It’s very difficult, and not something I would advise anyone to do.
However, I just can’t help myself.
It separates me from God. It has stopped me from going to weekly Confession. I can’t in good conscious continue to take confession for granted, and say I intend to sin no more when I know I can’t control myself, and I won’t be able to fulfill my promise, nor will I even try. I actively seek the sinful behavior, and I have a proven disconnect between what my soul wants and what my body desires.
…
We are all sinners, but I feel my issue is beyond that line. I’m a defeated man. I don’t seek God like I used to because of this. I don’t pray every night. I don’t pray to Mary as often.
However, when I do pray, I beg that even though I knowingly and maliciously sin, that He may remember me, just as Barrabus did next to Jesus on the cross. I need to go to Confession, but like I said, how do I make a promise I know I cannot keep?
…
I’m a slave to sin, it’s a viscious cycle. Being sinful harms my relationship with God, and my disconnected relationship with God allows me to more easily sin.
You have taken responsibility for your actions, now you must make a choice to turn away from them. You are going to have to get back in a state of grace as soon as possible if you even hope to make progress. If you are true in what you say above, that you don’t intend to stop sinning, then you have been taking confession for granted and have been invalidating your confessions. You must have the intent to not commit the sins if you really hope to have sufficient contrition/attrition to receive the Sacrament validly.
Now, it isn’t necessary to ‘know’ that you won’t commit the sin again - something which is impossible. It isn’t a problem to realize that you are weak and could fall again. But, you must have the firm resolution to
never commit the (mortal) sins again. To assume that God will heed your prayer to forgive you though you do not repent is mere presumption on His mercy and a grievous sin itself. There will be no forgiveness without repentance - for God to forgive as such would not be mercy, but rather a want of justice (and God is both perfect in His justice and in His mercy). So, therefore, repent that you may be saved.
You are going to have to build up your will. You should start praying the Rosary every day, if possible, (as if your life, nay your soul, depended on it) begging our Lady to intercede for you for the graces to repent and persevere. You should probably sit down with a faithful priest and discuss your issues with him, get his advice and insight on how to get back on track (he will be able to advise you in your specific circumstances). You are going to have to avoid, as you are able, the occasions of sin (especially the near occasions of sin, which you are obligated under pain of mortal sin to avoid if possible) You should start doing some small penances and mortifications; spend a short time under the cold water when you shower, pray the Rosary with your arms outstretched (in the form of a cross), deny yourself small lawful pleasures, fast - though being careful not to damage your health. These things fortify your will on a natural level because you must deny your natural inclination (to avoid pain and seek pleasure) to do them and if done in a spirit of contrition and penance is very pleasing to God.
God loves you, as He loves us all, and He desires our salvation more than we ourselves do. So make no mistake that the grace is there to conquer sin. Our Lord suffered at the hands of sinners out of love for us; He bore the agony in the garden, to the point of sweating blood, He was scourged, crowned with thorns, beaten, spit upon, mocked, forced to carry His own cross, then crucified. I would exhort you not to turn away from Christ, who died for you, nor to grow despondent, but rather to turn to Him in faith and submit yourself to His will. It is only in Him that we find true happiness, not in the pleasure of vice which lasts for such a short time. What is this when facing an eternity of Hell? Moreover, what is this when compared to the Vision of God which only those who love God shall see? Indeed, from my experience, vice is often repugnant even while it is giving you pleasure. You would do well to meditate on this; all the riches and pleasures in the world are as nothing when compared to eternity.
You
will it… In the end, you must make a choice; to serve God or to serve your base passions, as if you were a mere brute beast. One will lead to Heaven if we persevere in a state of Grace while the other will most certainly lead to Hell if you persevere in impenitence until the end. You must not be divided in this, and you must do everything in your power to build up your will to resist temptation when it comes. Most importantly, you must pray for the grace to persevere, because without grace we can do
nothing.
“Return into your heart, O sinners and cleave to Him who has made you. Stand with Him, and you shall stand firmly; be at rest in Him, and you shall be rested. Where are you going into the rough places? Where are you going? The good which you love is from Him. But, it is only in relation to Him that it is good and sweet. It will be bitter, and justly so, for whatever is from Him is not loved justly, if one abandons Him. What is your goal in walking on and on, through difficult and toilsome ways? There is no rest where you are seeking it. Seek what you are seeking, but it is not where you are seeking. You are seeking the happy life in the area of death; it is not there. For, how could a happy life be found where there is not even life at all?” - St. Augustine, Confessions Book IV Chapter XII
