How to handle homosexual in-laws at family party?

[SMHW]

There is something which is not clear to me.

Is the main point of this family party to welcome/introduce the gay partner and the new baby? Or is this simply a party at which the visiters will be in attendance?

If it is the former case (which is what I think you are suggesting) then I think you need to decide what sort of message your attendance or lack thereof makes to the family. If it is the second case, then you are possibly making too big a deal about it.

Would attending the party imply approval of the gay couple? If so, to whom? Regardless of whether or not you attend, you are going to have to explain your position to your teenagers. If you do not attend the party you need to accept any consequences. Will avoiding the party be just to benefit you and your immediate family or are you hoping to send a message?

I think it would be morally acceptable for you and your wife to attend without your teenagers. (Chances are, they aren’t that especially interested in this party anyways.) If your mother-in-law is putting pressure on you, just repeat that they have other plans. Be polite but make it clear you neither owe her nor will offer her any further defense of your decision.

Alternatively, I would arrange for you to take your children and the children of any other family members to a movie, miniature golfing, water park, or whatever, and just have your wife attend the party. (To be polite you may need to say hello to the cousin and make some simple acknowledgement of the partner and the baby. “You are looking well.” “Cute baby outfit.”) Everyone will know that the real reason you are not at the party is that you do not approve of the situation but you are doing it in a charitable fashion.

 

[Auberon_Quin]

mlfranz:

elzbeth99 is correct- “sickened” isn’t the appropriate word. What I should have written was “sick at heart” or “heartbroken”. That they brought a child into this world saddens me beyond words. I can’t begin to imagine what kind of life that little boy will have, the issues he’ll face, etc. Trying to deal with the partnership in a compassionate, loving manner is difficult and challenging, but now with a baby in the picture it complicates the matter incredibly.

Are you still standing by your statement that being in the same room with them makes you ill?

Look, I don’t mean to give you a hard time, particularly, but I don’t really understand how you can claim to feel compassionately towards people who make you feel ill when you’re in the same room with them. I think you’re not being honest with yourself.

That’s understandable; this is a very difficult subject to be honest about.

I’m guessing, given the way that you’ve expressed yourself here, that everyone in your family is perfectly clear on where you stand, including the new family. I’m also guessing that your kids are pretty clear on where you stand.

I hate preaching the virtues of “tolerance,” both because it’s a namby-pamby little virtue and because the term is so widely misunderstood. But I do it anyway.

From my perspective, you “tolerate” your family members, if you can’t manage to love or like them. That doesn’t mean you approve of their choices; it simply means that you recognize their right to make different choices from the ones you would make and attempt to get along with them as best you can because they are your family.

 

[Magnificat]

There are a lot of things I run into that “sicken” me -
liturgical abuse
I’ve had abortion t-shirts
Kerry’s “i don’t believe in abortion, but I will uphold the law” etc.

of course the idea of gay parenting. Don’t the kids have “rights” to a mother and a father? I predict in the next decade or two the products of artificial conception will be suing for the rights that were violated to have/know a mother and a father.

So, I go though periods of time where I am strong and can be a witness for Christ in these situations. Sometimes I am filled with compassion and can be in “sickening” situations without feeling sickened.
Sometimes I can’t and have tremendous anxiety.

I know a lot of orthodox Catholics feel this way.

It is very overwhelming today how the family structure is being tampered with.

So, I don’t think there is an objective right or wrong (and yes I believe in objective truth) here in terms of attending the function, because it’s true that Christ did sit with sinners. And just because he said “sin, no more” doesn’t mean we are supposed to parade into a situation and exclaim “sin, no more.” It often takes time, tactfulness, and assessing the situation, prayer, etc.

So many people in “sinful” situations are often the product of neglectful/abusive parenting themselves, heretical homilies, the brainwashing of the culture, MTV, etc.
We can objectively label things sinful, of course. But we don’t know the circumstances that led the people to the lifestyle.

I don’t think I’d want to expose my kids to this. Teenagers are overexposed to confusing situations anyway. At the same time, the teenagers will be exposed to gay couples/with children anyway, and this might be a way to catechise your children as to how to handle something like this.

I think a lot of this boils down to what would be emotionally healthy for the family. If it would be too “sickening” that is a clue that it’s not emotionally healthy. If you feel at peace and see it as an evangelistic opportunity, then maybe it is.

This situation is one for the Holy Spirit. He will surely guide you as to what is best for your family. And we will be praying for you.
May the Peace of the Lord be with you.

 

[Shelby_Grace]

Dear Mlfranz,

Sorry that you have to be put in such situation to have to choose to attend or not! What a terrible dilemma.
Homosexuals, in my opinion, are suffering individuals…I’ve only known eight such folks in my 36 yrs…at least well enough, I’m sure I’ve met more unknowingly, but each one of them was unhappy inside,some drank a lot, drugged up and all had some traumatic abuse in their background. Most were sexually used/abused by a man when they were under the age of consent. My own cousin had this happen to him even though he hotly denied it to my face, his sister told me I was right. He was 12 at the time. Same type of thing with the other 4 men. So, also, I must mention that 4 out of the 5 have an effeminacy issue to deal with as well.
The remaining homosexuals I knew are female. I met one as a teen. She had been abandoned by her father and her mother drank. She commited suicide as an adult in her 20’s. Sad.
The other female I met in college and she came from a fatherless home…before he left he beat the mother and the kids…and was molested by the mom’s boyfriends.
The other I met in grade school and continued our friendship throughout highschool. She had no father in the home either, who went to jail for abuse of all the family and my friend was initiated into a sexual relationship with the landlord who shared their backyard. She never “came out of the closet” until after she ended this “affair/abuse” with the married neighbor that lasted from age 13 until 28!! She now lives with a woman lover…
I’ve given my opinion that Jesus can take away this emptiness and pain these people experience. They can heal from this! Certainly, no one would choose to feel gay-but I think they wallow in it as a form of slow self destruction. Really, the disease, the unpleasant life style, the uncomfortable situations with society, who would choose it. Yet, they sprint towards these situations that affirm to them they are valuless-Satan’s great lie.
So, Jesus keeps on loving them from afar because they “don’t need Him”. They “need legitimacy,need to be recognized and need to be affirmed” and that takes them over the edge because those elusive “happy” feelings they desperately seek don’t come from playing house or hit-and-run sex or having a fresh clean innocent baby to love. They suffer while they put on a pasted “see-how-great-gay-is” smile. While they cry inside!
Happiness is a gift from God when we follow our vocation to the fullest.
I wouldn’t go to the party…I can’t stand to see people I love slowly killing themselves. Send a note to the hostess…and go on a vacation(great idea someone had!) to make it true. Send a Mass card to the faux couple that you are remembering the baby at Mass for his health and well-being.

Love in Jesus,
Shelby Grace

 

[Funky_Cedars]

mlfranz:

…he can’t help being gay…

as someone with same sex attraction difficulties, i’m not so sure i can agree with this as there is quite a bit of information indicating otherwise. but even if we may feel this is how we are forever destined to be, that doesn’t give us the right to act out our sinfulness any more than the arsonist who feels compelled to burn things has the right to do so. i think the catechism speaks on this pretty well, but can’t id the sections. you’ll find the ccc at the vatican website, www.vatican.va, along with a bunch of other neat stuff. you can also check out www.courageRC.org, the site for Courage, an organization helping ssa folks live chastely in accord with the teachings of holy mother church.
anywho, i’m tempted to tease you, like suggesting you tell them you came just to make sure their kid got to spend time with straight people and didn’t grow up a fag, or you wanted to show your kids why boys should play with trucks and not dolls, but i fear folks might think i’m serious, so i won’t.
regards J mixing with sinners, He never took His teenagers to those dinners. that certainly adds to the mix, cause its often hard to see the difference between hopeful Christian acceptance of the sinner and careless worldly acceptance of the sin, they both can look like you’re saying ‘thats ok’. if you go, i’d suggest that you pray with your kids on the way 1] for the guys who are publicly demonstrating their sinfulness and then 2] for each of the others who will be there since they are, if they’re human, also sinners (even if not showing it publicly) and finally 3] for yourselves since sin can be attractive and confusing and really mess us up.
thanks for listening, love and peace, terry

 

[Debbie]

I’d say if the party is in honor of the gay couple and their child, then I wouldn’t attend.

If it’s simply a family gathering that they will be attending, then go.

Are your teens aware the “Uncle” is gay? Have you already talked with them about the situation? They’re old enough to understand that what is going on is not right and Uncle, his friend, and the baby need your prayers. I wouldn’t make too big of deal out of it–don’t draw any more attention to the matter other than it’s wrong and we’ll pray for them.

Good luck!

Debbie

 

[Stylteralmaldo]

mlfranz:

…What I struggle with the most is the fact they chose to have a son and now expect to be treated as a heterosexual family is treated. And what about the baby? He deserves all the love the extended family (ours included) has to give, but how do I do that without condoning the partnership? And I can’t imagine what kind of life that child is going to have…

I’ll pray for you and your situation. My wife’s brother is homosexual. He too was married and then divorsed. He has a child from that marriage. He too is living with another man. I suppose you could say the two situations are very similar. The two major differences are (1) he conceived the child (as opposed to through a serrogate), and (2) the child is living with the mother.

My brother-in-law does not flaunt his homosexual lifestyle around our family when he visits us. I would likely not want him around if he did. He respects us in this regard. If your cousin respects your desire for him not to flaunt his sexuality when you are together, this would seem reasonable to me.

Love the sinner, not the sin. Don’t endorse it while at the same time not encouraging it. Invite him to family functions as long as he understands and respects the ground rules.

The child is not in a good situation and do your best in trying to convince him of this. Or, if not you, someone that your cousin trusts with matters of advice. Take care and God bless you.

 

[pittsburghjeff]

Aside from the issue of homosexuality, if you and your wife don’t want to go to the family get together for any reason, then don’t go.

The fact that your mother in law is pressuring you to do anything is problematic in its own right.

You are adults and you should be able to make decisions for yourselves free from anyone guilting or manipulating you.

As far as the homosexual issue - you are in a quandry. To raise the issue could cause hard feelings and family discord. To accept that “situation” and act as everything is normal is dishonest and fake. Perhaps the easiest thing to do is stay away.

My wife has a homosexual aunt and uncle and we treat them lovingly but they have enough respect for us not to bring any partners to family events.

 

[Lilyofthevalley]

I don’t think it’s appropriate to ostracize the baby OR the family member. I believe you CAN be civil and still hold your beliefs.
You can have a long dialogue with your children about how this is a morally unacceptable relationship. How The Pope teaches on this subject and why.
You don’t want to allienate your family member OR the baby, either.

 

[MariaG]

I think Debbie brings up a good distinction. What is the purpose of the get together? Is it a baby shower honoring the couple and their new child? If so, that would be a no for me because that celebrates the relationship of the parents, gay or single. Is it a family get together? Then yes, every family has its bad apples.

For me Debbie, you have given me a great way to help decide whether I should attend something. Thanks!

 

[BLB_Oregon]

mlfranz:

Sure hope you folks can give me some guidance. My wife’s cousin from Boston is coming into town for a family party at his parents’ house. He’ll be accompanied by his partner and their infant son. The cousin decided he wanted a family soon after he met his current partner and they paid a woman to be a surrogate mother.

Most of the in-laws are not supportive of the partnership or the fact they are now raising a son but are afraid to speak up for fear of hurting the parents of the cousin. Most everyone has decided to look the other way and treat them as if everything is normal.

My wife and I are sickened by the whole turn of events. We have not acknowledged his new partner or the son and did not attend the baby shower. We have discussed our feelings with other family members but we’ve been told to bury the feelings for the sake ot the cousins parents.

Now the party is coming and my mother-in-law is putting a tremendous amount of pressure on us to attend with our three teenagers.

How should I handle this? I don’t wan’t to validate the gay partnership by treating them as any other couple and the thought of even being in the same room with them makes me ill. And I also am very concerned about setting the right example for my children. But what IS the right example?

I’m sure at a loss here. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

I think talking over the concept of invincible ignorance with your kids might be a good first start. If people don’t see the right, they just don’t see it, and they do the best with the vision they have. When they see better, they need to do better. If your relatives are keeping themselves open to the influence of love, then they are not beyond hope.

If you’re invited to the party, go. They are still your family. You’d go if they were alcohol abusers or vicious gossips or cheated on their spouses or whatever (at least I hope you would), and unless you were confronted with taking a stand, you’d keep your mouth shut and be as patient and kind and polite to them as to any other soul on earth.

If they confront you, you can say, “C’mon, you know what we believe. Are you trying to start a fight? Surely you don’t begrudge us the hope that every child can grow up not just in a stable loving home but in one that includes both their mom and their dad?” And after that, refuse to get into a debate with them. If they insist, arrange to talk about it at a time and place that won’t interfere with what should be a festive gathering, and leave it at that. There is a time and place for confronting people with their sins, and it isn’t in front of all the kids at Grandma’s house.

 

[darcee]

If you don’t go your family will probably condemn you for being self righteous and uncaring.

If you go and make a donkey’s rear of yourself everyone in your family will probably condemn you for being rude.

If you go and coo at the baby, shake the new partner’s hand, be civil, if the topic comes up don’t shy away from your beliefs but don’t make it a point of beating people over the head with them you will stand our as being both classy and faithful.

The child is a source of celebration. Yes, the circumstance into which he was born are dreadful, but you and your family could be a light of Christian love in that situation.

It is NOT your place to judge these people. They sin, I sin, you sin, Jesus died for all our sins. The reason we live in the world and do not isolate ourselves off like the Amish is so that we can affect the world for good. Your staying home does a disservice to everyone.

-D

 

[Lilyofthevalley]

You’d go if they were alcohol abusers​

If they were mean drunks, like most alcohol abusers most people would refrain.

 

[Makerteacher]

I have a similar situation, though the person involved is not a relative but my oldest and dearest friend who has divorced her husband and is living with another woman who has divorced HER husband. There are several children involved.

Since this is a family party and not some sort of a committment celebration or baby shower, your presence there would not automatically indicate approval of the lifestyle choices of ANY of your family members. I would recommend you NOT go if it were a “marriage” or a “gay committment” type thing, but as family party just means you are a part of this family.

I would go to the party, but I would probably not take my teenagers along. If I did take them I would spend a good bit of time beforehand and afterwards disucssing the issues involved and the Church’s teachings on those issues.

You’ll need to avoid saying things like “Congratulations” or “Best wishes” to them, but you can certainly say things like “What a lovely baby” and “I hope you’ll be having him baptized?” You can be gracious without violating your religious beliefs. It sounds like he already knows your stance. I would make it a point to let the cousin know that you love him but are uncomfortable/ distressed by the choices he has made, and that you are available for discussion if he ever feels the need to talk.

It seems to me that he has already done a lot of painful changes and journeying, and may think he has found “home”, but he hasn’t yet.

I would ask for a chance to hold the baby and pray over him, personally, and perhaps even do as the above poster suggested and give him a blessing with holy water. Ask pershaps if you can be godparents? Dunno about the etiquette of that, but that little boy is going to need some help later on.

Then visit with the other family members and leave early. Sprinkle a little more holy water on the cousin’s car maybe

 

[sparkle]

Dearest Friend in Christ MLFranz:

I say, love them with Christ’s love. Period. Nothing you can say or do can change their heart, ONLY Christ can do that!

Wow–these problems are so frequent in all our lives, aren’t they? I happen to have one sick MIL–BUT, still it is my responsibility and duty as a Christian to love them–“love our neighbor as ourselves”–

I pray for you, that Christ’s strength and love will make YOU a total instrument-----AMEN! And always KNOW Christ will USE YOU in amazing ways to minister to them! Just you wait and see!

God Bless~~

 

[Ken]

Mandi:

Children can and do suffer for the sins of the parents! This is as old as time itself. How many children suffer with an acholic parent or from divorce or neglect.

Are we still not suffering because of Adam and Eve.

I feel for this baby, but there is nothing I can do about it - I am not his parent, this baby will have alot of suffering to do! Let us pray that he uses it to his advantage!

Yes. Children do suffer for the shortcomings of parents. But is it our job to pile on? An adult who chooses to cause suffering to a child because of the parents is a moron.

 

[Salena]

mikworld:

I’m with Area Man…
It may be an uncomforatable situation, but it’s not exactly Christian to simply shun everyone except Christians.
This will be a sensitive situation.
Your three teenagers will have to be absolutely clear that the kind of lifestyle being lived by your inlaw is not acceptable, no matter what the trend in our world is.
I think the best thing to do is go in and act with charity and love. We all get into tough situations, but if we fail to be Christlike in each one, we fail to live what we believe.
God Bless,

Justin

I agree with mik and Area. My sister is a lesbian. She lives in Florida with her partner and her 13 year old son. My Mother and Stepfather allow her to bring her partner with her when she comes to visit. It has caused a lot of problems in the family because my baby sister won’t come to any of the family gathering if they are present.
She will come when my cousin and his live-in girlfriend are there (fornication). She comes when my uncle, with many girlfriends on the side, is present (adultry). She believes their (lesbian couple) relationship could influence her 10 year old daughter. Being in the same room with homosexuals won’t make you homosexual, but being in the room with fornicators who are “totally” accepted might send a message to her 10 year old that it’s okay to be a fornicator.
Because of her one sided judgment of one particular group of sinners, I decided to ask the staff of apologist on this forum. I was told there is no sin in treating homosexuals in a good “Christian” manner. Father Corapi says we are to treat homosexuals the same as we would treat other sinners: “Don’t Judge, lest ye’ be judged.”
I am shocked to hear all the biggoted remarks made. If you are going to exculed homosexuals then you need to exclude fornicators and adulters, because all three are moral sins and all three will land you in hell.

 

[LauraL]

Findnmway:

I am shocked to hear all the biggoted remarks made. If you are going to exculed homosexuals then you need to exclude fornicators and adulters, because all three are moral sins and all three will land you in hell.

I’ve been guilty of fornication and adultery. But they weren’t in-your-face like homosexuality is. I didn’t drag my gentleman friends to family gatherings and make everyone acknowledge our relationships as if they were hunky-dorey.

Moreover, one of our friends here has posted about the very real problem of seduction/molestation being a factor in the occurence of homosexuality. I’m not saying that all gays are molesters. In fact, I’d bet the farm my ex-husband is about as safe a gay man as you’ll find anywhere. But if molestation is a common thread in the history of such an overwhelming number of homosexuals that means my child would be at risk and no way on God’s green earth I’d take a chance letting him think Cousin John and his “partner” were okay in their relationship, and no way would I let the gay men develop confidential relationships with my kids that might put my kids at risk.

That’s not condemnation, that’s not bigotry, and it’s not hypocracy. That’s plain ol’ common sense and ordinary caution.

 

[Salena]

mlfranz:

Thank you all for your compassionate and empathetic replies. The fact that the cousin is a homosexual doesn’t bother me (in a homophobic sense) - I’ve known him for over 20 years and he’s always been a smart, sensitive, caring individual. Somewhere along the line, as a married adult, he discovered he was gay, divorced his wife, and took the path he’s now living. My wife spoke with him several times and he’s torn up over it; he can’t help being gay. I feel nothing but sorrow for him, his parents and siblings. His having a partner upsets me, of course, because of the sin being committed.

What I struggle with the most is the fact they chose to have a son and now expect to be treated as a heterosexual family is treated. And what about the baby? He deserves all the love the extended family (ours included) has to give, but how do I do that without condoning the partnership? And I can’t imagine what kind of life that child is going to have…

Please don’t get the idea I condemn them - I don’t. I’m a sinner too.

Thanks again for your replies.

I understand that this is a very complicated situation. It’s new to most of us, unlike adultry or fornication, but being nice to them does not mean you condone their relationship just as if you were nice to any other sinner (aren’t we all?) They are human too and deserve to be treated as such. What they do behind closed doors is between them and God, not us.
Like Ken said, homosexuals are everywhere and it’s only getting worse. You can’t protect your kids from that anymore than you can protect them from all the other sinful things going on in our society.
Good Luck!

 

[Salena]

LauraL:

I’ve been guilty of fornication and adultery. But they weren’t in-your-face like homosexuality is. I didn’t drag my gentleman friends to family gatherings and make everyone acknowledge our relationships as if they were hunky-dorey.

Moreover, one of our friends here has posted about the very real problem of seduction/molestation being a factor in the occurence of homosexuality. I’m not saying that all gays are molesters. In fact, I’d bet the farm my ex-husband is about as safe a gay man as you’ll find anywhere. But if molestation is a common thread in the history of such an overwhelming number of homosexuals that means my child would be at risk and no way on God’s green earth I’d take a chance letting him think Cousin John and his “partner” were okay in their relationship, and no way would I let the gay men develop confidential relationships with my kids that might put my kids at risk.

That’s not condemnation, that’s not bigotry, and it’s not hypocracy. That’s plain ol’ common sense and ordinary caution.

All homosexuals are not “in your face.” I agree there are some, but you can’t say they all are. My sister is not that way and I’ve known many others who were not that way either.
So, you are saying you never brought a guy around that you had had sexual relations with? You are a rare case then, because most do. It most cases when a heterosexual couple is together they are fornicating and in our society it seems to be a given and everyone accepts it. Just look at the satistics…children out of wedlock, aides, etc.
If you and your children attended a party with a gay couple present, do you actually believe they are going to grap them and take them off the molest them? This kind of misguided fear causes bigotry! As far as molestion goes you do know that most men who do mess with children are heterosexual and married? A family member sexually molested me and he wasn’t gay and he was married. I know Many women who were molested because I’m a Social Worker and I can tell you for a fact that not one that I worked with was molested by a gay man.
The only way to protect your kids is to not leave them alone with Anyone! So many are molested by their babysitters husbands, cousins, Uncles, nextdoor neighbors, etc.!
Mistreating and judging others because of their lifestyle is ignorance and that’s exactly what bigotry is. I would hardly call that commen sense.