How To Handle Abusive In-laws And Family?

[sparkle]

Island Oak:

Sparkle: this was part of my answer to your post about your son…but with a little tweaking, seemed applicable here as well:

…Start seeing yourself as someone who is worthy of respect. If you allow yourself to be run over and kicked like a stray dog–by anyone–it’s like inviting abuse into your life. Being a “good Christian” has never meant tolerating abuse. As a member of the Christian family, you are of God, His creation, His own beloved daughter–that alone makes you worthy of being treated with dignity–and should give you the fortitude to stand up and defend yourself whenever you are degraded or insulted by anyone. Ask yourself if you would you stand by silently and allow anyone, including your family members, to ransack or vandalize your church or other sacred symbol or place? If not, how can you let them abuse what is living and holy in their midst?

As a member of your own family you are a loyal wife (+DIL,SIL) and dedicated mother–both roles and their related sacrifices have earned you the expectation that you will be treated with respect in your own home. Abuse should never be tolerated or swept aside as if insignificant. I think you are making the mistake of thinking if you assert your right to be treated with respect–it’s the same as being demanding or defiant for your own sake. But what you are defending is really God’s dignity and your role in His plan for you and your family’s life. It is essential that your family see you as strong, confident and committed in that role–not that you are trying to “wear the pants” or undermine your husband, but that you understand your duties and responsibilities and that no human being will derail your effors to fulfill them.

Your husband has repatedly demonstrated that he cannot be counted on to stand up for you. It’s time to learn to do this for yourself and your kids–knowing that many of our prayers and good wishes are with you.

Thank you so much IO. I told my H just this a.m. that I don’t want him ever to accept one cent again from his parents. That it’s nothing but destructive-----for our marriage and family. That I am so tired of being treated with such disrespect from his family and that I will not tolerate it any further. That I believe his family is completely toxic, bad for our marriage, and that we will have to find other means. Thx for all the positive encouragement from you dear IO and from everyone. I know I have been unknowingly taking abuse for years now and it’s time to stop it all. I know I have been so incredibly stupid, thinking I could change people with all my good efforts, when sometimes you cannot. Period. And that it’s OK to watch out for yourself. This is all so new to me, as I was raised in a Christian home, yes, but taught to just be obligated for this, for that, take abuse, etc., My own mother, dear as she is has forced me to invite my toxic in-laws for the past 17 years to family functions, etc. I was always trampled on, just accepting it. Spit on, all for the sake of what? Obligation. Mom always said “they’re your husbands parents, you HAVE to invite them to this and that”. And I did. Sick, now I know, I have learned to finally be strong in myself, and that I cannot change sick people, sometimes I need to be rid of them all together. To set boundaries, that it’s OK. I never knew this before. Thank you friends.

 

[sparkle]

Hi to Lily: Somehow her post disappeared. OK. I do appreciate your posting that “my H treats me like garbage”. Thanks. You’re somewhat correct, I do see this. He is not perfect, nor am I.

I do ask then, what am I supposed to do about it Lily? We have a marriage and a family with 3 sons for 17 years now.

Can you suggest any positive advice as many others have?

God Bless~~

 

[LSK]

I have some advice but it is a little different.

There is a step we have to do in 12 step groups that has helped me to deal with abusive people. It is called a 4th step. For Catholics, it could be likened to a very thorough examination of conscience. We call it a Personal Inventory.

You make a Resentment list. On the list you put the names of every person who is abusing you and causing you pain. The MIL, FIL, BIL. Next to their name you write down exactly what they do = barge in, give us money and make us feel guilty for taking it, use foul language and call me names, hit me, etc. Next to what they do you write down how it affects you…affects your self-esteem, you security, you personal ambitions, your sexual ambiitions, etc.

Then comes the hard part…you go back over each of the three columns and you look at what YOUR part in the whole thing might have been.

For instance, when I did this I looked at how I was taking financial support from my Dad and then getting mad at him when he told me what to do. Fact is, I was a grown woman depending on Daddy to pay my bills. He who pays the piper, gets to call the tune…

I was also very sensitive because I was ashamed of my own behavior and my own inadequacies (like not being able to spell!). No matter WHAT someone said, I reacted horribly to it.

What I discovered was that I allowed the world, rather than Christ, to rule my life.

I was, with the help of the rest of the steps, able to forgive, move on, make amends for MY behavior (not for their’s - but for the times I retaliated, even when I felt it was justified) and then rebuild myself. In my case I was the only one of my father’s children to have a good relationship with him when he died. HE NEVER CHANGED. I did.

You may not be able to do that - but you could end up breaking away from them with a cool and clear conscience, no guilt and no remorse.

Anyway - you might try buying the book Alcoholics Anonymous and seeing if the 12 Steps can help you with this inlaw problem.

Love ya sparkle

 

[Princess_Abby]

Sparkle, how did the new counselor go on Saturday?

Also, you asked about how to set boundaries. This is a very good question. Do you feel like you understand now or would you like suggestions from us regarding how one might go about doing that in a concrete way? Given that we don’t know specifics, this is something you should really discuss with a counselor. You might even ask if you can roleplay with him or her and get used to being “firm but friendly” with your expectations and boundary-setting.

 

[sparkle]

LSK: Hey thanks for the interesting and very good advice --the column thing. I’ll try it.

PrincessAbby: Yes, counselor went well. Can’t tell yet for sure–going again next Sat. Think I got the boundaries thing. Yes, I have learned how to set boundaries with in-laws finally fairly recently- maybe a year ago or so, but hadn’t realized I must do it with the rest of H’s family too. That caught me completely off-guard. They’re all the same!!! Well I know now!!! DUH!!!

Also I REALLY know now the money thing is most important. Love what LSK said-----“he who pays the piper gets to name the tune”! How true!!! NO MORE. I feel much better today!

Thx y’all!!! I just hope and pray that when I tell H his family just cannot be welcome here any longer, he’ll agree, like your H did PA!

Bye for now

 

[mumto5]

LSK:

Then comes the hard part…you go back over each of the three columns and you look at what YOUR part in the whole thing might have been.

Just keep in mind that it doesn’t take two to cause the problems. In my case, my MIL resented me because I decided to be a fulltime mother to my own children. She had got this idea in her head that she was going to be looking after my child at least 2-3 days and nights a week. When this didn’t happen, she got all upset. Things deteriorated until ten years later, we found this out. It’s always been this way. Meet their needs or be the bad guys. What can you do with a relationship like that?

 

[sparkle]

Just typed something–got erased again! another try…one more thing would appreciate some advice on…will make it short–thank you all!!!
Since I’ve discovered it’s OK to set boundaries against “toxic” people even they’re family, now I’m really puzzled about having these in-laws keep my children for the whole weekend next month when we go to our much needed “Marriage Encounter” weekend. What say? No doubt this unconstructive BIL will be there too! Yikes! And I know this family relishes throwing their poison darts at me, for whatever reason. Control, control, I “stole” one of their objects of their control and they hate it. I feel it is true spiritual warfare I’m dealing with here.
We know a very nice fellow, a 21 yo young man in our church who has babysat in the past, would you moms (or dads) even consider this situation wherein he stays here for the weekend considering my situation? Need some thoughts and advice very much—and thank you so kindly.

 

[Princess_Abby]

sparkle:

Just typed something–got erased again! another try…one more thing would appreciate some advice on…will make it short–thank you all!!!
Since I’ve discovered it’s OK to set boundaries against “toxic” people even they’re family, now I’m really puzzled about having these in-laws keep my children for the whole weekend next month when we go to our much needed “Marriage Encounter” weekend. What say? No doubt this unconstructive BIL will be there too! Yikes! And I know this family relishes throwing their poison darts at me, for whatever reason. Control, control, I “stole” one of their objects of their control and they hate it. My family are sincere Christians, and it’s a struggle. Wow --Satan really has his ploys.
We know a very nice fellow, a 21 yo young man in our church who has babysat in the past, would you moms even consider this situation wherein he stays here for the weekend? Need some thoughts and advice very much—and thank you so kindly.

Well how did it go last time when he stayed? Do the three boys recognize him as someone they need to listen to or is it a free for all? (I know your oldest is 17 or so, right?)

How well do you know the 21 year old? Was it a weekend situation last time? Or just a few hours?

 

[sparkle]

Princess_Abby:

Well how did it go last time when he stayed? Do the three boys recognize him as someone they need to listen to or is it a free for all? (I know your oldest is 17 or so, right?)

How well do you know the 21 year old? Was it a weekend situation last time? Or just a few hours?

Greetings today PA! This 21yo fellow has never stayed before–only a few hours of being with our kids when we have gone out. He’s probably "babysat maybe 6 times for us. My kids love him, say he’s fun, funny and a good guy. He works at the pre-school at the Prot. church we used to attend. I just don’t know though. I probably feel they are safer with the in-laws, but considering------hummmmmmm need to pray about it I suppose. I think safety comes first.
Thx for responding. You’re SO wise PA! Tell me do you work? If so, what do you do? You should be a Marriage and Family Therapist if you’re not already. Honestly. You have a real gift.

God Bless You~~

 

[Princess_Abby]

sparkle:

Greetings today PA! This 21yo fellow has never stayed before–only a few hours of being with our kids when we have gone out. He’s probably "babysat maybe 6 times for us. My kids love him, say he’s fun, funny and a good guy. He works at the pre-school at the Prot. church we used to attend. I just don’t know though. I probably feel they are safer with the in-laws, but considering------hummmmmmm need to pray about it I suppose. I think safety comes first.
Thx for responding. You’re SO wise PA! Tell me do you work? If so, what do you do? You should be a Marriage and Family Therapist if you’re not already. Honestly. You have a real gift.

God Bless You~~

The latest issue is with the BIL, not the MIL or FIL, right? Just keep in mind that whatever stones they throw while you aren’t around to defend yourself does not mean your children suddenly become stupid. They know that you are a mother who is doing her best, who reads Chicken Soup for the Soul books to them before bed, who tries to keep a good, Christian home by attending to all their needs. Don’t think for a second that any of your children will be influenced by your MIL or BIL spouting garbage about you. If anything it might momentarily confuse them, but it won’t jive in their knowledge base of what they know about you to be true. Children have an interesting way of either accepting or rejecting everything they hear. It gets filtered automatically and I do not think that the children whom you bathe, clothe, feed and shelter will suddenly throw all their life experience with you out the window, over a few vicious remarks.

However, it is good to talk about these things and let your children have a voice for their confusion if it is indeed going on. Open up dialogue by asking how the feel about going to their grandparents’ home for the weekend, what they do while they’re there, what sort of things they get to talk about with grandma and grandpa when it’s just the five of them. Don’t lead the conversation, but if someone brings up a comment or two that they’ve heard, don’t act surprised. Be calm and say, “well it’s unfortunate that grandmother says those things and I’m sorry you have to hear hurtful words about me.” Ask why they think grandmother says those sorts of things. (You’ll be surprised by the insight.) Work into the conversation that usually it is only those people who are hurting the most in their own life, who feel the need to speak unkindly about others and really it’s an opportunity to pray for their healing. This way you explain the why about what is happening but you also avoid saying anything derisive about their grandmother, as well as letting them know it’s okay to talk to you about it.

As for what I do, I am a stay at home wife for now. I used to work crazy hours as a contract therapist doing behavioral and educational consulting (at one time or another) for families, shelters, mental health care centers and school districts. However, I rarely saw my husband, so we decided to forego my income for the time being. I do some volunteer work (mentoring program for juvenile offenders; pregnancy crisis counseling; hospital volunteer for sick children; special olympics) and I contract out at the beginning of each school year to do job coaching for special ed teachers and paraprofessionals. I also have a 20 month old neice whose daddy is serving in Iraq, so I have scheduled times each week to care for her, too. Soooo, life is still busy for me, but definitely a slower pace.

P.S. Try to always find the humor in life’s situations. My husband and I both enjoy writing as a hobby, and we are working together on a book full of stories regarding the crazy (but truly hilarious) behavior in both of our families. It’s amazing how healing it can be to laugh about the things which seemingly matter so much in the moment, but in the end should not destroy our peace.

 

[Island_Oak]

sparkle:

Since I’ve discovered it’s OK to set boundaries against “toxic” people even they’re family, now I’m really puzzled about having these in-laws keep my children for the whole weekend next month when we go to our much needed “Marriage Encounter” weekend…

Since you asked…I’m not crazy about either option. If you accept the help from your in-laws, it’s yet another “favor” they’re doing for you and opens the door for their not-so-welcome (name removed by moderator)ut on parenting, your marriage, your time, etc… None of this even begins to address what your kids will be exposed to in your absence…

As for the 21 yo, he may be a wonderful occasional evening sitter, but a whole weekend in charge is another matter entirely. It might make more sense if your boys were much younger and there was a clear adult/child boundary. But with your son only 4 years younger than the “authority figure,” and an admitted challenge to authority in your home, it could be a risky mix.

Do you have any other options? Is there someone, other than the toxic mix, who could serve as back-up or at least check in on the 21 yo for the weekend?

 

[LSK]

mumto5:

Just keep in mind that it doesn’t take two to cause the problems. In my case, my MIL resented me because I decided to be a fulltime mother to my own children. She had got this idea in her head that she was going to be looking after my child at least 2-3 days and nights a week. When this didn’t happen, she got all upset. Things deteriorated until ten years later, we found this out. It’s always been this way. Meet their needs or be the bad guys. What can you do with a relationship like that?

It sounds from what you say that you have no part in this…that may be true. I know that if I was sponsoring you (and I bet you are so glad I am NOT ) I would ask some questions: did your MIL watch the children for awhile? Did she get lonely? Was she thanked for the time she did spend helping you? If none of this applies, then the person goes into the ‘forgiveness’ category. You may have to separate yourself from them, but you must be able to forgive them for their sins against you.

I know there are exceptions, and your MIL may be an exception, but my experience has been that when people treat me badly, I can usually go back and see where somehow I set the ball rolling. Either I did or did NOT do something appropriate.

Now, remember, this is just a thought and I am not accusing anyone of being a bad daughter-in-law. Your MIL may be mentally ill - certainly if she, completely on her own and without any kind of forethought, action, etc on your part, decided she was going to be watching your children for you then she is obviously delusional. You can’t be held responsible for that!

 

[mumto5]

Yes, I have ‘done stuff’ to contribute to the situation but it’s nothing she has a right to be upset about. For example: I was told I wasn’t allowed to take my six week old baby to the wedding. I had just had a really severe breast infection so couldn’t have gone without nursing for the 12 hours the nearest person who could care for my baby was. We explained this and were told, no baby allowed, leave it with a sitter and give it a bottle. We offered to come to the ceremony (20 minutes) with the baby and skip the reception. We saw this as trying to compromise and come to an arrangement that worked for everyone since they apparently wanted us to come. We couldn’t come to any arrangement and I had no choice but to choose to stay home for my health (didn’t want to get a breast abcess and end up with surgery) and because it was best for our baby. No, my husband couldn’t go by himself for various reasons. I learned later that my attempts to compromise were seen as ‘making a fuss’ (I had not made a fuss, got mad or even irritated, simply tried to discuss things to see if something could be done). They still hold it against us years later.

They got upset we would never come for Christmas - yet even when we called to discuss arrangements with them they didn’t tell us where or when Christmas was so we assumed we weren’t invited.

The problem here is that our MIL expects us to be psychic and know what she wants. If we don’t know and don’t meet her narcissistic needs, she gets all upset and plays the martyr and no-one knows why. She continually puts down my husband. He’s had two years of counselling to get over the self-esteem issues she instilled in him.

She refuses to communicate, she emotionally blackmails. She is the one who cut us out and that’s part of her emotional blackmail strategy.

I have turned the situation inside out thinking of what I could have done differently and yes, I can pick some incidents where she wasn’t happy with our choices, but none of those choices are problematic. What is problematic is her way of handling them and getting upset about them. We don’t know her expectations and even if we do, we are not obliged to meet them. The only way this situation could have been avoided would have been for me to become like a dependant child and be submissive in every way, to do what she wanted all the time.

MIL had never watched the children. At that point my mother hadn’t watched the children either. MIL hadn’t offered to mind the children either - this was another example of us supposed to be psychic. I have never left my baby when they were less than 9 months old. Not to mention that when the eldest was three months old we moved to another city. Every time we have asked them to babysit they have had something else to do.

I wish you could see the videos of two of the younger children’s baptisms. Even my friends commented on her weird behaviour. We had a private baptism and she sat two rows behind everyone else, sulking. Left the church sulking and sat in the car and sulked. Refused to give the youngest a christening gift and walked out straight after the service when I went to say hello to her (I never got to say a word to her) because she was sulking. Why was she sulking? She had told me that four children was more than enough in this day and age. I had disobeyed her and had a fifth. Fifth wasn’t strictly planned, btw, but we knew we were playing roulette when we conceived her.

Yes, she’s been thanked when she’s helped - though she rarely does that as she has said she thinks it’s my mother’s job to help me. This I find sad as I would have liked to have built a relationship with her and if she’d come over to help, maybe something would have come of it. My mother is not in a position to help much.

So yes, I accept that I have done things to trigger the situation a bit - but I don’t think any of those things were out of line. We have really tried hard. I have written her letters that were kind beyond the call of duty to try and sort things out. If she decides she ever wants to, we will try and work things out. But first she’s going have to explain how, when I nearly died in childbirth, she never once asked how I was and when she came over to see the baby at 2 weeks (at my invite) she ignored me the whole time. The only reason I can think of for this is because it served me right for having that fifth baby she told me not to have.

I don’t think she is mentally ill, she is certainly a control freak. OTOH, I think you’d have to be mentally ill to turn your back on your son and grandchildren for no other reason than that they won’t arrange their lives according to some funny, unrealistic picture of how it ‘should’ be.

We don’t harbour any grudges. She’s lucky I tend to forgive too easily. I’ll need to be careful with that.

 

[LSK]

My expert advice? I think your MIL is a very sad and lonely woman who feels unloved and unwanted. OR she’s a psycho:whacky:

Keep her in your prayers. Think about St. Margaret of Costello. Now that woman had family problems!

 

[sparkle]

LSK:

My expert advice? I think your MIL is a very sad and lonely woman who feels unloved and unwanted. OR she’s a psycho:whacky:

Keep her in your prayers. Think about St. Margaret of Costello. Now that woman had family problems!

Hi LSK and others:

I have analyzed this situation in and out for years, and really have done nothing except to try to reach out in love to my in-laws. Tea parties, concerts, holiday get-togethers, dinners at our home, etc., etc. trying to be-friend them, to no avail whatsoever. Have their own agenda of belittling, criticising, non-supportive. They are sad, lonely and afraid of losing control. I imagine that’s why they have been so completely and utterly controlling. They are not nice folks. But rather psycho. I’m sick of discussing it any more frankly. Very limited spoonfuls of them from now on.
Thx for responding friends.

 

[sparkle]

Oh my gosh! At dinner tonite, I see my 15 yo son is text messaging this awful BIL. Hubby says nothing, as usual. I’m just so tired of this. Guess, when kids get to be a certain age, they’ll end up doing what they want anyway, right?

Have told my husband how I feel about his family and what unhealthy influences they are, he pays no heed to it, to my feelings, etc., rather once again, says the old addage, “You have a problem with my mother”…now it’s “YOU’RE the one with the problem with my brother”, like he wasn’t even there when this big blow-up occurred. He just cannot take any responsibility for his duty or his role in it all. Will certainly have to bring up this issue with the counselor this weekend! I called the New Life Radio counseling show about this problem years ago, they said: “It’s not your problem, it’s your husbands. HE has to be the one to deal with his family.”…will anything ever change? Oh—hope the counselor can help us. Sorry just needing to “vent”.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

sparkle:

I would like to know what some of you have to say regarding how to set boundaries within your families/neighbors, etc. Yes, it seems when you say them, declare them, mention is just NOT acceptable, these insensitive folks like to turn it on you, like you’re the bad person. You know? I just don’t find any place in my home for destructive people and will not tolerate it. I think being firm and speaking up in truth is the right thing. Too bad these are my H’s family. Mine are so completely different. A real spiritual battle I am facing. Need the weapons to gird myself for this battle!!!

It’s the “nice” syndrome, as in “We have to be nice, or people won’t like us.” We don’t have to be nice about everything- such as being abused.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

sparkle:

Just typed something–got erased again! another try…one more thing would appreciate some advice on…

When was the last time you updated your antivirus software and ran it? This sounds like a trojan horse.

 

[LSK]

Oh my gosh! At dinner tonite, I see my 15 yo son is text messaging this awful BIL. Hubby says nothing, as usual. I’m just so tired of this. Guess, when kids get to be a certain age, they’ll end up doing what they want anyway, right?

What? What was your 15 year old doing with a telephone at the dinner table?
And no, when kids get to be 15 they do NOT end up doing what they want to anyway.

Have told my husband how I feel about his family and what unhealthy influences they are, he pays no heed to it, to my feelings, etc., rather once again, says the old addage, “You have a problem with my mother”…now it’s “YOU’RE the one with the problem with my brother”, like he wasn’t even there when this big blow-up occurred.

Ask your husband what he would like you to do regarding his family. Don’t tell him “NO I WON’T DO THAT AT ALL”. Just ask him what/how he would have you behave if he could push a button and totally control you actions and your words. Have him write it down. You do the same. Without looking at each other’s writing, fold the papers in half, get on your knees and say the following prayer together:

Dear Jesus, here is a list of what I want from my spouse. I know that I have no control over his/her behavior; however, their behavior is causing me pain. Please relieve my obsession with this and direct my attention to how I may be of service to You, My Lord and My Savior. Amen.

He just cannot take any responsibility for his duty or his role in it all.

SAY THE PRAYER

Will certainly have to bring up this issue with the counselor this weekend! I

Take your lists to the counselor and show them to him/her. It should make for a lively session.

called the New Life Radio counseling show about this problem years ago, they said: “It’s not your problem, it’s your husbands. HE has to be the one to deal with his family.”…will anything ever change?

Probably not.

Oh—hope the counselor can help us. Sorry just needing to “vent”.

Try the writing exercise. Really spit it all out on a piece of paper. DO NOT SHOW IT TO YOUR HUSBAND and DO NOT LOOK AT HIS PAPER ON YOU.

I had to do this several times over an issue in my life. It helped me concretely ‘give this over to Jesus’.

 

[Princess_Abby]

LSK:

What? What was your 15 year old doing with a telephone at the dinner table?
And no, when kids get to be 15 they do NOT end up doing what they want to anyway.

Ask your husband what he would like you to do regarding his family. Don’t tell him “NO I WON’T DO THAT AT ALL”. Just ask him what/how he would have you behave if he could push a button and totally control you actions and your words. Have him write it down. You do the same. Without looking at each other’s writing, fold the papers in half, get on your knees and say the following prayer together:

Dear Jesus, here is a list of what I want from my spouse. I know that I have no control over his/her behavior; however, their behavior is causing me pain. Please relieve my obsession with this and direct my attention to how I may be of service to You, My Lord and My Savior. Amen.

SAY THE PRAYER

Take your lists to the counselor and show them to him/her. It should make for a lively session.

Probably not.

Try the writing exercise. Really spit it all out on a piece of paper. DO NOT SHOW IT TO YOUR HUSBAND and DO NOT LOOK AT HIS PAPER ON YOU.

I had to do this several times over an issue in my life. It helped me concretely ‘give this over to Jesus’.

The writing idea is a great one.