How to Leave the Gay Life Behind

[CatholicSheila]

Sheila, I think you’re falling into the old “gay people are fundamentally different from straight people” fallacy. The only difference between a married man tempted by other men and a married man tempted by other women is that it’s probably easier for the former man to find a sex partner. Everything else is the same, and BOTH situations have the potential for the sorts of lies and deceptions you’re talking about.

You talk about gays/bisexuals who told their spouse about it being in the small minority, but I don’t think you have evidence for that. This is an anonymous forum where people share all sorts of things that cause them deep stress, but I don’t recall a single married man ever posting to say that he’s gay even though he’s been deceiving his wife about it. I daresay that sort of thing hardly ever happens anymore, and is a relic of a previous generation. I have tremendous sympathy for both spouses in such a marriage, but I don’t think the situation is common.

I really feel that you are reading into what I am saying Prodigal Son.

I don’t think it is common either. Not anymore. Which is completely in line with what I said. I said that many gays and lesbians who come out after 25 years of marriage have described their behaviour as pretending. That is a statement about what people who have entered into such marriages have said after the fact. Not a statement about whether or not such marriages are common. I do think it likely that it was more common 25 years ago - in the mid 80’s and before. It wasn’t as safe to be homosexual then as it is now.

As for my falling for a fallacy - I disagree that the situation is the same. If we look at it from the perspective of a gay man having hidden his sexuality from his wife, there is a whole layer of deception that isn’t present where a straight is tempted to stray. How many straight marriages do you know where the man, or the woman, lies to their spouse from the moment they start dating? About something this important? I am not married, but I do know the importance of honest communication in relationships. In this situation that communication is compromised. There is also the stress that been permanently in the closet can cause - we’re not talking just while a man is having an affair, but his whole marriage. I can only imagine the resentment and anger that no doubt some would experience. I resent it when I am in the closet because I have to be, not because I choose to be. It is not an excuse, nor is an affair acceptable, but it isn’t as simple as a straight man been tempted. I don’t have that view because I think homosexuals can’t control themselves, but because sexuality doesn’t just impact sex.

To tie it into my initial comment, many gays and lesbians who have come out after having been in such a situation have said they were pretending. I do fully acknowledge though that it is an anecdotal statement, but I have heard a lot more of those reports than I have of homosexuals in a happy heterosexual relationship. Hence why I think the latter less common of the two.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Sheila,

When we started talking about this, we weren’t talking about men with SSA who were deceiving their wives wholesale about their proclivities. You seem to be talking about them, now. I agree that they are more likely to destroy marriages than straight men with lust issues. I don’t agree that they were necessarily lying to themselves. That’s the sum of my opinions.

 

[CatholicSheila]

Sheila,

When we started talking about this, we weren’t talking about men with SSA who were deceiving their wives wholesale about their proclivities. You seem to be talking about them, now. I agree that they are more likely to destroy marriages than straight men with lust issues. I don’t agree that they were necessarily lying to themselves. That’s the sum of my opinions.

Now I have to laugh. You think I put us on this conversation. I think you put us onto this conversation. Conversations can be funny like that.

I do agree that it isn’t related to the film. Somehow we just got there. I was going to say that in my last post - instead I defended my view. Guess you acted like the bigger man on this one.

 

[Prodigal_Son]

Now I have to laugh. You think I put us on this conversation. I think you put us onto this conversation. Conversations can be funny like that.

No, I agree I started the conversation. But I was talking about men with SSA who get married to a woman. I wasn’t talking about deceptive men with SSA who get married to a woman.

Sorry for the misunderstanding!