How to like an un-likeable 10 yr old neice?

[jmcrae]

She looks as if she’s trying not to smile–she sort of sucks in her cheeks as she looks at you and then looks away.

I’ve had this look on my face a time or two - have you ever given out the impression (surely by accident, of course!) that no matter what she says or does, regardless if it’s the “right” thing, that she will be dumped all over, pointed at, paraded in front of other children to show them “how not to be,” laughed at, and criticized anyway? (ie: has she ever said “Thank you” in the wrong tone of voice, or said, “Most obliged, Ma’am” in place of “Thank you,” and gotten her head practically ripped off for it?)

Maybe she feels that staying quiet is the best way to stay out of even more trouble, and keep from getting yelled at even more.

 

[PRmerger]

I’ve had this look on my face a time or two - have you ever given out the impression (surely by accident, of course!) that no matter what she says or does, regardless if it’s the “right” thing, that she will be dumped all over, pointed at, paraded in front of other children to show them “how not to be,” laughed at, and criticized anyway? (ie: has she ever said “Thank you” in the wrong tone of voice, or said, “Most obliged, Ma’am” in place of “Thank you,” and gotten her head practically ripped off for it?)

I am not sure how I have given you the impression that I have ever done anything remotely like what you’ve described!

 

[Irish_Becca]

It sounds like you are being charitable! You don’t need to like her, just love her. Lots of kids are raised without any respect for adults. If my kid did something like that to an adult, there would be discipline involved. I also don’t think you need to keep doing favors for someone who isn’t grateful. I think the best thing you can do is pray for her and her family.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

I agree that this is not that serious. She’s not talking back. She’s not lying or cursing. She’s not stealing or being violent. She’s not teasing or taunting.

Definitely workable. As aunts and uncles, I think we have an obligation to try to influence our nieces and nephews for the better and not write them off on such a minor thing.

I know that I will be reprimanded for using the word “minor.”

When I have a problem with one of my nieces and nephews, I either “kid” them out of it or, I just tell them upfront to cut it out. Occasionally, I’ve had to go to parents with complaints.

I think the strident tones that some have express are more related to the general disgust of the breakdown in courtesy in society than this particular instance…

In the big scheme of things, it is minor. In terms of the doors it could slam in her face without her knowing why, it isn’t.

Nevertheless, if her parents were in the least defensive or not interested in the message, I’d stick to being as positive and accepting of her as I could, but while pointedly saying, “You’re welcome” whether or not she said “Thank you” and “Why I’m fine, thank you” when I got an inappropriate response to “How are you?”…and I’d leave it at that. As an aunt, I’d consider myself an adult with some (name removed by moderator)ut on her upbringing, if only a very limited amount. She doesn’t need to be treated like some stranger’s child.

If she found out what my expectations were and didn’t care to even try to meet them, I wouldn’t invite her over very often, if at all. Not being invited to your aunt and uncle’s because you don’t like their rules is an experience that might or might not mature you, but it won’t scar you for life. There is no reason to believe charity demands that the sad circumstances of this girl’s life call for a suspension of her social education.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I am not sure how I have given you the impression that I have ever done anything remotely like what you’ve described!

If anyone in her life at any point in her ten years has given a response like that, it could cause the same reaction with all adults.**

As someone who suffers from severe social anxiety disorder, I urge you to consider that there may be more going on here. Things don’t always manifest themselves in the perfect textbook definition, but are problems just the same.

Malia

 

[kim3260]

Maybe the child is overly shy, from the original post she doesn’t sound “naughty”. As the growup it is YOUR place to show manners to her and maybe someday she will pick it up. She’s your Niece, not your daughter so there is a limit as to what you can do. Unless she tears apart your house, talks back in a fresh manner, let it be. My Niece’s daughter age 8 looks at me like I have two heads (she just turned 8 in Nov.) but I hug and kiss her no matter.

 

[PRmerger]

As someone who suffers from severe social anxiety disorder, I urge you to consider that there may be more going on here. Things don’t always manifest themselves in the perfect textbook definition, but are problems just the same

Forgive my ignorance, and I mean no disrespect…but is it really that difficult to distinguish between a defiant child and a child with a severe social anxiety disorder?

I do believe that I could identify a child with a severe social anxiety disorder. And I don’t believe my niece suffers from this.

Perhaps I am over-estimating my ability, and I admit that I do not know anyone personally who has revealed to me that she/he suffers from such…

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

Forgive my ignorance, and I mean no disrespect…but is it really that difficult to distinguish between a defiant child and a child with a severe social anxiety disorder?

I’m not sure, that’s why I encourage you to keep an open mind.

I do believe that I could identify a child with a severe social anxiety disorder. And I don’t believe my niece suffers from this.

You might be wrong. Nobody except the people I’ve chosen to reveal my disorder to even suspect I have it. Those I do tell are very surprised. As a child, I was mistaken for rude, snobby etc…

Perhaps I am over-estimating my ability, and I admit that I do not know anyone personally who has revealed to me that she/he suffers from such…

I’m not saying that your niece has any sort of psychological disorder, just that it is a possibility.

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** I remember how I felt as a kid, and to some extended family members I may have seemed rude or defiant when I was really just so uncomfortable that I never seemed to be able to do the right thing. I remember an aunt one time yelling at my mom because I failed to say hello when I entered the room.**

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Your niece may have a serious problem OR she may be defiant. What do her parents think?

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Malia

 

[PRmerger]

Feanaro_s_Wife:
We haven’t discussed her behavior with her parents. But their reaction is to shrug, as in: “we can’t *make *her talk, if she doesn’t want to talk!”

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

We haven’t discussed her behavior with her parents. But their reaction is to shrug, as in: “we can’t *make *her talk, if she doesn’t want to talk!”

I’d be interested to know their feelings on this. Maybe their shrug is saying “we don’t know what is wrong and we are embarrased by her behavior”?

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** Maybe having a dialogue with someone like you who can offer a different perspective will help them figure out how to handle the situation.**

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** Ask them if they feel she is being defiant…they know her best. If that is the case, then follow the excellent advice you’ve received here already and “enforce” politeness and manners while in your home.**

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Malia

 

[BLB_Oregon]

We haven’t discussed her behavior with her parents. But their reaction is to shrug, as in: “we can’t *make *her talk, if she doesn’t want to talk!”

You might try discussion with them about a discussion with her. There may be a very good explanation…but it is an explanation that they owe you for letting their daughter treat you like that.

If our kids did that to one of our in-laws, we would pull them aside and remind them what is expected and remind them of the effect they might be having on their older relatives and the consequences of being so unfeeling towards hosts…meaning, if you can’t even be polite to the relatives, who have known and loved you since birth, we will be taking you home and you will not be doing any visiting at anyone’s house until you exhibit better behavior. We are not going to let you run over other people’s feelings without explanation or apology.

You can’t make a child talk, but you can make polite behavior a non-negotiable price for being allowed to socialize in other people’s homes.

This doesn’t have to be an angry punishment. It can be, “You know, if you’re not able to socialize politely, you need to have the self-knowledge and self-control to stay away from society until you can behave kindly towards all others that you are likely to meet.”

 

[PRmerger]

You can’t make a child talk, but you can make polite behavior a non-negotiable price for being allowed to socialize in other people’s homes.

Exactly! The moment she treated her grandmother (who was treating the family out to a birthday dinner, no less!) with disrespect by not speaking the entire dinner, (see post #6) I would have put the child in black out, without any privileges until she was forced to speak, whether she liked it or not!

She’s not my child, however.

And our relations with her parents are not close. I fear that emotions will explode should this subject be brought up.

And then there is the voice in the back of my head, raised by other posters, that perhaps this is indeed out of the child’s control. There is a very small chance that she does in fact suffer from a severe social anxiety. THEN, I’d feel awful about making her speak when she fears it so!