How To Handle Abusive In-laws And Family?

  • Thread starter Thread starter sparkle
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
40.png
sparkle:
Thanks Davis. But for now, my 15yo is starting confirmation program this month, I’m heliping in it, and I’m starting a women’s bible study and can only do so much. I appreciate so much the advice, and I will look into it for sure. I know it’d be great to be in a couples group. I’ll look into it for sure. It this organization Catholic Davis?
Click to expand...
Yes, CFC is a servant and lay arm of the Roman Catholic Church in the work of family renewal and evangelization, and has a number of bishops as its Spiritual Directors. The Vatican has granted Couples for Christ recognition as a PRIVATE ASSOCIATION OF THE LAY FAITHFUL in accordance to Canons 321-329 of the Code of Canon Law. Furthermore, CFC operates under the auspices of the Family Life and/or Evangelization Offices of parishes and dioceses throughout the world.
 
Friends: Could you give me your opinion?

As you know my H’s family is completely sick, abusive, etc. see my last post where BIL charges in our home and spews off. I really think a demon got ahold of him. I, not-thinking invited them to my son’s B-day this weekend, now I know I DO NOT have to let such abusive folks in my home. I was thinkin last nite, perhaps I should have taken the crucifix off my wall and held it up to him when he was going off, saying “IN the name and blood of Jesus, demon be gone”. I honestly think if any of these family members try this again over here, I will do this, perhaps even on Friday nite if they start in---- I’m really thinking what a mistake I made in inviting them. Now I must put up with them, for the sake of Christian charity I suppose.
What do any of you think of doing this? I really think there are demons which get ahold of folks, especially non-believers and possess and control them.

One very weird thing, I gave this unbelieving BIL a Bible just about a week prior to his unexpected arrival and outburst. Really wanted him to have one, told him I was praying for him and that God has THE best plan for his life. Do you think the devil was perhaps toying with him, and he was fighting being in our Christian home? There are several icons and crucifix’s and rosaries in our home. I really think there are evil spirits everywhere and as Scripture says we must always be prepared. Thoughts???
 
I absolutely agree with you on the demon thing. What I have done in the past, is pray over my house & everyone in it & those who would come over. Just pray that you & your house would be covered in the blood of Jesus, and that nothing evil can attach itself to you or your house. Also, can you get ahold of some holy water & sprinkle that all over your house? I’m sure that if anything evil has attached itself to your BIL or anyone else, they will feel uncomfortable being there and will want out of there. And I would absolutely pray what you were going to right in front of him if he, or anyone else, starts acting crazy. Good luck, let us know how it goes.
 
40.png
mumto5:
These laws are primarlily there due to the increase in grandparents being spitefully alienated from grandchildren through divorce or seperation. There has to be a pre-existing relationship so if the grandparents have made no effort, it won’t help. In cases where the parents are both still married and have made a reasoned decision not to involve the grandparents, the judge won’t over-rule the parents decision. So thankfully, these laws don’t just give grandparents free claim on their grandchildren.
Click to expand...
And in some states, these laws are being overturned. We had them in Illinois for about a year back in the late 80s or early 90s. Grandparents filled the courts on the smallest pretext, including (shouldn’t laugh) what the grandchildren were fed. The law was voted gone the next year.
 
40.png
momof3boys:
I absolutely agree with you on the demon thing. What I have done in the past, is pray over my house & everyone in it & those who would come over. Just pray that you & your house would be covered in the blood of Jesus, and that nothing evil can attach itself to you or your house. Also, can you get ahold of some holy water & sprinkle that all over your house? I’m sure that if anything evil has attached itself to your BIL or anyone else, they will feel uncomfortable being there and will want out of there. And I would absolutely pray what you were going to right in front of him if he, or anyone else, starts acting crazy. Good luck, let us know how it goes.
Click to expand...
Gee thanks momof3boys!!! Yes. We forget sometimes how we just cannot be lazy and forget to pray, cuz the enemy is a crouching lion waiting to pounce at any time. I forget this sometimes, as do we all. Thx for the reminder!!😉
 
You are more than welcome for the reminder! Actually a very good friend of ours told me to pray this prayer & it is very powerful. Also, I think just praising Jesus out loud is a great thing to do, too. I wish you luck!
 
Sparkle,

Is there any way you can let them know ahead of time that if they are disrespectful to yu or anyone in your home they will be asked to leave? I know your dh would have to be on board for this to work, and I don’t know if he would be willing…

If they spew anyway, and will not go, you can then state that if they do not go, they will not be welcome in your home again.

You can then feel perhaps, that you have taken more “steps” to give them another “chance”, and then feel justified NEXT time, for not inviting them over if this b-day doesn’t work out.
 
Here is a prayer to try:

Lord, I offer myself to thee to build with me and to do with me as thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do thy will. Take away my difficulties, that victory over them may bear witness to those I may help of thy power, thy love and thy way of life. May I do thy will always.

Lord, I ask that you take all of me, good and bad. Remove from me every single defect of character that stands in the way of my usefullness to you and to my fellow human beings. Grant that I go out from here, ready only to do thy will.

Amen

See if that helps you handle these yahoos - and yahoos they are…😉
 
40.png
Siena:
Sparkle,

Is there any way you can let them know ahead of time that if they are disrespectful to yu or anyone in your home they will be asked to leave? I know your dh would have to be on board for this to work, and I don’t know if he would be willing…

If they spew anyway, and will not go, you can then state that if they do not go, they will not be welcome in your home again.

You can then feel perhaps, that you have taken more “steps” to give them another “chance”, and then feel justified NEXT time, for not inviting them over if this b-day doesn’t work out.
Click to expand...
What great advice Siena! I was thinking the same thing! Upon especially this BIL’s arrival in our home, I was considering saying something like: “Do you agree to be cordial, respectful and supportive tonite”? Wait for his answer, and then say If so, you’re more than welcome to come in. What do you think of this? I’d really love to know your replies friends. 🙂
 
And if the BIL says, “No, and stop telling me what to do” you will then physically bar him from entering your home?

From the way you describe these people I cannot imagine any of them giving you an honest answer and/or honoring your request. In other words, it is hopeless. Stop trying to come up with better ideas on how to change them. It will not work. There is an old saying. You cannot force a pig to sing opera. If you keep trying all you will do is frustrate yourself and piss off the pig.

I think you should give the evening totally to Jesus and only worry about your behavior. Then, cut your losses and stop inviting people like this into your home. You don’t owe them an explanation, you don’t have to tell them why, you don’t have to call or write to them in the future and say “we are having a party and you are not invited because you are mean and nasty people”. Just stop doing it. This will mean no more drama and wouldn’t that be WONDERFUL???
 
40.png
LSK:
And if the BIL says, “No, and stop telling me what to do” you will then physically bar him from entering your home?

From the way you describe these people I cannot imagine any of them giving you an honest answer and/or honoring your request. In other words, it is hopeless. Stop trying to come up with better ideas on how to change them. It will not work. There is an old saying. You cannot force a pig to sing opera. If you keep trying all you will do is frustrate yourself and piss off the pig.

I think you should give the evening totally to Jesus and only worry about your behavior. Then, cut your losses and stop inviting people like this into your home. You don’t owe them an explanation, you don’t have to tell them why, you don’t have to call or write to them in the future and say “we are having a party and you are not invited because you are mean and nasty people”. Just stop doing it. This will mean no more drama and wouldn’t that be WONDERFUL???
Click to expand...
:clapping:
 
40.png
LSK:
And if the BIL says, “No, and stop telling me what to do” you will then physically bar him from entering your home?

From the way you describe these people I cannot imagine any of them giving you an honest answer and/or honoring your request. In other words, it is hopeless. Stop trying to come up with better ideas on how to change them. It will not work. There is an old saying. You cannot force a pig to sing opera. If you keep trying all you will do is frustrate yourself and piss off the pig.

I think you should give the evening totally to Jesus and only worry about your behavior. Then, cut your losses and stop inviting people like this into your home. You don’t owe them an explanation, you don’t have to tell them why, you don’t have to call or write to them in the future and say “we are having a party and you are not invited because you are mean and nasty people”. Just stop doing it. This will mean no more drama and wouldn’t that be WONDERFUL???
Click to expand...
Yes, you’re right. I had a couple glasses of wine when I wrote out the invites for the party this Fri. nite, perhaps it slurred my judgment. (Mistake) :confused: Never should have invited them I know, but I did, now I have to make the best of it. Also next weekend H and I are going to Marriage Encounter, have no one else to watch the kids, so kids are going to this grandma and grandpas. It’s a real dilemma. H and I hardly ever go away for the weekend, so think it should be all right. As for parties, dinners in the home, I do know now, I’ve learned, NO MORE. LSK–could you maybe contribute to some advice for this weekend, considering the fact yes, I made a mistake to invite them, I’ll lay in my bed, but still, they’ll be here all the same. Yikes. Do you agree with the aforementioned posts? We have a new pastor from India in our parish, who has gotten to know this particular son whose party it is, at many events this summer. Was thinking of inviting him over for dinner first (just with our family–because we’d love to have him over anyway --to get to know him better–we really love him) --then when toxic family comes over he’ll be here. I think it will be great and I’m really excited about it! I love to entertain, fix up the house, have teas, nice desserts, candles lit, ambiance, etc. Thoughts?
 
Again, the only advice I can offer is to give the entire evening to Jesus. This is how I give something to Jesus, in a very practical way.

I get out a blank piece of paper and I spill my guts - I write down every fear, every thought, every wish, EVERYTHING about the upcoming event. I do not worry about grammar, syntax, spelling or even if it makes sense. It might go like this:

Dear Jesus, I just know that this entire evening will be a nightmare. The BIL will tell everyone I am a crazy, bitchy religious fanatic and my in-laws will tell everyone what a loser I am and how I am an unfit mother, too ugly for words, my food sucks, my children are retarded and that their son was drunk and loaded the day he married me. They will destroy my home, kidnap my children, call me horrific names and…blah blah blah…

You get the idea. Then when you are done, fold the paper in half. Get a shoe box. decorate it as your “Jesus Box”. Get on you knees. Put the paper you have written on in front of you and say:

Holy Jesus, here it is. My fears about this party. My thoughts and fears about this family. I am unable to make them do anything I want them to do, to behave in the proper way or to have any respect for me whatsoever. Therefore, Lord, I give them and my fears to you.

Then put the paper in the box, put the box on the top shelf of your bedroom closet (and not out in the livingroom so one of the inlaws can ‘accidentally’ find it), do the other prayer I listed and have your party. THEN, if you truly want to be free of these people keep them OUT OF YOUR LIFE…no matter HOW inconvenient it may be in the future. Change your telephone number and do not give it to them. If you have to, take out restraining orders and serve them with them…but do NOT welcome them into your home anymore. You cannot change them, you never will and you might as well just give up. Trying to control their behavior is making YOU nuts.

And of course ask the priest over. Though I truly doubt that, if these people are the psychos you have described, it will make a lick of difference in their behavior.

Good luck.
 
40.png
sparkle:
Yes, you’re right. I had a couple glasses of wine when I wrote out the invites for the party this Fri. nite, perhaps it slurred my judgment. (Mistake) :confused: Never should have invited them I know, but I did, now I have to make the best of it.
Click to expand...
Be careful with the wine, especially when the relatives come. Not drinking will help you assess the situation rationally and help you stay in control emotionally. If you were drinking when you wrote the invitations and it caused you to do something you might otherwise not have done, then you might consider how much and when you drink. You don’t have to be an alcoholic to cut back. Cutting back (on alchohol or any habit that causes problems) is also a good way to better control your own behavior.
 
40.png
LSK:
…Then, cut your losses and stop inviting people like this into your home. You don’t owe them an explanation, you don’t have to tell them why, you don’t have to call or write to them in the future and say “we are having a party and you are not invited because you are mean and nasty people”. Just stop doing it. This will mean no more drama and wouldn’t that be WONDERFUL???
Click to expand...
Like hitting yourself over the head with a hammer…it feels so good when you stop!!
 
La Chiara:
Be careful with the wine, especially when the relatives come. Not drinking will help you assess the situation rationally and help you stay in control emotionally. If you were drinking when you wrote the invitations and it caused you to do something you might otherwise not have done, then you might consider how much and when you drink. You don’t have to be an alcoholic to cut back. Cutting back (on alchohol or any habit that causes problems) is also a good way to better control your own behavior.
Click to expand...
EXCELLENT advice - and as a sober alcoholic, may I also venture to say that if a ‘couple’ of glasses of wine caused you to invite psychos to your house - psychos who have been abusing you since day ONE - then you may want to get the wine out of your life COMPLETELY…normal, social drinkers do not invite psychos over to their homes for dinner no matter who they are…it is amazing, but true. They just don’t. Personally, I think they are probably flaunting their own mental health but, well, I just have to accept the fact that normal, social drinkers do not do things like buy ugly jewelry off the home shopping network at 3:00am, drive backwards through the drive-through a Jack In the Box just for fun and INVITE PSYCHO RELATIVES TO THEIR HOME FOR DINNER.

It’s just a thought…
 
oh, and by the way, the first two examples were culled from my own personal experience…:whacky:
 
Island Oak:
Like hitting yourself over the head with a hammer…it feels so good when you stop!!
Click to expand...
hahahaha----hey thx for the humor. You’re so funny IO!

Yes, I agree, as I need to have complete control of my senses in such situations, I will not have even one drop of wine on this nite. I think sometimes drinking makes you so free to say stuff you might be thinking, but ner dream to say or write, and when you drink even a little (1 or 2 glasses of wine perhaps --no more) to loosen you up, you’re way too free. Make sense? This is what happens to me sometimes. I get all mushy, too “nice”, and lovey dovey and think “aw-----try again with these people who have hurt me…and are toxic”, write a letter to make amends, etc., call my past boyfriends-------:confused: I’ve never done this yet, but I’ve thought about it. It’s not worth it. Pray for me Friday nite OK? Will let you know how it goes.
 
call my past boyfriends-------:confused: I’ve never done this yet, but I’ve thought about it. It’s not worth it
Click to expand...
OH GOLLY I FORGOT - I used to do THAT one too…
Pray for me Friday nite OK? Will let you know how it goes
Click to expand...
You betcha, sparkle. Don’t forget to make your “Jesus Box” and write your fears, angers, etc in it. Do NOT forget to HIDE THE BOX from the psychos.
And remember,THIS IS THE LAST TIME YOU HAVE TO INVITE THESE PEOPLE TO YOUR HOME.

Now, get out there and kick some sober butt…
 
Feeling kinda sick actually today,to my tummy, I called my in-laws and BIL and told them I was cancelling the “party”. Just the thought of it lately was really making me ill, the why’s, how’s what if’s, etc. I really thought it best to just call it off, at least for them, whom make and always have made me literally “ill” in my own house. I was dreading it, and decided I just cannot do it. Yes, they spouted off at me, telling me off, to no end, (another story all together) —both in-laws getting on phone lines, yelling at me, telling me off, etc., what did I expect? Nothing. But, all the same it’s really OK. I know now that I have limits, and that I am OK with them, all the same. That I just CANNOT invite people into my home that make me ill and uncomfortable.

WOW—for one of the first times in my life, I took a stand for ME, and what I had to do. Maybe it will cause a rift, as I told H I was calling it off for his family, he said “he doesn’t agree with it”…I’m afraid he is not one to truly leave and cleave, and I’m just going to have to face the consequences of this. Nevertheless, I did what I felt was best for my family. Pray for me. I have a feeling all s___ will hit the fan this weekend.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top