How much should physical attraction matter?

[Paddy1989]

I don’t think “she deserves better” necessarily means she deserves a better person! I didn’t mean it that way! When I said “she deserves better”, I mean she deserves a better situation.

I’ve had a guy tell me he could never date me because he thought I was smarter than he was. Other guys will say they were attracted to their wives because the admire their wives’ intelligence. Some women want a husband who is ambitious. Others positively do not want someone who is ambitious. Some people want someone who takes the trouble to dress and groom themselves meticulously, and feel that those who don’t lack a certain respect for the people who have to look that them. Others don’t want that, saying it wastes money and makes the person “high maintenance.” Some women want hunters, others do not want hunters.

Look at the work of Peter Paul Rubens, and you’ll see that some first-rate artists see the highest beauty in women who are carrying far more pounds than today’s models (who would unfortunately look like symbols of death, if they were plunked naked into a Rubens scene, particularly the ones who have teeth removed to achieve that “gaunt” look). Some can say that “look” is unhealthy, and perhaps it is, but the truth is that for some people, their genes probably dictate that they’ll look something like a Rubens painting at their best.

So yes we understand that people are different and are attracted to different thing’s. Also about your last paragraph, i do agree that women who carry more pound’s than today’s model’s are far more physically attractive but these model’s aren’t for men’s eye’s as we don’t find the whole size zero thing attractive, it’s for other women to look at and admire although i don’t know how they can desire such a thing. Me personally, any women from normal weight to big is equally attractive however hugely overweight is not as it is highly dangerous and i think that’s the same for most people. Under normal weight such as those model’s is nearly just as bad

 

[asd72]

Thanks, this is a sweet response.

Here is my take, having reflected on what others have said:

1. I kissed her, and liked it. That tells me that there is a measure of physical attraction. This is not negligible.
2. I don’t think it is superficial that I am concerned about weight. Physical attraction DOES matter, so people shouldn’t be hasty in calling me shallow (and from previous posts, it doesn’t appear to be the case very much, anyway). After all, everyone has a weight threshold: most of us wouldn’t want to marry a 300 lb. person, for example. The beef people here have with me—and rightfully so—is my insecurity regarding other people’s perceptions.

3.) Weight is a changable thing. I don’t know if I can be diplomatic about bringing it up, but a previous poster suggested going to the gym together. But no guarantees, I know…

1. If she really is all that I say she is, that’s rare. I could potentially be squandering a golden opportunity. After all, it’s hard enough even finding someone who is a devout Catholic these days.

Thanks for all the posts so far.

In regards to weight being a changeable thing I have some advice to offer having battled a weight problem most of my adult life.

She has said it is important to her that you are able to accept her as she is. Even though she would like to lose weight by the sound of things, she does not sound confident that she is able to lose and maintain weight. She has been honest with you. Studies have shown that regaining lost weight is very common.

I think that is your answer to point 3. Bringing her weight problem up and suggesting she joins a gym is not going to help. Believe me if she is anything like me she wants to be slim and has probably tried loads of diet and exercise plans over the years. It is not usually a knowledge issue, most people know to lose weight you need the eat less and exercise more but it’s much harder to actually do it. It can be a very emotional issue for a lot of women.

So here’s my recommendation. You need to beable to accept her how she is, or break up with her. If you do stay together be supportive of any efforts she wants to make to improve her diet and increase exercise, but remember if you nag or offer unwanted advice all the time she will probably lose her self esteem rather than her weight.

 

[AlTheCollegeGal]

How does she deserve better simply because he is unattracted to her, this whole “you should find someone attractive no matter what” is down right silly and is usually put forward by over emotional women. **Your emotionally blackmailing him where he is meant to feel guilty if he doesn’t pursue her because he is unattracted to her. **If a man say’s he like’s “BIG” women he’s usually praised especially by women as they see him as being less superficial but here’s the reality, all people are different on what’s attractive and him saying he is attracted to an overweight women and prefer’s women who are like this is being FAR more selfish than the man who say’s he want’s a women in a healthy weight range. Why? Because he desire’s a woman who is unhealthy and putting her body under alot of stress but yet doing so this mean’s nothing to him, if he find’s it attractive that’s all that matter’s.

Okay, you are most definitely putting words into my mouth. Firstly, “emotionally blackmailing”, really??? Just giving my honest opinion, I don’t think that something as petty as weight should be a deal breaker. Secondly, he’s already pursuing her because they are dating. Correct me if I’m wrong, but most people would see that as a sign of interest. It isn’t as though she asked him out and he’s debating about it. He has decided to make this a reciprocal relationship. And, he has said that he doesn’t find her repulsive, as evidenced by his admiration of her qualities, and what he has termed “good kissing”. This is just a matter of some extra pounds.

Look. I understand that it’s important to be healthy. But it’s not our job to determine what constitutes health, it’s between this woman and her doctor. Oftentimes, if an individual has a genetic predisposition towards a larger size, they can still be healthy. I know many “overweight” individuals who are still healthy, and suffer no repercussions because of their weight. I do know that there are overweight individuals who do. But I’m just saying, the fact that this woman acknowledges that she has an eating problem and wants to do something about it is a great positive step. Also, there are many more problems to find with someone, it just happens that this woman’s struggles are noticeable physically. Someone might suffer from depression, anger issues, have anorexia nervosa, and/or other disorders of the mind which also affect the body. I think that one would do an enormous disservice to someone by discrediting them based on their looks, especially when there is still some attraction regardless.

 

[AlTheCollegeGal]

In regards to weight being a changeable thing I have some advice to offer having battled a weight problem most of my adult life.

She has said it is important to her that you are able to accept her as she is. Even though she would like to lose weight by the sound of things, she does not sound confident that she is able to lose and maintain weight. She has been honest with you. Studies have shown that regaining lost weight is very common.

I think that is your answer to point 3. Bringing her weight problem up and suggesting she joins a gym is not going to help. Believe me if she is anything like me she wants to be slim and has probably tried loads of diet and exercise plans over the years. It is not usually a knowledge issue, most people know to lose weight you need the eat less and exercise more but it’s much harder to actually do it. It can be a very emotional issue for a lot of women.

So here’s my recommendation. You need to beable to accept her how she is, or break up with her. If you do stay together be supportive of any efforts she wants to make to improve her diet and increase exercise, but remember if you nag or offer unwanted advice all the time she will probably lose her self esteem rather than her weight.

I agree that nagging won’t help, but the whole gym/healthy eating was more of a suggestion to improve solidarity. I think that it really helps to have the emotional support of a loved one in order to accomplish a difficult task, and if this woman’s significant other were to join her in her quest for better health, more power to him.

 

[AnaTurin]

Thanks, this is a sweet response.

Here is my take, having reflected on what others have said:

1. I kissed her, and liked it. That tells me that there is a measure of physical attraction. This is not negligible.
2. I don’t think it is superficial that I am concerned about weight. Physical attraction DOES matter, so people shouldn’t be hasty in calling me shallow (and from previous posts, it doesn’t appear to be the case very much, anyway). After all, everyone has a weight threshold: most of us wouldn’t want to marry a 300 lb. person, for example. The beef people here have with me—and rightfully so—is my insecurity regarding other people’s perceptions.

3.) Weight is a changable thing. I don’t know if I can be diplomatic about bringing it up, but a previous poster suggested going to the gym together. But no guarantees, I know…

1. If she really is all that I say she is, that’s rare. I could potentially be squandering a golden opportunity. After all, it’s hard enough even finding someone who is a devout Catholic these days.

Thanks for all the posts so far.

I feel like you should continue seeing her, but slowly. Don’t let things move too fast. There is nothing wrong with being unsure, and no reason to have to make an overnight decision. It’s not like you have a wedding planned for 9 in the morning! I think things will progress in the manner they need to. You really need to get to know a person for at least a year before you can even begin to think if they are “the one”.
peace

 

[AnaTurin]

Also, OP, PLEASE do not just ask he if she wants to go to the gym with you!!!

As a woman who has had all kinds of weight issues, from anorexia to 3 babies, overweight to underweight etc. I know for a FACT that I would be offended by such a question.

Think of something else. PLEASE. Think of a physical activity that you like (that is done for reasons other than just getting in shape) something like biking, hiking, tennis, swimming etc. And ask her if she wants to do one of THOSE things (which might actually get better results than going to the gym anyway since people exercise more when it is fun)

She will see it completely differently if you ask her to do an activity with you vs “going to the gym”

TRUST ME

 

[SeekNFind]

Interesting thread. As someone who has gained a good amount of weight over the years due to a hormonal condition, I know what it’s like to be thin and overweight. It’s a struggle and I understand where the OP is coming from. I think it’s great that he even allowed a friendship to develop with this woman (some men don’t seem to be interested in women as friends at all if a woman doesn’t meet his physical characteristics, which is ridiculous! How did y’all meet BTW?) and by just getting to know her as a PERSON (not an overweight body) he discovered her value. I understand that physical attraction can’t be forced but it can grow in time. Not every romance begins with an instant attraction. Also, as someone else pointed out, humans are destined to age so over time she will probably get wrinkly and sag. You may lose your hair and muscle tone. Would that be a valid reason to divorce and seek a newer model?

I would encourage you to pray about this young lady and ask God and St. Raphael to remove the scales from your eyes so you can see if He has presented this woman to you. If you can’t reconcile it, let her go now before you damage her.

Regarding her weight loss and health, you being in her life might inspire her to change her eating and workout habits so you can help her if you remain friends with her. Good luck OP.

 

[Chrish1975]

There is a woman that I am going out with romantically, and here’s my problem. I am not that physically attracted to her (she is overweight, by 50-60pounds), but she seems perfect for me in every other way. She is extremely bright and talented, successful, kind, compassionate, giving, a Catholic, (we attend a beautiful church on the East Coast) prayerful, affectionate, a good cook, non-materialistic, and the list goes on. We share many of the same interests and values. She seems like she could be the perfect spouse. We started off as “just friends”, but she wanted more. I eventually thought I’d give it a try. We just connect so well.

But…the physical attraction isn’t as strong as I’d like it to be. This is driving me crazy. A part of me says, “sorry, buddy, physical attraction is such an important part of the equation that if it isn’t there, it’s a dealbreaker.” Then the other side of me says, “Are you NUTS?? A woman this wonderful, with all her attributes, who understands you and your idiosyncrasies so well, and who is so incredibly attracted to you is RARE. Don’t be so superficial and pursue this. You could be squandering the opportunity of a lifetime.”

This woman is a gem, but gosh-darned it, her appearance is a turn-off. I hate to admit it, but when we are in public, I have the “I could do better” feeling, because I am quite fit. In the past I’ve had woman who were more attractive, but they were selfish or immature.

IF she could lose the weight it would be ok, but 60 lbs is a long way to go. She is aware of her need to lose weight, and acknowledges that she has an unhealthy relationship with food. She said she is trying, but also knows she may not be successful, and asked me whether I could still love her regardless. She also said that weight is a VERY serious issue with her. And yes, I love her, but that doesn’t mean that I should pursue her in the role of a potential marriage partner.

And by the way, we have kissed, and she is a great kisser too!

Usually it’s the women who can look past physical attraction (“so what if he’s bald/fat—I love him for his heart!”), but I think it’s harder for guys.

I’d bet there will be some great responses for this thread…you guys are always so insightful. I look forward to your (name removed by moderator)ut.

I know plenty of men that have married an attractive woman and are miserable. Honestly, looks are not important at all. It is compatibility. When you get my age you will understand what I’m talking about.

 

[bunnykisses88]

hmm idk yeah I think you need to be physically attracted to make it work. I guess if you don’t think you could learn or discover how to appreciate the extra jiggles then maybe move on?

 

[Paddy1989]

Okay, you are most definitely putting words into my mouth. Firstly, “emotionally blackmailing”, really??? Just giving my honest opinion, I don’t think that something as petty as weight should be a deal breaker. Secondly, he’s already pursuing her because they are dating. Correct me if I’m wrong, but most people would see that as a sign of interest. It isn’t as though she asked him out and he’s debating about it. He has decided to make this a reciprocal relationship. And, he has said that he doesn’t find her repulsive, as evidenced by his admiration of her qualities, and what he has termed “good kissing”. This is just a matter of some extra pounds.

Look. I understand that it’s important to be healthy. But it’s not our job to determine what constitutes health, it’s between this woman and her doctor. Oftentimes, if an individual has a genetic predisposition towards a larger size, they can still be healthy. I know many “overweight” individuals who are still healthy, and suffer no repercussions because of their weight. I do know that there are overweight individuals who do. But I’m just saying, the fact that this woman acknowledges that she has an eating problem and wants to do something about it is a great positive step. Also, there are many more problems to find with someone, it just happens that this woman’s struggles are noticeable physically. Someone might suffer from depression, anger issues, have anorexia nervosa, and/or other disorders of the mind which also affect the body. I think that one would do an enormous disservice to someone by discrediting them based on their looks, especially when there is still some attraction regardless.

Didn’t he just state that he didn’t find her all that physically attractive, he’s pursuing her because in other area’s he find’s her compatible. Physically attractiveness is mostly dependent on how compatible someone’s personality is with another however there are physical trait’s that we are unattracted to that seem’s to be out of our own control and everyone is different with these. There are many men who wouldn’t see her being overweight as unattractive, as i said before people are just different. Saying she deserve’s better is a insult to the OP, saying that she deserve’s someone who is her type is probably more correct

 

[Ridgerunner]

Dear OP,

I think it is important to “feel a spark” for the person you are dating. If you have kissed her, and think she is a good kisser, it sounds like you do feel a spark for her and that maybe your insecurities about other perceptions are conflicting with the attraction you feel. She sounds like a wonderful woman. Have you tried praying about it? Can you see yourself married to her? If you don’t feel you can love her in that way (emotionally and physically) then it is time to let her go.

Looks are just on the outside but it is important to feel physically attracted to the person you are married to. If you are having doubts then it might be time to let you go. But I would pray hard about it first.

Sincerely,

Maria1212

I am inclined to agree with this, for what will seem a strange reason.

My wife turned up an interesting article not too long ago. Someone or other did a study and found that people generally tend to be attracted to others whose immune systems (of all things) are complementary. How do people know they are complementary? Well, they don’t. They are just “attracted” to the other person as a sort of initial thing, and that it’s prompted by pheremones. Part of the article had to do with the fact that contraceptives alter pheremones and enhance the potential of becoming attracted to “Mr/Ms Wrong” from an immunological standpoint.

What’s the point of it? Well, chldren are the product of the combined genetics of their parents, and immune systems are inheritable. If the immune systems are identical, a defect may be enhanced. If they complement each other, the child’s chances of having a relatively complete immune system is enhanced. So, it’s a survival strategy.

All my life I have observed that people seem attracted (or not) to others for reasons that are very hard to put one’s finger on.

I guess I will have to throw my lot in with those who say that the physical attraction needs to be there, even though I’m not entirely sure it’s truly a visual thing. It may be something else entirely, and we ought not ignore it too readily.

 

[AlTheCollegeGal]

Didn’t he just state that he didn’t find her all that physically attractive, he’s pursuing her because in other area’s he find’s her compatible. Physically attractiveness is mostly dependent on how compatible someone’s personality is with another however there are physical trait’s that we are unattracted to that seem’s to be out of our own control and everyone is different with these. There are many men who wouldn’t see her being overweight as unattractive, as i said before people are just different. Saying she deserve’s better is a insult to the OP, saying that she deserve’s someone who is her type is probably more correct

Firstly, in general, attractiveness is evident within what is commonly dubbed as chemistry, something that the OP acknowledges that he has with his girlfriend. Secondly, breaking up with someone based on looks, I feel is ridiculously shallow. “Her type” is an insult to the woman. I believe that men and women alike, if they are judged based on physical appearance rather than attraction (which, again, the OP says that he is attracted to their chemistry), then they deserve better. Period. Lastly, it doesn’t matter one iota why the OP is pursuing his GF, the fact is, that he is pursuing her. The OP admits that his attraction isn’t “as strong as he would like” meaning that there is some attraction. In my personal and honest opinion, I believe that breaking up with a person based on not being attractive enough is extraordinarily petty, and I stand by my statement that if that’s the case, the GF can do better.

 

[itullian]

Okay, I’d like to address the bolded points.
1.) The whole “when we’re in public” thing is problematic in my opinion because it speaks volumes about your own insecurity. It seems to me that if you are feeling this way in public, you are afraid of what people might think of you and you have no qualms about shunting your girlfriend under the bus so to speak, in favor of how you believe society views her. No matter who your girlfriend is, you should be proud to show her off in public and you shouldn’t let people’s pettiness get in the way of your relationship.

2.) The fact that she’s trying to lose the weight shows you that she cares about health. She sounds like a wonderful person who was given this cross to bear in life. No one is perfect, and if this issue really bothers you, you have a couple of options. You could break up with this girl, but just know that if that’s the case, she deserves better. You could try and join a gym with her, or maybe just eat healthful foods. You know, it’s difficult to lose weight because for the most part, it is caused by emotions. If she’s feeling your reluctance to become close with her because of her weight, this could in turn, drive her to eat more for depression/anxiety. The least you could do is be supportive of her, not only with encouraging comments, but by actions. Understand that this issue is one of the most difficult ones, and that she’s trying her best. She’s only human, and again, no one is perfect.

3.) The fact that you say she’s a good kisser shows that there is some attraction on your part. Bottom line is that if you truly care about someone, something this trivial shouldn’t matter. Especially if that person is as great of a catch as you have said that this girl is.

 

[itullian]

Okay, you are most definitely putting words into my mouth. Firstly, “emotionally blackmailing”, really??? Just giving my honest opinion, I don’t think that something as petty as weight should be a deal breaker. Secondly, he’s already pursuing her because they are dating. Correct me if I’m wrong, but most people would see that as a sign of interest. It isn’t as though she asked him out and he’s debating about it. He has decided to make this a reciprocal relationship. And, he has said that he doesn’t find her repulsive, as evidenced by his admiration of her qualities, and what he has termed “good kissing”. This is just a matter of some extra pounds.

Look. I understand that it’s important to be healthy. But it’s not our job to determine what constitutes health, it’s between this woman and her doctor. Oftentimes, if an individual has a genetic predisposition towards a larger size, they can still be healthy. I know many “overweight” individuals who are still healthy, and suffer no repercussions because of their weight. I do know that there are overweight individuals who do. But I’m just saying, the fact that this woman acknowledges that she has an eating problem and wants to do something about it is a great positive step. Also, there are many more problems to find with someone, it just happens that this woman’s struggles are noticeable physically. Someone might suffer from depression, anger issues, have anorexia nervosa, and/or other disorders of the mind which also affect the body. I think that one would do an enormous disservice to someone by discrediting them based on their looks, especially when there is still some attraction regardless.

so true:thumbsup:

 

[itullian]

Firstly, in general, attractiveness is evident within what is commonly dubbed as chemistry, something that the OP acknowledges that he has with his girlfriend. Secondly, breaking up with someone based on looks, I feel is ridiculously shallow. “Her type” is an insult to the woman. I believe that men and women alike, if they are judged based on physical appearance rather than attraction (which, again, the OP says that he is attracted to their chemistry), then they deserve better. Period. Lastly, it doesn’t matter one iota why the OP is pursuing his GF, the fact is, that he is pursuing her. The OP admits that his attraction isn’t “as strong as he would like” meaning that there is some attraction. In my personal and honest opinion, I believe that breaking up with a person based on not being attractive enough is extraordinarily petty, and I stand by my statement that if that’s the case, the GF can do better.

i agree,i’d want someone that loved me100%

 

[Deo_Gratias42]

Yeah, “do better” physically. But as I said, in my past experience, the “hot” ones were also nuts. This is my dilemma.

I don’t see the dilemma here. You have a virtuous woman whom you find emotionally attractive, but because she’s 50-60 lbs overweight, you don’t think she’s marriage material because you’re not physically attracted to her.

In your past experiences, you have found “hot ones”, but they were nuts.

You also state you could do better because you are physically fit.

Let’s look at reality here. Marriage lasts a lifetime. Looks don’t (including yours). Virtue will sustain the marriage once the kids start coming and both of you start gaining weight and your looks start to go out the door.

Personally, I’d rather marry someone who is virtuous over someone who is “hot” but has no virtue. The odds of you doing better are slim to none.

 

[airforcefamily]

I think I can offer a unique perspective on this…

When my husband and I married I was somewhat overweight. He was, still is, and always has been very physically fit. Over the first few years of our marriage I gained while while pregnant but overall ended up 35 pounds lighter. Our relationship improved, he was always kind and spontaneously did things for me. In short, he was very attracted to me. Then I gained 100 pounds over three more pregnancies. Our relationship was terrible. We argued constantly. He never seemed to genuinely want to be around me, he wouldn’t even sit next to me on the couch unless I specifically asked. Basically, he was no longer physically attracted to me and I knew it. Now I’ve lost 70 of those 100 pounds (and am working on losing the last 30). Every 10 pounds or so I notice our marriage has improved in some way.

Perhaps everyone will take this as meaning my husband is a superficial jerk but my point is to illustrate that physical attraction does matter, maybe it just makes more of a difference to some people and/or some people are not able to set it aside and focus on other qualities the way some people might value neatness or hair color in a potential spouse.

 

[exoflare]

So I’m not going to be a hypocrite and start pretending physical attraction shouldn’t matter, but here’s what you made me wonder: if you can’t stand how she looks that much why did you even start going out with her in the first place? Especially if you know you could have done so much “better.”

 

[EasterJoy]

Also, OP, PLEASE do not just ask he if she wants to go to the gym with you!!!

As a woman who has had all kinds of weight issues, from anorexia to 3 babies, overweight to underweight etc. I know for a FACT that I would be offended by such a question.

Think of something else. PLEASE. Think of a physical activity that you like (that is done for reasons other than just getting in shape) something like biking, hiking, tennis, swimming etc. And ask her if she wants to do one of THOSE things (which might actually get better results than going to the gym anyway since people exercise more when it is fun)

She will see it completely differently if you ask her to do an activity with you vs “going to the gym”

TRUST ME

It depends. Some people actually enjoy hanging out at the gym. They get into it.

If going to the gym is a big part of who he is and going with him to the gym is a natural part of hanging out with him that he would want to share with any woman he was going to spend the rest of his life with, then he’d better get that out in the open and ask her along some time. If she doesn’t like that about him, it is better to know now.

HOWEVER…he’d better realize that she might get into the gym thing, get more fit, and still not lose much weight, or that she may say, “thanks, but I do not work out around guys” or “thanks, but the only way to get me near weights again will be to kill me and drag my dead body inside, because I hate gyms”. This cannot be about him convincing her to set goals because he wants her to. Rather, it would be more like, “This is what I like to do, I thought maybe we could enjoy doing it together.”

She’s his friend. I think he probably knows whether this might interest her, how to ask her about it, and whether or not this is something they would enjoy doing together or not. If he doesn’t already go on a regular basis for his own sake and for his own enjoyment, she doesn’t need him leading her there, you’re right about that.

Even if she were to lose 60 lbs, he has to realize that it also does not solve the weight problem. One pregancy, and she could easily be back where she was. One pregnancy, and some little reed-thin thing can be exactly where she is! Then he’ll be back to square one himself, trying to accept someone who doesn’t have the body he wish she had.

 

[Marc_Anthony]

If she’s as perfect for you as you claim in all of these ways yet you have reservations about her because of physical attractiveness then honestly, and I’m going to sound harsh here, you should probably break up, because you’re not mature enough to be with her.

Somebody can be PERFECT for you in every other way, and being overweight is your hang-up?

You don’t think this sounds just a LITTLE shallow?