How much authority does Traditional husband have?

[RadWife]

I’ve been married 7 years and I am pregnant with our 5th child. My husband was raised evangelical and converted shortly before our marriage. Over the past year, he has become increasingly convicted with traditionalism, and we go to Latin Mass about once a month. I am a cradle Novus Ordo Catholic and am warming up slowly to the Latin Mass, but do not wear a veil. There are very few traditional Catholics in our area.

He’s a great guy and a wonderful father, and other than getting on my case for gaining too much weight since our marriage (about 40 lbs), he’s a terrific husband who brings me flowers, takes me on dates and helps around the house.

Here is my question: since my husband started reading and learning more about the Latin Mass, he seems to think he needs to be more authoritarian with me…and it’s starting to hurt our marriage. We generally get along really well and only fight once a month or less, but when we do, he pulls the “I’m the head of this household and you will do what I say” card. He doesn’t have a good role marriage to pull from (mom and stepdad are divorced), and he admitted he’s been trying to figure it out on his own. He told me to go to my room yesterday and that he has authority over me.

How do I live the Scripture ordering me to be submissive to my husband without ruining our marriage? It goes against every cell in my body to meekly obey whatever he says.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

The Catholic Church teaches that spouses are equals and that they both should treat each other with respect.

It matters not whether your husband is a traditionalist or a modernist - the same Catholic Church teachings apply to all.

It sounds like your husband gets frustrated and has trouble dealing with his frustration and communicating with you like an adult. I would suggest a talk with your priest or perhaps something like marriage counseling or a Marriage Encounter weekend. Meanwhile, I congratulate you for your patience in dealing with this so far.

 

[whatistrue]

My answer to the title question is “Only as much as the two of you together mutually agree that he has”. That’s the short answer. One thing that struck me is that he seems to want to change the understanding that the two of you together (presumably) agreed on at the beginning of your marriage. That he is not allowed to do unilaterally in my opinion. No competent adult should ever be dictated to in that manner without their free consent.

 

[Fauken]

His submission to you is to put your needs and well-being above his own. He’s misusing his God-given authority to act like an obnoxious boss.

Exactly. In exchange for the submission of his wife who is to obey her husband as the Church obeys Christ, the husband must die for his wife as Christ died for the Church.

 

[Emeraldlady]

He told me to go to my room yesterday and that he has authority over me.

This is not what Christian submission is at all. He is treating you like a naughty child and that’s not good for a marriage at all. Perhaps talk to the Priest who says the Latin Mass because your husband is more likely to accept his guidance.

 

[vern_humphrey]

Here’s the problem: He isn’t in this discussion, and we can’t talk to him. So it’s pointless to say what he should or should not do – he isn’t here.

Here’s want I do: My wife and I recite our marriage vows together each morning and meditate on what a solemn promise that is. If you do it right, you can feel the weight of your promise settling on your shoulders. For the rest of the day, you can feel it and it influences how you relate to each other.

Then we make the Sign of the Cross and say, “Help me, Father. Help me to love this man (woman) more today than I loved him (her) yesterday. Help me, Father, to grow my love for him (her) day by day, every day, as long as I live. Amen.” Conclude with the sign of the cross.

 

[1Lord1Faith]

since my husband started reading and learning more about the Latin Mass, he seems to think he needs to be more authoritarian with me…and it’s starting to hurt our marriage.

You can discern a thing by its fruit. It would seem, judging by the fruit, that your husband should back off of the “traditionalism”. He’s not doing it right (if there even is a way to do it right). He may also be getting bad guidance from another “traditionalist”.

Be careful of people who set themselves apart as if they are superior.

 

[twf]

Sending his wife to her room like she’s a child was a major jerk move and a big red flag for me.

Let’s just say if I tried that at home with my Protestant wife, I would be on the couch for a month…if I survived at all.

Headship is about sacrifice. I hope with his newfound authority he’s also sacrificing equally more for you and the kids.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

It would seem, judging by the fruit, that your husband should back off of the “traditionalism”. He’s not doing it right (if there even is a way to do it right). He may also be getting bad guidance from another “traditionalist”.

Yes, without naming names there are definitely so-called “traditionalist” authors out there pushing the “Me Tarzan, You Jane” school of marital communication and wifely submission.
It is their personal opinions - NOT the teaching of the Catholic Church.
And it is unlikely to help anyone’s marriage, at least in Western culture.

 

[Fauken]

This right here is borderline fetish with a serious creep factor. What kind of Latin Mass sites has he been visiting? This sounds like some garbage he might have read off of some radical traditionalist schismatic forums, not the local FSSP webpage or blogspot.

Indeed. I’ve never ever heard of this happening in any of the trad families I know.

 

[Fauken]

It doesn’t surprise me that it exists, since truth can be abused. I’ve just never personally heard of a case of it.

 

[redbetta]

Your room? Do you guys not share the same bedroom despite being married?

Also, your husband sounds more like a caricature of traditional Catholic men than anything.

 

[1ke]

Over the past year, he has become increasingly convicted with traditionalism, and we go to Latin Mass about once a month.

What does it mean to be “convicted with traditionalism”?

I am a cradle Novus Ordo Catholic

There is no such thing as a Norvus Order Catholic. You are a Catholic.

other than getting on my case for gaining too much weight since our marriage (about 40 lbs),

Five kids in 7 years and he’s “getting on your case” about gaining weight?!?

Doesn’t sound like a “great guy” to me.

since my husband started reading and learning more about the Latin Mass, he seems to think he needs to be more authoritarian with me…

These two things are completely unrelated. Doesn’t sound like authentic Catholicism to me.

he pulls the “I’m the head of this household and you will do what I say”

Marriage counseling, now.

He told me to go to my room yesterday and that he has authority over me.

He isn’t your parent.

I can’t even print what I would say to my husband if he had the audacity to say something like that to me. Well actually, I would probably just laugh my head off.

How do I live the Scripture ordering me to be submissive to my husband without ruining our marriage?

If that is what you think Scripture is saying, you both need counsel from your priest because that is NOT what it is saying. He is not your parent and you are not a child. You are partners, equal in dignity.

It goes against every cell in my body to meekly obey whatever he says.

.

 

[mrsdizzyd]

This is awful. I see red flag everywhere here. Husbands are not supposed to lord over their wives. They are to emulate Christ’s sacrificial love. What kind of “Christ” is he by sending you to your room and disregarding your feelings? Stand up for yourself. Do not let him talk to you/treat you like this.

 

[Emeraldlady]

I can’t even print what I would say to my husband if he had the audacity to say something like that to me.

Same!

 

[GiftofMercy]

Hi Radwife, Others have answered and commented so I won’t reiterate or go over their replies. I will say, I go to the EF latin Mass as well as the OF vernacular Mass, both weekly. There are Women at both Masses that wear head coverings and those who do not , please do not feel you must. Women do not have to these days.

It is lovely that you both go to EF Latin Mass together. I suggest you both make a time to speak with the priest who celebrates the Latin Mass. Ask him to explain what 'head of the household means and if it is right for your husband to send you to your room and for you to submit to everything he says.

Tell your husband you are confused and really both of you should speak to the priest about this.

 

[HopkinsReb]

RadWife:

He told me to go to my room yesterday

The only time the above words should ever be said by a husband to a wife are when those words are followed by "because I see the kids are rowdy and you’re exhausted. So go take a nap, read a book, browse the web…I’ll make dinner or order out and then I’ll get these rugrats to clean up afterwards".

The great secret to being a good husband is to tell the wife to do what she wants to do anyway.

I should do that more.

 

[Mi_Rose]

I just want to say 5 kids in 7 years and you only gained 40 pounds. Good for you.

 

[PrayForMe]

Hi, Radwife,

The husband/father is the “spiritual head” of the household. This does not mean he is to rule his household with an iron fist and boss his wife around like she is a child.

Sadly, this is not the first time I have heard something like this. There is a small but very dangerous current in the Traditionalist movement that has taken the words of St. Paul about wives being submissive to their husbands greatly out of context. It seems your husband has stumbled upon this line of thought somehow, perhaps on the internet or from a fellow parishioner at the Latin Mass.

Either way, my advice is to seek guidance from a priest and to be sure that prayer is prevalent in your household so that Christ may remain present in your family and marriage. I’ll pray for you and your husband.

 

[SeraficLeo]

If someone is going to use that verse to exercise authority, they should probably keep it in mind they are giving both Christ and his vicars on earth the right to use it on him in the exact same way. If anything, that should cause us to treat people with more love, patience and respect - unless you honestly would “humbly submit” to being talked to or treated like a child by your pastors and ordered to go to your room by them, etc.

Regardless, I would recommend talking to someone with your husband perhaps to work things out peacefully and lovingly together.