How to tell parents that my brother is gay

[EasterJoy]

My use of “butt hurt” was not flippant or a bad metaphor choice, it was used in a correct context, for the Catholics I am referring to are overreacting by taking personal offense to the OP words which are not directed toward them. The OPs words are towards Catholicism in general. I guess people just feel so passionate about there faith, they feel the need to take personal offense to anything negative anyone says about it.

Also, there is a difference between loving someone and respecting there beliefs and having an opinion about that particular belief system. It is out of respect that one does do not verbally talk against someone’s religion to that person but that does not mean that person has to agree with that religions teachings.

If it wasn’t flippant, it was really out of place. (Hint: You don’t get to issue corrections to the feedback when your audience tells you your metaphor choice was not right for them. Clarifications, yes. Correction of their perceptions, no.)

Sorry, but this is the internet. You are not in a setting, such as among friends with whom you talk all the time, where you can assume that your meaning will be universally understood by your audience.

In that context, slang like “butt hurt” is the kind of ammunition best saved for salvos aimed at oneself.

 

[1990Domer]

The fact remains, a family dinner is not scandal. Subsequent acts pursued by some may be calumny or mis-representation. There is no information to hand that suggests that is a concern and it’s clearly not on the mind of the patents yet.

True…

 

[1990Domer]

The over-arching feeling I am getting is narcissism on the part of the OP and perhaps siblings, but they have not posted here. In general, the bothers me because I just see our overall society trending that way.

 

[ArielRussu]

If it wasn’t flippant, it was really out of place. (Hint: You don’t get to issue corrections to the feedback when your audience tells you your metaphor choice was not right for them. Clarifications, yes. Correction of their perceptions, no.)

Sorry, but this is the internet. You are not in a setting, such as among friends with whom you talk all the time, where you can assume that your meaning will be universally understood by your audience.

In that context, slang like “butt hurt” is the kind of ammunition best saved for salvos aimed at oneself.

That’s why I provided a definition and explanation too help others understand my words, if others did not get the message I was sending, that’s on them. Not me. Also, this IS the Internet and I can clarify my words and defend the context I use them in if I so wish, which my words were not out of place for as I stated above the Catholics who are taking the OPs words personally are being oversensitive and choosing to overreact, as they feel the need to take a comment, NOT directed at them personally but is rather an overall general statement, to heart.
Thus, my earlier definition: to be overly annoyed, bothered or bugged because of a perceived insult; needlessly offended.

 

[SGTTOM]

Bringing this up on Thanksgiving day at a party sounds like a really bad idea. Suggest your brother talk to them in private about this issue.

I would also be surprised if your parents didn’t already know. A lot of parents know but never bring it up for various reasons. I’ve experienced this firsthand with a friend.

 

[EasterJoy]

Bringing this up on Thanksgiving day at a party sounds like a really bad idea. Suggest your brother talk to them in private about this issue.

I would also be surprised if your parents didn’t already know. A lot of parents know but never bring it up for various reasons. I’ve experienced this firsthand with a friend.

How are they supposed to bring it up? “Gee, Mike, you and your friend there look like you’re getting along pretty well. Are you homosexuals, by any chance?” If someone doesn’t want to come out to you, you don’t force the issue. Even if they are as “out” as a mountain, it is their decision to talk about their sexuality or not, regardless of their orientation. Sure, parents sometimes talk about their children’s reproductive choices and the like as if it is their business to be in on the decision-making phase of producing grandchildren, but that is very rude.

 

[Allegra]

How are they supposed to bring it up? “Gee, Mike, you and your friend there look like you’re getting along pretty well. Are you homosexuals, by any chance?” If someone doesn’t want to come out to you, you don’t force the issue. Even if they are as “out” as a mountain, it is their decision to talk about their sexuality or not, regardless of their orientation. Sure, parents sometimes talk about their children’s reproductive choices and the like as if it is their business to be in on the decision-making phase of producing grandchildren, but that is very rude.

As silly as it sounds, keep in mind that some folks have suggested a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy indefinitely, even though the OPs brother is seeing someone exclusively. I agree that there’s probably not a tactful way of saying it, but eventually even the most tactfully reserved parent is going to have to eventually say, “Hey son, I notice that you and your roommate of 15 years do a lot of kissing in your facebook photographs and earlier I overheard your adopted son call him “dad”. Is there something we should know?”

 

[Irishmom2]

I think that a parent that suspects a son is gay may even ask at some point “how come you never bring any of your girlfriends home to meet us?” as a way of opening the door for a conversation. Unless the parents live on the other side of the country, I think they might have an idea of their son’s preference. So I agree with Allegra that some families operate on a “don’t ask don’t tell,” or a need to know basis.

 

[EasterJoy]

As silly as it sounds, keep in mind that some folks have suggested a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy indefinitely, even though the OPs brother is seeing someone exclusively. I agree that there’s probably not a tactful way of saying it, but eventually even the most tactfully reserved parent is going to have to eventually say, “Hey son, I notice that you and your roommate of 15 years do a lot of kissing in your facebook photographs and earlier I overheard your adopted son call him “dad”. Is there something we should know?”

“Don’t ask don’t tell” falls under the brother’s right to privacy. No one else has the right to require us to keep our private lives a secret.

I do not mean that we have some right to go to weddings and brag about how we cheat on our taxes or that we cannot tell our family members “hey, your call and not mine, but TMI unless you are asking for my opinion” without giving them a right to feel hurt or “unsupported.” I mean that we have the right to decide for ourselves where the line is between discretion and privacy on one hand and hypocrisy on the other.

I’m not simply talking about things that violate moral law as the Catholic Church teaches it, either. I remember a friend talking with great amusement about her mother and aunts, all mothers of many children, who rather than avoiding the topic of sex talked as if no one decent ever did that kind of thing. It is your choice to avoid the topic of your private life, but you do have to avoid hypocrisy about it when the subject comes up in the general sense and respect that even your family may not want to hear about your private life unless you’re asking for them to give an opinion you may not want to hear.

 

[Demetra2]

I will say this again. Your brother needs to man up and tell them himself. It is not fair to all gang up on your parents and try the right by might method of persuasion. You can support your brother all you want when you are at his house, or yours, or not with your parents, but this isn’t your battle to fight. It your brothers responsibility to break the news without his backup crew, and not by ambushing your parents during a holiday.

I quite agree with you IrishMom. The Gay so in question needs to gently inform his parents asap. He may be underestimating them. They probably already suspect his inclination.

 

[Rau]

“Don’t ask don’t tell” falls under the brother’s right to privacy. No one else has the right to require us to keep our private lives a secret.

Whether “don’t ask, don’t tell” binds parents concerned about their son’s welfare is debatable. And if the son’s behaviour in front of others declared his situation, then he can not really object to parental enquiry.

 

[EasterJoy]

Whether “don’t ask, don’t tell” binds parents concerned about their son’s welfare is debatable. And if the son’s behaviour in front of others declared his situation, then he can not really object to parental enquiry.

I’m sorry: I am not saying that parents who raise the question are bad parents. There are ways for parents to inquire into the subject without being rude. For instance, a parent who had expressed a desire for her son to meet a nice girl might know he would have a hard time breaking the news that his attraction to men is too deep-seated for him to consider marriage, and might broach the subject by saying she realizes he might not find what she had imagined he would when he was younger. I’m only saying that parents who know or who feel certain they know might refrain from asking and wait for their son to be ready to tell them.

It is all a guessing game in families, what to tell each other about ourselves and what to keep private, when to ask and when to wait to be told. There aren’t any hard-and-fast rules, except that perhaps parents are being expected to hold back more than typical parents would have expected themselves to do in the past.

 

[BioNerd]

Hello again!

So a whole bunch of y’all got hung up on the “don’t give a hoot” phrase and I’ll just go ahead and explain it a bit. We’re from Texas and generally when people say that it just means we don’t express any interest in it. Like “I don’t give a hoot about Aggie football”. In this case it means we don’t take importance, show interest, or abide by Catholic rules and ideologies. I threw it in there to avoid any “as a Catholic YOU should not be approving his behavior” type responses. If people took it personally and were offended, I apologize for any hurt feeling because that definitely wasn’t my intention. We clearly care to some extent of their beliefs otherwise we’d just lay it out for them to take it or leave it.

Just a small update… The Gay (as someone put it LOLOLOL) talked to a priest from a ‘Charismatic Catholic Community’ (I’m hoping this means the same as parish) and he was actually pretty awesome. Very nice and very accepting, we certainly didn’t expect it to go that way. He is not from my parents church but my brother said he actually wouldn’t mind having him there when he breaks the news, which of course my sis and I won’t be there so mom and dad won’t feel ambushed. This isn’t the first time they’ve had to deal with “tragedy” because my sister and I both live with our boyfriends. Their last hope was sort of on my brother but, that’s life. Again, we’re not looking for approval or acceptance. They’re Catholic. If anything we’ll be happy if they don’t break down in sobs. But we are aware this is gonna be a lot for them to take in and we just want to make it as loving as possible. He’s gonna see about talking with the priest from our parents parish and hopefully that goes smoothly as well.

Thank y’all to anyone that gave sincere advise and wished us well.

 

[Thorolfr]

Depending upon the pastoral gifts that the priest possesses, he may be able to offer the concrete suggestions to you that you are seeking on the one hand and also be available to help your parents process these realities and companion them as they process it on the other – and even know of a good counselor he could suggest.

**I always counsel, on both sides of these situations, that the familial bond should in all cases be preserved. There are cases, of course, where it is tragically not possible at all, notably in issues involving some form of terrible abuse. Issues such as are being discussed here are not of that nature, thankfully, and should not be thought of as such. A way ahead should be sought and found.

A wholesale rejection of family members is always a tragedy, whatever side of the argument they are upon.**

I can well imagine that the presence of you and others is a tremendous source of support and encouragement for your brother and I can also well imagine that, when he talks about this with his parents, who are your parents, too, he would wish to do so in the context of the entire family. As the one purveying news, that is his prerogative, after all.

It is evident in what you post that the children feel more affirmed by your relationships with each other than you do by your respective relationships to your parents and that the relationships of each of you to them is already a strained one. I am sure they must perceive that reality as well – and will understand it even more with the conveying of this news, if both of your brother’s sisters are sitting beside him.

I assure you and your family…all of your family…of my prayers.

Thank you, Father, for your very kind and compassionate responses in this thread (and in many other threads here in CAF as well). As a gay man, I’ve had to deal with coming out to my parents and other family members many times in my life. I know how difficult it can be for everyone involved. I also know that if care is not taken on both sides, lasting wounds can be inflicted and words can be said that it is difficult to undo and unsay. My parents have always continued to love me unconditionally, but I have had strained relations with some other disapproving family members so that I have not been to a family gathering such as Thanksgiving for at least twenty years.

My partner of 18 years who is the son of a conservative Missouri Synod Lutheran pastor has been estranged from his father for at least 30 years and I have seen how painful this is both for my partner and his father. I believe that my partner’s elderly father will die without any reconciliation between them. Other members of his family have explicitly said that I am not welcome to attend family gatherings with him and he, as a result, has not attended by himself. I pray, as you have said, that familial bonds can be preserved despite disagreements on issues such as homosexuality and that a way ahead can be sought and found. Otherwise the wounds can be long lasting and painful for everyone involved. Hopefully there will be love and compassion on both sides of this issue and I wish the OP and her family well.

 

[TheLastUnicorn]

Hello again!

So a whole bunch of y’all got hung up on the “don’t give a hoot” phrase and I’ll just go ahead and explain it a bit. We’re from Texas and generally when people say that it just means we don’t express any interest in it. Like “I don’t give a hoot about Aggie football”. In this case it means we don’t take importance, show interest, or abide by Catholic rules and ideologies. I threw it in there to avoid any “as a Catholic YOU should not be approving his behavior” type responses. If people took it personally and were offended, I apologize for any hurt feeling because that definitely wasn’t my intention. We clearly care to some extent of their beliefs otherwise we’d just lay it out for them to take it or leave it.

Just a small update… The Gay (as someone put it LOLOLOL) talked to a priest from a ‘Charismatic Catholic Community’ (I’m hoping this means the same as parish) and he was actually pretty awesome. Very nice and very accepting, we certainly didn’t expect it to go that way. He is not from my parents church but my brother said he actually wouldn’t mind having him there when he breaks the news, which of course my sis and I won’t be there so mom and dad won’t feel ambushed. This isn’t the first time they’ve had to deal with “tragedy” because my sister and I both live with our boyfriends. Their last hope was sort of on my brother but, that’s life. Again, we’re not looking for approval or acceptance. They’re Catholic. If anything we’ll be happy if they don’t break down in sobs. But we are aware this is gonna be a lot for them to take in and we just want to make it as loving as possible. He’s gonna see about talking with the priest from our parents parish and hopefully that goes smoothly as well.

Thank y’all to anyone that gave sincere advise and wished us well.

I hope it turns out for the best!

 

[Don_Ruggero]

Thank you, Father, for your very kind and compassionate responses in this thread (and in many other threads here in CAF as well). As a gay man, I’ve had to deal with coming out to my parents and other family members many times in my life. I know how difficult it can be for everyone involved. I also know that if care is not taken on both sides, lasting wounds can be inflicted and words can be said that it is difficult to undo and unsay. My parents have always continued to love me unconditionally, but I have had strained relations with some other disapproving family members so that I have not been to a family gathering such as Thanksgiving for at least twenty years.

My partner of 18 years who is the son of a conservative Missouri Synod Lutheran pastor has been estranged from his father for at least 30 years and I have seen how painful this is both for my partner and his father. I believe that my partner’s elderly father will die without any reconciliation between them. Other members of his family have explicitly said that I am not welcome to attend family gatherings with him and he, as a result, has not attended by himself. I pray, as you have said, that familial bonds can be preserved despite disagreements on issues such as homosexuality and that a way ahead can be sought and found. Otherwise the wounds can be long lasting and painful for everyone involved. Hopefully there will be love and compassion on both sides of this issue and I wish the OP and her family well.

I assure you of my prayers – for you and for all who have been touched by these events. I am very sorry.

 

[Nanny_PK]

Hello again!

means we don’t express any interest in it. Like “I don’t give a hoot about Aggie football”.

Now this part is just wrong

 

[BioNerd]

Now this part is just wrong

Hook Em’ #KeepAustinWeird

 

[EasterJoy]

Hook Em’ #KeepAustinWeird

Based on Portland, OR, I’d say that very few of the places that want to stay weird have a thing to worry about in that department.

 

[oneofmany]

Hello again!

So a whole bunch of y’all got hung up on the “don’t give a hoot” phrase and I’ll just go ahead and explain it a bit. We’re from Texas and generally when people say that it just means we don’t express any interest in it. Like “I don’t give a hoot about Aggie football”. In this case it means we don’t take importance, show interest, or abide by Catholic rules and ideologies. I threw it in there to avoid any “as a Catholic YOU should not be approving his behavior” type responses. If people took it personally and were offended, I apologize for any hurt feeling because that definitely wasn’t my intention. We clearly care to some extent of their beliefs otherwise we’d just lay it out for them to take it or leave it.

Just a small update… The Gay (as someone put it LOLOLOL) talked to a priest from a ‘Charismatic Catholic Community’ (I’m hoping this means the same as parish) and he was actually pretty awesome. Very nice and very accepting, we certainly didn’t expect it to go that way. He is not from my parents church but my brother said he actually wouldn’t mind having him there when he breaks the news, which of course my sis and I won’t be there so mom and dad won’t feel ambushed. This isn’t the first time they’ve had to deal with “tragedy” because my sister and I both live with our boyfriends. Their last hope was sort of on my brother but, that’s life. Again, we’re not looking for approval or acceptance. They’re Catholic. If anything we’ll be happy if they don’t break down in sobs. But we are aware this is gonna be a lot for them to take in and we just want to make it as loving as possible. He’s gonna see about talking with the priest from our parents parish and hopefully that goes smoothly as well.

Thank y’all to anyone that gave sincere advise and wished us well.

I think most of us knew your comment about not giving a hoot meant you had no interest in the Catholic Church anymore. Clearly, you don’t follow the rules or ideologies from how you are living.

That being said I really feel for your parents and right now I want to put my arms around them and tell them how sorry I am for what they may be feeling. We can’t guarantee how our children will turn out but we hope what we teach them will be close to what we think about life and faith and not to reject it all. Maybe as you get older you will understand. I know I did when I got older.

Your brother may not be able to change his sexual attractions but you certainly can get married. Just living together is not a good idea and that isn’t just from the Chruch’s point of view. Especially if you have children.

So you have spoken to a Charismatic priest and he is awesome, well my friends’ son talked with a nun and she was awesome as well telling him he had to be authentic to himself, in other words, do what makes you happy, instead of remain true to what Jesus taught.

Anyway, I wish you well with how this turns out for you. By the way, did you take the time to look up the web site I told you about? If not here is the web address couragerc.org/ It really helped my friends when their son came out. I hope it can be helpful for your parents.