mommyaprilj:
Abusive people, family or not are to be avoided at all costs.
Let them know if the abuse continues that you and your family will disappear from their lives. Then DO IT.
Amen. My in-laws were abusive in ways I feel uncomfortable even going into on a public forum. Even our Catholic therapist finally told us, after nine months of counseling and trying to “work things out with them,” to completely eliminate these people from our lives. He told us he’s only reccommended that extreme step one other time in all his years of practice, but that he had never ran into people like my DH’s parents before. (Btw, our Catholic therapist is also the psychologist who does the evaluations for Fr. Corapi’s community. He is a very solid man.)
We have moved, changed phone numbers, jobs, email addresses, etc and they have no idea where we are. (We are very close to a cousin of my husband’s, however, and she and her husband know where we are and completely support our decision. They were forced to do the same thing, though a slightly different set of circumstances.) It is the only way we feel safe from his parents, who truly are extremely venomous and unwilling to acknowledge or change their behavior. After we cut off contact on our end, with plenty of warning and many opportunities for them to discuss and mutually come to a compromise–which they refused to do, they literally began stalking us and moving was a step our therapist reccommended and something we discerned through prayer to be the right choice. Obviously our situation allowed for it (being young, not owning our own home and not having to worry about uprooting children), and obviously it is rare to have a situation like ours that even called for such a drastic step. Unfortunately there are some truly sick and toxic people out there.
Sparkle, obviously your situation is entirely different than mine, but I know you’ve been posting about it for as long as you’ve been a member. Have you read any of the Boundaries books by Cloud and Townsend? Have you spoken with your counselor about the situation? What does your husband say about it? Does he set boundaries and protect you from the abuse?
I am really fortunate in that my husband recognizes his marital responsibilities and his duty to protect me and the foundation of our family together. He made it clear that he will not tolerate any attacks on either of us and when his parents persisted, they got exactly what my husband told them would happen if their behavior did not stop. He often comments how peaceful our lives are without them harrassing and abusing us…
I am not saying that you should cut off contact with your in-laws, as that is a drastic step and really only feasible and appropriate in certain situations. I am only sharing with you what it took from us in order to establish a healthy distance–we tried many, many other things before it came to this. What I am saying, however, is that *you need to be willing and able to set boundaries for yourself and choose how you will or will not be treated. *We came to realize that including these people in our lives out of obligation, merely because they happen to be biologically related to us, was simply not our moral duty. Putting up with abuse is not acceptable and we decided to no longer put ourselves in harms way and be on the receiving end of their poisonous dysfunction. To do so meant we shared responsibility in how we were treated, as we knew exactly what to expect and it happened without fail.
We’ve done everything we can to open communication but this just seems to serve her purposes more so we’ve given up and left the ball entirely in her court. Have informed her of this as well. She did the same to her father and a sister so it’s just part of her life pattern to be the victim when someone won’t live their lives according to her dictates. She is missing out on so much but my husband’s self-esteem has rocketed and he’s feeling much happier with her out of the way. Sometimes I think this situation bothers me more than him but I’ve managed to let it go.