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Xantippe
Guest
Reasonable grownups don’t share their marriage problems with their children, even adult children.
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Xantippe
Guest
How about, “Mom, we can go talk together about this with your pastor or my pastor or a therapist, but I can’t talk about it right now.”
Feel free to climb into bed and clothes your eyes right in front of her until she goes away.
The bathroom is another traditionally private location.
(That may be viewed as rude though, and may wind up getting you kicked out.)
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Xantippe
Guest
By the way, have you ever thought of telling your mom, “I think I need to pray about this,” or “We need to pray!,” pull out your rosary or a prayer book (like the office?) or the Psalms, and start praying?
That sounds a little wrong to use God like that but the thing is you** do **need to pray and calm down.
Again, she might throw you out, but she might not.
That sounds a little wrong to use God like that but the thing is you** do **need to pray and calm down.
Again, she might throw you out, but she might not.
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Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
Do you see a situation in the future when you will be able to be an independent person?
You need to find out if that is ever even possible for you. Someday, for better or worse your mother won’t be around to support you. And when she isn’t around be it by choice or mortality, you need to have a plan in place so you are ok.
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Hoosier_Daddy
Guest
If sincere I’d be on board. However I get the sense that there is a huge passive aggressive and codependent situation here. And that would be abused in a most horrible way.
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DarkLight
Guest
It will be. It’s a matter of finding it, at the moment. So I am looking at and applying for hopefully better jobs, and I’m working on developing some skills that would get me a better market rate (computer skills seem promising - I’m using downtime to learn how to program). Now that I’m not in school I’m also being more careful to maintain disability insurance as much as I can, so if I do move out and things really go belly-up I have a better chance of keeping it together.
This thread I’ve been focusing on the very short-term. I don’t expect to be in this situation even this time next year. If I am I have one or two more drastic options to look into that would at least get me out (things like teaching abroad).
Of course, the issue of how to relate to my mother is probably going to be there as long as we’re both alive. As I recall it wasn’t exactly easy even when I was living halfway across the country from her. I had hoped maybe, now that she’s out of her crazy church and I’m a little older, my being back would let us reconnect in a better way. That doesn’t seem to be what’s happening, unfortunately.
When I talk about money, I’d say I’m really looking at needing an extra $400-$500 a month. Especially if I can hang on until the car is completely paid off - which should be December or January - that’ll mean I’m no longer liable for the car payment every month and free up that $150. I’m also looking at adding in some online tutoring on the side for extra cash (just have to figure out a workspace where I won’t disturb anyone).
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Xantippe
Guest
That sounds like it really is just a matter of time.
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DarkLight
Guest
Yeah I probably could have been more clear. I am taking steps to change the situation, especially now that I’m feeling more confident in my mental health overall. But, simply put, those steps are unlikely to radically change things in the next 90 days or so.
And like I said, how to relate to my mother isn’t going to just stop being difficult once I’ve moved out. It’ll make the practicalities easier, but the whole “how do I not only set boundaries, but determine what a reasonable boundary is” issue isn’t going to be 100% solved by me moving out.
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UbiCaritas
Guest
Yes. Also, grief isn’t a one-and-done thing, or even a definite process, unfortunately. Grief, especially grief over relationships, will crop up at odd moments throughout your life.
My mother and I haven’t talked in five years, and our relationship was extremely strained at best before that. I found that major life events are when I missed, not her, but the idea of a mother the most: going off to college, getting engaged, getting married, having kids, etc.
I also wanted to add, OP, that while some may not see the progress you’ve made in the last couple of years, I have seen it.
You’re making plans and taking steps, and you’re doing what you can to improve your situation. IIRC, you would not have been able to say several years ago that you owned a car, were working full-time, and were teaching yourself a very useful skill (programming) with the potential for career advancement. Good on you! It’s really, REALLY hard learning how to adult when your family of origin wasn’t terribly good about teaching you how.
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Xantippe
Guest
Yes!Yes. Also, grief isn’t a one-and-done thing, or even a definite process, unfortunately. Grief, especially grief over relationships, will crop up at odd moments throughout your life.
My mother and I haven’t talked in five years, and our relationship was extremely strained at best before that. I found that major life events are when I missed, not her, but the idea of a mother the most: going off to college, getting engaged, getting married, having kids, etc.
**I also wanted to add, OP, that while some may not see the progress you’ve made in the last couple of years, I have seen it.
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ToeInTheWater
Guest
DarkLight, I don’t have much, or any, concrete advice for you.
All I can say is that as someone who has had a very difficult relationship with a parent, it did help for me to move out and separate myself from the immediate situation, for I no longer felt “Oh here it comes again and I have to figure out how to handle this right now, I can’t mess up because that’ll make it worse”.
In my case I have a pretty good relationship with my mother, but my father is another story. I am mostly resigned now, to the fact that we will never be close, and our conversations will remain superficial, and I can accept that on the rare occasions he does do something nice for me, it is what he is capable of and he does love me, even if he’s not good at expressing it.
Yet there are still times – especially when I witness examples of close father-daughter relationships – that I feel like mourning what I never had.
Times like those are when I feel like I need to offer it up to God.
ETA: The Serenity prayer actually does help me at those times. AFAIK there is nothing it in contrary to Catholic teaching.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
All I can say is that as someone who has had a very difficult relationship with a parent, it did help for me to move out and separate myself from the immediate situation, for I no longer felt “Oh here it comes again and I have to figure out how to handle this right now, I can’t mess up because that’ll make it worse”.
In my case I have a pretty good relationship with my mother, but my father is another story. I am mostly resigned now, to the fact that we will never be close, and our conversations will remain superficial, and I can accept that on the rare occasions he does do something nice for me, it is what he is capable of and he does love me, even if he’s not good at expressing it.
Yet there are still times – especially when I witness examples of close father-daughter relationships – that I feel like mourning what I never had.
Times like those are when I feel like I need to offer it up to God.
ETA: The Serenity prayer actually does help me at those times. AFAIK there is nothing it in contrary to Catholic teaching.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
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UbiCaritas
Guest
I like this a lot.DarkLight, I don’t have much, or any, concrete advice for you.
All I can say is that as someone who has had a very difficult relationship with a parent, it did help for me to move out and separate myself from the immediate situation, for I no longer felt “Oh here it comes again and I have to figure out how to handle this right now, I can’t mess up because that’ll make it worse”.
In my case I have a pretty good relationship with my mother, but my father is another story. I am mostly resigned now, to the fact that we will never be close, and our conversations will remain superficial, and I can accept that on the rare occasions he does do something nice for me, it is what he is capable of and he does love me, even if he’s not good at expressing it.
Yet there are still times – especially when I witness examples of close father-daughter relationships – that I feel like mourning what I never had.
Times like those are when I feel like I need to offer it up to God.
One of the few things I’ve found to be helpful on a spiritual level is to, if the opportunity presents itself, go up to church, sit down in the sanctuary (open during daylight hours, and the Eucharist is present in the tabernacle) and say, “Look, God, I’m really hurting right now. That’s all I’ve got, and I’m just going to sit here with You and this pain for a while.” And then I do.
I don’t feel some sort of magical healing or whatever after I do this, but I do often feel like I’ve been able to set down the pain for a little while, or at least had someone there to help me carry it, and that helps some.
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Monica4316
Guest
Dark Light,
I don’t think you need to question if you understand reality. We all perceive things through our understanding. You didn’t mean to be mean but your mother was hurt. Maybe she has some wounds she doesn’t know how to heal. Maybe some things could have been said more gently. But it seems like your intention wasn’t to hurt her and you didn’t know how to respond after these long talks.
I have difficulties at home that I spend much time agonizing over. I live separately but I visit my family for long periods of time a few times a year. The same difficulties come up. I’ve said things I regretted and other things that I didn’t mean to hurt, but they did. Often I could have been gentler. Sometimes I handled it very badly. Other times the brokenness of each person made us feel attacked. It just makes me think how wounded human nature is. Your mother probably.doesn’t know what to do, nor do you. I’m in a similar situation in not knowing and at times have been so stressed that I think it affected my health.
If your mom talks for a long time about your dad or something else, would it work to just say “mom, I would like to help you, but I’m just not sure what I could do. You talk about this a lot. Is there anything I could do?”. I am not sure and it seems almost counterproductive, but it might potentially soften her a bit, and get her thinking why she is talking to you or your role in all this. It seems like her troubles are things you are not in a position to fix for her, like her relationship with your dad.
One thing I do is sometimes when things get difficult at home, I just go someplace like the library. It gives a chance for everyone to calm down and not have another discussion.
I’ll pray for you… God bless you.
I don’t think you need to question if you understand reality. We all perceive things through our understanding. You didn’t mean to be mean but your mother was hurt. Maybe she has some wounds she doesn’t know how to heal. Maybe some things could have been said more gently. But it seems like your intention wasn’t to hurt her and you didn’t know how to respond after these long talks.
I have difficulties at home that I spend much time agonizing over. I live separately but I visit my family for long periods of time a few times a year. The same difficulties come up. I’ve said things I regretted and other things that I didn’t mean to hurt, but they did. Often I could have been gentler. Sometimes I handled it very badly. Other times the brokenness of each person made us feel attacked. It just makes me think how wounded human nature is. Your mother probably.doesn’t know what to do, nor do you. I’m in a similar situation in not knowing and at times have been so stressed that I think it affected my health.
If your mom talks for a long time about your dad or something else, would it work to just say “mom, I would like to help you, but I’m just not sure what I could do. You talk about this a lot. Is there anything I could do?”. I am not sure and it seems almost counterproductive, but it might potentially soften her a bit, and get her thinking why she is talking to you or your role in all this. It seems like her troubles are things you are not in a position to fix for her, like her relationship with your dad.
One thing I do is sometimes when things get difficult at home, I just go someplace like the library. It gives a chance for everyone to calm down and not have another discussion.
I’ll pray for you… God bless you.
C
ConfusedLucy
Guest
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Darklight, I’m glad you have a plan, have you also looked at getting an equivalent job in a cheaper area?
See I think anyone who is told that really needs to consider that it may be the truth and that they may need to take some responsibility for their behavior or seek real help if they can’t. I have seen similar within my family where a parent was dumping all their negative emotion on an adult child and refused to do anything to help themself. The adult child ended up reducing contact to maintain their own mental health.
Darklight, I’m glad you have a plan, have you also looked at getting an equivalent job in a cheaper area?
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