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LSK
Guest
I THINK YOU SHOULD STOP TRYING TO MANIPULATE EVERYONE INTO LIVING THE WAY YOU WANT THEM TO LIVE AND STOP TRYING TO TEACH THE PIG TO SING OPERA.
- Status
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LSK
Guest
Now, in a calm, cool and collected manner:
No, Sparks, I do not think communicating your feelings to in-laws is always the best thing to do. You need to face the fact that feelings are not necessarily the truth, and if you want to communicate to them how you feel you need to be willing to let them communicate to you how they feel about YOU and the way YOU behave - which, as I understand, is part of the problem. They are ALWAYS communicating to you how they feel. You don’t like it. Guess what…they do not like your feelings either…the difference is that they are ignoring you and just not interested…
No - I think you have a lot of personal work to do before you start trying to interact with mentally ill people…
:dancing:
No, Sparks, I do not think communicating your feelings to in-laws is always the best thing to do. You need to face the fact that feelings are not necessarily the truth, and if you want to communicate to them how you feel you need to be willing to let them communicate to you how they feel about YOU and the way YOU behave - which, as I understand, is part of the problem. They are ALWAYS communicating to you how they feel. You don’t like it. Guess what…they do not like your feelings either…the difference is that they are ignoring you and just not interested…
No - I think you have a lot of personal work to do before you start trying to interact with mentally ill people…
:dancing:
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mumto5
Guest
Where are your children and husband with all this? I think you need to think about whether your children enjoy the company of these people or whether you just don’t like them so want them out of the kids’ lives as well.
If anything further is to be done, leave it to your husband. He may come to see things he is blind to right now, he may not. He may have a totally different perspective.
Step back and work out your relationship with them (i.e. none) and let your husband and children work out theirs (assuming there’s no urgent reason to get them out of their lives).
If anything further is to be done, leave it to your husband. He may come to see things he is blind to right now, he may not. He may have a totally different perspective.
Step back and work out your relationship with them (i.e. none) and let your husband and children work out theirs (assuming there’s no urgent reason to get them out of their lives).
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sparkle
Guest
Hello today mumto5: Yes, OK, you say “if anything further is to be done, leave it to your husband”. OK heard. What does this mean? IF any of you have abusive in-laws you know there just HAS to be some communication. It’s very intended to say “cut off the phone”, I did, screen calls, I have been, but if any of you have abusive in-laws, there just HAS to be some sort of communication. It just is not possible to just check out. It’s not comparable to a homeless person coming to your door asking for money who you can just shoe away. Does anyone here know this? I know your words and advice are right, but has anyone been in my situation and has the ability and knowledge to give me some concrete advice here? SPECIFIC things to say? I so appreciate it. So far, I have not heard from anyone as far as what I am asking here.
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sparkle
Guest
Hi Leslie~~ Thanks for your post. I’m thinking perhaps this is NOT the best weekend to be heading off for Marriage Encounter and leaving the kids with these folks. Not until we work something out here. I appreciate your (name removed by moderator)ut more than you know.
One question: Since I “uninivted” my in-laws to my sons’s party, and upon their inquiry, I told them to please send his present, my son has been so hurt that his grandparents have not even done this yet. See, they are so accustomed to only their way here. What should I do? Should I call them to say how I asked them to send their card and present and tell them how hurt my son is? Or should I just drop it? I feel so bad for my son here.
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LSK
Guest
SPARKLE!
I told you I had been in this position before - and you keep demanding that you MUST interact with people that you have described as crazy, abusive, insane, unreasonable and totally out of their minds in terms of how they behave. Somehow, you seem to feel that the label “in-law” gives them some sort of magic powers that demand interaction. That is not true.
If you insist of interacting with them - which you are insisting you must do - then you should limit your sentences to ONE WORD SENTENCES.
They call on the phone, You answer “Hello”. They start screaming you say “Good-bye” hang up and unplug it for the rest of the day or evening.
They show up on your doorstep, you look through the window and say, “Hello”
They say “WE DEMAND IMMEDIATE ACCESS TO YOUR HOUSE AND YOUR CHILDREN”
you say, “No”. And do not answer the door. IF they pound on it, you call the police and have them escorted from your property. If you serve them with a restraining order none of this will happen.
Let’s pretend they were not related to you at all - they are your next door neighbors. WOULD YOU FEEL OBLIGATED TO SPEAK TO THEM AT ALL??? No, you wouldn’t. And don’t you DARE tell us that it is not the same - it is. These people, according to YOU, are unreasonable, horrific, nasty, mean, abusive, possibly demonic - and you seem to think that you are being FORCED to interact with them because they are your in-laws.
Stop trying to get our permission to engage in battle with these people. I am sorry your son is hurt. You need to calmly explain to him that his grandparents are mentally ill and cannot be held responsible for their behavior, that their behavior is not his fault, that they adore and love him as much as their mental illness allows them to do so, and to stop expecting presents from them. Then, have him pray a Rosary for their mental health.
When are YOU going to do what you need to do…here are specific things to say:
“Hello”
“No”
“Good-bye”
GOT IT? :tsktsk:
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sparkle
Guest
Thanks so much Leslie. Do you think I should forego having my precious sons spending the entire weekend there this upcoming weekend so H and I can go to marriage encounter? I’m leaning very highly on it, on saying NO. Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I so appreciate it LSK. You’re a wise sister in Christ and I thank you.
OK. What should I say when I cancel their baby sitting then for the weekend? Should I say the conference is off? Should I say, we don’t want you to babysit? what do you suggest? DO you see, it is a matter of communication at this point? Have you had experience with this LSK, or are you just speaking off the top?
Just a few observations…
Yeah… Setting boundaries is VERY hard.
You are also at a disadvantage because there are limits to the boundaries you can set with your inlaws unless your husband cooperates (and preferably takes the lead). (If your family was the problem it would be you who should be the main boundary setter.) If your husband values the relationship with his family more than he does the relationship with you then your biggest boundary problem isn’t with his family; it is with him.
Keep in mind that the point of setting boundaries is not primarily to change the other people. What should or should not be is irrelevant when you don’t have power over the situation. When you set boundaries the price may be a worse relationship than what you had before–just less of it.
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LSK
Guest
Anytime - though I am surprised you are still talking to me.
Are the people still insane? Are they still abusive? What do you think? You are a good mother, right? I mean, if you knew your friend was going to leave her children with the neighborhood drug dealer so she and her husband could go on a marriage encounter weekend, would you think she was a good mother or an idiot?
Just as I suspected - YOU ARE NOT AN IDIOT.
Wisdom comes from both the Holy Spirit and experience with insanity. Guess which area I am drawing upon for this stuff?Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut. I so appreciate it LSK. You’re a wise sister in Christ and I thank you.
You say, “We do not need you to babysit for us this weekend. Thank you so much for offering. Good-bye”. AND THEN YOU HANG UP. do not lie. Lying is a sin.
You may want desperately to hurt them as badly as they have hurt you, but believe me it is not worth it because you will have to make amends to them at some point in your life unless you want to spend eternity in Purgatory.
- Call your parish office and see if there is anyone known to the people there who can be trusted watching your children.
If the answer is “Yes” - have your HUSBAND contact HIS FAMILY and tell them “Thank you so much for offering to watch the kids for us this weekend. We so appreciate all you do. However, we have made other arrangements so we won’t need your help. Good-bye”.
If your husband cannot or will not do this because he is afraid of them, you do it. BE SURE TO HANG UP AFTER YOU SAY GOOD-BYE.
If the answer is “No” - cancel the weekend retreat, eat the money, start saving for next year and for the cost of a sitter.
You keep emphasizing ‘communication’. My experience is that you cannot communicate in the manner in which you wish to communicate when the other party is not in their right minds. IF you are exaggerating, and maybe they are not as crazy as you are making them out to be then I can understand this insistence on your part to keep trying to communicate with them. If, however, you are telling the unvarnished truth and these people are demonic, insane, abusive, crazed, horrific etc THEN THERE IS NO NEED TO COMMUNICATE WITH THEM AT ALL…get it?
And trust me - I learned this the hard way and can show you the scars to prove it.
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La_Chiara
Guest
Leslie–You GO, girl! 
Sparkle–Listen to Leslie! She’s tough but she’s telling it like it is.:yup:
Sparkle–Listen to Leslie! She’s tough but she’s telling it like it is.:yup:
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mumto5
Guest
Yes, it is possible to cut off communication like you would with a homeless person. What would you do if it was a friend? How much more should family be allowed to get away with? The point I’m making is that communication is a two way street. If they don’t want to communicate, there is nothing that is going to improve the situation. IF you and your husband are united, you can do just that - cut them out just like that. If he’s not with you, there’s nothing you can do BUT they way I see it, you are just digging deeper hole for yourself by your ongoing communications. You aren’t going to get anywhere yourself. Your husband needs to take over and you need to leave it alone.
Yes, I have a lot of experience I am working from.
As for the present, they have not had a lot of time to send it let alone for it to get through the postal system. Maybe they haven’t had time to get to the Post office. Maybe they have and it’s still coming. Maybe your husband could take some responsibility and take your son around to get his present - you could stay home. Why is your son so upset about this one present? Did you point out to him that they hadn’t sent it yet? It has been only 3 days since the party and one of those was a Sunday. I assume your post offices are shut then.
You have been given good advice about how to communicate with them - use the one word sentences.
We can’t solve your problem for you. Maybe you should go and see a counsellor by yourself and get this in perspective for yourself. It might help you come up with a plan and approach. At the moment, it seems you are just inflaming the situation though it’s much harder to offer any constructive advice when we don’t know your husband’s thoughts and wishes on this whole situation,
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LSK
Guest
And, Sparkle, do you remember telling us that your counselor confirmed that controlling people will do whatever is necessary to get their own way?
Quite frankly, you are displaying similar tendencies…by golly, you are going to come up with a way to tell them off one way or another despite the fact that it has never EVER worked for you in the past.
PLEASE READ THE POST WHERE I GAVE YOU SOME VERY SPECIFIC STUFF TO SAY AND DO - which is, by the way, what you requested.
Quite frankly, you are displaying similar tendencies…by golly, you are going to come up with a way to tell them off one way or another despite the fact that it has never EVER worked for you in the past.
PLEASE READ THE POST WHERE I GAVE YOU SOME VERY SPECIFIC STUFF TO SAY AND DO - which is, by the way, what you requested.
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sparkle
Guest
Hi All: Just wanted to say, I left our 3 kids with my “toxic in-laws” for 2 days this past weekend so H and I could attend “Marriage Encounter”. As some friend did mention, our marriage should come first, and I wanted to say we had a wonderful weekend, despite the intensity. I am so glad we attended. Things turned out “Ok” with the in-laws, they loved having the kids, they loved being there with their grandparents, although their driving is another issue, one I just might pose a thread about. One son told me though, “grandma said she doesn’t think too highly of you, since I cancelled the party”. OK. As one very wise poster did say, I must think that OK, so they think that, big deal, my children spend most of their time with me and H, and our family. PTL. That WE are their main influences nonetheless. I said to son, well, that’s OK that’s her feelings, etc. So she’s upset I cancelled the party. And for one of the first times in my life, I knew I had done the right thing, and whatever feelings others had, well, that was their deal, not mine.
Thank you to all who have been involved with this issue. You have helped me so much. It is really Ok now. Now I’m being faced with issues of my H’s parents being too old to drive effectively, my kids said they went on the wrong freeway on-ramp, etc. This is a real concern of mine from here forwards. Thank you all for listening and reading this.
Luv,
Sparkle
Thank you to all who have been involved with this issue. You have helped me so much. It is really Ok now. Now I’m being faced with issues of my H’s parents being too old to drive effectively, my kids said they went on the wrong freeway on-ramp, etc. This is a real concern of mine from here forwards. Thank you all for listening and reading this.
Luv,
Sparkle
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Cupofkindness
Guest
Sparkle:
I’m so glad that the marriage encounter weekend was a good one for you and your husband. But about the freeway ramp: your in-laws driving your children around must be a non-issue, you and your husband must agree that the children cannot ever go into a car with either of them behind the wheel under any circumstances whatsoever. Period. Going the wrong way on a freeway ramp undoubtably very scary for your kids, thank God they weren’t involved in a head-on collision. Don’t even discuss it with your in-laws, it will only cause more conflict. Just make certain that you avoid any and every situation where your little ones have to drive somewhere with grandma and grandpa. Train your children to be discrete about the matter as well.
I’m so glad that the marriage encounter weekend was a good one for you and your husband. But about the freeway ramp: your in-laws driving your children around must be a non-issue, you and your husband must agree that the children cannot ever go into a car with either of them behind the wheel under any circumstances whatsoever. Period. Going the wrong way on a freeway ramp undoubtably very scary for your kids, thank God they weren’t involved in a head-on collision. Don’t even discuss it with your in-laws, it will only cause more conflict. Just make certain that you avoid any and every situation where your little ones have to drive somewhere with grandma and grandpa. Train your children to be discrete about the matter as well.
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sparkle
Guest
Yes indeed!!! I’ll do just that! Thanks!!!
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Celia
Guest
Sparkle, I’ve been following your posts and I just wanted to say I’m glad your weekend went so well with your husband. I think you guys really needed that. Oh, and about the driving thing…I second CupofKindness, my grandfather had to have his license taken away when he got older because his vision was so bad and he was getting disoriented when driving. My parents never let any of us drive with him, long before he got the license taken away. Don’t take chances, just make other arrangements, etc. Best of luck to you!!
Oh, and about the driving thing…I second CupofKindness, my grandfather had to have his license taken away when he got older because his vision was so bad and he was getting disoriented when driving. My parents never let any of us drive with him, long before he got the license taken away. Don’t take chances, just make other arrangements, etc. Best of luck to you!! - Status