How To Handle Abusive In-laws And Family?

[sparkle]

LSK:

And for heaven’s sake block their numbers on your phone until you can change your number, block their email, write ‘return to sender’ on any mail they send you and stop thinking that telling them off will make anything better. Have you ever heard the expression “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results?”. You have written them, you have emailed them, you have phoned them, you have told them how you feel over and over and over again. Why would THIS time be any different than the other 4, 253 1/2 times you attempted to ‘make them understand’?

Momto3 has a very good point, Sparkle - you may just be enyoing all the drama. It is, afterall, a way to keep the focus off yourself and what you must do to (in the words of my wise older sister) ‘put your big girl pants on’ and grow up.

Thanks all! You’re all absolutely right. I wrote a draft letter to BIL, but thank goodness I haven’t mailed it yet and won’t! I promise. Time to move on here. I feel like throwing up today with all this mess–literally it has/is affecting my health. I’m done with it. Just have to be.
How are you all? Please let me know what is new in your lives? Son WILL have a superb B-day!
Luv,Your friend
Sparkle

 

[mumto5]

Wow, so many posts overnight. I’ve skimmed the latest ones and didn’t realise you had written letters before this. Like the others have said, you need to stop now. All you are doing with your contact is making yourself the bad guy and giving them evidence against you. Who is to say they aren’t keeping everything they have received from you and will one day pull it out and say to your husband, a court, whoever, ‘look at the kind of person we are dealing with?’ using those things as evidence? I’m not saying it’s never appropriate to write, just that it has to be done carefully and sparingly.

What needs to happen is for your husband, their own family member, to deal with them. He might not be there yet, maybe you need a counsellor to help with this, but he needs to do it.

I personally wouldn’t have uninvited them to the party and would just have dealt with it ‘one last time’. The obviously have wind that you are wanting to cut them off. Why do they think this? You must have made it pretty clear somehow.

Anyway, just some thoughts but do step back. For your own sake.

 

[momof3boys]

I agree that the in-laws might use past letters, etc against you. They aren’t even friendly to you now, so who is to say they wouldn’t turn on you in a worse way? Please, just let it go. If your hubby wants to deal with them, that is up to him, but I would make it absolutely clear they are NOT WELCOME in your home. That is your personal, safe place. No one should make you uncomfortable in your own home.

 

[KathleenElsie]

Sparkle:

I have allowed my family to abuse me for years.

I won’t go into details. But, it has been almost one year since I cut off all ties to my family members. Interaction with them was not good for any of us. Our life style and beliefs were challanged as well as my “place” in the family.

I keep them in my prayers daily. This is what I can do after 50 years of being the scape goat of the family. The time came that the my husband and I could no longer allow the abuse. It is hard to break the habit of allowing everyone to abuse me but it is getting better with each day.

GOD BLESS

 

[sunshine09]

LSk has the answer on point. Please read and re-read what LSK has witten. It is not up to you to tell your husband how to handle his parents. I have actually learned this through trial and error. Of course you should let your husband know how you feel but it is time to let go. It is actually really simple when you do it. You are not required to have a relationship with your in-laws especially if they do not treat you with respect.

God Bless

 

[sparkle]

momof3boys:

I agree that the in-laws might use past letters, etc against you. They aren’t even friendly to you now, so who is to say they wouldn’t turn on you in a worse way? Please, just let it go. If your hubby wants to deal with them, that is up to him, but I would make it absolutely clear they are NOT WELCOME in your home. That is your personal, safe place. No one should make you uncomfortable in your own home.

Thank you friend. Your post clearly sums it all up. And this exactly is the course I am taking. Thanks again. I really appreciate your reply momof3boysand LSK and so many others. I have not sent any letters or made any further phone calls. I have finally realized that I am entitled to not let abusers in my home. And it feels like such a relief. Many of you know what this feels like. I thank God for giving me the strength finally to tackle this most difficult situation. Despite whatever s___hits the fan, I can handle it, and be strong, and do whatever it takes to deal with these most abusive in-laws. BTW, son’s party last night was awesome, just some nice friends whom we all love and have known for 11 years, relaxation in our home, all supportive loving folks. My in-laws called MY parents to gripe about how they were “uninvited”. Of course mom calls me to talk. I just said “because” we uninvited them, no explanation. Isn’t about time I grow up at my age? Well we live and learn I guess. I know it’s not over. Will probably have some future dilemmas which I’ll write in about, but it’s good we can vent here. We have alot to deal with the our counselor, but I think I am strong enough to handle it at this point, and have realized alot. Thx so much everyone! God Bless

 

[momof3boys]

Sparkle, I’m just wondering how the b-day went yesterday? I sure hope they stop bothering you. Have a great weekend!

 

[sparkle]

momof3boys:

Sparkle, I’m just wondering how the b-day went yesterday? I sure hope they stop bothering you. Have a great weekend!

Hi–read the above OK? Because I “uninvited them” they yelled, screamed and tried to manipulate me with their words when I told them the party was off. Then they call H at work to still invite themselves. Then they call MY parents who live 6 hours away to gripe some more about it. Can you believe it? Controllers HAVE to get their way. I’m expecting them to come by without calling any day now-----will handle that when it happens. Still, the party was EXCELLENT! Could relax in my own home with nice folks around. Thanks for inquiring!
I’m really learning alot in the book “Toxic In-Laws”. I’ve discovered I tend to be an “under-reactor”—trying to always keep a facade up, smiling, of handling anything and everything, but seething inside. I will try to deal with conflict and abuse directly when it happens from now on.
Bye for now~~
Hope you’re fine momof3boys—just like me–well 4 including my H LOL

 

[LSK]

sparkle:

I’m really learning alot in the book “Toxic In-Laws”. I’ve discovered I tend to be an “under-reactor”—trying to always keep a facade up, smiling, of handling anything and everything, but seething inside. I will try to deal with conflict and abuse directly when it happens from now on.
Bye for now~~
Hope you’re fine momof3boys—just like me–well 4 including my H LOL

and while I am not sure what the psychological, medical term would be I would say you have spent many many many years trying to teach pigs to sing opera - and never ONCE did you think, “Gee, maybe it’s time to stop this”…you just kept demanding that the pig try to sing ONE MORE TIME:dancing:

 

[sparkle]

LSK:

I would say you have spent many many many years trying to teach pigs to sing opera - and never ONCE did you think, “Gee, maybe it’s time to stop this”…you just kept demanding that the pig try to sing ONE MORE TIME:dancing:

You’re right LSK! I love this analogy! Will think of it alot in the future I’m sure! Are you the one who mentioned it? Thanks!

Now I’m on the issue of “boundaries”. I just know my in-laws will pop over sometime this week despite the fact they were UNINVITED on Friday. Because controlling people HAVE to get their way no matter what. (Counselor affirmed this one). Normally, I would be seething when they do, H doing nothing, saying nothing of course, then I would write a short note saying their behavior is not acceptable, which they of course disregard. WHEN it happens, (know it will ) I plan on very calmly nipping it in the butt instantly, saying something like: “Would you like more time with all of us, particularly with your grandchildren”? If so, I know I have asked you many many times to not drop over, and you have chosen to disregard our wishes. When you are ready to respect our boundaries and our requests, like NOT coming over unannounced, let us know. Do you understand"?..
Thoughts? I hope I can do it and be calm, yet firm. But then again, even if they did call first, they’re not people I ever want in my home or in my life. Yet my H loves his abusive parents, and my kids love their grandparents. This is tough.

 

[sparkle]

Friends: If anybody isn’t too sick of me or this topic, could you help me out with the above question and also in this one below.

Do you think it is always good to communicate things with your in-laws, your feelings, etc.? I have been thinking, well have known for years now that my in-laws have virtually “crippled” my husband, destroyed his confidence, his self-esteem, kept him tied to the apron strings, financially, psycologically, etc. This has totally affected hubby’s lack of persistence in job finding, job firings, irresponsibility, lack of that “umph” that most men have, assertiveness, being a go-getter, etc., amongst many other things. Tell me, is it even worth it or at all important to let my in-laws know this? Everyone knows it, not just me. My parents and siblings have said the exact thing, that these in-laws “have kept a tight rope around his neck and really hindered them”. Would it do any good to tell them this? I never have before. Maybe it should be something they should know, and maybe it might help them see more clearly, and try to release some of that rope finally, in looking forward to the future. They can accept it or not, but at least they will know about it, for something to think about. The only thing I ever said to them is that I really don’t think their assisting their son financially has helped him, it’s hindered him. Of course they used the old controllers’ adage, “we’re only trying to help.” Could someone shed some advice on this for me? I really do want to think of the future and perhaps help them see how certain things are really not assisting, but only hindering, i.e always offering monetary assistance when H gets fired from every job. Perhaps encouraging some constructive discussion between H and his parents. What do you think?
Thanks kindly.

 

[Island_Oak]

Please disregard the utter frustration in the tone of this post but what part of “HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THESE PEOPLE ANYMORE” don’t you understand?!?!?

These folks DON’T CARE about you, your husband, kids, your feelings, self-esteem, needs or the quality of the relationship. Every time you contact them–you validate their control over your life. WALK AWAY and don’t look back, explain, justify, accuse or apologize.

 

[momof3boys]

Sparkle, I have to agree with Island Oak. Cut off all communication. I am pretty sure they know the effect they are having on your hubby & the rest of your family. They just don’t seem to care & actually probably enjoy it. These people need help & it is not your job to do it. You need to wash your hands of these people. IF they decide to change their ways & make amends with you, things MIGHT be different, but that change has to be made by them. We can’t force people to be nice to us, like us, or treat us better. Actually, people treat us the way we let them.
I hope I don’t sound too harsh, but it bothers me that these people are still getting to you that way. Maybe I should call & tell them to leave you alone!
Not really, but please let it go.

 

[rayne89]

Sparkle stop all the drama that these relationships are creating and move on. Stop interacting with these people. Island Oak is right there is not a word or a phrase or book for that matter that will suddenly change these people’s point of view. There is not a thing you can do; you are beating a dead horse. You keep hoping one day they will open their eyes and see how wrong they are and how right you are but it’s not going to happen. Flinging crucifixes in their faces, writing letters, making demands etc -none of that will change these people. The only person you have control of is yourself.

The only problem is if you are still receiving financial support from his parents they will always have their nose in your business. You are in a difficult marriage with alot of financial and emotional stress. Either you remain as you are and wallow in your sorrow or decide this is never going to have a fairy tale ending and make some healthy changes in your life. Even if that means the dreaded idea of getting a job and making some hard decisions.

In a perfect world things go just as we planned. But all the hoping, rationalizing, reasoning, demanding, begging, and wishing isn’t going to change the reality of your situation.

Go before the tabernacle, pray to God to give you strength and do what you need to do. What you want and what you need I think are two different things at this point. Do not be afraid, Christ is always beside you.

 

[sparkle]

Hi. OK. You guys can really see things objectively, I know that. Thank you. But have you been in a position such as mine? where you’re faced with OK then, how do you handle it? what do you do, say? I would be just SO happy to not have them in our lives any longer, at all, period. Tell me how do I handle such, when they live 7 minutes away? Seems there has to be some communication here. Could you help me? KNOW, I agree with everything you have told me. YES~~~~~~ a HUGE YES.

But, friends, you have not said, what should I say to them when they call here? When they pop over? When they say, “we want to see our grandchildren”. I know full well the extent of the situation, but you have not provided concrete advice to me as to what to do or say, what ACTION to take? But what do I say then? “I’ve decided to cut you out of our lives–completely”? “You’re abusive, toxic folks to our family”. Is this your recommendation of what I should say? Could you help me with communicating with these folks?

 

[sparkle]

rayne89:

Sparkle stop all the drama that these relationships are creating and move on. Stop interacting with these people. Island Oak is right there is not a word or a phrase or book for that matter that will suddenly change these people’s point of view. There is not a thing you can do; you are beating a dead horse. You keep hoping one day they will open their eyes and see how wrong they are and how right you are but it’s not going to happen. Flinging crucifixes in their faces, writing letters, making demands etc -none of that will change these people. The only person you have control of is yourself.

The only problem is if you are still receiving financial support from his parents they will always have their nose in your business. You are in a difficult marriage with alot of financial and emotional stress. Either you remain as you are and wallow in your sorrow or decide this is never going to have a fairy tale ending and make some healthy changes in your life. Even if that means the dreaded idea of getting a job and making some hard decisions.

In a perfect world things go just as we planned. But all the hoping, rationalizing, reasoning, demanding, begging, and wishing isn’t going to change the reality of your situation.

Go before the tabernacle, pray to God to give you strength and do what you need to do. What you want and what you need I think are two different things at this point. Do not be afraid, Christ is always beside you.

Hi Rayne and thx for replying. But is it possible for you to give me some concrete advice as to what to say to these in-laws? Have you ever had/do you have a family by marriage such as this? If not, you have no idea of all the complications involved. It’s nice and easy to say: “Cut them out”. “Stop the drama”, etc., But unless you have truly walked in my shoes, you don’t realize there are concrete steps that must be taken, words that must be said, an action plan that must be enforced. THIS is what I am seeking today. Thank you all the same for your (name removed by moderator)ut.

 

[rayne89]

sparkle:

Hi. OK. You guys can really see things objectively, I know that. Thank you. But have you been in a position such as mine? where you’re faced with OK then, how do you handle it? what do you do, say? I would be just SO happy to not have them in our lives any longer, at all, period. Tell me how do I handle such, when they live 7 minutes away? Seems there has to be some communication here. Could you help me? KNOW, I agree with everything you have told me. YES~~~~~~ a HUGE YES.

But, friends, you have not said, what should I say to them when they call here? When they pop over? When they say, “we want to see our grandchildren”. I know full well the extent of the situation, but you have not provided concrete advice to me as to what to do or say, what ACTION to take? But what do I say then? “I’ve decided to cut you out of our lives–completely”? “You’re abusive, toxic folks to our family”. Is this your recommendation of what I should say? Could you help me with communicating with these folks?

7 minutes away -ee gad. My first instinct would be to move but I know you’re not in the financial situation to do that.

I would be brief and direct next time they call. I will no longer allow you to treat me and my family with such disrespect please do not contact us. And hang up the phone-if they continue to call change your phone number to an unpublished number. If they show up at your house don’t answer the door. If they harass you call the police. If they continue to harass you get a protection order. Do not engage these these people in endless arguments. They do not not need explainations I’m sure they are quite aware of how they have been treating you.

We have a borderline situation with my father-in-law right now. Unfortunately my mother in law is caught in the middle. But at this point we have no desire to visit at their house although she is welcome here anytime. Lucky for us they are over an hour away.

 

[Island_Oak]

sparkle:

But, friends, you have not said, what should I say to them when they call here? When they pop over? When they say, “we want to see our grandchildren”. I know full well the extent of the situation, but you have not provided concrete advice to me as to what to do or say, what ACTION to take? But what do I say then? “I’ve decided to cut you out of our lives–completely”? “You’re abusive, toxic folks to our family”. Is this your recommendation of what I should say? Could you help me with communicating with these folks?

Without wanting to sound harsh (I know you already have enough of that in your life) I don’t think concrete advice is what you’re missing here. Rather, it’s the determination to put an end a pattern of bad behaviour and the habit of tolerating it. The only way that will happen is if you put your foot down consistently. Think of it as like training a 2 year old to stop drawing on the walls in crayon.

You may not be able to move or avoid your in-laws 100% of the time or cut them out of your life entirely–especially given your husband’s disposition. But you do NOT have to initiate contact, ask them for $, babysitting, advice, invite them over, etc. If they call or show up, the moment it becomes negative–TIME OUT–end the call, visit, party, IMMEDIATELY with the statement that the activitiy/contact can continue when they are in control of themselves. PERIOD. DO NOT ARGUE or EXPLAIN FURTHER. Do NOT entertain temper-tantrums. If they won’t leave–you can (ever consider that?) You may have to do this repeatedly before they are taught that they are not in control of you, you are.

It’s really quite pathetic that you have to go to these lengths for adults, and if you keep pity uppermost in your mind it will make it easier to do without resentment or bitterness.

And as for your question–I have no one in my life who is abusive–absolutely wouldn’t tolerate it–but I do have a mother who has control issues. I learned we get along best at a distance with limits on our time together. I have had several occasions in my adult life where I have cut off contact–one time for over 5 months–because I believed her behaviour crossed the line in a serious way. When she finally contacted me (note I did not return to the relationship until she took some initiative to remedy the problem), she was able to listen.

I can’t honestly say whether she ever escapes her own self-absorption, emotional limitations–whatever–to truly understand how her behaviour is offensive–but she can and does modify her behaviour in small ways that make the interaction more tolerable, if not pleasant. Sometimes that’s as good as it gets with some folks. Like one of the other posters said–I don’t expect opera from a pig. I’ve learned to find other people who enhance my life with their thoughtfulness, generosity and friendship instead of leaving me drained. I wish it were otherwise, but have learned to accept the relationship as it is, warts and all, yet without ever allowing her to run me over.

 

[sparkle]

Thx IO. I see, hear, accept and KNOW what you are saying and it is right. BUT, when these folks come around and say: “Can we come over”? I say no, they say why not? what do I then say? Just because? with no explanation? When they say, when are we going to see the kids? I just say what? “Never”. Or “I’ll call you”. or what exactly? Isn’t your approach a little too un-realistic IO? WHEN people keep persisting, isn’t an explanation necessary? Maybe I’m a little deft. Need something tangible, practical.

I hear you. I do, and I am changing my ways. Believe me. I just need to have some strong, positive boundaries IN WORDS that I can use.

 

[LSK]

OK. You guys can really see things objectively, I know that. Thank you. But have you been in a position such as mine? where you’re faced with OK then, how do you handle it? what do you do, say? I would be just SO happy to not have them in our lives any longer, at all, period. Tell me how do I handle such, when they live 7 minutes away? Seems there has to be some communication here. Could you help me? KNOW, I agree with everything you have told me. YES~~~~~~ a HUGE YES.

Yes I have been in this situation. What I did was :

1. A 4th Step
2. A 5th Step

But, friends, you have not said, what should I say to them when they call here?

Get caller ID and when their number comes up - DO NOT ANSWER THE TELEPHONE

When they pop over?

DO NOT ANSWER THE DOOR

When they say, “we want to see our grandchildren”.

you say, 'No", without any explanation at all. “No.” is a complete sentence.

I know full well the extent of the situation, but you have not provided concrete advice to me as to what to do or say, what ACTION to take?

Sparkle, the only way I could be more CONCRETE about the action I have suggested you take and, more importantly, the action I have suggested you NOT take I would have to fly to where you live, move in with you and physically MAKE you do all the things I have suggested. If you can pay for my air fare, and a week’s wages, I will volunteer to do just that…

But what do I say then? “I’ve decided to cut you out of our lives–completely”? “You’re abusive, toxic folks to our family”. Is this your recommendation of what I should say? Could you help me with communicating with these folks?

YOU SAY NOTHING. Listen to me, and listen carefully. YOU are the one who has told us that no matter what you say or how you say it they do not change. OK, we believe you Sparkle. These people are all mentally ill, are incapable of understanding and hate your guts. SO STOP TALKING TO THEM AT ALL.

1. when they call you DO NOT ANSWER THE TELEPHONE
2. when they come over to your house DO NOT ANSWER THE DOOR.
3. Take our a restraining order that bars them from doing 1 or 2.
4. If they call and talk to your husband while he is at work - IT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Do not ask him what they said, or what he said, or what he should say, or anything. If he says, “My mom called today” you say, “OOPS! Sorry, honey…I do not want to hear one thing about those people. You will need to talk to the priest not me”.

Here is the deal, Sparkle. You cannot claim that people are as horrible as you are claiming they are and then ask us to give you advice on how to deal with them YOU CANNOT DEAL WITH THEM…STOP TRYING>>>>>>>>>>>

In fact, it is beginning to sound like your want to keep this little drama going so you can have some excitement in your life. IF YOU WANT IT TO END>>>>>>END IT.