How important is physical appearance when dating?

[Blue_Rose]

Is it wrong to not want to date someone because you don’t find them attractive?
Or should a person date and not worry about appearance and consider the personality and character only?
What do you think?
If you are married, were you initially attracted to your spouse when you met?

 

[Gordon_Sims]

Is it wrong to not want to date someone because you don’t find them attractive?
Or should a person date and not worry about appearance and consider the personality and character only?
What do you think?
If you are married, were you initially attracted to your spouse when you met?

I don’t think it’s wrong to not want to date someone because you don’t find them attractive, but I don’t think a person should bank entirely on looks, either. Looks fade, weight can increase or decrease, health issues and other things can change a person’s appearance dramatically, and everyone has at least the occasional morning when they wake up looking like something the cat dragged in (except me, of course…I wake up like that every morning). I will say that when I met my wife, she was the physical embodiment of every trait I found attractive in a woman. She was absolutely gorgeous. That wasn’t why I married her, but it hasn’t hurt over the years. That being said, before I met her there were girls I knew who I didn’t find at all physically attractive but would have dated in a heartbeat had they asked me out. The bulk of them were friends, some close friends, and I either didn’t have the self-confidence to ask them out myself or didn’t want to risk ruining a friendship. Back then, my take was that as long as a girl didn’t have horrible hygiene issues, I was open to the idea of going out with her.

 

[pensmama87]

Is it wrong to not want to date someone because you don’t find them attractive?
Or should a person date and not worry about appearance and consider the personality and character only?
What do you think?
If you are married, were you initially attracted to your spouse when you met?

If I were not married (but somehow had acquired all the wisdom from dating and then being married ), here’s what I would have done:

• Agreed to go on at least one date with someone who was willing to ask me out, even if I didn’t find him attractive. Sometimes people become more attractive when you get to know them better, and a first date is a great opportunity to do that.
• If, after a few dates I was still not attracted, I would not agree to any more dates.
• I know a lot of posters on CAF are more traditional, but, if I were attracted to a man and wanted to date him, I would either ask him out myself or let him know that I was interested. My husband and I did a dance for months where I dropped hints but he didn’t get it. I could have saved a lot of anxiety for both of us (because we both liked each other, but couldn’t tell if the other person did) if I had just said, “Hey. I like you.” For some men, subtlety gets you nowhere. Letting a man know you like him is not the same thing as being desperate. Being too scared to be honest, IMO, is a recipe for dating disaster.

I guess that kind of answers the last question - yes, I did find my husband attractive when we first met, and he found me attractive too. Neither of us are models or anything, but we clean up well. Attractiveness isn’t reserved for just a select portion of the population.

One thing that I think makes dating hard these days is the perception that you are either hooking up (so no expectation of exclusivity now or in the future) or that you are “in a relationship.” That puts a lot of pressure on the first few dates, which are supposed to just be getting to know the person. But if you date someone a couple of times and you know they aren’t a good fit, then you quit dating him. It’s not personal, it doesn’t mean you hate him. But I know a LOT of people who feel obligated to continue to date someone just because they already started dating the person, even though there shouldn’t be any expectation of exclusive dating or a relationship at that point.

Anyway - my point is - no attraction initially does not mean it won’t develop, but you should be attracted to someone you decide to exclusively date or be in a relationship with.

 

[Cat]

I see nothing wrong with seeking out dates that you find physically attractive, but I think that if “physical attractiveness” is high up on your “wish list,” you run the risk of bypassing some real gems.

I agree with others that physical attractiveness is fleeting, and can be destroyed in an instant (accident, illness, etc.) or over time (aging process, illness, etc.).

If you want to know what a young person will look like when they get older, look at their parents.

Also, if you find fatness or obesity repulsive, be careful about getting involved with someone who “loves food” and is able to eat a LOT of food (and drink) and stay thin.

Even if that person is thin, if they are young, the thinness is probably the result of a combination of youth and activity level. As people get older, the ability to eat all you want and stay thin often goes away (it did with me and many others that I know!). Also, as a person gets older, job and family responsibilities make it harder and harder to maintain an “active” lifestyle, and so the pounds tend to creep on.

Also, even if a person is a marathon runner (or involved with some other physical activity) when they are young and is determined to continue this activity, sometimes the body betrays us. I used to do all kinds of activities, but when I developed osteoarthritis in my left knee, it became impossible to do these activities. Even riding a stationary bike hurts me now.

These types of physical chronic conditions happen even to people who try to stay in shape and at a good weight, and the result is often a decrease in physical activity, which leads to weight gain.

I hope you’re getting the idea that physical attractiveness is fleeting!

 

[johnsmith2025]

There’s nothing wrong with it at all. The fact is, we can’t force ourselves to be with someone who we aren’t attracted to.

Granted, when you reject the advances of someone who wants you, instead of simply accepting it, they like to lash out and say the same two standard things they always say, which are “You’ve just shallow” and “It’s YOUR loss”.

But you can’t worry about what they think of you – and since you aren’t going to be with them anyway, the way they think about you is irrelevant.

We can’t worry about what people think of us every time we exercise our right to be choosy.

 

[acadiANNA]

I was attracted to my husband because of his kindness. Church-going and God-fearing made him even more attractive. My friends said he looked weak and sickly. But I could see past that. Life is good.

 

[JamalChristophr]

The Catechism of the Catholic Church has some beautiful and wise things to say in this area. I just, for now, wanted to share with you one paragraph that I think is particularly good:

1643 “Conjugal love involves a totality, in which all the elements of the person enter—appeal of the body and instinct, power of feeling and affectivity, aspiration of the spirit and of will. It aims at a deeply personal unity, a unity that, beyond union in one flesh, leads to forming one heart and soul; it demands indissolubility and faithfulness in definitive mutual giving; and it is open to fertility. In a word it is a question of the normal characteristics of all natural conjugal love, but with a new significance which not only purifies and strengthens them, but raises them to the extent of making them the expression of specifically Christian values.”152 (2361)

 

[SuperLuigi]

Blue_Rose;12182829]Is it wrong to not want to date someone because you don’t find them attractive?
Or should a person date and not worry about appearance and consider the personality and character only?
What do you think?

Well, I don’t think someone should be dating another person if they aren’t attracted to them.

That wouldn’t make for a good long-term relationship or marriage .

The fact is appearance does play a role, so people need to make sure they take care of themselves.

Also, there’s always the deal where the girl/guy looks like a hurtful ex or a relative and some people may not be able to deal with it.

If you are married, were you initially attracted to your spouse when you met?

Yes.

 

[SuperLuigi]

I was attracted to my husband because of his kindness. Church-going and God-fearing made him even more attractive. My friends said he looked weak and sickly. But I could see past that. Life is good.

It really boils down to a personal choice. I’m glad you were able to see through that and find someone.

 

[Xantippe]

There’s very good advice upthread. I particularly like what Cat and Pensmama87 said.

I think it really is true that people get more attractive when we know they are good people, and less attractive the more we know about internal ugliness. So, while I think one ought to be physically attracted to one’s spouse, attractiveness has a fairly large subjective element that will develop over time. My go-to example for this is Michael Scott, the boss from “The Office.” Objectively speaking, he is a ridiculously good-looking guy. Subjectively, though, the character is a lazy narcissist with no impulse control, so at some point you stop noticing the fact that he’s technically very handsome. That just doesn’t register after he’s done some ridiculous or selfish thing. Likewise, think of a beloved friend or relative. How good-looking are they, really? Maybe they’re fat or wrinkly or have bad skin. And yet the fact that we know that they have a heart of gold makes them seem way better looking than they objectively are.

 

[WildCatholic]

Not to get negative about this but I guess sometimes as a less attractive man i feel that attractive Catholic men (and women too) disregard us even if we do have an awesome faith. It feels a lot of the time like most devout people are looking for Catholic Superman/woman who’s attractive, faithful, smart and other attractive qualities.
I know that attractiveness is different for everyone, but there are some people who just aren’t going to have an easy time finding someone because they aren’t physically attractive. Also from my own experience, being physically unattractive seems to heighten your negative personality qualities. So if an overweight girl is a little pushy and loud she seems more so because she’s overweight, or if a guy is sickly and skinny and rather freaky looking if he acts like a creep it seems heightened because he’s unattractive. Also happens with attractive people since there are plenty of people who want to be with attractive people who have internal issues.

I know I sound negative and I try to be positive because of my faith, but any more i’ve just accepted the fact God made me the way i am and maybe if I was more attractive i’d abuse that power and commit grave sins. Also my personality is a little hard to live with so i guess i just have to accept what i’ve been given.

 

[Xantippe]

Not to get negative about this but I guess sometimes as a less attractive man i feel that attractive Catholic men (and women too) disregard us even if we do have an awesome faith. It feels a lot of the time like most devout people are looking for Catholic Superman/woman who’s attractive, faithful, smart and other attractive qualities.
I know that attractiveness is different for everyone, but there are some people who just aren’t going to have an easy time finding someone because they aren’t physically attractive. Also from my own experience, being physically unattractive seems to heighten your negative personality qualities. So if an overweight girl is a little pushy and loud she seems more so because she’s overweight, or if a guy is sickly and skinny and rather freaky looking if he acts like a creep it seems heightened because he’s unattractive. Also happens with attractive people since there are plenty of people who want to be with attractive people who have internal issues.

I know I sound negative and I try to be positive because of my faith, but any more i’ve just accepted the fact God made me the way i am and maybe if I was more attractive i’d abuse that power and commit grave sins. Also my personality is a little hard to live with so i guess i just have to accept what i’ve been given.

I don’t think that’s true about “most devout people.” Obviously, they’d love the sort of Catholic Superman/woman you describe, but they’d take a lot less. In my single days, I don’t think I turned down anybody who asked me out–granted there weren’t a great many offers. I think I’ve officially been “out” with maybe four different guys total, including my husband.

You are quite right about unattractiveness compounding the effect of unpleasant personality traits. People who have physical issues have to work harder on grooming, hygiene, neat and attractive clothing, and being pleasant and charming.

In our circle, there is a great younger guy (easily 270+ pounds and lots acne scars) who is married to a sweet woman with a similar weight. They have similar backgrounds and interests and they both bring a lot to the table in terms of personality, organizational ability and virtue.

We have to bring something to the table other than having a pulse and going to church–lots of people have a pulse and go to church.

 

[SmileyRose1]

As much as I would like to think that someone’s physical appearance does not really matter, I was always taught to tell the truth, unless of course it’s a little white lie and you are trying very hard not to hurt someone’s feelings.

In honesty, the men I have dated may not have been the greatest looking guys on earth, but I was physically attracted to them at the time of first dating them.

Let’s not forget, physical attraction does not have to be about someone’s overall appearance. Quite the contrary as physical attraction could just mean you were attracted to their eyes, their smile etc therefore yes! I would say that I am attracted to physical appearance, because I like kind eyes and a nice friendly smile, to me those are the most attractive features someone can have.

SmileyRose x

 

[Blue_Rose]

I think as I get older I don’t believe in the fairy tale sort of love that I thought existed when I was younger. I thought when you meet Mr Right it was going to be love at first sight but what I’ve learned is the men who I found most attractive lost their attractiveness because they weren’t that attractive inside.
I also found that looks fade, the guy I thought I was going to marry when I was 17 who I thought at the time was the most handsome thing on the planet I recently bumped into (it’s been 6 years since I spoke to him) and I thought he looks ugly now!
In retrospect I am thankful I didn’t marry him because his personality just wasn’t right.

Now, I believe the most attractive thing about a man is his soul. It’s his faith, devotion to God, love and kindness that truly matter.

 

[WildCatholic]

As much as I would like to think that someone’s physical appearance does not really matter, I was always taught to tell the truth, unless of course it’s a little white lie and you are trying very hard not to hurt someone’s feelings.

Why lie to avoid hurt feelings? I hate when people do this. I know it isn’t that bad but i guess i’m a person who doesn’t like to mince words. Don’t get me wrong you shouldn’t be a jerk about rejecting someone but there are nice ways to do it without lying. To me this seems like High school ****. Just tell the truth but in a nice way. For example instead of saying “lets be friends” just say “I don’t like you okay”.

 

[Xantippe]

Why lie to avoid hurt feelings? I hate when people do this. I know it isn’t that bad but i guess i’m a person who doesn’t like to mince words. Don’t get me wrong you shouldn’t be a jerk about rejecting someone but there are nice ways to do it without lying. To me this seems like High school ****. Just tell the truth but in a nice way. For example instead of saying “lets be friends” just say “I don’t like you okay”.

Or, the somewhat nicer, “I don’t like you that way” or “I don’t think we have good chemistry.”

 

[WildCatholic]

Or, the somewhat nicer, “I don’t like you that way” or “I don’t think we have good chemistry.”

Thank you you actually get it. People seem to be about not hurting others feelings. Who cares if feelings are hurt as long as the truth is told in the correct way.

 

[Blue_Rose]

Thank you you actually get it. People seem to be about not hurting others feelings. Who cares if feelings are hurt as long as the truth is told in the correct way.

I don’t exactly get asked often, but the few times I actually did I declined by a simple “no, sorry”.

 

[Blue_Rose]

I think a woman needs to be straightforward with a man.

My friend had a male friend who was interested in her but she couldn’t bring herself to give him the simple “no”. She would say instead “I’m just not ready for a relationship yet”.
Which was a lie, but if gave the guy hope that one day she would be ready and he kept pursuing her.
It ended up causing problems because the guy still had hope for a relationship even when my friend started dating another guy.

Women need to be clear and not lie. It could hurt him more if you lie.

 

[WildCatholic]

I think a woman needs to be straightforward with a man.

My friend had a male friend who was interested in her but she couldn’t bring herself to give him the simple “no”. She would say instead “I’m just not ready for a relationship yet”.
Which was a lie, but if gave the guy hope that one day she would be ready and he kept pursuing her.
It ended up causing problems because the guy still had hope for a relationship even when my friend started dating another guy.

Women need to be clear and not lie. It could hurt him more if you lie.

Yeah, and not to attack women here but I think a lot of them think that hurting them does more damage. Honestly it’s worse if you don’t tell us because than it just leads to embarrassment. Plus a lot of guys are dumb. We don’t always receive signals well. Sadly with women at times they aren’t clear in communicating (some men aren’t either) and it just leads to a bad situation. I know with myself i’m terrible at getting signals. Just quit with the games and tell me the truth.