How to react when people cat-call your wife in public

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WannabeSaint

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I have a question, with the main demographic being devout Catholic husbands. If you are in a public space and someone cat-calls your wife and makes an innuendo at her…What is the proper response to that?

Also, at what point are we permitted to get violent if need be with someone if they become more aggressive with their come-ons?

I’m afraid to go to bars and stuff with my wife because she does tend to get cat-called alot in public, and I just try to avoid an awkward situation.
 
I would shake my fist at them and say “hey buddy, that’s my wife!”

Men hate being called “buddy”
 
WannabeSaint said:
If you are in a public space and someone cat-calls your wife and makes an innuendo at her…What is the proper response to that?
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Ignore them and walk away.
WannabeSaint said:
Also, at what point are we permitted to get violent if need be with someone if they become more aggressive with their come-ons?
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At no point.

If you are threatened leave, alert the proprietor, or call the authorities.
WannabeSaint said:
I’m afraid to go to bars and stuff with my wife because she does tend to get cat-called alot in public, and I just try to avoid an awkward situation.
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Well, going to bars isn’t the best past time, but I have to say I have rarely seen a woman who is with a man get “cat called”.

Ask your wife how she feels about it. And if it happens to her frequently she likely already has a strategy.
 
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WannabeSaint said:
Also, at what point are we permitted to get violent if need be with someone if they become more aggressive with their come-ons?

I’m afraid to go to bars and stuff with my wife because she does tend to get cat-called alot in public, and I just try to avoid an awkward situation.
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Violence in defense of your wife is certainly permissible and in some cases morally obligatory, but it’s a last resort. But yeah, if some guy slaps your wife’s butt and you punch him, I don’t think anyone is going to fault you.

Your first course of action should be to avoid seedy bars and restaurants. I don’t know where you’re going, but when I go out I virtually never see men catcalling women. Go out to establishments that cater to a more mature crowd, not drunk 22 year olds.
 
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RolandThompsonGunner said:
but when I go out I virtually never see men catcalling women.
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Exactly. Where on earth is this happening? Because even when I did frequent bars and dance clubs, women with a man did not get cat calls, and really I don’t recall any single women getting them either.
 
1ke said:
Exactly. Where on earth is this happening?
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I’m sure it goes on a lot at college bars or places that cater to that age range. Now that I’m in my mid-30s, if my wife and I go out for a date, we generally pick a calmer venue.

A drunken idiot obnoxiously hitting on any woman that walks by is going to get asked to leave pretty fast at a respectable place.
 
Only one time have I ever been “cat called” when I was with my husband was at a street festival many, many years ago (and I wasn’t even sure it was directed at me; I did not turn to look) and what I did was slip my arm around my husband’s waist and snuggle up to him. All he did was put his arm around my shoulders and we kept walking.
 
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WannabeSaint said:
I’m afraid to go to bars and stuff with my wife because
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You and she should talk about this and find a mutually agreeable solution. I imagine that the best solution would be to go elsewhere where you both can have a good time. You shouldn’t have to go to a place that induces fear.

Does she go to the bar for the music and dancing? You can probably find music and dancing without the heavy-drinking crowd. (My wife and I met at a weekly contra dance – think square dance but less formal, with live music, a bunch of regulars, and usually a few newcomers.)

Does she see old friends there? Meet up with them somewhere else.

Your wife might have some better ideas. My wife is always full of ideas for dates and outings that I never would have thought of.
 
WannabeSaint said:
I’m afraid to go to bars and stuff with my wife because she does tend to get cat-called alot in public, and I just try to avoid an awkward situation.
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Is your wife offended by it? Does it make you feel insecure? I’m an older married woman and don’t get cat-called but I do see it happen. I regard them as a sub par type of male. Like dumb animals at a zoo. That probably sounds harsh but because the men in my life don’t act like that, I know what a decent male is. Throw them a few nuts when they do it.
 
Going back to sometime in the prior millennium when I was a young man, I’m sure that my ego was offended more than the woman’s sensibilities. I knew that if I was 6’4" and 250 lbs, it wouldn’t happen. I was more offended than she was.

Put your ego aside and as previously recommended, let it go.
 
Why would violence be an option? It’s a cat call. It rude. It’s annoying. It is shameful. It isn’t worth getting violent over. Congrats on having an attractive wife, I’m sorry where you like to hang out is overrun with ignorant fools. Perhaps there are better places to go.
 
This has never happened to me, not with my wife or with any of the also-gorgeous girls I dated prior to marriage. I imagine I might feel flattered that they think her beautiful. I suspect she would laugh at the losers in our midst. In either of those cases or the many other possible scenarios we’d most likely ignore them and carry on with whatever we were doing. It’s been decades since we went together to any place where that was likely to happen. And I look like the type of guy most other guys would not want to mess with so we have an advantage to begin with. 🙂
 
I think the best advice was from @bluerose.
Have your wife snuggle up to you, put your arm around her and ignore the bimbo. It’s certainly not worth a fight to get the point across that she’s not available!
 
…it happens in the country too, miles from bars, right by farms and the post office. I will say it’s more terrifying when close to home.
 
Honestly, I would prefer for the guy I’m with to just empathise with me instead of getting violent, and stay close to me throughout the night. Rolling your eyes and just sharing your wife’s frustration may be all you need.
 
There are two problems here. One, the woman may feel insulted. Two, the man will feel aggrieved. It’s a guy thing. The reptillian part of the brain lights up (mainly the amygdala) and you get a shot of adrenalin, you’ll straighten up, your muscles will tighten slightly - it’s all animal instinct: ‘I will fight you if I have to’. But your frontal lobe is telling you ‘Ease up, buddy - it’s not a real threat’.

Unfortunately, you have to satisfy both parts of the brain. Listen to the amygdala and things could get messy very quickly. Listen to the frontal lobe and you may spend the rest of the evening frustrated and perhaps doubting your own manhood.

Best bet? I think a long steady stare implying ‘Yeah, I know she’s hot. But she’s with me and that’s the last time you do that’.

Make sure she sees that. You’re then her Knight In Shining Armour defending her honour. And the other guy gets the message (and 9 times out of 10 will respect it) without security needed to be called.

Edit: If you want to know why we react as we do in various situations such as this I would strongly recommend ‘Behave - The Biology of Humans at Our Best and Worst’ by Robert Sapolsky. A long read but very accessible. And you’ll spend every day thinking ‘Ah, thats why we do that…’
 
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Lobster_Johnson said:
I would shake my fist at them and say “hey buddy, that’s my wife!”
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Lol. That sounds like somthing Richie Cunningham would have done on “Happy days” “Hey, that’s my wife, buckko!”

Never heard anyone cat call my wife but seen guys staring at her pretty hard. Just gotta resist the urge to do anything in my opinion. You can only get violent in self defense. I know my wife would get mad at me if I tried anything other then ignoring such a minor annoyance. Yes, it sucks because typically I’m sure I would want to deck the guy lol.
 
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