How to get over fear of being rejected in dating?

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[Post 2/2] I started to believe in non-Catholic things like pro-choice being good and gay marriage being okay. I thought pre-marital sex was fine and I can remember clear as day, telling myself that I would have pre-martial sex someday because it was the ‘cool’ thing to do. I thought chastity was a joke and worth mocking with my friends. I was swayed by attractiveness and the longing for closeness and connection with someone that I lost my faith. Now three/four years later I am very strong in my Catholic faith, I run a pro-life club and I give talks on chastity and how to fight impurity and I am waiting until marriage to have sex, I thank God I never fell to that temptation! So I thank Jesus for saving me because I know if they said yes I wouldn’t be Catholic today and I would have done things that wouldn’t of respected those women as they deserve.

Makes me very sad actually how I almost lost my faith because of a wanting to date someone and this is why I hate when people view dating as a social symbol or as “look at me!” or as some casual fling. Because this casual stuff nearly cost my faith and my morality. I’ve never shared this story of my past with anyone before, it’s been too hard for me to come to face with that I turned my back on Jesus. But now, I do daily mass, rosary, divine mercy, and so much else that now I feel I can genuinely help whomever my future wife is get closed to Christ (and have her help me too)! Praise God He watched over me in HS and let those three women reject me!
 
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GospelOfMatthew said:
You are not talking about daily mass going women or actively Catholic women.
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I am definitely talking about actively catholic women. We can say that being catholic matters most to them, but you know what matters second? Looks. And then third? Personality. No woman I know will go out with a guy who they aren’t attracted to–and they shouldn’t! It’s a recipe for disaster

bokbok
 
But I think attraction also grows over time as you see each other’s personalities. Matt and Cameron Fradd as well as Jason and Crystalina Evert note that they became more attracted to each other signficantly as they become better friends and saw more of each other’s personalities.
 
Yeah of course. But they started off attracted to each other. I’m telling you that girls aren’t attracted to me. I see that they like my friends but not me

Bokbok
 
The way you “speak”, a very low opinion of women comes through. I am going to venture a guess that if only 25% of that sort of attitude comes through in real life, there is a reason that women are not reacting to you in a positive way.

Speaking in great generalities, men are more visual creatures while women are more attracted to men who are smart and funny and respectful.

When was the last time you saw a “movie star” man dating an average looking woman? But, go to the mall and people watch and you will see gorgeous women with men who are not Charles Atlas, but, bald, paunchy, kinda rumpled men.

Heck, Peter Dinklage was named the sexiest man alive more than once. Women are attracted to his mind, to his wit. He is well dressed and confident. He treats women with the sort of real respect that is very attractive.

Start to respect women, the sort of honest respect for their minds and their intellect.
 
I respect women. How you inferred that I don’t is beyond me. I’m not blaming women.

Bokbok
 
I don’t dislike women. Nor am I blaming women. I’m just being honest. Men desire looks too. Looks matter first. Then personality. Looks get your foot in the door. I’m talking about human behavior. Stop assuming I’m some mysoginist. In fact I’m the opposite. I think I’m not good enough for women and I think they deserve better than me. How is that disrespecting women?

Bokbok
 
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Well if you honestly believe you aren’t attractive (I think you are being hard on yourself), do you exercise regularly? Do you wear nice clothes and have nice hair cuts? Are you polite and respectful? I’m not saying you aren’t any of these, but consider all of these.

As for “what men prefer” - honestly attraction is not what I look for first. I look for someone who is Catholic and can help me be a better guy and get closer to Christ. Second, I look for someone who is funny, someone who laughs at my jokes and can make me laugh. I’m an extroverted person and always was a class clown growing up lol, so I like women who have a good sense of humor. Third, intellectual women are very attractive to me because I can talk with them about deep and engaging stuff haha. Physical attraction is after all that for me. Humor is a big thing for me, I like someone who is fun to be around and I’m sure women think the exact same thing. It is an honor to talk with women as they are all daughters of God, don’t forget that.
 
That’s great but hard to believe that you don’t consider whether or not you’re physically attracted first when it’s the first thing we see. I understand it’s low on your priorities but it closes doors when you don’t got it

Bokbok
 
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TheLittleLady said:
Heck, Peter Dinklage was named the sexiest man alive more than once. Women are attracted to his mind, to his wit. He is well dressed and confident. He treats women with the sort of real respect that is very attractive.
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Yeah this /
I find Peter Dinklidge is very attractive. Not every man I ever dated was a Peter Dinklidge.

But, just as many men kiss frogs. Women who just aren’t either in the right frame of mind, timings off, or not the right fit for them. A little disappointment now and then. You won’t know until you try and then you will take it in stride. Really it’s okay. In fact it’s a blessing!

There are a few men who to this very day, or I can imagine, are thanking God that I was meant for my dh.

From what he tells me, my dh thanks God every day for me. 😊

Take it easy, make some nice friends. Get involved with the Church singles group, maybe even a few of them and do mixed-company outings and events. You will make a circle of friends who will appreciate you.

Oh, and ask St. Joseph for a little help.
 
Wasn’t it Jack Nicholson in some film who looked into his dates eyes and said “you make me want to be a better man.” It worked in the film.

Seriously, there is no way around the problem but to ask.
I went into a pub once and the barmaid was pretty. I drank a beer and left. When I got outside I thought that I’d really like to go out with her. I struggled with it for a moment and then I honestly thought “what’s the worst that can happen?” Nothing, I went back in and asked her out, she said “yes” and was delighted. I’d had plenty of other occasions when it didn’t work out.

I remember doing something similar in a dance hall and I asked a girl if she’d like to dance, she was with friends and looked away saying “no thanks.” I was embarrassed so I,found myself asking every one of these girls one by one if they’d dance! I’m embarrassed just thinking about it. Six of them said no. I died, but sometimes you have to die a little to live a lot.

Some you win and some you lose. It’s the difficulty that makes it of value.

Be a brave chicken, er, if you see what I mean. What’s the worst that can happen? Rejection, so?
 
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I pray for my future spouse every day that she may be freed from any sins or addictions and that she may grow closer to God and love others as Christ loves her. Also that I may be patient in my wait and grow in my own faith so that I can be ready to help her grow in faith also.

@Chicken_Pigeon include these Saints in your prayers, perhaps similar to mine above. I call upon the help of these saints in letting me meet my future spouse in God’s time every day:

St. Joseph
St. Ann
St. Gabriel
St. Raphael
St. Valentine
Pope St. John Paul II (for Theology of the Body)
Pope St. Paul VI (for Humanae Vitae)

Also like 10 other Popes but I won’t bore you haha

Best advice I can give (Isay this in all my talks):It’s better to have asked and got a no then never asked and wonder what could of been.
 
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Chicken_Pigeon said:
I think I’m not good enough for women and I think they deserve better than me.
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Take that to Jesus. Leave it there. (I suggest you watch a good video about forgiveness from Sensus Fidelium [Overcoming Sin with Spiritual Contracts](
at around 14 min.)

Most, if not all young women are attractive, if I remember right. Youth in and of itself helps tremendously. You are young, and your life is full of possibilities. ‘GospelOfMatthew’ has a few good points here.

Focus on ‘goodness’ over ‘niceness’. Someone who is already walking the narrow path.

You were born for this time, and focus on the gifts God gave you. Ask Him if you don’t know what those are, and do the hard work to develop them.

You are in my prayers CP!
 
There is something else.

You say you have a fear of rejection, ok, so how many nanoseconds does actual rejection last? Not long, say four seconds maximum?

How long do you spend thinking about rejection? Days, weeks, months.

My dad worked with a boxer once many years ago and the boxer had a big fight in Australia and lost. A newspaper asked my dad about the outcome and he told them that the boxer had beaten himself before he even went into the ring. He had convinced himself he was going to lose and that’s exactly what happened.

I realise that is about a sport but I’m talking about confidence. Being ultra judgmental about yourself is not helpful, we might nourish helpful thoughts and starve the unhelpful ones, who needs those.

Sometimes I have a saying to myself “don’t think…do!” If you mean it that works.
 
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What’s the difference between goodness and niceness?

Bokbok
 
A conman is the nicest person you’ll meet. It is the superficial manners and charm, although even good people can be ‘nice’.

Good, is from God, loving God, truth, honor, etc. A good kid might be blunt in manners, but they won’t steal when you’re not looking.

There is more, but that’s a start.
 
If you’re good and nice you haven’t too much to worry about CP 🙂
 
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