How to cope with extremely religous husband

[Sierrah]

Hi! Welcome to the forums! I would say the most important thing is for you to communicate your feelings to him honestly, clearly and charitably. Let him know that you want to support him as he grows in his faith, but that you are starting to feel neglected or shut out. Talk to him about how the two of you can better balance your respective interests.

While I can feel for you in a way not being a conservative traditionalist. I would let him know how you feel. Every persons journey of faith and how they practice it is different. He should respect yours as well. You should appreciate a good Catholic guy though there not many of those around believe me I know.

 

[diggit03]

Maybe this is one of your crosses dear, or maybe this will strengthen your faith in some way. Or maybe not.
In that case, talk to him and tell him that Jesus has placed love foremost and given a woman to each man and vice verca and to just try to lighten up a little bit, enough to enjoy what God has given you guys?

 

[Em_in_FL]

I have experience with extended family that fall into this category… it’s a very tough spot to be in.
I 100% believe in, have faith in, and trust our beautiful Holy Faith!
However, the constant analysis, discussion, and outward displays of faith that some feel is necessary can be very difficult to challenge because it *appears *as if you are against the subject matter itself!
And it must be even MORE difficult being married to someone who’s like this.

I agree with HeWillProvide’s quote:

I would try to have a discussion about what your vocations are and if you are fulfilling them to the best of each of your abilities. Meaning, his vocation is husband and father (and not priest) - so is he devoting enough time and energy into this role?

That’s probably how I would address the subject.

Good luck… I’m sure it’s a very challenging situation to be in.

 

[htrottier]

I guess everything in life can be a blessing and a curse. However, try to see the blessing in this. My husband and I recently went to a Lenten Bible Study on marriage through our church. We studied the Catechism and what is says about marriage. One thing our leader told us was that you have a covenant with God through your marriage. Therefore, your marriage involves 3 people - you, your spouse, and God. That makes your spouse your road to Heaven and vice versa. How wonderful that your Husband has such a devotion. I would also suggest that you two try to sit down together for 15 minutes a day and study something TOGETHER. That way you are both learning and something to share. You may want to start with the Catechism - it’s a wonderful document with everything the church teaches and believes! I found is (surprisingly) easy to read and enjoyable!!!

 

[otjm]

will he make a vow of celibacy to the lay Dominicans? some tertiaties practice celibacy, married or not.

as his wife, joined by God in the sacramental vocation of marriage, you have the right to oppose any such vow.

I think you mean they practice continence (if married). Celibacy can only be practicced by not being married. And I would assume that he could not take such a vow without the explicit cooperation and agreement of his wife, as he would be in direct violation of his first vow, which was marriage, if he did so on his own.

 

[Dee123]

I know exactly where you are coming from. The same thing happened to my husband. I was the steady practicing Catholic and after his conversion he became “super Catholic.” There were times when I just could not stand it anymore. After awhile he began to “cool down.” He and I have different spiritual journeys. I am more academic and inwardly spiritual. He is more of a doer. I am more conservative and he, while not a flaming liberal, sees the Church a lot different than I do. So, we have to be careful with what we talk about less it turn into an argument. It is difficult, but keep focused on the Lord and He will guide you.

This is interesting. He’s a male, typically a doer. You’re a woman/female, someone who more often “receives” and ponders things just like our Holy Mother…No answers here, just an observation. Oh, another thing. Perhaps this over-zealous husband isn’t really over zealous—but the Holy Spirit has taken hold of his heart. Once someone comes into contact with the truth, it can consume them. However, if he is lecturing, that is another thing. To the woman who initially posted…You’re a committed Catholic/steady in her faith…do you pray everyday, read scripture daily? Just wondering…

 

[SecretBeliever]

I just had to put my two cents in because this reminded me of a couple I knew many years back…The husband all of a sudden got freaked out because he read that awful book “The Late Great Planet Earth” and became a fanatical type of Christian (I guess Baptist? I don’t know). His wife, a Catholic, was so distressed by his behavior (justifiably so I’d say) that they ended up getting divorced! Sorry. I don’t mean to make light of your situation but I wish mine were a little more like yours! You know God will work this out for the best for you. :hug1:

 

[edrothacker]

1 Thessalonians 5:17 says, " pray without ceasing". I believe we can go about our day with a constant awareness of God and of His presence. Romans 12:1
“Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship”.
That may sound extreme, but by who’s measurement? Obviously not Gods. Your husband is the spiritual head of the household by appointment. Many husbands and fathers are not living out that calling. Be grateful for a godly man in your life. Pray for him and with him. God will reveal Himself to you in ways you cannot imagine!

Ed Rothacker - Author

"Keys to Glory – A Catholic’s Search for God”
Tate Publishing

 

[zaramarie81]

1 Thessalonians 5:17 says, " pray without ceasing". I believe we can go about our day with a constant awareness of God and of His presence. Romans 12:1
“Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship”.
That may sound extreme, but by who’s measurement? Obviously not Gods. Your husband is the spiritual head of the household by appointment. Many husbands and fathers are not living out that calling. Be grateful for a godly man in your life. Pray for him and with him. God will reveal Himself to you in ways you cannot imagine!

Ed Rothacker - Author

"Keys to Glory – A Catholic’s Search for God”
Tate Publishing

I’d like to gently point out that the OP does seem grateful for her husband. She says he’s been “blessed with a very strong conversion.” I think it’s legitimate though to point out the struggles that come with a conversion, especially in marriage. Gosh, new believers sure aren’t “perfect” and I can look back on some painful things I did out of “zeal” in the first several years of my conversion. I wonder if the OP can make some connections with other married couples where one converted. Or perhaps go on a marriage retreat together… something that combines spiritual growth with marriage skills. I am sure there are other couples out there who have experienced similar issues and could be of real help/support during this transitional time. I for one have watched my own parents experience the ups and downs of Christian married life… including conversions (from atheist to Fundamentalist Protestant, from agnostic to Catholic, etc), dealing with unbalanced zeal or frustration over a perceived lack of zeal… and I know dealing with it in isolation made it more difficult.

 

[monicatholic]

I think you mean they practice continence (if married). Celibacy can only be practicced by not being married. And I would assume that he could not take such a vow without the explicit cooperation and agreement of his wife, as he would be in direct violation of his first vow, which was marriage, if he did so on his own.

you’re right that i mean continence. but your assumption that the spouse should give explicit aproval, while very reasonable and moral, is an assumption that shouldn’t be too hastilly made.

my father professed to a third order, taking a vow of continence. he had a medical condition that would have seemed to make the vow unnecessary, still my mother disagreed. he was allowed to profess, not only without her consent, but he was allowed to profess despite her disaproval.

i hope my family’s experience is unusual. still, i wanted to mention it because an order that allows its members to focus inordinate amounts of time, attention and energy on the concerns of the order instead of the concerns of the family, isn’t forming their members properly. they might be such an order that accepts vows of continence from a person with an unsupportive spouse.

 

[PokeYouInDaEye]

Perhaps he needs a formal outlet for the study and preaching. And, as he sounds like a very studious man, perhaps he could pursue a formal education in some aspect of the Faith and work as a teacher or professor in a university or seminary.

I didn’t see what his current work is, but it sounds like a change in occupation might be in order.

i.e. - if he’s working as a professor of theology, likely he’ll feel more satisfied in the proper use of his faith-knowledge and service to the Church and God.

 

[Lainey63]

Has he had any addiction or compulsive behavioral issues in his past? If so, this could be a manifestation of compulsivity. I myself have experienced the same thing, but to a lesser degree.

Religious addiction is rarely talked about but it is a very real and destructive phenomenon.

Me too! Perhaps you could discuss balance…and how important that is for a healthy relationship with God and the woman, the family, the friends God sent into his life simply because God delights in all his creatures…(is that too much?)

 

[otjm]

you’re right that i mean continence. but your assumption that the spouse should give explicit aproval, while very reasonable and moral, is an assumption that shouldn’t be too hastilly made.

my father professed to a third order, taking a vow of continence. he had a medical condition that would have seemed to make the vow unnecessary, still my mother disagreed. he was allowed to profess, not only without her consent, but he was allowed to profess despite her disaproval.

i hope my family’s experience is unusual. still, i wanted to mention it because an order that allows its members to focus inordinate amounts of time, attention and energy on the concerns of the order instead of the concerns of the family, isn’t forming their members properly. they might be such an order that accepts vows of continence from a person with an unsupportive spouse.

We are venturing into an area that really should be answered by a Canon lawyer. I do not know enough of the circumstances of your parents’ issue; however, as much as I find it distasteful (for lack of a better term) to refer to it as such, the right to marital congress goes directly to the heart of the sacrament of marriage. I have a background in law but not Canon law; however, on a somewhat tangentially related issue, there has been a discussion of whether or not Canon law requires that the wife consent to marital continence before a married man can be ordained a deacon (actually, the discussion is whether or not a deacon is required by Canon law to be continent; however, in the discussion presuming the code requires continence, the implication is that the man would not be ordained unless the wife agreed). Given that, I would be surprised if there was not a Canon regarding any vows of continence wherein both parties were not in agreement.

It may be that there were circumstances in your parents’ marriage, or surrounding the vow that we do not know; and I certainly do not mean to challenge what you say. It is, however, my understanding that Canon law “grants a right” of marital congress to both parties that cannot be denied by one party taking a vow without the other’s full consent. On the other hand, I am old enough that my recollection may be to the previous Code.

And again, it galls me to even refer to marital congress as a “right”; if the parties or one of them of the marriage are reduced to treating it as a right, imho there is something intrinsically and sadly wrong with that relationship.

 

[cheese_sdc]

Religious addiction is rarely talked about but it is a very real and destructive phenomenon.

Quoted for truth.

 

[EnchantedEve]

I would talk about your feelings and discuss why you view religion differently.

My wife and I often talk about our Faith because we are so different. I was raised loosely in the Faith and rediscovered it at 12. My wife was baptized but then never darkened a church door again until we met when she was 21. At the time I was starting to attend SSPX chapels and she become a zealous newcomer. The problem was not the zeal but her lack of foundation. She would be inflamed at how people dressed and acted at the New Mass but would be blase about seeing a much-deserved rated-R film. Her lack of background meant she did not always connect the dots in ways I saw. Being strong in my faith and having a different philosophy (I am a perennialist) I often enjoyed visiting non-Catholic churches to enjoy their beauty. My wife balked at this since she saw it as a “play with fire and get burned” scenario. We have talked each of these issues as time has gone on and, even though agreement is still not 100%, we at least have better and evolving grounds of understanding. All relationships that are based in solid communication can always adjust. Hope this helps!

 

[Neil_Anthony]

As a Protestant Convert with a strong conversion I think this is a great post. Sometimes we can get a little overzealous. Make sure you tell him that you understand he is trying to go God’s will and that he should continue that. But that part of God’s will for him is the vocation of marriage

Joe

I think this is the right angle to take.

You can help him realize that a primary religious duty is to care for his family, since he has vowed to live the vocation of marriage. Being there for you and your children is a big part of his way of serving God. And being there for you doesn’t mean just talking about the faith, it means living it.

I’m trying to think of a book you could give him that would explain this angle of spirituality. St. Josemaria Escriva emphasised family and work as acts of service to God. Perhaps “The Way” would be a suitable gift for him to get him started thinking that way. - although there may be another title from St. Escriva that is more relevant, if someone else can help here

The Way: escrivaworks.org/book/the_way-contents.htm

 

[Mariah1225]

Let’s get to the route of your question: “How do we blend our different ways of sharing and practicing our faith?”

Tell him you want to join him in something he’s doing such as the rosary, and think of “acts of mercy” that you both can do together, such as volunteering at a soup kitchen- any activity that the two of you could do together to help others. Mercy and charity are fundamental in our spiritual growth, and so is prayer. In marriage we need to do these things together to keep God the center of our loving relationship. I don’t mean to say that we should be doing everything together- personal devotion and dialogue with Our Lord is essential. Each one of us is called to some degree of perfection before entering the Kingdom of God,(hence we as Catholics believe in “the communion of saints” )but we in no way can achieve this on our own- we need His help on a daily basis, and we need to continually learn and experience Our Loving Father. I’m sure this is the inner call your husband is feeling so strongly, and it is wonderful!

As far as feeling replaced, you are not being replaced by God in his life. Remember in marriage our priorities should always be God first, spouse second, children third. Why? Because God calls each one of us individually on the day of our judgment, because our relationship with God directly effects how joyfully and wisely we handle every other relationship in our lives, because our loving spousal union should be maintained in order to be able to give our children (or anyone we are taking care of) the right attention and love. That is how God has ordained it, and when our married lives are lived this way we experience His divine love and joy in every aspect in our lives.

With that said, it is very true that God wants your loving spousal union to be maintained. I cannot tell you how to go about talking to your husband about this, but I can offer some food for thought:

When my husband and I were in a terrible argument one day- I stormed out and went for a walk along a creek. I sat down and begged God over and over to tell me how to handle the situation because I couldn’t think of words to say to him that wouldn’t further the argument. Within about a minute I noticed a middle aged man walk over to the creek and he started to pick some wild flowers. He was wearing a T-Shirt that said JESUS in big letters with a bible verse on the back. He noticed me watching him when I was reading his shirt and explained that he was just picking some flowers for his wife. I was struck by this gesture of his, and got up and started picking flowers for my husband. I knew that God had answered my prayer. I walked in the door and went strait over to Him and gave him a kiss on the cheek and held out the flowers for him. To my surprise he stood up and gave me a huge hug, and then we successfully talked it out. That experience taught me 2 things- that when I feel I’m owed something, the best thing to do is to give more… and “Ask and you shall receive, seek, and you shall find, knock and it shall be opened unto you.”

Knock on the door of Heaven- Ask God what He would have you do. He has the answer to your question, so open your heart to him in prayer and lay it all down in front of Him.

“Do your best and God will do the rest.”

 

[Mariah1225]

P.S. My husband went through something similar with me. I honestly didn’t realize that he felt disconnected. He came over and held my hand and just simply told me “I miss you, I want to spend time with you.” That’s when I realized that I needed to try to manage my time better. He gave a little and so did I, we met in the middle. I havn’t stopped my religious devotions (God sustains me through them). It’s simply the “management” side of things that has changed a bit.

 

[BLUEMOON74]

These last two posts…what incredible advice. You have a calming gift.

P.S. My husband went through something similar with me. I honestly didn’t realize that he felt disconnected. He came over and held my hand and just simply told me “I miss you, I want to spend time with you.” That’s when I realized that I needed to try to manage my time better. He gave a little and so did I, we met in the middle. I havn’t stopped my religious devotions (God sustains me through them). It’s simply the “management” side of things that has changed a bit.

 

[neilortiz]

I am one of those husbands who have had a close encounter with God. Thus, my wife is feeling the same way that you are feeling. Although I don’t think I am doing all what your husband is. I’m reading the Bible, praying daily, watch EWTN programs, go to church twice or 3 times a week, lol the list is already big!

Our main problem is that I want to obey God’s laws according to the Bible and that is driving my wife crazy. I restrain from doing a lot of things that I want to do to be with my family. I try to keep a balance, I know that God is first but it doesn’t mean that I have to put my wife away. However she thinks I do when I choose not to do something that is against God’s will.