How to get over fear of being rejected in dating?

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RoseScented said:
I’ve seen one too many friends have their emotions, and in one case their life by actually quitting their job and moving to his area to make visiting easier
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Why would somebody do this without a firm commitment, like a ring?
By the time you’re moving to someone’s area, you should be well past dating.
Also, I tended to find people to date in my area so nobody was uprooting their existence over a trip out for a cappucino.
 
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RoseScented said:
I don’t want hearts and flowers during dating. I can’t actually smell many of the flowers that come in bouquets. I like books. I’d rather he come to the house with a stack of books which I then will have to ignore for the evening because I’m with him. 😅
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When we were young and beautiful, my best friend was literally the prettiest young woman in town. She had no shortage of male suitors.

One man stood out from the rest, on the first date he brought her a pair of shoes. Fabulous shoes. The funny thing is, while we each married different people, that man is still in our close group of friends. And we forever tell the shoe story.
 
TheLittleLady said:
The funny thing is, while we each married different people, that man is still in our close group of friends. And we forever tell the shoe story.
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My family is in a similar situation where my parents still meet up with their exes all at family/friend gatherings and hang out together. My parents “met” while they were making their way together to a double date with their exes. 😆
 
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The more you interact with women, the easier it gets.

All I see is you guys building every date in your mind up into the Rock of Gibraltar when it should be more like a grassy knoll at the park.
 
For all the guys who don’t ask girls out because of the fear of rejection ,there are a heap of girls who feel rejected because they arn’t asked out.
And vica-versa 🤔
 
RoseScented said:
I like books. I’d rather he come to the house with a stack of books which I then will have to ignore for the evening because I’m with him
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My husband would bring me books in our early dating days. He brought me a great true crime called Cellar of Horror and also a first edition of American Psycho because we’d been talking about it and he knew I wanted to read it. We’d sit around drinking coffee and reading together and watching TV. It was very enjoyable. A guy I could hang out and read with was just right for me.
 
Every date isn’t a live or die moment, but every date is a moment with a person who you could see yourself wanting to work your way to the live or die moment of saying “I do”. That grassy knoll is just part of the journey to the Rock of Gibraltar. You’re not at the Rock, but you can still view it from that grassy knoll.

If on one of the grassy knolls you end up tripping your partner down the hill you better run down and grab him/her and help them back up if you want to keep walking the grassy knoll. If you fall down the hill on your own and want to keep walking together, you better drag yourself back up to the top, ask if you can join your partner again, and keep the Rock in sight to give you context of why you’re even on that grassy knoll.
 
Tis_Bearself said:
My husband would bring me books in our early dating days. He brought me a great true crime called Cellar of Horror and also a first edition of American Psycho because we’d been talking about it and he knew I wanted to read it. We’d sit around drinking coffee and reading together and watching TV. It was very enjoyable. A guy I could hang out and read with was just right for me.
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Same here, minus the husband part. The last guy I dated I could hang out with, we’d read books and watch movies/TV together, and we even were fine talking about what we wanted from life (family, kids, etc) but it ended when we started to get to the particulars. I wanted to be rural, he wanted the city. I wanted Catholic school, he wouldn’t let his kids near anything that looked like a school run by a religious group and had uniforms. A bunch of other things that when added together for our negotiables/non-negotiables just showed it wasn’t a good idea for us to get married. We’re still friends and hang out though. He’s got a girlfriend now who is so wonderful for him. I was ecstatic to see how much she made him happy.
 
Guys don’t get the chance to go on as many dates as women do unless they’re super attractive. I interact with a lot of women. I have a lot of friends. I’m comfortable around my friends. The minute I start liking someone–I’m not comfortable at all.

bokbok
 
you’d probably feel worse if an unattractive guy asked you out. usually when girls say that they feel bad because they’re not asked out, they’re not talking about every guy. they’re talking about how hot guys havent’ asked them out. low quality men such as myself aren’t mourned

bokbok
 
Aha! You see? That’s where you’re wrong 🙂
I hardly ever was asked out and accepted each time.I would have been flattered just to have been asked out.
It depends where you live though,high or low density perhaps .
Sometimes I had to do the asking out.
 
Chicken_Pigeon said:
you’d probably feel worse if an unattractive guy asked you out. usually when girls say that they feel bad because they’re not asked out, they’re not talking about every guy. they’re talking about how hot guys havent’ asked them out. low quality men such as myself aren’t mourned

bokbok
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If I may say so, don’t be putting yourself in that box of
‘low quality’ ,because you’re not .All people are equal.
 
Chicken_Pigeon said:
The minute I start liking someone–I’m not comfortable at all.
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You just need to get over that.

Also, I have seen literally dozens of people who are “unattractive” by conventional standards get engaged and married. I dated multiple fat guys and short guys and skinny guys, and while I drew the line at bald guys, I have female friends who happily date bald or balding guys. I also have seen women who are conventionally unattractive in some way having happy relationships with guys as well.

Seriously, your mind is your own worst enemy here. Maybe work on this with your therapist because your thinking is not reflecting reality. The vast majority of people in this world do not look like supermodels or Hollywood actors, and many of them still find romantic partners who love them just the way they are.
 
Tis_Bearself said:
Seriously, your mind is your own worst enemy here. Maybe work on this with your therapist because your thinking is not reflecting reality. The vast majority of people in this world do not look like supermodels or Hollywood actors, and many of them still find romantic partners who love them just the way they are.
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You’re right. Thanks for the support. I’ve been making strides but I’m terrified of all this. Even discussing it anonymously online is giving me anxiety.

bokbok
 
It’s not either or, it’s both and. A woman has to be physically attracted to a man for there to even be the possibility of a relationship. Otherwise that man and woman will just be friends.

personality matters, but physical attraction matters first.

bokbok
 
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[Post 1/2] It sounds to me you aren’t looking for the right women. You are saying attraction matters first to women?? You are not talking about daily mass going women or actively Catholic women. Because these women would want a guy who has a good faith and can help her (and she help him) reach Christ. As I said in my post at the top of this thread, I have given multiple talks on dating at my college as well as pornography and masturbation, I can give you some other tips if needed.

But let me say this, I have been rejected by 3 different women back in junior and senior year in high school and while each time it hurt and I felt really bad, I now am so grateful that Jesus had them reject me. Because I was not in a state of grace ready to enter into a relationship. I thought I was but I needed to grow so much in my faith and my actions and I thank Jesus for having those three women have the courage to say no to me (because we were friends who talked a lot but not after HS) because I would not have been able to help them grow closer to Christ.

In college, I have rejected the same women three times. Do not just go out with any girl that asks you out, that shows some desperation and immaturity. I rejected this girl because I prayed about it and it just didn’t feel right. She is Catholic and we shared a lot of similar interests but she is someone who is a friend-type, not someone who has what I am looking for in a future wife if I am honest.

I understand that many people here disagree on what dating means, but to me dating is a very serious thing and should have the intention to see if you are good matches for each other. If any of those three women said yes to me back in HS, honestly I think I would never have grown in my faith. None of them were even Catholic and they were all having an impact on my beliefs and I feel ashamed to say that, I really do.
 
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