How Do You Tell Someone You Are Dating That You Are Not A Virgin?

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TK421 said:
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So yeah, I guess you could say I’ve adopted an extremely thorough, guarded, and potentially obnoxious attitude on the issue. I’ve simply heard, read, and seen too much from people not to consider absolute honesty a top concern. So my own recommendation (and how I plan on doing it) is to spill the beans entirely.
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you haven’t been married very long, have you?
 
I’m not married, and I’m not currently pursuing anybody until I work out some other things in my life (I’m in the process of converting).
 
TK421 said:
I’m not married, and I’m not currently pursuing anybody until I work out some other things in my life (I’m in the process of converting).
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congrats. you’re on all the right tracks.
 
The_Bucket said:
Well said. You can be honest and not overload someone. Leave the confessing of sins to the confessional and leave past sins in the past. It’s important to disclose actual betrayals and a good thing to at least touch on your personal baggage when deciding to get serious in a relationship, but that’s it.

Be honest. Be forthright. Be contrite. And be brief.
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OK seriously, I’m hardly serving a purpose except for being the cheerleader… but again, what he said. ^
 
Fairwinds said:
you haven’t been married very long, have you?
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I’ve been married 10 years and we were together for 3 years before we married. I very much agree with TK421. I realize the nitty gritty of each sexual encounter the OP has had are not necessary to disclose and I wouldn’t think it wise to go into that kind of detail anyways, but the number of partners and the circumstances are important. It’s not just sexual history, it’s emotional history, too. It’s also about being able to fully understand your potential mate.
Fairwinds said:
did you thoroughly confess all of your sins to your husband?
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I did. My husband did, as well. Once we realized we were going to be in a long term relationship that was probably heading toward marriage I wanted to know and I felt he should know, too. We discussed number of previous sexual partners, things we did that we were not proud of, and without going into too much detail we discussed kinks and quirks…things we tried and liked as well as things we tried and did not like. We talked about long and short term relationships we were involved in and why they ended as well as any mitigating circumstances to our behavior such as extreme emotional pain and depression that lead us to behave the way that we did.

I think that kind of openness and honesty, while not easy, ended up working in our favor. No one can say “But I wouldn’t have married you if I had known that!” and there was no chance some malicious friend, family member, or ex could come along and start mischief by passing on withheld or glossed over information.
 
I have not read the bulk of the previous responses but if you have been tested for STD’s and there are no children from your previous union(s) I would think less is more in terms of how much to disclose. I admire you for wanting to share it and I think a brief conversation about the fact that you are not a virgin but are now stronger and more obedient to your faith and intend to remain chaste until marriage is enough. Either someone can handle that in a previous partner or not. Your past is not who you are and the fact that you want to have this conversation unprompted shows that.
 
Ophelia23 said:
OK seriously, I’m hardly serving a purpose except for being the cheerleader… but again, what he said. ^
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I’ll be your cheerleader for being his cheerleader. 😃

Seriously, though, Bucket said things pretty well.

I do have a few questions for the OP, though. And these are more rhetorical questions I want to raise in case it helps you think through things. You mention that you know she is a virgin. How did you find that out? Did you not share anything about yourself at that time? Does she have no idea one way or the other about you? Does she suspect you are not a virgin or does she mistakenly think you are?

I ask because perhaps you might look to the way you found out about her past for clues as to how to address your own. In my mind, her expectations are a big consideration. If she suspects you are not a virgin but hasn’t asked about it, what is the reason? Does she not want to know? Is she waiting for you to be the one to bring it up because she doesn’t want to put you on the spot? If she thinks you are a virgin, what led her to think that? If this is the case, you may want to clue her in sooner rather than later. And if you have no idea what she thinks one way or the other, then you two need to talk. :o

This definitely is a topic that I think different couples take vastly different approaches to. Some people adamantly do not want to know. Some people want to know everything. 🤷
 
“Back in the day” when I was dating, young women more or less assumed you were not a virgin. Some would ask, some wouldn’t. I believe if a woman wants to know, she’ll ask. If she doesn’t ask, there’s a good chance she doesn’t want to know. For most women, I don’t think virginity in a man is a requirement.

But then, maybe I’m just old-fashioned in thinking all that.
 
Does it still bother you that you did what you did, are you concerned about her reaction or both?
 
It is my opinion that someone should not hide their past from their future spouse. In fact, if they do so, and it is an issue that would affect the consent of the spouse to marriage, then the validity of the marriage is in question.

IMHO, the potential spouses should reveal this information to each other in a manner appropriate to the time they’ve been dating. Gory details don’t have to be mentioned on the first date, all relevant details should be discussed. My wife and I did so prior to our marriage, and it was quite detailed. Basically, everything was on the table excepting certain privileged information pertaining to our prior spouses (since revealed after we married). As a result of this complete honestly, we have excellent communication between us and a very happy and healthy marriage.
 
mek42 said:
Does it still bother you that you did what you did, are you concerned about her reaction or both?
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It isn’t something I fret over often, but from time to time I am reminded of the way I used to live and how naive I was, and that is upsetting. It isn’t something I’m actively bothered, but I realize how upsetting it could be. Of all the decisions I’ve made and all of the sins I’ve committed, premarital sex is the one I regret the most.

Here is a beautiful girl who has had the strength and will to save herself for her future mate. And here I am who selfishly gave myself away outside of marriage to someone who really did not deserve me. All of this was because of my lack of faith. I think I’ve reconciled it within my own heart, and how it changed me, but I’ve not reconciled how it could affect my future spouse if God ever leads me to marriage.

Joshua C.
 
Well Josh, as a woman I can say that if I were her, I’d want to know if you weren’t a virgin. I can also tell you that if she loves you, she’ll appreciate your honesty and be just as ready to forgive you as Christ Himself was. Personally, form what you’ve written, I don’t think she’ll throw you under the metaphorical bus; if she does, the relationship is most likely not for the best.

From personal experience, I can tell you that I would think you very brave for being so open with me. I think that if she—or anyone, for that matter—really cared about you, they would think well of you, too. Don’t be scared to speak with her if things become serious. Be honest and open without going into too much detail. If it’s meant to be, everything will be fine! 🙂

God bless you!
 
this obsession with sex and sexual history never fails to astonish.

if the girlfriend is shocked to learn the OP had sex with a woman he lived with and turfs the engagement because of it, who is more nutty?
 
Fairwinds said:
this obsession with sex and sexual history never fails to astonish.
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I tend to agree. Of course one should be tested to make sure there are no STD’s and if there are, that must be disclosed.

But sexual history? Maybe peripherally, but I don’t see the need for a detailed discussion. Catholics have the sacrament of Reconciliation to confess and unburden themselves of sin, and be forgiven.

Is it really necessary to lay that burden on someone else? Sometimes I think it is more a matter of the excessive narcissism of our age that we feel we must burden others with our own sins.
 
I actually amazed that some people recommend not discussing this issue with their spouse. Trust is everything in marriage. If you don’t have trust, you don’t have a marriage. Along the same lines, if you can’t communicate such things to a potential spouse, you might want to work on those communication skills. The lack of trust and communication between spouses are the most efficient way to make a marriage fail.

I would be very interested in knowing how many people that recommend hiding the fact that they have lived and slept with others have successful marriages.
 
JimG said:
Is it really necessary to lay that burden on someone else? Sometimes I think it is more a matter of the excessive narcissism of our age that we feel we must burden others with our own sins.
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I entirely agree. I think if one person wants to know, he/she can ask and live with the response or not live with it. If one does not ask, that probably means he/she does not want to know.

If the other does not want to know, why burden him/her with it?
 
TheWarriorMonk said:
I actually amazed that some people recommend not discussing this issue with their spouse. Trust is everything in marriage. If you don’t have trust, you don’t have a marriage. Along the same lines, if you can’t communicate such things to a potential spouse, you might want to work on those communication skills. The lack of trust and communication between spouses are the most efficient way to make a marriage fail.

I would be very interested in knowing how many people that recommend hiding the fact that they have lived and slept with others have successful marriages.
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Trustworthiness is not determined by whether one did or did not have a sexual relationship with another in the past. I’ll put it this way, if I don’t know enough about a potential future spouse to trust her in a marriage whether or not she tells me she is or isn’t a virgin, then I don’t know enough about her to marry her at all.

I doubt there are any statistics on how many people who had successful marriages didn’t tell their sexual history to their spouses. If I had to guess, I would guess it would be the great majority.

So, is the guy who is eager to tell his girlfriend that he had sex with someone before her also going to be the guy who is just beside himself to know whether she is a virgin and will eventually demand to know? I would lay odds that it is, and would further think it probable such a person is too immature to marry at this point in his life.
 
It appears to me that the OP believes that this may affect the potential future spouse’s decision on whether she will continue to date/marry him. He would be ill advised to withhold this information if that is the case; it’s a no-brainer.

Of course, that is my opinion. I could forgive and marry a person that had sex with many people if she was up front about it. I could not marry a person that withheld the fact that they had a one-night stand with someone. Having a wife is not simply having some “buddy” that you can hang out with and tell her what you wish and hide everything else. I believe that two become one in marriage…Not two become 1 1/2 or something less. People respect honesty, and hate deception and dishonestly. A spouse deserves better.
 
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