A
AlanFromWichita
Guest
I wouldn’t say it made it worse, but poor spiritual training through most of my life (as an active Catholic no less) made it very confusing to reconcile many things, in particular what we at the parish taught and what we, in the parish leadership, did. And that was a major trigger, as my whole episode kicked off with a very extremely scary event in the cathedral, across the parking lot where I had been doing volunteer data entry into the bishop’s database for the synod. I was taking thousands of “private confessions,” the first time the laity were formally asked for opinions about the church, and the ones they choose anonymously I ended up helping enter a few thousand of them. I’ll tell you, process a few thousand strong opinions on something important to you, through your mind and out your fingers, and it can change the way one looks at the church.Now I would like to ask you something frankly,just your experience,I mean.
Have you ever experienced that when you are mentally unhealthy(to put it somehow) religion,spiritual gluttony,and kind of difficult and complicated,intrincated readings/quests can become an obsession and make you worse?
I am not saying to stay away from God,nor prayer nor anything of the sort.
As far as obsession, I don’t know about the technical term, but I was very, very intent on studying philosophy, science, religion, and others, and other people associated my yearning for religious connection with my symptoms. So from the outside, they thought that I was so obsessed over religion that it was causing the problems. My own psychiatrist recommended I cut out coming here and doing other religious things above and beyond what’s required.
But I knew that somewhere, were answers, and I continued to seek them, sometimes in the most bizarre of ways. I have seen some pretty bizarre things, though. Like I was in the little organ loft because I was playing pipe organ at St. Anthony, and at one point during Mass, I looked over and the figure on the crucifix was as a serpent, and was moving. I hid down behind the little guard rail, in kind of a air-raid position (are you old enough to remember those?) and at times lying on my side, and I only got up to play songs and then got back on the floor. I didn’t see a lot of significance to it, except that after Mass I saw my ex-boss I hadn’t seen in years, who happens to be the brother of the deceased beloved priest that was our diocese exorcist. So I thought it was possible that Ken’s presence in the audience may have contributed, but it’s not particularly useful to actually assume there was a connection. I just thought it was interesting.
So no, the religious symbols, especially the scary ones, provided for some serious great theater, the likes of which I’ve never seen on the big screen although some movies did a pretty good job of showing what it was like – like A Beautiful Mind. I don’t say they made things worse; I say they were on my path to healing, whoever put them there. In and of themselves, I don’t think they had any power except as an agent seed to plant in my mind that would eventually grow into a sort of healing complex.
I hope I answered the question.
Alan
