How to deal with your daughter having sex before marriage?

[AdamP88]

Your husband was right to hold her to account. But the words he used were out of order and to say that he loves her less is a rather disturbing thing for a parent to say.
I think he needs to calm down firstly and realise that he damaged the relationship with his tactlessness.
I don’t agree with your view that she’s over 18 so you can’t ask that. As parents you have a responsibility to guide your daughter and point out if she is doing wrong. The manner your husband chose to do that in was just very damaging.
Do you have any proof she is having sex with him? Or do you just assume?

 

[AdamP88]

I know ZERO Catholic fathers who would ask their college age daughters about their sex lives.

Is that a reflection on how to be a good Catholic father, or just on the fact that many fathers are afraid to broach this topic?

I really don’t think this it is healthy if a parent can’t guide their child in this area, even as an adult. If we are to believe that premarital sex is a sin, then how can we also say “it’s none of anyone’s business”. A child’s soul is a parent’s business. It is not that the dad here is wrong in his intention, just very bad in his acting out of it. I would suggest that the OP should actually be a bit concerned, if indeed your daughter is having sex. It’s your place to encourage and support her spiritual good.

 

[Psalm30]

@AdamP88 Just out of curiosity…did your own parents ask you if you were having sex when you were dating after you turned 18?

And do your parents still interview you about what other sins you may be committing?

 

[Psalm30]

I’m disappointed in the posters who defend a man who shamed his wife for 20 years about her sexual past and now is beginning to do the same to his daughter. To everyone who says he was “right” to ask her if she’s having sex, should he keep tabs on whether or not she’s telling lies, gossiping, cheating on her taxes, etc.? Will this type of thing continue if she marries? Where does it end?

 

[JulianN]

Is that a reflection on how to be a good Catholic father, or just on the fact that many fathers are afraid to broach this topic?

I really don’t think this it is healthy if a parent can’t guide their child in this area, even as an adult. If we are to believe that premarital sex is a sin, then how can we also say “it’s none of anyone’s business”.

The time for specific guidance was when she was a child, and presumably he was clear about the Church’s teaching.

But do you really think it’s appropriate for a parent to quiz their adult child on potential sims they may have committed? And specifically on sexual sins?

For example, would you actually expect your parents to ask questions about your behavior in the bedroom to assure themselves that you and your wife were not engaging in sinful practices?

 

[Psalm30]

For example, would you actually expect your parents to ask questions about your behavior in the bedroom to assure themselves that you and your wife were not engaging in sinful practices?

I’m remembering a thread on here where a mother of grown children wanted to know if it would be appropriate to ask her son and his wife—who hadn’t had a child within the first three years of marriage—if they were using contraception. She said that they were financially stable and healthy (under 30, not overweight, ate healthy) so there was no reason to not have a baby by now and she couldn’t help thinking something sinister was going on. She also invented all sorts of scenarios in which her daughter-in-law was using contraception behind her son’s back. When the other posters told her it would be out of line to ask such a question, she then considered asking one of her other sons to approach them to see what was going on.

As I said in an earlier post, where does this kind of interrogation of one’s adult children end?

 

[JulianN]

I remember that thread—and that’s exactly the sort of thing I meant.

 

[Psalm30]

I remember that thread—and that’s exactly the sort of thing I meant.

The other thing that concerns me is that in a situation where someone who has been shamed over and over for years is questioning whether or not they’re being mistreated—as is the OP—and possibly even blaming themselves for the other person’s bad behavior, it’s especially detrimental to defend the wrongdoer. “Well, he shouldn’t have used the F-word, BUT…” can lead the person being mistreated to continue thinking the other person’s actions toward them are somehow acceptable. And they’re not. He was wrong. Full stop.

 

[1ke]

Is that a reflection on how to be a good Catholic father, or just on the fact that many fathers are afraid to broach this topic?

Both.

I really don’t think this it is healthy if a parent can’t guide their child in this area,

Not a child, a college age young adult. The time for guiding your child has long past if you haven’t discussed chastity and sexuality in a meaningful way by the time they are off to college.

If we are to believe that premarital sex is a sin, then how can we also say “it’s none of anyone’s business”.

Because it isn’t. Yes it’s a sin. That doesn’t mean that we go around asking people if they are sinning. The time for formation has passed, the young adult’s conscience has been formed long ago.

If a parent has been forming their child in this area, there’s nothing to say— certainly not “are you F-ing him on my dime?” Uh, that isn’t a father trying to guide his daughter morally. That is a man with an issue, and his daughter has every right not to answer that sort of question.

A parent forming their child in the faith would say something like “I know it’s difficult to remain chaste when you are having strong feelings and experiencing love for the first time, but it’s worth it to remain faithful. Temptations are difficult to deal with. If you want to talk, I’m here.”

A child’s soul is a parent’s business.

Not a child anymore.

 

[Convert3]

A lot of discussion and rush to judgement when only hearing one side of the story. There are two other people, the daughter and the father, that we haven’t heard from. People speak like everything the OP said was factual. Maybe it was, or maybe it’s not. Instead of berating the father, shouldn’t we offer our prayers and support for the family as a whole? Counseling’s an option that may help them all.

 

[Blueberry]

Your husband is way out of line. Being unhappy with her choices if she is having sex is understandable, but that kind of language is abusive, and as for loving her less, your daughter is made in God’s image and likeness. Your husband has no understanding of sin and how God loves us in spite of it, how we are to love others and hate sin, etc. And he has no business asking. Your daughter isn’t safe with him, I might add, until he gets some self-awareness. If she should lose her faith, he bears some responsibility.

 

[Psalm30]

People speak like everything the OP said was factual. Maybe it was, or maybe it’s not. Instead of berating the father, shouldn’t we offer our prayers and support for the family as a whole? Counseling’s an option that may help them all.

I’m sorry, I just don’t understand this at all. Why are we supposed to assume the OP is lying? As with anything that goes down on these forums, we can only go by what she’s posted. That goes without saying. But the facts that we have show a situation that isn’t good. Why do you and several others want to defend a man who curses out his daughter because she MAY have committed a sin, who has shamed his wife for twenty years because of her sexual past, and who loves his daughter less because she MAY have committed a sin?

 

[Irishmom2]

That is the nature of the forum. We have to answer going by what the OP tells us and work off the assumption that it is true. That’s all we can do.

 

[Convert3]

Why do you and several others want to defend a man

You are twisting words. I am not defending the man’s actions as described. I am saying it is only one version of the story. Yes, the family has problems. Yes we need to pray for them. They should get counseling. In my 63 years I’ve seen so many events blown up out of proportion, so many lies spread, and so many people hurt by undeserved gossip, that I find it difficult to automatically accept a one sided story. Riots are occurring in our cities right now because of an awful crime committed and recorded on video. This officer rightly was arrested and an investigation is under way. But remember when there were riots because of the shooting by another officer in Missouri? People judged him guilty without knowing the whole story. His career was ruined even though it was shown he fired in self defense. Some people still believe the deceased was surrendering with his hands up. It’s wrong to pass judgment unless all facts are known. If you think it’s okay to bash this guy just because “it’s just an Internet forum and it’s all we know” then it is no better than gossip. You may be reinforcing the OP’s view of what happened in her mind, even if it’s not entirely true. The best option is to offer prayer and recommend seeking professional help.

 

[TheLittleLady]

as opposed to a gentle catechesis on the gift of chastity, why we save sexual activity for marriage, etc

The time for that was from the time she began to talk until she was an adult. Open, honest and frank discussions appropriate to her age, where she knew she could safely discuss anything, with what we are told about the father here, that likely never happened. Maybe a few choruses of “if you ever get pregnant, I will disown you” was the closest to dialogue?

 

[Psalm30]

You are twisting words. I am not defending the man’s actions as described.

You are insinuating that the OP is lying and therefore we need to cut the guy a break. How is that not defending him? And blaming the victim?

In my 63 years I’ve seen so many events blown up out of proportion, so many lies spread, and so many people hurt by undeserved gossip, that I find it difficult to automatically accept a one sided story.

Probably best that you don’t hang around these types threads then. What is the point of someone coming and asking for help in a situation like this if everyone is just going to say, “Well, I can’t be sure you’re telling the truth,” and then send them to a counselor?

Riots are occurring in our cities right now because of an awful crime committed and recorded on video. This officer rightly was arrested and an investigation is under way. But remember when there were riots because of the shooting by another officer in Missouri? People judged him guilty without knowing the whole story. His career was ruined even though it was shown he fired in self defense. Some people still believe the deceased was surrendering with his hands up. It’s wrong to pass judgment unless all facts are known.

Sorry, not relevant to this discussion at all.

If you think it’s okay to bash this guy just because “it’s just an Internet forum and it’s all we know” then it is no better than gossip.

Once again, if this is true, no one should come here for help. The family life forum is pointless.

That is the nature of the forum. We have to answer going by what the OP tells us and work off the assumption that it is true. That’s all we can do.

THIS.

 

[Convert3]

You are insinuating that the OP is lying and therefore we need to cut the guy a break

Not everything is black and white and I didn’t insinuate the OP lied. Not having all viewpoints doesn’t mean there are lies. It’s just not the whole truth.

My reference to the riots was to show how, as in Ferguson, MO, that not knowing the whole story can lead to incorrect conclusions.

My comments are suited for this forum as a Catholic Family Life forum regardless of your opinion. Aren’t we supposed to support family and help them find ways to work things out. Isn’t prayer always a good option? Aren’t we supposed to urge forgiveness of others and encourage repentance?

 

[Legend]

Uhhh…as far as has been shown here, he has never shown concern for his daughter’s spiritual state…only whether she’s (expletive deleted) on his dime! Like I said, he seems to have a sick interest in his daughters’ sex life. And the only aspect he expressed concern about is the financial one!

 

[Psalm30]

Not everything is black and white and I didn’t insinuate the OP lied. Not having all viewpoints doesn’t mean there are lies. It’s just not the whole truth.

My comments are suited for this forum as a Catholic Family Life forum regardless of your opinion. Aren’t we supposed to support family and help them find ways to work things out. Isn’t prayer always a good option? Aren’t we supposed to urge forgiveness of others and encourage repentance?

What I see in this thread are two women being emotionally abused by the man who is supposed to love them most. I’m a teacher and a catechist. We are trained to, when a child brings a story like this to us, believe them and act on that story. Acting on it entails going about things in a way that doesn’t punish or publicly accuse anyone without having further information. Everyone is innocent until proven guilty. But when someone tells a story like this, you BELIEVE them and go from there and take action.

My reference to the riots was to show how, as in Ferguson, MO, that not knowing the whole story can lead to incorrect conclusions.

Worrying about “not having the whole story” and “leading to incorrect conclusions” thinking that so-and-so “couldn’t possibly be mistreating his/her spouse/children” is exactly the kind of thing that allows abuse in homes to continue.

 

[Convert3]

Worrying about “not having the whole story” and “leading to incorrect conclusions” thinking that so-and-so “couldn’t possibly be mistreating his/her spouse/children” is exactly the kind of thing that allows abuse in homes to continue.

No, because part of helping someone is investigating to find the truth. This is an Internet forum and no one here is going to investigate. They should seek professional help and we should not encourage anything else.
I’m done. May God Bless this family.