How to tell parents that my brother is gay

[Rau]

So if I understand this correctly, if you were staying with Muslim relatives, you would attend mosque services with them.

The context is one’s parents and the family home where the young person still lives and the religion is that of the young person’s upbringing.

 

[jmcrae]

Oh yes, for an hour a week a son, while living with parents, chooses to attend mass out of consideration for his parents. So let’s condemn him for “living a lie”. And if he chooses to have dinner with his parents on a Sunday, even though he doesn’t greatly enjoy their company, or their food, that’s “living a lie” too. I keep forgetting, “it’s all about me”! Any subordination of my rights and wants to another is “living a lie”.

Any support of their faith, their work, their goals, or their sense of common decency would be “hypocrisy” doncha know?

But God help *them *if they don’t support and celebrate every weird passing fad of mine, or any bizarre sexual lifestyle I want to get into. For that, we cut off all communications and act like they just condemned the innocent children to torment and death, instead of merely voicing a concerned and loving pause for thought.

 

[Thorolfr]

The context is one’s parents and the family home where the young person still lives and the religion is that of the young person’s upbringing.

But you didn’t really respond to BlueEyedLadys example. So to expand on that example, if someone was raised Muslim and has Muslim parents and are living at home with their parents but that child is now Catholic, should they attend the mosque on Fridays with their Muslim parents out of love and respect for their them? And don’t forget that there is no easy way, especially for a man, to attend a mosque as a non-participating bystander. When it comes time for the ritual prayer, all the men line up in rows, shoulder to shoulder, and pray together behind the imam or prayer leader.

Or what if someone was raised Catholic but their parents are now atheists? Should they stay home from Mass with their parents every Sunday out of love and respect for them?

 

[jmcrae]

But you didn’t really respond to BlueEyedLadys example. So to expand on that example, if someone was raised Muslim and has Muslim parents and are living at home with their parents but that child is now Catholic, should they attend the mosque on Fridays with their Muslim parents out of love and respect for their them? And don’t forget that there is no easy way, especially for a man, to attend a mosque as a non-participating bystander. When it comes time for the ritual prayer, all the men line up in rows, shoulder to shoulder, and pray together behind the imam or prayer leader.

Or what if someone was raised Catholic but their parents are now atheists? Should they stay home from Mass with their parents every Sunday out of love and respect for them?

They could discuss with their parents what the parents would like to see happen. If the child was living at home when he became a Catholic, then at least one parent gave permission, so it’s not as if they’re being blindsided.

With the atheist example, my Dad didn’t expect me to give up going to Church when he did. I simply figured out my own way to get there-I didn’t make him drive me.

 

[Thorolfr]

They could discuss with their parents what the parents would like to see happen. If the child was living at home when he became a Catholic, then at least one parent gave permission, so it’s not as if they’re being blindsided.

With the atheist example, my Dad didn’t expect me to give up going to Church when he did. I simply figured out my own way to get there-I didn’t make him drive me.

There are lots of children now who continue to live at home with their parents even as young adults either because they can’t afford a place on their own yet or because they are attending college and still living at home. So I wouldn’t always expect such an adult child to get their parents permission before adopting a new faith.

 

[AClaire11]

There are lots of children now who continue to live at home with their parents even as young adults either because they can’t afford a place on their own yet or because they are attending college and still living at home. So I wouldn’t always expect such an adult child to get their parents permission before adopting a new faith.

This is true, and I think we shouldn’t paint all families with the same brush. While it would be a kind thing to do, I don’t see it as an obligation.

In my own situation, church was never a priority and I was raised Methodist. My parents didn’t object to my conversion at age 17, but they were always annoyed when I took the faith “too seriously” by insisting on going to Mass every Sunday and day of obligation. I certainly wouldn’t miss Mass when visiting them just because my going annoys them. I think it’s also a little much to expect a visiting child to attend both their own service and that of the parents, if the parents aren’t Catholic. For example, when my MIL insists that we go to her Lutheran church and gets huffy when we don’t commune. I’d rather we went to our separate services at the same time so the visit wasn’t constantly interrupted.

 

[Rau]

But you didn’t really respond to BlueEyedLadys example. So to expand on that example, if someone was raised Muslim and has Muslim parents and are living at home with their parents but that child is now Catholic, should they attend the mosque on Fridays with their Muslim parents out of love and respect for their them? And don’t forget that there is no easy way, especially for a man, to attend a mosque as a non-participating bystander. When it comes time for the ritual prayer, all the men line up in rows, shoulder to shoulder, and pray together behind the imam or prayer leader.

Or what if someone was raised Catholic but their parents are now atheists? Should they stay home from Mass with their parents every Sunday out of love and respect for them?

I didn’t address BEL’s scenario since it was not remotely like the set of circumstances Jim described earlier, and on which I then commented that his actions were very decent. The scenarios you describe here are also far removed from that, substantial water has flowed under the bridge (being the relationship of parents and son and the faith journeys of either/both) and different outcomes could be expected according to circumstances.

 

[Cupcake143]

So let’s see. Your brother is afraid of your Catholic parents, so you came here to get help for him from a bunch of Catholics that share your parents values. You, on the other hand support your brother to the point where you are “not going to lose any sleep” if your parents won’t come to Thanksgiving or whatever, because you don’t give a hoot about what your parents believe.

So why are you here? Why would you even care what we think you should do if you don’t even show any respect toward your own parents?

Your brother needs to grow up. And if what you say is true, you all need to learn how to respect your parents. You want your parents to accept your brother and his friend, but you are disrespectful of your own parents beliefs and faith.

 

[oneofmany]

So if I understand this correctly, if you were staying with Muslim relatives, you would attend mosque services with them.

That would be very interesting but I think it’s not allowed.

 

[1990Domer]

So if I understand this correctly, if you were staying with Muslim relatives, you would attend mosque services with them.

Right now, this is an impossible scenario I cannot ponder. However, said child is still Catholic, albeit fallen away. I personally won’t change my religion.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Right now, this is an impossible scenario I cannot ponder. However, said child is still Catholic, albeit fallen away. I personally won’t change my religion.

Of course not. I’m lucky enough to have friends and family of many faith backgrounds, and I’m always happy to attend a service as a cultural experience.

But repeatedly attending religious functions? Respect doesn’t demand that, not even when it’s your parents. There are just certain things adults don’t owe anyone: their religious beliefs and practices, their choice of a life partner, their choice of where to live, their diet*, and how they raise their children. You can have all the love and respect in the world for someone, even your parents, but you still don’t owe them influence over any of these. Nor should your love, devotion, or respect be called into question for refusing to bend on your own convictions.

*The exception is when you’re being hosted by someone of limited means who either didn’t know to accommodate, didn’t know how to accommodate, or could not afford to accommodate your diet. I don’t care if you’re vegan, gluten free, Jewish, or a Catholic on a Lenten Friday. Show some gratitude. Allergies and Celiac’s excluded.

 

[AClaire11]

Of course not. I’m lucky enough to have friends and family of many faith backgrounds, and I’m always happy to attend a service as a cultural experience.

But repeatedly attending religious functions? Respect doesn’t demand that, not even when it’s your parents. There are just certain things adults don’t owe anyone: their religious beliefs and practices, their choice of a life partner, their choice of where to live, their diet*, and how they raise their children. You can have all the love and respect in the world for someone, even your parents, but you still don’t owe them influence over any of these. Nor should your love, devotion, or respect be called into question for refusing to bend on your own convictions.

*The exception is when you’re being hosted by someone of limited means who either didn’t know to accommodate, didn’t know how to accommodate, or could not afford to accommodate your diet. I don’t care if you’re vegan, gluten free, Jewish, or a Catholic on a Lenten Friday. Show some gratitude. Allergies and Celiac’s excluded.

 

[1990Domer]

Right now, this is an impossible scenario I cannot ponder. However, said child is still Catholic, albeit fallen away. I personally won’t change my religion.

Actually, I would not place myself in a situation where there may be conflict of the sort you mention. Yes, I do have friends of different faiths…Jewish and Protestant. When the latter group asked us to attend, we politely declined. We explained why but we’re very flattered.

And there is certainly enough wiggle room for people to work out disagreements. This is not to say I haven’t studied comparative religions. I have. But I would never skip Sunday Mass to attend another faith service.

 

[1990Domer]

Of course not. I’m lucky enough to have friends and family of many faith backgrounds, and I’m always happy to attend a service as a cultural experience.

But repeatedly attending religious functions? Respect doesn’t demand that, not even when it’s your parents. There are just certain things adults don’t owe anyone: their religious beliefs and practices, their choice of a life partner, their choice of where to live, their diet*, and how they raise their children. You can have all the love and respect in the world for someone, even your parents, but you still don’t owe them influence over any of these. Nor should your love, devotion, or respect be called into question for refusing to bend on your own convictions.

*The exception is when you’re being hosted by someone of limited means who either didn’t know to accommodate, didn’t know how to accommodate, or could not afford to accommodate your diet. I don’t care if you’re vegan, gluten free, Jewish, or a Catholic on a Lenten Friday. Show some gratitude. Allergies and Celiac’s excluded.

Is said family supporting his living expenses? Well, then there still has to be house rules. And I disagree in that all adults owe others courtesy, compassion and respect. It goes both ways. Some negotiations are easier than others. If my adult child were living rent free with me, sure he could prepare the meals he likes. Sure he could invite friends over who have a positive influence, and yes, he would have to attend Mass with us. Yeah, we’re old-fashioned curmudgeons. But, we also want out son to get to Heaven.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Is said family supporting his living expenses? Well, then there still has to be house rules. And I disagree in that all adults owe others courtesy, compassion and respect. It goes both ways. Some negotiations are easier than others. If my adult child were living rent free with me, sure he could prepare the meals he likes. Sure he could invite friends over who have a positive influence, and yes, he would have to attend Mass with us. Yeah, we’re old-fashioned curmudgeons. But, we also want out son to get to Heaven.

If you want to set that as a condition of living there, that’s your right. I do think it would behoove parents of adult children to carefully consider that “under this roof” is a very short time compared to the time your child spends away from home, forming a new family, raising children, and even caring for their elderly parents. How you treat your adult child now in regards to their most personal beliefs and values has a way of coming full circle when you find you no longer have “the power” in the relationship. But in the end, that’s a parent’s choice and it’s the choice of the child whether or not to accept it.

But regardless, an adult who chooses to live on their own to avoid this rule is not disrespectful. An adult who has not had their parents put this condition on them is also not disrespectful for declining to participate in their parents’ faith.

 

[Thorolfr]

and yes, he would have to attend Mass with us. Yeah, we’re old-fashioned curmudgeons. But, we also want out son to get to Heaven.

Forcing children who are old enough to make their own decisions to attend religious services unwillingly will probably insure that they will never go to church again once they leave home. It will only build up resentment and make them hate going to church.

 

[Rau]

But regardless, an adult who chooses to live on their own to avoid this rule is not disrespectful. An adult who has not had their parents put this condition on them is also not disrespectful for declining to participate in their parents’ faith.

I don’t think those views have been disputed. I’d broadly agree with them. The discussion was kicked off by the observation that for a young person still living at home to attend mass with his parents out of consideration for them, though personally he’d rather not, was a good and decent act. [Reminds me of the Lewis Carroll quote at the foot of your posts.]. We have since seen all manner of variants proposed to find examples of when the parents are being unjust or the young person is “living a lie”.

 

[Rau]

Forcing children who are old enough to make their own decisions to attend religious services unwillingly will probably insure that they will never go to church again once they leave home. It will only build up resentment and make them hate going to church.

There is a degree of grey area here to be considered: How much encouragement constitutes “forcing”, and how old is “old enough”? It is the parents of children who will have to judge these matters.

 

[1990Domer]

Forcing children who are old enough to make their own decisions to attend religious services unwillingly will probably insure that they will never go to church again once they leave home. It will only build up resentment and make them hate going to church.

Church is not torture. The uninterested person can mediatate or daydream for all I know. For some, it is another form of family time. When my two fallen-away BILs were home visiting, they attended Mass out of respect for their parents and their siblings (and one is SSA). Did they really participate…no. Did they appreciate the family time…yes.

On that note, I have been aduntantly blessed with a pious son (way more than me) who is discerning a religious vocation. So, much of this thread is a bit difficult for me to wrap my head around.

 

[ArielRussu]

There is a degree of grey area here to be considered: How much encouragement constitutes “forcing”,

Well, the old fashion way of forcing children to go to church was to belt them or hit them/ spank them for refusing. You could also drag them kicking and screaming every Sunday as they throw a fit and have a mental breakdown every week and there demeanor changes to one of hostility before Church every Sunday. As for a teenager you could threaten to take away there phone or computer or something they value to force them to go or ground them for refusing. Or for an Adult child you could tell them they either have to come to Church every week or they get kicked out of the house. That’s another way of forcing them. Mind you, all of the examples I gave above are from the experiences of now ex-Catholics.

When you force someone, like a teenager or adult child to go to church you are instilling the mentality that the only thing important is that they just show up every Sunday. But how effective are you efforts if they are sitting in church but there mind is somewhere else? They might physically be where you want them, but are they really there mentally. And what kind of example are you setting, regardless of whatever your beliefs are, for the next generation if there only experience of church is one of being forced against there will and fearing punishment for not going? Your teaching the works of a religion but ignoring the importance of the child’s relationship with God.

and how old is “old enough”?

My parents, whose still identity as Catholic, decided on after my sibling and I made our Confirmation. At that point we are full fledged members of the church, they did there Catholic duty as a parent in baptizing and educating us in the faith, and putting us through CCD and all the requirements to become a member of the Catholic Church. After that we decided from then on what we wanted to do.