How does cohabitation hurt the chances of a lasting marriage?

[Joab_Anias]

I am looking for examples of how co-habitation may lessen the validity or strength of perseverance in a marriage in the long term to help me understand why its discouraged. Please exclude fornication or the temptation to it as an issue but anything else is fair game.

Peace and thanks in advance.

 

[THurifer2]

I believe the most damage that is done is on the spiritual plane

 

[VociMike]

Whatever the mechanisms, it is a statistical fact. A little Googling might turn up the data.

 

[Scottgun]

Please exclude fornication or the temptation to it as an issue but anything else is fair game.

Sorry to say hold your horses, but does this mean you already accept these as valid objections to cohabbing, or that you reject them? If the former fine, if the latter I’m afraid we can’t let the discussion scootch past them.

 

[ASimpleSinner]

I believe the most damage that is done is on the spiritual plane

I agree. You put yourself in a one, two, or three year phase where you live with great intimacy that is unprotected by true commitment (and a lease is not true commitment) I think you tend to always look over your shoulder as both parties prove themselves very vulnerable.

“Its just the same as being married” really doesn’t seem to ring true when you ask “well, why not marry then?”

After a one, two, or three year phase of feeling the vulnerability of noncommitment, I suspect for a lot of people the mindset when they DO get married is “well this isn’t all that different… I am pretty used to everything… nothing at all has changed!” In fact, that is the problem, one, two, or three years of non-comitment gives a certain feeling, marriage doesn’t change that feeling, and the feeling of vulnerability remains.

just my 2¢ based on watching four family members co-habitate long term, mary, and than divorce.

 

[lizaanne]

I can only speak from my own experience. I lived with my ex for about a year and a half before we had a wedding. When you live with someone, and I don’t care how committed you THINK you are, there is always the possibility of an “out”. There is still my stuff and your stuff. Yes, there is our stuff too, but when you are not married there is nothing stopping you from taking your stuff and leaving. There is a division in the relationship because the two are not one - I don’t care how in love or how soul mated a couple thinks they are. They are not one until/unless God joins them validly.

When you live together in this state, then the wedding happens, what is really different the next day? Yes, you are now one in Christ, but how do you manifest this in your life together when you have already been living together as man and wife to begin with? How do you make that transition to being truly one, when you have been two for so long yet together with the unseen division?

Many couples (as attested by the statistics) can’t make that transition. And they always perceive that available “out” to be there, just as it always was during their cohabitation.

When a couple come together for the first time AFTER marriage, the change in profound. There is a blending of things, - material, spiritual, emotional, physical. In such a way that it bonds the couple in an understanding of what it truly means to be one in Christ.

We were not meant to live together prior to marriage. To do so “messes things up” for lack of a better way of saying it. It twists that dynamic so we do not recognize the change we undergo when being transformed by the Sacrament - and in some strange way a part of us remains in a single state, and feels we can always just walk away when we want to.

Hope this makes sense. Again, it’s only my opinion, based on my own experience.



~Liza

 

[IrishAm]

It is also my antidotal experience that many men and women feel “obligated” to get married following cohabitation to individuals they may not have otherwise married, and often the marriages do not last. It is easier to break an engagement when you live apart.

 

[rpp]

Please exclude fornication or the temptation to it as an issue but anything else is fair game.

This is not a reasonable restriction. Such a restriction is like asking “What is so bad about heart disease? When answering, please exclude the loss of energy, weakness and premature death, anything else is fair game.”

 

[Joab_Anias]

Sorry to say hold your horses, but does this mean you already accept these as valid objections to cohabbing, or that you reject them? If the former fine, if the latter I’m afraid we can’t let the discussion scootch past them.

I believe they are the obvious and explicit that do not need to be rehashed for the purpose of my question.

I am more concerned in everything else.

For example, if one lives in chastity yet out of wed-lock as brother and sister, then since there is no sin, what other dynamics are at play to contribute to the statistic, or is the statistic reflected more so upon the fornication that would generally accompany co-habitation.

I understand that dynamic of fornication well enough I think, its the one about co-habitation on its own that I do not? Is it in and of itself as damaging to the longevity of marriage as it in and of itself is not sinful as fornication is? I tend to think it is in its own ways but cannot put my finger on exactly why. Freedom of choice comes to mind but then couldn’t that commitment be made on its own outside of the Churches endorcement and still be lasting?

Inquiring minds want to know.

Peace.

 

[Joab_Anias]

I agree. You put yourself in a one, two, or three year phase where you live with great intimacy that is unprotected by true commitment (and a lease is not true commitment) I think you tend to always look over your shoulder as both parties prove themselves very vulnerable.

“Its just the same as being married” really doesn’t seem to ring true when you ask “well, why not marry then?”

After a one, two, or three year phase of feeling the vulnerability of noncommitment, I suspect for a lot of people the mindset when they DO get married is “well this isn’t all that different… I am pretty used to everything… nothing at all has changed!” In fact, that is the problem, one, two, or three years of non-comitment gives a certain feeling, marriage doesn’t change that feeling, and the feeling of vulnerability remains.

just my 2¢ based on watching four family members co-habitate long term, mary, and than divorce.

Interesting. So in your observation, how would remaining apart contribute to a stronger commitment after marriage than before?

Thanks for this answer.

Peace.

 

[Joab_Anias]

This is not a reasonable restriction. Such a restriction is like asking “What is so bad about heart disease? When answering, please exclude the loss of energy, weakness and premature death, anything else is fair game.”

I understand what your saying. Fornication doesn’t play into my question.

There is an element of risk in cohabitation on its own without the factor of fornication that I am hoping to gain insight on.

Just as I could say he died of heart disease but never smoked or ate red meat. Smoking or red meat being the fornication. Make sense?

Peace.

 

[GraceDK]

Some other good reasons if you are a Christian:

Don’t lead your brother to falling. Someone may watch you and think: oh Joab is a good Christian and he lives with a woman… hm, they are all hypocrites, those Christians! … Or a fragile soul might try to imitate you, think he can live chastely with his girl friend and then fall into temptation and fall.

One more reason in the same category: how will you teach your children to wait with sex if they know that mom and dad lived together prior to getting married? The role model thing is extremely important especially today… our failure to be good role models does damage to the whole Body of Christ…

Grace

(JoabAnias, I realise you are not posting this question because you live like this your self … just wanted to make that clear

 

[GraceDK]

hm… I see only now that I misunderstood your question a little bit… but still the unhealthy situation is like poison for a couple to grow in…
for me I think that if a man wanted to live with me and I saw myself as a Christian woman I would feel he did not respect me but was in a way using me. I would also loose some respect for him because of his lack of ability to control himself and live in a dignified way.
I had this experience with a man that I loved and still love. The first time he let me know he wanted to sleep with me something changed in the way I respected and estimed him even though this feeling came as a surprise to myself.

The feeling of being used or just one in a line is a problem in many people who are afraid of real commitment… its like a vicious cycle I think… and it may well be subconscious and express it self in disharmony in any relationship that is not founded on God… for I believe that is what you are talking about. Serious Christians dont cohabitate …

 

[jmcrae]

I have heard it said that, a man will live with a woman who will “do” until he meets the woman that he would actually marry.

A woman will live with a man in the hopes that eventually he will ask her to marry him.

Real life seems to bear this out, in my experience.

 

[Joe_5859]

Good answers so far! I’ll just elaborate on a few points.

Even if a couple is living chastely, there is still a great possibility for scandal. Most people presume that a couple who is living together are not being chaste. This is not a minor thing. It can add fuel to the fire for someone who is on the fence regarding the Church. Plus, it severely diminishes one’s credibility in making any sort of comment on couples that are co-habiting but are engaging in fornication. You would be hard-pressed to convince your family member that they are making a mistake when, on the surface, it looks like they’re doing the same thing you did.

Also, one of the main reasons I’ve heard in favor of co-habitation is that it is sort of a compatibility check or trial run for marriage. How else will I know if I can live with someone who leaves the top off the toothpaste and squeezes the tube from the middle instead of the bottom? When one is immersed in this sort of mindset, it seems that divorce would be an easy answer if they decide they can’t live with the person after they get married rather than before.

I think it comes down to the difference between “trying” something and “commitment” to do something. I can try to lose weight or go to Mass every day. But unless I have a firm committment to do those things, I likely will not be successful. Because if you are trying without the commitment, there is no accountability. When your marriage starts off with this “trial” mentality, it’s hard to move beyond it.

 

[ASimpleSinner]

Interesting. So in your observation, how would remaining apart contribute to a stronger commitment after marriage than before?

Thanks for this answer.

Peace.

IrishAm states part of it well:

It is also my antidotal experience that many men and women feel “obligated” to get married following cohabitation to individuals they may not have otherwise married, and often the marriages do not last. It is easier to break an engagement when you live apart.

Anecdotally I have also noted that the consideration given to co-habitation and marriage is NOT the same. What started out for one relative as expedient after they noticed “regular hook-ups” were setting the norm for where one slept… Well when his apartment lease was up, since he already had the toothbrush and half his stuff hanging in her closet, he just moved in.

It lead to a bit of an arranged marriage - a marriage originally arranged by two kids motivated by some hook up action… As things feel into place, they lived together and “why not” became the question when it came to marriage.

Really, it should have been “Why?”

Obviously, that sort of vocational discernment - mired in pragmatic expedience on fornication is problematic. We don’t encourage men to become priests because they never had a date in their life or enjoy wearing black all the time because stains don’t show! Why would cohabitation be the method of discernment for the Christian vocation of marriage?

As to living apart being better - well let’s think about this and add chastity to the mix. Among my friends I have seen the same episode play out in co-habitation: Generally speaking leverage comes into play. Women will use sex to influence, men will appease for sex. (Please no outraged cries of sexism, I am working with the fast & lose *85%+ of the time *rule!) I have heard female friends in that situation casually state “He is not getting any till he cleans the house!” I have heard men state “I gotta keep her happy (why) so she doesn’t b#%#$% and I can get a little.” Not a very promising foundation for relationships is it?

Never mind how judgement gets clouded. You don’t want to start over even though in your mind you keep tabs of “well in a break up, the TV is mine, the DVR is hers, the dog… well we got him together but I walk him more, but she buys the food… could get tricky!”

Sex and cohabitation also leads to pairbonding. When women have sex a rush of endorphins identical to that experience while breast-feeding occurs. When men have sex, validation occurs. Who wants to get hooked on that sort of powerful affirmation (even if it is with the wrong person!) and try to leave it. “I want to go, but I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to move out, I don’t want to start over… Maybe marriage will make this work?”

I don’t write these things from theory but from painful experience. Far be it from me to suggest these are bad people and I am so much better - I am not, I did all the same things and co-habitated.

I can now only boast that I have learned my lessons and am better informed. Pragmatically speaking, no matter how good the intentions are, I think we can see, this just does not work out.

 

[Joab_Anias]

Also, one of the main reasons I’ve heard in favor of co-habitation is that it is sort of a compatibility check or trial run for marriage.

What if the reason for cohabitation was not for a trial marriage at all. Such as financial reasons. We are facing a new phenomenon of long distance relationships.

Lets say for example; The most practical way to close the distance gap is to cohabitate for a short time so that one can relocate. Commitment to marry is already made on time already spent together chastely. What ramifications could be encountered down the road if this is considered a viable possibility with full intent to seperate and then enter into a proper courtship and marriage within the Church once a communal life is established while living in seperate residences?

Peace.

 

[Joab_Anias]

It is also my antidotal experience that many men and women feel “obligated” to get married following cohabitation to individuals they may not have otherwise married, and often the marriages do not last. It is easier to break an engagement when you live apart.

What if they already committed to getting married before entering into cohabitation for practical reasons?

Peace.

 

[Joab_Anias]

We were not meant to live together prior to marriage. To do so “messes things up” for lack of a better way of saying it. It twists that dynamic so we do not recognize the change we undergo when being transformed by the Sacrament - and in some strange way a part of us remains in a single state, and feels we can always just walk away when we want to.

I am assuming this was a chaste relationship until after marriage. If so, do you think it would have made a difference if you had agreed to seperate before getting married? If so, what difference?

Peace.

 

[ASimpleSinner]

What if they already committed to getting married before entering into cohabitation for practical reasons?

Peace.

I can’t give a hard and fast rule or condemn everyone via a hypothetical example. In fact after my “reversion” to the Catholic faith I scandalously “co-habitated” with a married woman in my three bedroom house who moved to my city for a new job and to get away from an SOB who was (at least he tried to be, was too intoxicated most of the time) violently abusive.

Now lest anyone think there was hanky-panky, let me make clear she was three inches taller than I, had 30 pounds on me, and was the daughter of an Olympic Judo coach. Had I tried anything untoward, I would probably be typing this with my tongue!

Now having said all that I can offer that the circumstance you describe would most certainly (almost) never be the first option I would encourage, out of fear that the most honorable and chaste intentions could not survive natural challenges.

(Who wants to kid whom? I know that a man is going to find his intended sexy, and a gal is gonna think her intended handsome! This is good and well ordered and meant to be! It also, pre-marriage, makes the challenge of chastity not so easy!)

It would be harder still (you know, like marriage is hard) and cause some discomfort (you know, like Christians are called to accept crosses) and perhaps be somewhat inconvienant (you know, like Christians aren’t called to the easy convienant way) but my first suggestion in a long-distance relationship where effort is being made to co-habitate the same city… Is for both parties to consider getting roommates who are NOT each other. Let him find a Catholic gent in need of a roommie, let her do the same with a Catholic lass… If you think it can’t be done, post on here “Catholic male moving to Hobocken looking for Catholic (MALE) roommate” and see what comes of it… It can be.

Again, hard and fast rules are not always possible, but sometimes we find somethings we consider “impossible” aren’t impossible at all, they are just especially inconvienant.