How to respond to the “sexual compatibility” argument

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I don’t lnow if anybody’s brought up this issue, but…

What if the two people have sex and then wind up disagreeing on how good it was? The one partner thinks it was lovely and is now super-bonded to the other person, who meanwhile is thinking the experience was no better than “meh” and nothing special.

Who casts the deciding vote in that case if they’re compatible or not?

Not to mention that somebody is in for a boatload of pain…
 
Le_Crouton said:
Whenever the topic of premarital sex comes up I hear the argument about sexual compatibility. Quite honestly the argument makes sense.
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I’ve certainly heard this argument before.
Le_Crouton said:
How do I convince others and myself otherwise
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How about this counter argument…Be careful…It is often NOT the man who is holding the auditions to see who is marriage material.

Just saying…
 
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Le_Crouton said:
Really cause I hear it all the time
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I used to hear it when I was an early adult from people advising me to “live with someone” before you marry them, to confirm that you are “sexually compatible”. I haven’t heard it for a long time, just because people don’t offer me marital advice anymore but it wouldn’t surprise me that it’s still around.

All the people who gave me that advice when I was young were sexually active themselves and in relationships/marriages which exuded youthful sexuality. They’re also all divorced.
 
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NeedANap said:
I have also heard people argue that specific likes/dislikes/habits could be incompatible, but if both are virgins, and are not accustomed to porn/masturbating, I don’t really see how that could be an issue, since there should be no preferences.
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Two single young adults who are virgins and have no issues with porn/masturbation probably describes a vanishingly small percentage of people. Sure, that’s the ideal, but even if young people have avoided having sex, it’s highly probable that they’ve struggled with watching porn/masturbating.

It’s just very unlikely that you have people of marrying age who have zero specific interests or attitudes about sex, and are completely clueless about the whole thing. Human nature being what it is, they’ve almost certainly thought about/fantasized about some stuff, etc.

Again, what you’re describing is the ideal, and it works in theory. I’m just not sure it works in practice for the majority of people.
 
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exactly not even a micropenis but size and weight/body type in general can be an issue. You spend all this time courting then you realize after marriage you 2 aren’t compatible?
 
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If a married couple has a long and healthy relationship, then they will have the best sex of their lives with eachother, and also the worst sex of their lives with eachother. This is true regardless of how many partners they had beforehand.

I don’t think that it’s healthy to minimize sexual compatibility, and when people say “sex isn’t everything in marriage” I feel that this misses the crucial fact that, even though sex isn’t everything, it is extremely important. Even the smallest part of an engine can cause the entire car to break down if it isn’t properly maintained, and sex is hardly the smallest part of a marriage. Anyone who has suffered through a relationship in which there was real sexual incompatibility can attest to the fact that it can poison every part of the marriage and cause a lot of suffering.

That said, I don’t think exploring sex before marriage is necessary in order to develop compatibility, and people will pass through many phases in their life when they have different sexual needs, impulses, and drives. The key is to be open to exploring this aspect of the relationship, and commit to working through the details as the marriage develops. If something isn’t working, then discuss it and find a way to fix it together; this is much easier to do in a committed, loving relationship than it is in a looser pre-marital one anyway.

Sexual compatibility is absolutely important, and I would personally put it as one of the key elements of a healthy marriage. I just emphasize that sexual compatibility is best explored and developed within the bond of marriage, where two people can trust eachother and expose their vulnerabilities without fear of total rejection, and in the knowledge that the person they are with will support them and work with them to develop and grow in a more and more fulfilling relationship.

Peace and God bless!
 
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Le_Crouton said:
Dating is like an audition in many ways already
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Auditions are usually meant for performances. Dating is bound to be a failure if someone is not being themself, but acting out a part. So perhaps one should not view dating as auditioning but rather as just getting to know someone else.
 
That a couple is going to be very sexually compatible and be able to have a sex life at the desired pace without much difficulty even after children come along is going to be fairly rare. Differences almost always arise. While discussions can help to clarify sexual attitudes, libidos and expectations before the couple decide to get engaged, it’s impossible to know everything in advance. Hence the degree to which each party is willing to die to self for the other is more critical as is the ability to vet for that before marriage. Don’t have that, it’s going to be difficult to bridge the differences between a high libido partner and a low one.
 
Yes, but nudity is not a requirement for auditions in legitimate theater.
 
humbleseeker said:
Have you ever meet a couple who had premarital sex who broke up strictly for being sexually incompatible?
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Yes. I have.
ETA: I’m not saying that I have broken up with someone for that reason. I’m saying I’ve heard of it.

Just so we’re clear.
 
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I believe sexual compatability in a marriage is certainly important. However, I believe people who have pre-marital sex aren’t necessarily trying to figure out how compatible they are just with sex. I think they are trying to find out how compatible they are with reqards to physical intimacy. I can relate. I dated this guy once who could have been marrige material. There is no nice way to put this, though. He stunk, below the equator. It wasn’t a hygiene issue or anything like that. It was just how he smelled. There wasn’t a thing he could do about it. But I couldn’t take it. It killed the relationship. And thank goodness I didn’t marry him and then figure out that wasn’t going to work. Someone else may have found his essence wonderful. To me, it reminded me of rancid food.

Anyhow, I do see the argument for it. I understand most here don’t buy it. But please don’t think it is all about the sexual experience. I think there is a practical side to it, as well.
 
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There is a radical difference between human love, and divine charity. I was trying to express this difference in my awkward, probably misleading phrase “lust with emotional pleasures” - because lust is present even in the most platonic romantic loves, in human beings suffering from concupiscence.

A faithful Catholic married couple can - can - can decrease in focus on the temporal and the passing, in their covenant of love, and (with His grace) grow in holy, eternal, divine charity. In such a holy union, it is only their mutual compatibility with God and His saints, that is important. All else pales in comparison.

Divine charity is far superior to the most ideal human love, being eternal and in fact divine. Divine charity does not include “sexual compatibility” as an essential component - or even as any component at all. Divine charity is a gift of God, a gift of a share in HIs own love and way of loving, given in sanctifying grace at Baptism but often remaining dormant for years or decades. As Jesus reminded us,
Mat 22:30 For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels in heaven.
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Rare is the wedding that does not include, or want to include, Paul’s writings in 1 Cor 13. But he is describing not marital, conjugal love (and certainly not lust), but rather divine, infused, supernatural charity. And as Paul included in this passage, a person who lacks holy charity has nothing, is nothing.
 
Le_Crouton said:
What about someone who has a micropenis or a woman who has vaginismus
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That was what I was alluding to earlier, there was a case where a woman only found this out on their wedding night.

I would sure hope the man I am about to marry would disclose this, as I would with whatever conditions I have. If not, it would seem almost deceptive to not mention it.
 
With the first one you could simply not consummate it and get an annulment.
 
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