him to substantially finish the process before committing to marriage; one of the reasons is that formative events, decisions and processes are capable of changing one’s taste in men or women. In plain words, it’s better to know what kind of women he wants or likes or needs before the two of you cross the point of no return.
-sometimes I feel drained in his company as he likes to talk details about his hobbies/interests e.g. stock market.
Well, to be honest that appears normal, except perhaps in degree. Does he talk too much about work? Or does he talk too much about those of his interests that you do not share? Or does he talk too much in general? Or in a boring way? Each scenario would be different. Also, you may be suffering from burnout in that relationship right now.
I am wondering how best to proceed with this relationship. I know he is 100% invested in me and will marry me one day.
Wives are certainly more permanent than career choices.
But yeah, well, even if his resolve and fidelity is assured, you still need to be convinced that your choice is right. There is a reason I’m not saying ‘the right one’. When it comes to ‘right ones’, the choice between the definite and the indefinite article is a deeply personal matter.
but how would you feel if he was not interested or listening to you about something that interests you? Perhaps you and he share some common interest and you can gently nurture that one so that you will not mind listening about his solo interest at times. Or, you could calmly explain sometime that you don’t really share that interest but that’s okay.
