How Do You Tell Someone You Are Dating That You Are Not A Virgin?

[Ridgerunner]

It appears to me that the OP believes that this may affect the potential future spouse’s decision on whether she will continue to date/marry him. He would be ill advised to withhold this information if that is the case; it’s a no-brainer.

Of course, that is my opinion. I could forgive and marry a person that had sex with many people if she was up front about it. I could not marry a person that withheld the fact that they had a one-night stand with someone. Having a wife is not simply having some “buddy” that you can hang out with and tell her what you wish and hide everything else. I believe that two become one in marriage…Not two become 1 1/2 or something less. People respect honesty, and hate deception and dishonestly. A spouse deserves better.

A spouse does not deserve to be put in a pressure cooker about previous sexual relations either. She does not deserve to be presented with a man’s prior sins if she does not want to always wonder about those relationships. Nor does she deserve to be questioned about her own. The more I think about this, the more I become troubled by the possibility that if this young man feels it his obligation to tell his girlfriend about his prior escapades when she hasn’t asked, is he really trying to pressure her to tell him about hers?

The more I see of this thread, the more I wonder.

 

[Fairwinds]

It appears to me that the OP believes that this may affect the potential future spouse’s decision on whether she will continue to date/marry him. He would be ill advised to withhold this information if that is the case; it’s a no-brainer.

he’d be better served to leave her if she’s immature enough to make this a deal breaker.

Of course, that is my opinion. I could forgive and marry a person that had sex with many people if she was up front about it. I could not marry a person that withheld the fact that they had a one-night stand with someone. Having a wife is not simply having some “buddy” that you can hang out with and tell her what you wish and hide everything else. I believe that two become one in marriage…Not two become 1 1/2 or something less. People respect honesty, and hate deception and dishonestly. A spouse deserves better.

my opinion is that you won’t be divorcing anyone who disclosed, ten years into the marriage, that she had sex with someone who wasn’t you before you even knew her.

its just not that important.

 

[AnneTeresa]

Before you are married this should absolutely be discussed. I can’t imagine not discussing something this important! While you are just dating, I would say wait until and if you are serious. We definitely need to know this about a person we may spend the rest of our life wit h. Seriously I am shocked some here recommend not discussing this before marriage!

 

[hannajomar]

When I was dating my husband, I told him I wasn’t a virgin when we were seriously dating and discussing the possibility of marriage.

How much to tell seems to be a big question. I don’t think it’s wise to go into excruciating detail, but I think general descriptions are prudent. Where you a prostitute? Was it a one-time drunken event? Were you cohabiting? In my case, after telling him I wasn’t a virgin, I told him I when I was in college, I dated and just had much lower standards of myself than I do now. He didn’t ask any questions, but would have answered if he did. I think it’s important to share general life stories with the person you are going to marry.

 

[Kelfa28]

I believe it is prudent to at least let her know you aren’t a virgin.

But…in all honest, I would just leave it at that. It’s not fair to either of you to get into intimate details of past relationships.

My husband and I did…to an extent. He was engaged to a girl before me. Their engagement fell apart. This revelation did absolutely nothing positive for our relationship. I found I was comparing myself to his ex. I was comparing the timeline of our engagement and his past engagement. It wasn’t healthy at all. It would have been far better for both of us if he left it all out.

She really doesn’t need to know the perimeters of that relationship…in all seriousness. She only needs to know that you made a big mistake and have repented and are prepared to live chastely until marriage.

Leave it all out…who she is, that you lived with her, that you lived with her. It has no importance in this current relationship or the marriage. The relevant issues to bring up are the fact that you made a mistake, you are no longer a virgin, but you have repented and are ready to be chaste until you are married and the fact that you were tested for STDs and are clean.

 

[mek42]

It isn’t something I fret over often, but from time to time I am reminded of the way I used to live and how naive I was, and that is upsetting. It isn’t something I’m actively bothered, but I realize how upsetting it could be. Of all the decisions I’ve made and all of the sins I’ve committed, premarital sex is the one I regret the most.

Here is a beautiful girl who has had the strength and will to save herself for her future mate. And here I am who selfishly gave myself away outside of marriage to someone who really did not deserve me. All of this was because of my lack of faith. I think I’ve reconciled it within my own heart, and how it changed me, but I’ve not reconciled how it could affect my future spouse if God ever leads me to marriage.

Joshua C.

It sounds like you have a concern about being unequally yoked with this aspect of your prior life. This is good to resolve before the young happens. When you are close to talking about marriage, which may be now, I would find a special place and time, perhaps near the end of a special visit to a cathedral or basilica, and phrase it that you are concerned about being unequally yoked due to the shameful moment in your past.

I would tell her not for her, but for you. Your absolved past no longer stains your soul, but it still stains your memory. By sharing this with your prospective mate, you are obtaining an unstained beginning of your marital relationship.

 

[Fairwinds]

don’t forget to confess that time you kicked a stray dog, she deserves to know everything. unless that’s not Dramatic enough a sin.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

don’t forget to confess that time you kicked a stray dog, she deserves to know everything. unless that’s not Dramatic enough a sin.

I’m curious as to how you handled these situations with your wife.

 

[Fairwinds]

I’m curious as to how you handled these situations with your wife.

with maturity you learn two things about man-woman relationships.

first, a true gentlemen** never **discusses past loves.

second, for everything there is a season, and a time to leave the past alone. there are questions that, in the long run, you really don’t need to ask and details you really don’t want to know. and she knows this as well.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

with maturity you learn two things about man-woman relationships.

Okay, young man.

first, a true gentlemen** never **discusses past loves.

A true husband answers his wife’s questions. And a respectful discerning individual discusses items relevant to marriage.

You’ll learn these thing some day.

 

[57thDimension]

I have been tested. These things took place several years ago.

You would not have been tested for HPV. This would likely be of great concern to her (potential cancer risk, birth complications, and so forth).

If you continue to date a while before making it known, it may be too late for her to get the vaccine (and yes, I know it does not protect against the other two high-risk strains, but still…).

+Sebastian

 

[Fairwinds]

Okay, young man.

A true husband answers his wife’s questions. And a respectful discerning individual discusses items relevant to marriage.

You’ll learn these thing some day.

I’m not going to speculate on how long you’ve been married or even if you are or have been.

the OP will have mentioned to his girlfriend he’s been involved with over women and lived with one of them.

why does the conversation have to go past that? if she’s not naive or stupid she knows what this means. is there any reason she’d assume they lived chastely as bro and sis? does she want to know frequency so she can start comparing her own libido? positions? acts? is this obsession with virginity a deal breaker?

apart from the fact that marriage to a virgin is apparently the holy grail of marriages, why is this important to you?

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

apart from the fact that marriage to a virgin is apparently the holy grail of marriages, why is this important to you?

The lack of trust, and the lack of communication, destroys marriages.

My second wife is the most outgoing and honest individual that I have ever met, we hold no secrets, and we have an unbelievably wonderful marriage. Closeness cannot be achieved when things are hidden.

Based on my firsthand experience with both ends of the spectrum, I conclude the latter is the proper path to follow.

 

[Fairwinds]

The lack of trust, and the lack of communication, destroys marriages, and I have firsthand experience with that.

so has every high school kid.

why is a potential spouse’s past sexual experience so important? or disclosing your (the collective you) own?

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

so has every high school kid.

Every high school kid is not my spouse. And I don’t believe that the Church teaches a spouse is just any other person.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

why is a potential spouse’s past sexual experience so important?

Because it’s important that she know who I am. And while you are focusing solely on sex, it’s not limited to sex.

or disclosing your (the collective you) own?

Because she asked. And as a future spouse, she has every right to know.

 

[Fairwinds]

Every high school kid is not my spouse. And I don’t believe that the Church teaches a spouse is just any other person.

is this related, in any way, to the issue of a boyfriend/girlfriend getting the low down on each other’s past sex lives?

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

so has every high school kid.

is this related, in any way, to the issue of a boyfriend/girlfriend getting the low down on each other’s past sex lives?

FWIW, I feel like I’m speaking to a high school kid.

 

[Cojuanco]

If you’re not about to get engaged, you have no obligation to tell anyone besides your physician or your confessor or spiritual director.

 

[Fairwinds]

is this related, in any way, to the issue of a boyfriend/girlfriend getting the low down on each other’s past sex lives?

FWIW, I feel like I’m speaking to a high school kid.

I try not to hit on bait like that, do you know they’ll sometimes give an infraction for personal insults? so let me ask this again.

is knowing your (collective you) potential spouse is Not A Virgin, albeit a forgiven one, a deal breaker? why? and what level of detail do you (collectively) need to know?

I’m sensing a certain amount of braggadocio in re a guy (collectively) who’d insist on telling his girlfriend that he’s Experienced.