How Do You Tell Someone You Are Dating That You Are Not A Virgin?

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Fairwinds said:
I try not to hit on bait like that, do you know they’ll sometimes give an infraction for personal insults?
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Okay, padawan.
is knowing your (collective you) potential spouse is Not A Virgin, albeit a forgiven one, a deal breaker? why? and what level of detail do you (collectively) need to know?
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I could care less if someone is a virgin. But to state the unbelievably blatantly obvious, I believe that people should know about the characteristics of the potential future spouse. You don’t seem to care if, say, the potential spouse sleep with 500 different people, is a chronic cheater, had 10 abortions, etc. However, others do, and such information is essential to the making informed consent. I can forgive the sinner, but I can’t forgive the deceiver or the liar. You obviously don’t care, but to each their own.
I’m sensing a certain amount of braggadocio in re a guy (collectively) who’d insist on telling his girlfriend that he’s Experienced.
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I’m sensing a unmarried guy being argumentative for the sake of being argumentative. Off to forms work and sleep. G’night.
 
Fairwinds said:
with maturity you learn two things about man-woman relationships.

first, a true gentlemen** never **discusses past loves.

second, for everything there is a season, and a time to leave the past alone. there are questions that, in the long run, you really don’t need to ask and details you really don’t want to know. and she knows this as well.
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Agreed.

If she asks, be truthful. If she doesn’t ask, there’s a good chance she doesn’t want to know.
 
Ridgerunner said:
Agreed.

If she asks, be truthful. If she doesn’t ask, there’s a good chance she doesn’t want to know.
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You may be right, but I would just add that not wanting to know is not the only reason a woman wouldn’t ask. Some might want the guy to open up when he’s comfortable doing so rather than pushing it when he’s not yet comfortable.
 
Make it easy. Simply set aside time to discuss such issues. My wife and I used to go out to dinner and discuss such things, and we openly and honestly discussed any concerns that each other had.

In my own case, there were things in my wife’s past that would normally concern me for a potential spouse. But the fact that she freely discussed those issues and how she handled them allayed those concerns. That type of communication is essential between spouses. You’ll see that advice from me repeated over and over and over. Communication, communication, communication.
 
Joe_5859 said:
You may be right, but I would just add that not wanting to know is not the only reason a woman wouldn’t ask. Some might want the guy to open up when he’s comfortable doing so rather than pushing it when he’s not yet comfortable.
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Maybe. But I never knew a woman who couldn’t get that kind of information out of a man at will, and if the relationship is sufficiently serious for the subject to be broached, I never knew a woman who would hesitate to dig into whatever she wanted to dig into.
 
Ridgerunner said:
Maybe. But I never knew a woman who couldn’t get that kind of information out of a man at will, and if the relationship is sufficiently serious for the subject to be broached, I never knew a woman who would hesitate to dig into whatever she wanted to dig into.
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Fair enough. The OP would have to weigh whether his relationship is at that level where silence implies “She don’t wanna know!” 🙂
 
Basically, from the variety of different answers I’ve seen I’ve come to one conclusion only- every relationship is different, and there are no set rules for this situation. Therefore, I have decided to just go with the spirit. I will follow the spirit and feel things out with my girlfriend to see how she feels and if it is something she wants to discuss or bring up. At this point, I will answer her questions truthfully, but I see no need of bringing it up. I can see how a woman would not want to discuss such things, but I also see how other women would.

Thank you all for the information

Joshua C.
 
joshvanrad said:
Basically, from the variety of different answers I’ve seen I’ve come to one conclusion only- every relationship is different, and there are no set rules for this situation. Therefore, I have decided to just go with the spirit. I will follow the spirit and feel things out with my girlfriend to see how she feels and if it is something she wants to discuss or bring up. At this point, I will answer her questions truthfully, but I see no need of bringing it up. I can see how a woman would not want to discuss such things, but I also see how other women would.

Thank you all for the information

Joshua C.
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Staying silent unless interrogated seems like a way to avoid negative consequences, so I would discern very carefully if that is the path I want to take. How would you feel if you learned she had six figures of student loan debt that she figured you didn’t want to know?
 
joshvanrad said:
Basically, from the variety of different answers I’ve seen I’ve come to one conclusion only- every relationship is different, and there are no set rules for this situation. Therefore, I have decided to just go with the spirit. I will follow the spirit and feel things out with my girlfriend to see how she feels and if it is something she wants to discuss or bring up. At this point, I will answer her questions truthfully, but I see no need of bringing it up. I can see how a woman would not want to discuss such things, but I also see how other women would.

Thank you all for the information

Joshua C.
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That sounds like a good conclusion. As long as you keep praying and keep the lines of communication open, I think you’ll be fine. 👍
 
mek42 said:
Staying silent unless interrogated seems like a way to avoid negative consequences, so I would discern very carefully if that is the path I want to take. How would you feel if you learned she had six figures of student loan debt that she figured you didn’t want to know?
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He did say he would “feel things out.” I don’t take that to mean that he’s holding his tongue unless she interrogates him. I take that to mean he plans on praying about it and following her lead in the matter.
 
One should also remember that even if the potential wife doesn’t ask for something, it doesn’t mean the potential husband MUST remain quiet. Many times we need to get things off our chests, and the potential spouse should be receptive, and elated, that that other potential spouse trusts in them enough to do so.
 
I do not feel I MUST do anything other than to follow the guidance of the Holy Spirit. I’m coming to realize that these situations are not specifically carved out. In certain situations with certain people I believe you could do more harm than good with this conversation. If she needs to hear it, or if I need to speak of it, it will be brought up. The Spirit has not led me in one direction or another (as this is still early on in our relationship), but if the Spirit leads me in one certain direction I will certainly follow.

Joshua C.
 
joshvanrad said:
I do not feel I MUST do anything other than to follow the guidance of the Holy Spirit. I’m coming to realize that these situations are not specifically carved out. In certain situations with certain people I believe you could do more harm than good with this conversation. If she needs to hear it, or if I need to speak of it, it will be brought up. The Spirit has not led me in one direction or another (as this is still early on in our relationship), but if the Spirit leads me in one certain direction I will certainly follow.

Joshua C.
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don’t give her details even if you “need to speak of it”. if she doesn’t understand what “I lived with woman for a while” means, she is too naive to be married.
 
mek42 said:
How would you feel if you learned she had six figures of student loan debt that she figured you didn’t want to know?
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As strange as it may sound, I think this is precisely something that ought to be learned before marriage. Why? Because it will greatly impact the marriage, that’s why; whether a couple can buy a house, a car, groceries, pay for birth of a child. Virginity or non-virginity will impact none of those things. If one is mature and knows one’s potential spouse’s character, virginity or lack thereof will impact nothing.

A couple contemplating marriage ought to do financial planning. A past affair is over with, and affects marriage planning in no way.
 
Ridgerunner said:
About as poor a reason to do it as I can imagine. Self-indulgent.

That’s what confession is for. That’s not what wives are for.
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Exactly. We “need to get something off our chest” and do that by burdening someone else with it–the spouse or potential spouse. I know of at least one marriage that was destroyed by that. And at least one other that was maintained by not unduly placing one spouse’s burdens of conscience on the spouse instead of the confessor.
 
JimG said:
Exactly. We “need to get something off our chest” and do that by burdening someone else with it–the spouse or potential spouse. I know of at least one marriage that was destroyed by that. And at least one other that was maintained by not unduly placing one spouse’s burdens of conscience on the spouse instead of the confessor.
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Absolutely.

Human sin is pervasive. It’s the nature of Original Sin. If we all got our truly just deserts, we would all be shot at sunrise. A real man won’t burden his wife with sins of which she has no knowledge. That’s Jesus’ job, and the confessors.
 
Ridgerunner said:
About as poor a reason to do it as I can imagine. Self-indulgent.

That’s what confession is for. That’s not what wives are for.
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When one trusts in a random priest more than their own spouse, that marriage has some serious communication problems. But people are different; however, I simply can’t wrap my mind around a priest being more important than my wife.

I’ll agree that there are some specific circumstances that require that, notably in certain situations that could destroy an otherwise stable marriage when children are involved.

Lastly, I learn a great many things from reading this forum. For example, I always thought that faithful Catholics could never get an annulment based on fraud or past condition. However, it appears many people think that what if they forgiven for a sin, they can act like it never happened, and simply hide it, even from their spouse, and even if could affect marital consent. So I admit that I was utterly misinformed and wrong on that matter.
 
Ridgerunner said:
As strange as it may sound, I think this is precisely something that ought to be learned before marriage. Why? Because it will greatly impact the marriage, that’s why; whether a couple can buy a house, a car, groceries, pay for birth of a child. Virginity or non-virginity will impact none of those things. If one is mature and knows one’s potential spouse’s character, virginity or lack thereof will impact nothing.

A couple contemplating marriage ought to do financial planning. A past affair is over with, and affects marriage planning in no way.
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This may or may not be true - that past affairs/relationships will have no impact on a marriage. Sex creates a bond. That’s why it’s so great for married couples. But equally it can create a similar bond in the unmarried, and that may affect future relationships. IMO people have a right to know about a potential spouse’s past in this regard, because it certainly can impact a marriage.

I think the OP has it right for now. Let things flow and if the topic comes up (which it very often does as relationships progress) be honest and open. If she doesn’t care about your past, then there is no harm done. If she does care, then I think, as above, that she has a right to know.
 
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