How To Handle Abusive In-laws And Family?

[La_Chiara]

Oh, my goodness. I am not sure that was a productive solution to your difficulties. And you didn’t get advice from the forums first? Sparkle, I think it might be good for you to think long term. Consider what you hope to achieve with family relationships and how to get there. Then work toward your goals. Certainly cancelling the party is not the end of the world, but unfortunately it is more likely to aggravate rather than resolve.

 

[momof3boys]

Sparkle, I am sorry about the incident with the in-laws. I know how it feels to be “attacked” by in-laws. My MIL & FIL are very “devout Catholics” & once made the accusation that I was a bad mother & person because I didn’t want to spend time visiting the family. I had wanted to take a day to go site-seeing. Anyway, without getting into all of the details, my hubby sat right next to me while they were telling me all this & said NOTHING!!
I couldn’t believe that he would not defend his wife. It was such a hurtful thing to have happen & I hope that it is not going to happen to you. I don’t know why some men are such wimps when it comes to that. I would never put up with my parents talking to my husband that way. Maybe I am reading too much into what you are saying, hopefully your hubby is going to stick by your side.
Good luck.

 

[mumto5]

You are right, it’s going to hit the fan. At least you are aware of it. This is just something you are going to have to go through to get it to end. Be strong. I can just abour guarantee you it’s going to cause a rift. A lot of how this goes and the long term impact is going to depend on where your husband is at with his family. How does he see things?

 

[LSK]

Feeling kinda sick actually today,to my tummy, I called my in-laws and BIL and told them I was cancelling the “party”. Just the thought of it lately was really making me ill, the why’s, how’s what if’s, etc. I really thought it best to just call it off, at least for them, whom make and always have made me literally “ill” in my own house. I was dreading it, and decided I just cannot do it.

Ok, you made a decision and took an action. No matter what, you always have to be willing to accept the consequences of any action you take. Whether you should of cancelled or not is no longer the issue - it is what it is and will produce the reaction it is supposed to produce.

Yes, they spouted off at me, telling me off, to no end, (another story all together) —both in-laws getting on phone lines, yelling at me, telling me off, etc., what did I expect? Nothing. But, all the same it’s really OK. I know now that I have limits, and that I am OK with them, all the same. That I just CANNOT invite people into my home that make me ill and uncomfortable.

Sparkle, if what you are telling us is that when you called these people and said, “I am coming down with the flu and have to call off the party. I am so sorry” they started screaming at you, then I think you have produced the necessary evidence to prove that this entire group of people are crazy and should never be allowed to contact you or your children again. If, however, you called them up and said, “I’m so sorry but the though of having you nut cases in my home is just making me sick, so I am cancelling your invitation” then you are going to need to look very seriously at your behavior in all of this - and I would suggest you do a 4th step around it as I suggested earlier.

WOW—for one of the first times in my life, I took a stand for ME, and what I had to do. Maybe it will cause a rift, as I told H I was calling it off for his family, he said “he doesn’t agree with it”…I’m afraid he is not one to truly leave and cleave, and I’m just going to have to face the consequences of this. Nevertheless, I did what I felt was best for my family

.

Do I understand this correctly? You invited them without talking to him and then you ‘uninvited them’ without talking to him? If I am misreading this, forgive me. Do you guys EVER discuss actions before they are taken?

Pray for me. I have a feeling all s___ will hit the fan this weekend.

Baby girl and Sister Catholic - you are always in my prayers. And I hope we are always in yours.

 

[sparkle]

LSK:

Ok, you made a decision and took an action. No matter what, you always have to be willing to accept the consequences of any action you take. Whether you should of cancelled or not is no longer the issue - it is what it is and will produce the reaction it is supposed to produce. Yes, you’re right! I did!!!

You invited them without talking to him and then you ‘uninvited them’ without talking to him? If I am misreading this, forgive me. Do you guys EVER discuss actions before they are taken?

Yes, we usually discuss all things. But H was at work, very hard to reach him, and all day yesterday I was thinking as you said, “the thought of having these nut cases over to my home is making me ill”, so I cancelled it. Yes, I know I made the mistake of inviting them in the first place. I didn’t give any explanation, but just said “the party is off, sorry”. Then they proceeded to mouth off. “Well we want to come over anyway and bring your son a card”. I said to please mail it to him. Felt like saying the real reason for cancelling, but it is not necessary. I called BIL to cancel too, and sure enough he shows up this a.m. at 7:00 a.m. without calling, bringing my son a card, then saying they were “uninvited” for tonite. This is just SO, SO sick. I want to move SO much to a different town to physically separate from these folks. It’s most unpleasant with them in our lives. Thanks for the prayers!!! I’ve given the situation over to God, sometimes that’s all we can do.

 

[sparkle]

mumto5:

You are right, it’s going to hit the fan. At least you are aware of it. This is just something you are going to have to go through to get it to end. Be strong. I can just abour guarantee you it’s going to cause a rift. A lot of how this goes and the long term impact is going to depend on where your husband is at with his family. How does he see things?

Well-pretty much he goes along with my decision. Hasn’t said much, but he certainly knows how I feel, and has said “I understand how you can feel the way you do”. So he knows. I also showed him some of the book “Toxic In-Laws”–and he was stunned to see a perfect description of his parents in there.! How could someone NOT understand? Thanks for replying!!!

 

[La_Chiara]

sparkle:

I called BIL to cancel too, and sure enough he shows up this a.m. at 7:00 a.m. without calling, bringing my son a card, then saying they were “uninvited” for tonite. This is just SO, SO sick.

I am confused. You did uninvite the BIL. So why is it “just SO, SO sick” for him to tell your son that?

 

[kage_ar]

May I ask a question here – what does your son want for his birthday? Does he want to have his family around or just some buddies? This is the son’s birthday, right? Our son’s 15th birthday is fast approaching – he has a choice of going to do the family thing or friends thing, he chose friends. So, we will set up a dance floor out on the yard, I’ll put together a finger food buffet and we will eat and dance with 20 teens. I know it is short notice, but, maybe your son has an idea of what he would like to do?

 

[Island_Oak]

Sorry about the latest turmoil…While the invite them/uninvite them might have been best avoided altogether, for those who caution you about causing a “rift,” I’d say nonsense. You’ve long since passed “rift” and have been living with the bloomin’ San Andreas fault in your family for far to long! It’s high time to limit all contact and further damage.

On the rare occasion when you deal with their calls, if for any reason they lose it and come even close to raising their voice to you, simply say ‘I’m sorry it has come to this, and we can discuss it another time when you are more calm/in control of yourself.’ Then HANG UP–don’t ever stay on the line and take their abuse.

I would also seriously reconsider allowing them to babysit or otherwise have contact with your kids. I cannot imagine anything–short of a catastrophic injury/illness–that would justify contact with or reliance on these people. If you can’t move away for some reason…cut them out of your lives entirely. It is a serious enough issue from all that I’ve read that I would consider some time of separation from your husband if you don’t get some support from him on this issue. Your physical, mental and spiritual health is being compromised on an almost daily basis. This is abuse of the most insidious and destructive sort and you are under constant attack from every corner. I think you’re playing with fire if you stay in the middle of it.

 

[sparkle]

Island Oak:

Sorry about the latest turmoil…While the invite them/uninvite them might have been best avoided altogether, for those who caution you about causing a “rift,” I’d say nonsense. You’ve long since passed “rift” and have been living with the bloomin’ San Andreas fault in your family for far to long! It’s high time to limit all contact and further damage.

On the rare occasion when you deal with their calls, if for any reason they lose it and come even close to raising their voice to you, simply say ‘I’m sorry it has come to this, and we can discuss it another time when you are more calm/in control of yourself.’ Then HANG UP–don’t ever stay on the line and take their abuse.

I would also seriously reconsider allowing them to babysit or otherwise have contact with your kids. I cannot imagine anything–short of a catastrophic injury/illness–that would justify contact with or reliance on these people. If you can’t move away for some reason…cut them out of your lives entirely. It is a serious enough issue from all that I’ve read that I would consider some time of separation from your husband if you don’t get some support from him on this issue. Your physical, mental and spiritual health is being compromised on an almost daily basis. This is abuse of the most insidious and destructive sort and you are under constant attack from every corner. I think you’re playing with fire if you stay in the middle of it.

Thanks so much IO!!! I’m going to our new marriage counselor by myself tomorrow–H went by himself last week. He said he likes to meet with us independently, then together, so he can see and get all sides. I plan on discussing this issue with him tomorrow. Yes, I have re-considered leaving them there next weekend. Is it worth it? The negativity? They’ll probably bad mouth me for sure to my little ones. Why would I want this? I DONT. They’ll be plenty of other marriage encounters. So I’m doing some thinking on this one, and will ask the counselor about it as well. I feel so much better knowing they will NOT be here tonite. Am going to clean and do some shopping now, and it feels like such a relief! Thanks so much for your (name removed by moderator)ut!!! I do appreciate it alot. You’re right on in your assessment too–except H and I do love each other and our family, it’s not headed for separation. We just need to work out some stuff, which we are doing.

 

[LSK]

Island Oak:

Sorry about the latest turmoil…While the invite them/uninvite them might have been best avoided altogether, for those who caution you about causing a “rift,” I’d say nonsense. You’ve long since passed “rift” and have been living with the bloomin’ San Andreas fault in your family for far to long! It’s high time to limit all contact and further damage.

On the rare occasion when you deal with their calls, if for any reason they lose it and come even close to raising their voice to you, simply say ‘I’m sorry it has come to this, and we can discuss it another time when you are more calm/in control of yourself.’ Then HANG UP–don’t ever stay on the line and take their abuse.

I would also seriously reconsider allowing them to babysit or otherwise have contact with your kids. I cannot imagine anything–short of a catastrophic injury/illness–that would justify contact with or reliance on these people. If you can’t move away for some reason…cut them out of your lives entirely. It is a serious enough issue from all that I’ve read that I would consider some time of separation from your husband if you don’t get some support from him on this issue. Your physical, mental and spiritual health is being compromised on an almost daily basis. This is abuse of the most insidious and destructive sort and you are under constant attack from every corner. I think you’re playing with fire if you stay in the middle of it.

I’m with you. She should never allow these people anywhere near her again. If what she has described to us is the unvarnished, total truth then they need to change their telephone number at the very least, take out a restraining order that bars these people from getting within 500 yards of her family and - if all else fails - MOVE.

Good luck, Sparkle. Too bad your son’s birthday got all caught up in this stuff. You - as always - are in my prayers.

 

[sparkle]

LSK:

I’m with you. She should never allow these people anywhere near her again. If what she has described to us is the unvarnished, total truth then they need to change their telephone number at the very least, take out a restraining order that bars these people from getting within 500 yards of her family and - if all else fails - MOVE.

Good luck, Sparkle. Too bad your son’s birthday got all caught up in this stuff. You - as always - are in my prayers.

Hi Leslie: Thank you so much for your understanding and of course your prayers in this most hard situation for me and truly one of my crosses to bear in my marriage. I know many share these types of struggles as well. You are a dear, like so many who have heard my recent woes etc., and hardships, and who always respond. I can’t tell you what it means to me. Well–tonite we’re going out to a nice restaurant for son’s B-day, (FUN)–then some of his friends and their parents whom I really like will come over for dessert and punch. It will be nice and relaxing! YAY! Tomorrow H & I have a nice surprise in store for the kids!

Get this—as I called H’s family yesterday to “cancel the party”–they go behind my back and interrupt H at work on his cell just came to find out just now----(H called) --to ask if they can come over. Oh my-----typical dis-respect. Luckily H stood by me and did not make any arrangements. I’m so happy about this. Just a little hint of “leaving and cleaving”. This verse has really gotten to be SO important to me in a marriage, I cannot tell you. Perhaps I can, one day, teach a young marrieds Bible Study on the topic. I pray God can use me and my experience to perhaps help young marrieds. Who knows? It’s SO important to “leave and cleave”. Don’t you agree?

 

[sparkle]

La Chiara:

I am confused. You did uninvite the BIL. So why is it “just SO, SO sick” for him to tell your son that?

Oh La Chiara----because it’s the same ol same ol----thing—creating a scapegoat for THEIR illness------“your mother is so weird, she uninvited us over”------ya know? we can abuse her, your dad, your folks’ marriage, etc., but WE’RE still entitled to do what we want around your family…etc., etc…drop over anytime, not respect your parents, etc., as long as WE get what WE want. Do you understand? If not, it’s OK. Perhaps you might one day, if not, still, thx for replying all the same. It means alot!

 

[sparkle]

Question for my friends who have followed this thread:

When BIL just showed up unexpected this a.m., with his B-day card for my son, he wrote in it, “You owe me this and that, pool playing in our home, and more, etc…”. Upon reflection of such, I became most angry, thinking HE owes this son, his nephew and his bro and SIL, an apology, first and foremost for his most recent display. How should I handle this? I told H to tell him this, he said: “Aw I don’t think I want to say that”…well should I e-mail him? phone him? It was so totally inappropriate, his actions lately, and now so typical of in-laws and him, just thinking they are SO entitled to relationship, despite all. MAN-how can a person think such? They just don’t see anything! The cat yes has my tongue when speaking with them, because they scream, spew off, I am just so stunned, I don’t know what to say at the time, until later. I sure can see what my H has endured. They are so intimidating, he doesn’t have time to get his thoughts together. Now they’re back into play here, phoning H, suggestive requests to my teen sons, etc. I feel something has to be said. H won’t. What should I do? How should I take a stand with such abusive folks? When I “cancelled the party”–they were screaming “you just want to cut us off”, etc., etc. I was thinking YES, because you do not deserve to be in our lives, all the abuse you have caused us, etc. I could feel my blood pressure rising. Every letter in the past I have written, they just throw away, make no effort to discuss it, etc., I am just so tired of it all. I want to cut off ALL contact with them, but they still seem to require a “WHY”? H is not up to doing it, well think of him and how he put up with their nonsense for 23 years—do you blame him? Should I write another letter? I just cannot face a in-person discussion. They yell, glare, manipulate, it’s just so nasty friends. Yet, I feel another letter writing coming on. IF H is willing to do nothing, perhaps I just must write to them again. What do you all think and advise?

 

[LSK]

Question for my friends who have followed this thread:

When BIL just showed up unexpected this a.m., with his B-day card for my son, he wrote in it, “You owe me this and that, pool playing in our home, and more, etc…”.

Wait, I don’t get it. The BIL says your son owes him OR that he owes the son pool playing in his home, etc. In other words, he wants the son to come over and spend time with him and so he say he OWES the son that for a birthday present?

Upon reflection of such, I became most angry, thinking HE owes this son, his nephew and his bro and SIL, an apology, first and foremost for his most recent display.

Listen to me. STOP IT. It does not MATTER what he owes you or not - you keep telling us this man is part of a family of mentally deranged, psychotic nut cases. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU WILL EVER GET AN APOLOGY FROM HIM ABOUT ANYTHING???

How should I handle this?

Put it in your Jesus box and FORGET about it.

I

told H to tell him this, he said: “Aw I don’t think I want to say that”…

Stop telling your husband what to do…he is a big boy and if he does not want to confront a dangerous, crazy, abusive man guess what, sparkle? HE IS RIGHT.

well should I e-mail him? phone him?

NO

It was so totally inappropriate, his actions lately, and now so typical of in-laws and him, just thinking they are SO entitled to relationship, despite all.

Why do you continue to be surprised by this behavior? Has it changed? Were they just wonderful yesterday and then today lost their minds? Will you please face the fact that you cannot control, manipulate, tell, beg, plead or other do something that will change them?

MAN-how can a person think such? They just don’t see anything!

No, really?

The cat yes has my tongue when speaking with them, because they scream, spew off, I am just so stunned, I don’t know what to say at the time, until later. I sure can see what my H has endured. They are so intimidating, he doesn’t have time to get his thoughts together. Now they’re back into play here, phoning H, suggestive requests to my teen sons, etc. I feel something has to be said. H won’t. What should I do? How should I take a stand with such abusive folks? When I “cancelled the party”–they were screaming “you just want to cut us off”, etc., etc. I was thinking YES, because you do not deserve to be in our lives, all the abuse you have caused us, etc. I could feel my blood pressure rising. Every letter in the past I have written, they just throw away, make no effort to discuss it, etc., I am just so tired of it all. I want to cut off ALL contact with them, but they still seem to require a “WHY”? H is not up to doing it, well think of him and how he put up with their nonsense for 23 years—do you blame him? Should I write another letter? I just cannot face a in-person discussion. They yell, glare, manipulate, it’s just so nasty friends. Yet, I feel another letter writing coming on. IF H is willing to do nothing, perhaps I just must write to them again. What do you all think and advise

Enough, Sparkle. Get your Jesus Box out, write it down, get on your knees, pray the following:

Jesus, look! Here it is AGAIN! And boy do I want to do something because I feel so violated and unloved and disrespected. I feel maybe a fraction of what you must have felt in the Garden and I am suffering a tiny bit of what You suffered on the way to be murdered for my sake. So, please, I offer myself to thee, to build with me and to do with me as YOU will. Relieve me of my need to be vindicated, respected, loved, protected - of the bondage of SELF that I may better do YOUR will. Take away my difficulties that victory over them may demonstrate to those I would serve of Thy Power, Thy Love, and Thy way of Life. Take all of me, Good and Bad. Remove from me every single defect of my character that stands between me and you. I ask this in loving surrender to THY WILL.

AMEN.

Put the paper in the Jesus Box, put the box in its hiding place so your Husband and your children do not accidently find it and then go celebrate your child’s birthday. IT IS HIS DAY AND NOT YOURS.

Love and prayers,

 

[La_Chiara]

sparkle–PLEASE read LSK’s post very carefully. DO NOT write another letter. Breathe deeply, calm down, let it pass. Writing another letter WILL NOT do anything that the other letters were not able to accomplish. Give it to God. Learn to let their behavior slide right over you. Do not let it upset you. You are in charge of your emotions–don’t cede that control to them by letting them upset you. Please don’t react. Your counselor can help you develop better coping skills for this situation. You can’t change these people. You can only change yourself and how you react. Please pray for strength.

 

[Island_Oak]

sparkle:

Question for my friends who have followed this thread:

…How should I handle this? I am just so tired of it all…I want to cut off ALL contact with them, but they still seem to require a “WHY”? IF H is willing to do nothing, perhaps I just must write to them again.

Walk, no RUN AWAY as fast as you can. Do NOT initiate any further contact with these people to explain. You owe them NOTHING and have no hope of teaching or receiving decency or respect from them. They don’t care WHY you are cutting them off. They’re MAD that you are standing up for yourself and hoping to intimidate you back into the corner. Accept those FACTS and think of them as the poison they are and avoid contact at all costs!!!

p.s. I know you love your husband–but getting all of you out of this mess might be the most loving thing you can do. If that means you have to be the first to leave and/or to go alone, I wouldn’t let that stop you.

 

[LSK]

Island Oak:

Walk, no RUN AWAY as fast as you can. Do NOT initiate any further contact with these people to explain. You owe them NOTHING and have no hope of teaching or receiving decency or respect from them. They don’t care WHY you are cutting them off. They’re MAD that you are standing up for yourself and hoping to intimidate you back into the corner. Accept those FACTS and think of them as the poison they are and avoid contact at all costs!!!

Three people have urged you to stop writing letters, stop trying to make them be something they are not and stop being in this relationship with them. You are trying to teach the pig to sing opera again, Sparkle.

 

[momof3boys]

Sparkle, I wish you weren’t in the situation you are in. I agree with all the others that are telling you to change your phone number, don’t contact them in ANY way. You will just be inviting them to attack you again. I don’t know if this is your case, but I used to thrive off of all the drama that was going on in my life. Thank God I am not that way anymore. It is so easy to get sucked into the situation. You need to be the role model for your children. If you let other people treat you w/o respect, they might stop respecting you, too. I am not saying you have to confront the in-laws, but you should NOT let them around anymore. Don’t let them put you on a guilt trip. You need to do what is best for your CHILDREN & your MARRIAGE. I pray you will have the strength to get through this. Don’t depend on the in-laws for anything. It will just give them something to hold over you.
My prayers are with you. I hope your son has a great b-day regardless of what is going on. And I certainly hope he doesn’t feel any of this is his fault.
God Bless.

 

[LSK]

And for heaven’s sake block their numbers on your phone until you can change your number, block their email, write ‘return to sender’ on any mail they send you and stop thinking that telling them off will make anything better. Have you ever heard the expression “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results?”. You have written them, you have emailed them, you have phoned them, you have told them how you feel over and over and over again. Why would THIS time be any different than the other 4, 253 1/2 times you attempted to ‘make them understand’?

Momto3 has a very good point, Sparkle - you may just be enyoing all the drama. It is, afterall, a way to keep the focus off yourself and what you must do to (in the words of my wise older sister) ‘put your big girl pants on’ and grow up.